What lies have we told!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
What lies have we told!!!
Today instead of thinking of all the lies my xab has told me, i thought of all the lies that i had told him. and um im not proud of it but i got rather good at it. At the time i could convince myself that i was lying to stop him from going drinking so that was good it was ok.
Now though as im slowwwly in recovery im finding it a wee bit hard to justify, although some things i did brought an evil smirk to my face!!! I think weve had a similar post in the past but i thought of a few more to my list
*After a sober weekend with me, he decides that he wants to go for a drink,just one!!!!!! he didnt want to go to his own town for a drink he wanted to go to the pub up the road. PANICCCC. Ok so here it is ..i took his bank card and hid it it was a sunday so the banks were all shut and he couldnt take money out PHEW. A few days later i posted the card to him telling him i found it under the bed. I know that is BAD.
*On arriving his house one evening i found him in bed and the room stank of beer, it was 6pm we were supposed to go to the cinema at 7pm, no way was i going with him to the cinema when he was drunk so i changed all the clocks in his house to 11pm. When he woke up at 6.30pm he had a bit of a shock that it was so late. He he he. sorry.
*The car broke down so many times so i didn't have to go there.
* Had stomach cramps constantly when we were out and i needed a quick escape
the list goes on, am i alone here with my codie lies. I hope not.
p.s ive changed i really have
Mair xxx
Now though as im slowwwly in recovery im finding it a wee bit hard to justify, although some things i did brought an evil smirk to my face!!! I think weve had a similar post in the past but i thought of a few more to my list
*After a sober weekend with me, he decides that he wants to go for a drink,just one!!!!!! he didnt want to go to his own town for a drink he wanted to go to the pub up the road. PANICCCC. Ok so here it is ..i took his bank card and hid it it was a sunday so the banks were all shut and he couldnt take money out PHEW. A few days later i posted the card to him telling him i found it under the bed. I know that is BAD.
*On arriving his house one evening i found him in bed and the room stank of beer, it was 6pm we were supposed to go to the cinema at 7pm, no way was i going with him to the cinema when he was drunk so i changed all the clocks in his house to 11pm. When he woke up at 6.30pm he had a bit of a shock that it was so late. He he he. sorry.
*The car broke down so many times so i didn't have to go there.
* Had stomach cramps constantly when we were out and i needed a quick escape
the list goes on, am i alone here with my codie lies. I hope not.
p.s ive changed i really have
Mair xxx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
I've never hid the bank card but more than once I've paid all the bills and left little or no money for his smoking and drinking without telling him (he was laid off so all the money was my income).
He almost spent us into foreclosure and bankruptcy 10 years ago, after that I always made sure that bills got paid first even if it hurt him. Hell is gonna freeze over before our child or I go without due to his addictions.
I hid things from him while preparing to file for divorce (opened my own bank accounts, took him off my credit card, turned in a lease car) but I consider those things to be a matter of survival.
He almost spent us into foreclosure and bankruptcy 10 years ago, after that I always made sure that bills got paid first even if it hurt him. Hell is gonna freeze over before our child or I go without due to his addictions.
I hid things from him while preparing to file for divorce (opened my own bank accounts, took him off my credit card, turned in a lease car) but I consider those things to be a matter of survival.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
I know what you mean. I tell lies constantly to my A wife.
I come home after 2nd job, find her drunk and start to do the dishes that piled up. She tells me I am working hard, why do them. I tell her they need to be done. What I really want to says is she is too drunk to keep up the house while I am gone and regardless of working 2 jobs it needs to be done.
In the past I would get moody when she drank and withdraw. She would ask me if I was mad at her and to avoid a confrontation about her drinking again I would just say I had a headache and didn't feel well.
We go to a friends house for a party and she puts a good one on before and stumbles around. Friends at the party ask if she is ok and I tell them she is tired and on pain meds for her sprained ankle (which she sprained while drunk).
I could go on and on...I have come to realize now the lies I tell hurt me more than anyone else.
I come home after 2nd job, find her drunk and start to do the dishes that piled up. She tells me I am working hard, why do them. I tell her they need to be done. What I really want to says is she is too drunk to keep up the house while I am gone and regardless of working 2 jobs it needs to be done.
In the past I would get moody when she drank and withdraw. She would ask me if I was mad at her and to avoid a confrontation about her drinking again I would just say I had a headache and didn't feel well.
We go to a friends house for a party and she puts a good one on before and stumbles around. Friends at the party ask if she is ok and I tell them she is tired and on pain meds for her sprained ankle (which she sprained while drunk).
I could go on and on...I have come to realize now the lies I tell hurt me more than anyone else.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I suppose there were multiple lies stated to avoid a pointless argument. Things along the lines of "nothing is wrong." But no, I don't really regret those in the least since there was not point to having arguments. But that's was it.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Originally Posted by Mair 
*On arriving his house one evening i found him in bed and the room stank of beer, it was 6pm we were supposed to go to the cinema at 7pm, no way was i going with him to the cinema when he was drunk so i changed all the clocks in his house to 11pm. When he woke up at 6.30pm he had a bit of a shock that it was so late. He he he. sorry.
Not a bad place to be....
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: LOUISIANA
Posts: 179
I just recently realized that lying is contagious.....I can recall all the little white lies I told my exAH in order to avoid confrontation and having to do it soooo much, just basically became a nasty habit. Now that I'm in recovery and in a healthier relationship, I have to really catch myself and think before I speak or answer a question. Because once you get into the habit of slightly distorting the truth (which is still a lie), it is a really hard habit to break. Just like recovery itself, takes lots of work, and brutal honesty with self.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
So true Bayouself. It's a part of life with an alcoholic, that you start questioning youself, and what scared me most was i was really convincing. Mind you i was taught by the master of lies!!!
Mair xx
Mair xx
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
Ooh, I ended up telling so many lies to my xagf... The most frequent were ones told to try to head off a drunken argument - "No, sweetheart, I'm not upset, I'm just tired." I lied about going to Al-Anon - "I need to work late tonight". I lied to avoid her coming along to work social events and ruining things - "No-one's bringing partners, it's all boring business stuff".
I also lied to my family and friends about how great our relationship was, and lied to them when begging off of going to see them when she was drunk.
The most corrosive lies were the ones I told myself, though. "We're just going through a bad patch, it'll be ok". "If only I can find the right words, she won't get upset". "I have to stick this out".
Since leaving her, I've made it an article of personal faith to tell the truth. Depending on the situation I may not reveal the entire truth - I don't go up to random people and tell them my life story - but I don't fabricate. If nothing else it makes life so much easier, not having to remember which lies I've told to whom. But it's also helped me to build back my self-respect and feeling of integrity. I like that feeling.
One final thing - a number of years ago I had a friend who, on occasion, would say something and then laugh and say "Actually, no, that's a complete lie. I dunno why I said that. What I meant to say was..." I really appreciated that. I've since used that line a few times myself when I've automatically come out with some pointless lie and it seems to work.
Mr B.
I also lied to my family and friends about how great our relationship was, and lied to them when begging off of going to see them when she was drunk.
The most corrosive lies were the ones I told myself, though. "We're just going through a bad patch, it'll be ok". "If only I can find the right words, she won't get upset". "I have to stick this out".
Since leaving her, I've made it an article of personal faith to tell the truth. Depending on the situation I may not reveal the entire truth - I don't go up to random people and tell them my life story - but I don't fabricate. If nothing else it makes life so much easier, not having to remember which lies I've told to whom. But it's also helped me to build back my self-respect and feeling of integrity. I like that feeling.
One final thing - a number of years ago I had a friend who, on occasion, would say something and then laugh and say "Actually, no, that's a complete lie. I dunno why I said that. What I meant to say was..." I really appreciated that. I've since used that line a few times myself when I've automatically come out with some pointless lie and it seems to work.
Mr B.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
"Because once you get into the habit of slightly distorting the truth (which is still a lie), it is a really hard habit to break." Amen. Shades of the truth. Spin.
My XABF was 95% liar and I believe it started early in his political career. He was a master of spin in his personal life too. He was also gifted in lies of omission, to get a person to form interpretations, when they were something else. "We don't live together. She is a roommate. I have my room and she has hers. I couldn't throw her out." In her mind they were practically married. All it takes is shading the truth a little, then a little more, then a little more. Same as drinking. One goes to two, to five, to ten, to twenty-five.
I don't want to have a lack of integrity. If I don't have integrity, I have nothing. But I will not be cruelly honest with someone either. I can't be 100% truthful at the expense of another's feelings. It is a delicate balance.
Then there's the omissions I have with my family. They are super-critical of everything I do or buy. I figure it's my life, I'm 45 and I'm going to live it as I see fit. So I don't tell them everything. But they're still lies.
Great thread ... another one that's made me think.
My XABF was 95% liar and I believe it started early in his political career. He was a master of spin in his personal life too. He was also gifted in lies of omission, to get a person to form interpretations, when they were something else. "We don't live together. She is a roommate. I have my room and she has hers. I couldn't throw her out." In her mind they were practically married. All it takes is shading the truth a little, then a little more, then a little more. Same as drinking. One goes to two, to five, to ten, to twenty-five.
I don't want to have a lack of integrity. If I don't have integrity, I have nothing. But I will not be cruelly honest with someone either. I can't be 100% truthful at the expense of another's feelings. It is a delicate balance.
Then there's the omissions I have with my family. They are super-critical of everything I do or buy. I figure it's my life, I'm 45 and I'm going to live it as I see fit. So I don't tell them everything. But they're still lies.
Great thread ... another one that's made me think.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
I don't think I overtly lied to him but I did lie by omission. Just today I was thinking about the year he didn't do anything for our anniversary so I hid the card I had gotten him so he wouldn't feel bad.
Talk about a sick pup.
Talk about a sick pup.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Buffalo NY
Posts: 105
Lies.....hmmmm......I betrayed my friends by not exposing the truth of the private hell I was living while being in love with an alco-female. Kinda hard to express feeling like a beaten down man, when you pride yourself with an Alphamale disposition.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
The lies I told my ex I'm not concerned about because they were a tool I used for self-protection, as I had an added element in my situation with him.
I'm more concerned about the lies that I told myself and the dillusions I believed to be true. The biggest lies I told myself...Love conquers all, everything will be alright if he just stops drinking, and, I can do this (meaning fix everything that was wrong with us)!
I'm more concerned about the lies that I told myself and the dillusions I believed to be true. The biggest lies I told myself...Love conquers all, everything will be alright if he just stops drinking, and, I can do this (meaning fix everything that was wrong with us)!
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