He's getting out and wants to stay here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
He's getting out and wants to stay here.
My ex was released from prison last July after 2 years. I let him stay with me and his son. I had boundaries. He relapsed in September. I kicked him out. We saw him exactly one time before he was arrested again in mid-December. He called me for the first time tonight. I should not have answered the phone but I did. Apparently his buddies posted bail for him.
He wants to come stay with me and his son. He has no one clean or even remotely sane to live with. My ex called. I told him no. He asked if I would think about it and I told him to call me in a few days. I almost hope that when his buddies pick him up they offer him a crack pipe first thing so that I don't have to deal with him. That's a horrible thing for me to think because if he uses he dies.
He's going to die. He's on insulin pills and shots if he doesn't eat right. If he hits that pipe, he will not eat right and he will go into a diabetic coma and die.
I walked away from a diabetic / crack addict when I was much younger and he died within the week. Overdose. Suicide. Whatever you want to call it.
I can't believe they are releasing him to the streets like that. No insulin. No where to go but home with "recreational" crack smokers. Yeah. Whatever.
Why do I have to deal with this crap. I feel numb.
Help!
He wants to come stay with me and his son. He has no one clean or even remotely sane to live with. My ex called. I told him no. He asked if I would think about it and I told him to call me in a few days. I almost hope that when his buddies pick him up they offer him a crack pipe first thing so that I don't have to deal with him. That's a horrible thing for me to think because if he uses he dies.
He's going to die. He's on insulin pills and shots if he doesn't eat right. If he hits that pipe, he will not eat right and he will go into a diabetic coma and die.
I walked away from a diabetic / crack addict when I was much younger and he died within the week. Overdose. Suicide. Whatever you want to call it.
I can't believe they are releasing him to the streets like that. No insulin. No where to go but home with "recreational" crack smokers. Yeah. Whatever.
Why do I have to deal with this crap. I feel numb.
Help!
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hello-Kitty,
Boundaries is what comes to mind after reading your thread.
It is NOT selfish to be thinking of what is the best thing for you and the son at this point. Bringing him into your home is NO guarantee that he will be safe from his crack smoking habit or friends. Do you actually think he will stay away from them just because you give him a place to live? And think about the message you will be sending him if you do take him in ... no consequences for his actions. He got himself into this mess. He should be the one to figure out how to get out ... without you rescuing him.
You said you wished you had not answered the phone the first time. If he calls again, you DO have a chance to not answer the 2nd time.
Maybe you should think about how much you and the son will get sucked back into his chaos once again if allow him in your home.
As always, take what you life and leave the rest. Hugs to you and the little boy.
Hangin' In
Boundaries is what comes to mind after reading your thread.
It is NOT selfish to be thinking of what is the best thing for you and the son at this point. Bringing him into your home is NO guarantee that he will be safe from his crack smoking habit or friends. Do you actually think he will stay away from them just because you give him a place to live? And think about the message you will be sending him if you do take him in ... no consequences for his actions. He got himself into this mess. He should be the one to figure out how to get out ... without you rescuing him.
You said you wished you had not answered the phone the first time. If he calls again, you DO have a chance to not answer the 2nd time.
Maybe you should think about how much you and the son will get sucked back into his chaos once again if allow him in your home.
As always, take what you life and leave the rest. Hugs to you and the little boy.
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
he is not your problem. you do not have to let him stay there. he could go to a shelter, there is always an alternative. where is he going to stay for these 2 days? if you do let him come i agree with hangin, set boundries. stay firm.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
You said you wished you had not answered the phone the first time. If he calls again, you DO have a chance to not answer the 2nd time.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My heart and prayers go out to you because I remember feeling just like you do about my son.
I learned that I was NOT his only option, there are recovery houses and sober houses that he could go to, I remembered that he had choices other than living on the street and doing drugs. There is lots of help out there when and if they are ready.
We simply do not hold the power of life or death. Not over our addicts and not over ourselves. But we do have the power of choice and we can choose to live our lives in a healthy way regardless of how they choose to live theirs.
A simple trip to detox will open the door of opportunity if they are willing. Detox counselors can connect them to programs and rehabs that can help them start building their recovery. The Salvation Army program is a good one and free so it's not about money or the ability to afford treatment. The can also help him get his medication and begin to live a healthier life.
The responsibility for his recovery is not yours, and perhaps making him take ownership of that will help him make a healthier choice.
Hugs and prayers for all of you.
I learned that I was NOT his only option, there are recovery houses and sober houses that he could go to, I remembered that he had choices other than living on the street and doing drugs. There is lots of help out there when and if they are ready.
We simply do not hold the power of life or death. Not over our addicts and not over ourselves. But we do have the power of choice and we can choose to live our lives in a healthy way regardless of how they choose to live theirs.
A simple trip to detox will open the door of opportunity if they are willing. Detox counselors can connect them to programs and rehabs that can help them start building their recovery. The Salvation Army program is a good one and free so it's not about money or the ability to afford treatment. The can also help him get his medication and begin to live a healthier life.
The responsibility for his recovery is not yours, and perhaps making him take ownership of that will help him make a healthier choice.
Hugs and prayers for all of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I slept on it. I tossed and turned all night and had horrible dreams (I'm taking Chantix to quit smoking - yikes!) I appreciate the support so much and what you have to say is EXACTLY what I would say to you.
I have to remember that this is my sons life that we are talking about. Not his fathers. I am sad that he has come to this but I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and much as I would like to I can't cure it. I must walk with the living. That's me and my son and my new boyfriend teehee).
I am not going to answer the phone again until I am 100% convicted to my answer. And my answer is short and sweet. NO.
Sometimes I forget that NO is a complete sentence.
There are major complications and he will have major reasons why he must see us. Like the fact that all his stuff - every piece of clothes he owns - is still at my house. Just because he says he's done smoking crack now doesn't mean that all the consequences of his behavior go away. He left the the clothes here in September when he walked out on us to smoke crack so he will have to make due with what he has. Maybe his buddies can pick him up some stuff at the Good Will or something. Again. Not my problem. It was his choice to leave. This is a continuation of that story. My same boundaries apply. My house is NOT a flop house for addicts, recovering addicts or ex-cons waiting for sentencing. (Believe it or not I actually wrote that back in June!) I'm so glad I wrote my boundaries down. I encourage anyone struggling with a crack addict family member to do the same.
That's if he lives long enough for it to matter. One hit off the pipe and he will be off and running again and he won't need those clothes unless it's to be buried in. Plus, if he's going to die, I don't want Andrew to develop anymore attachment then he already has. He's only 2 now. I don't want him to be going through this same stuff when he's 6 or 10 or 16.
This is not an easy decision for me. But I am forcing myself to remember that it is my decision and it is for ME and for my son. My ex will have to figure out another alternative. It's his life. I'm sure he has an alternate plan that he is not sharing with me. If not, I'm sure he'll come up with something.
I have to remember that this is my sons life that we are talking about. Not his fathers. I am sad that he has come to this but I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and much as I would like to I can't cure it. I must walk with the living. That's me and my son and my new boyfriend teehee).
I am not going to answer the phone again until I am 100% convicted to my answer. And my answer is short and sweet. NO.
Sometimes I forget that NO is a complete sentence.
There are major complications and he will have major reasons why he must see us. Like the fact that all his stuff - every piece of clothes he owns - is still at my house. Just because he says he's done smoking crack now doesn't mean that all the consequences of his behavior go away. He left the the clothes here in September when he walked out on us to smoke crack so he will have to make due with what he has. Maybe his buddies can pick him up some stuff at the Good Will or something. Again. Not my problem. It was his choice to leave. This is a continuation of that story. My same boundaries apply. My house is NOT a flop house for addicts, recovering addicts or ex-cons waiting for sentencing. (Believe it or not I actually wrote that back in June!) I'm so glad I wrote my boundaries down. I encourage anyone struggling with a crack addict family member to do the same.
That's if he lives long enough for it to matter. One hit off the pipe and he will be off and running again and he won't need those clothes unless it's to be buried in. Plus, if he's going to die, I don't want Andrew to develop anymore attachment then he already has. He's only 2 now. I don't want him to be going through this same stuff when he's 6 or 10 or 16.
This is not an easy decision for me. But I am forcing myself to remember that it is my decision and it is for ME and for my son. My ex will have to figure out another alternative. It's his life. I'm sure he has an alternate plan that he is not sharing with me. If not, I'm sure he'll come up with something.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Originally Posted by hello-kitty 
I'm sure he has an alternate plan that he is not sharing with me. If not, I'm sure he'll come up with something.
My my, why in the world did it take me so long to learn that?
Maybe you could write that boundary down on a 3 x 5 card and carry it with you. I did that...put my boundaries by the phone so I wouldn't be caught off guard.
Hey, we codies do what we have to do!
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 59
Hi Kitty. It's so good to see you posting here at SR!
After your ex spent 2 years in prison (maybe clean for 2 years), you gave him a chance. You worked so hard during that time on yourself and for your son. And you GAVE him a chance. You let him see his son, and you allowed him into your home. HE CHOSE to leave. HE CHOSE to let his beautiful son down. HE CHOSE to smoke crack.
You gave him a chance to be a family, and he chose option B, or I guess C. If you give him another chance, what does your gut tell you he will choose this time? And if he does go down that road again, he will drag you and Andrew down with him.
In my opinion, if he's going to go back to crack, he will do so no matter where he ends up going. But if he really understands that this is his last chance, a life of death decision for him, he may choose life and do whatever it may take to stay alive. I would recommend for him to go to a hospital about his insulin and diabetes. I would maybe give him some phone numbers for some shelters or halfway houses, and tell him that if he really wants to get clean, he should go there. I would tell him that you and Andrew love him and want to see him get better, but you cannot allow either of you to watch if it doesn't get better. And I would pray for him, and ask God to take care of him.
Glad to hear there's a new guy in your life also! I hope he's treating you like a princess! I don't think it may go over well with him to allow your ex back into your home, huh?
Take good care of yourself, Kitty! You are the only stable parent Andrew has right now, and you can't take any chances on making any choices that will rock your stability and mental state. Even when those choices are hard and make us feel guilty, we still gotta do what is best for ourselves!
Lori
After your ex spent 2 years in prison (maybe clean for 2 years), you gave him a chance. You worked so hard during that time on yourself and for your son. And you GAVE him a chance. You let him see his son, and you allowed him into your home. HE CHOSE to leave. HE CHOSE to let his beautiful son down. HE CHOSE to smoke crack.
You gave him a chance to be a family, and he chose option B, or I guess C. If you give him another chance, what does your gut tell you he will choose this time? And if he does go down that road again, he will drag you and Andrew down with him.
In my opinion, if he's going to go back to crack, he will do so no matter where he ends up going. But if he really understands that this is his last chance, a life of death decision for him, he may choose life and do whatever it may take to stay alive. I would recommend for him to go to a hospital about his insulin and diabetes. I would maybe give him some phone numbers for some shelters or halfway houses, and tell him that if he really wants to get clean, he should go there. I would tell him that you and Andrew love him and want to see him get better, but you cannot allow either of you to watch if it doesn't get better. And I would pray for him, and ask God to take care of him.
Glad to hear there's a new guy in your life also! I hope he's treating you like a princess! I don't think it may go over well with him to allow your ex back into your home, huh?
Take good care of yourself, Kitty! You are the only stable parent Andrew has right now, and you can't take any chances on making any choices that will rock your stability and mental state. Even when those choices are hard and make us feel guilty, we still gotta do what is best for ourselves!
Lori
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi tryingtohelp! :ghug3
Good to see you too. I am going to print out this post and follow it to a T. And I am going to memorize what you said to tell him because you said it beautifully. It helps so much to have people who have been or are in similar situations give a fresh, realistic perspective.
And yeah, my new boyfriend (teehee that word still makes me giggle) already told me not to let him in. He told me he wouldn't be too happy if he found him sleeping on my couch.
He's a pretty good guy. But I am still taking it one thing at a time.
Good to see you too. I am going to print out this post and follow it to a T. And I am going to memorize what you said to tell him because you said it beautifully. It helps so much to have people who have been or are in similar situations give a fresh, realistic perspective.
And yeah, my new boyfriend (teehee that word still makes me giggle) already told me not to let him in. He told me he wouldn't be too happy if he found him sleeping on my couch.
He's a pretty good guy. But I am still taking it one thing at a time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
WOW!, can I get a piece of that backbone?!!!! YOU ARE AMAZING!!!! Please keep us posted with how you are doing. I know you made your mind, but how are you!!!!
I don't know you... and I just joined this board today... but WOW!!!!
I don't know you... and I just joined this board today... but WOW!!!!
Originally Posted by hello-kitty
I slept on it. I tossed and turned all night and had horrible dreams (I'm taking Chantix to quit smoking - yikes!) I appreciate the support so much and what you have to say is EXACTLY what I would say to you.
I have to remember that this is my sons life that we are talking about. Not his fathers. I am sad that he has come to this but I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and much as I would like to I can't cure it. I must walk with the living. That's me and my son and my new boyfriend teehee).
I am not going to answer the phone again until I am 100% convicted to my answer. And my answer is short and sweet. NO.
Sometimes I forget that NO is a complete sentence.
There are major complications and he will have major reasons why he must see us. Like the fact that all his stuff - every piece of clothes he owns - is still at my house. Just because he says he's done smoking crack now doesn't mean that all the consequences of his behavior go away. He left the the clothes here in September when he walked out on us to smoke crack so he will have to make due with what he has. Maybe his buddies can pick him up some stuff at the Good Will or something. Again. Not my problem. It was his choice to leave. This is a continuation of that story. My same boundaries apply. My house is NOT a flop house for addicts, recovering addicts or ex-cons waiting for sentencing. (Believe it or not I actually wrote that back in June!) I'm so glad I wrote my boundaries down. I encourage anyone struggling with a crack addict family member to do the same.
That's if he lives long enough for it to matter. One hit off the pipe and he will be off and running again and he won't need those clothes unless it's to be buried in. Plus, if he's going to die, I don't want Andrew to develop anymore attachment then he already has. He's only 2 now. I don't want him to be going through this same stuff when he's 6 or 10 or 16.
This is not an easy decision for me. But I am forcing myself to remember that it is my decision and it is for ME and for my son. My ex will have to figure out another alternative. It's his life. I'm sure he has an alternate plan that he is not sharing with me. If not, I'm sure he'll come up with something.
I have to remember that this is my sons life that we are talking about. Not his fathers. I am sad that he has come to this but I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and much as I would like to I can't cure it. I must walk with the living. That's me and my son and my new boyfriend teehee).
I am not going to answer the phone again until I am 100% convicted to my answer. And my answer is short and sweet. NO.
Sometimes I forget that NO is a complete sentence.
There are major complications and he will have major reasons why he must see us. Like the fact that all his stuff - every piece of clothes he owns - is still at my house. Just because he says he's done smoking crack now doesn't mean that all the consequences of his behavior go away. He left the the clothes here in September when he walked out on us to smoke crack so he will have to make due with what he has. Maybe his buddies can pick him up some stuff at the Good Will or something. Again. Not my problem. It was his choice to leave. This is a continuation of that story. My same boundaries apply. My house is NOT a flop house for addicts, recovering addicts or ex-cons waiting for sentencing. (Believe it or not I actually wrote that back in June!) I'm so glad I wrote my boundaries down. I encourage anyone struggling with a crack addict family member to do the same.
That's if he lives long enough for it to matter. One hit off the pipe and he will be off and running again and he won't need those clothes unless it's to be buried in. Plus, if he's going to die, I don't want Andrew to develop anymore attachment then he already has. He's only 2 now. I don't want him to be going through this same stuff when he's 6 or 10 or 16.
This is not an easy decision for me. But I am forcing myself to remember that it is my decision and it is for ME and for my son. My ex will have to figure out another alternative. It's his life. I'm sure he has an alternate plan that he is not sharing with me. If not, I'm sure he'll come up with something.
, Vanessa
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