cut back on use, but still not in touch with reality
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
cut back on use, but still not in touch with reality
hi everyone. I apologize for not being here for so long. I also apologize for not responding to people who have sent me replies in the past. I dont have much time to get on here, and when i do it is usually at work...so i have to get on and get off quickly. So, I am sorry when i dont respond to you.
Anyway, my ah has cut back his cocaine use to what i believe is once a week. He has not admitted he has a problem though, and still thinks he can control it because he did cut down on his own. The only way I know that he is using is because when he comes home from work, he isnt hungry and barely touches his dinner...and then he doesnt come to bed until very late or says that he cant fall asleep ( ususally blaming me). I can usually tell by his behavior that he has used. Anyway, that is only part of the problem. THe other part is his mental health, and the way he treats me. Some of the time he is ok, helps somewhat with the kids and around the house, and acts normal towards me...but then there's the times when he is not so nice. He blames me alot for things, he will say things about me in front of the kids like (who wants to go on vacation with mommy, when she is so miserable)...he planned a vacation with my 12 yr. old daughter, and after getting her all excited about it, then she asked me if it was ok that we go..what was i going to say...she had spent hours researching the cheapest air fare, hotel, restaurants, etc...also he is somewhat emotional/mentally abusive...in the past he has accused me of masterbating in the bed next to him, as i have written here before...and he accuses me of doing other things i am not doing. for instance, in public at my daughters sports event and he accused me of talking to some guy that he doesnt like, but i didnt talk to anyone!!! he called me a liar---and said "if you ever lie to me again or talk to any guy again..." but he didnt finish the statement. the next day when i told him what he said he denied it..." i never said anything about you not talking to any guys"...I think he had used the night before..i dont know if the cocaine makes you act that way the next day, or it is just him being abusive. He has very, very low self esteem and is insecure. He looks to other people including me and his children to make him feel good about himself. My therapist cant understnad anymore how i am putting up with all of this. Basically it is because I am not getting "angry" enough. I am on anti-depressants and it may be repressing my emotions. Also, I am scared. I am scared of going through a divorce, scared of telling him i want one, scared of what he will do emotionally, financially, mentally, etc......
I know that not all drug users/addicts are abusive to their wives. I know that it is a seperate issue....so it is not just the drugs with him. It is also not fair to me or the kids that we have to make him feel good about himself...he is going to a therapist now, but i dont think he will be 100% honest with him. He also sees himself as doing so much better than he was, ie., cutting down his use, he says he "rarely" uses now..in reality, once a week is not "rarely" .
helping me with the kids and chores (in reality i am still doing 80%). He wants me to tell him how much i appreciate what he is doing. I feel silly thank him for helping our daughter study..Its HIS daughter!!! no one thanks me when i help the kids....
thanks for listening to me...my therapist wants to work with me to get stronger..i know i need to be..i deserve better, but i cant seem to get to that point...
Anyway, my ah has cut back his cocaine use to what i believe is once a week. He has not admitted he has a problem though, and still thinks he can control it because he did cut down on his own. The only way I know that he is using is because when he comes home from work, he isnt hungry and barely touches his dinner...and then he doesnt come to bed until very late or says that he cant fall asleep ( ususally blaming me). I can usually tell by his behavior that he has used. Anyway, that is only part of the problem. THe other part is his mental health, and the way he treats me. Some of the time he is ok, helps somewhat with the kids and around the house, and acts normal towards me...but then there's the times when he is not so nice. He blames me alot for things, he will say things about me in front of the kids like (who wants to go on vacation with mommy, when she is so miserable)...he planned a vacation with my 12 yr. old daughter, and after getting her all excited about it, then she asked me if it was ok that we go..what was i going to say...she had spent hours researching the cheapest air fare, hotel, restaurants, etc...also he is somewhat emotional/mentally abusive...in the past he has accused me of masterbating in the bed next to him, as i have written here before...and he accuses me of doing other things i am not doing. for instance, in public at my daughters sports event and he accused me of talking to some guy that he doesnt like, but i didnt talk to anyone!!! he called me a liar---and said "if you ever lie to me again or talk to any guy again..." but he didnt finish the statement. the next day when i told him what he said he denied it..." i never said anything about you not talking to any guys"...I think he had used the night before..i dont know if the cocaine makes you act that way the next day, or it is just him being abusive. He has very, very low self esteem and is insecure. He looks to other people including me and his children to make him feel good about himself. My therapist cant understnad anymore how i am putting up with all of this. Basically it is because I am not getting "angry" enough. I am on anti-depressants and it may be repressing my emotions. Also, I am scared. I am scared of going through a divorce, scared of telling him i want one, scared of what he will do emotionally, financially, mentally, etc......
I know that not all drug users/addicts are abusive to their wives. I know that it is a seperate issue....so it is not just the drugs with him. It is also not fair to me or the kids that we have to make him feel good about himself...he is going to a therapist now, but i dont think he will be 100% honest with him. He also sees himself as doing so much better than he was, ie., cutting down his use, he says he "rarely" uses now..in reality, once a week is not "rarely" .
helping me with the kids and chores (in reality i am still doing 80%). He wants me to tell him how much i appreciate what he is doing. I feel silly thank him for helping our daughter study..Its HIS daughter!!! no one thanks me when i help the kids....
thanks for listening to me...my therapist wants to work with me to get stronger..i know i need to be..i deserve better, but i cant seem to get to that point...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
The insecurity anger and acusations taht you have described sound like my Ah when hes not using, but rather the place he is in a low cycle, just before using or feeling better. When my AH doesnt use he still snaps into feeling better, so for him it seems when he goes over the negatives in his mind and makes himself more miserable he uses to not feel, the days he can work past it he doesnt use. (Currently hes used cocaine 1 time in 6 weeks to my knowledge, but has drank 1 time a week, roughly)
I ahve to say with my AH i dont consider using less much more than just that, he's still playing with fire and still trying to learn himself and like yours still doesnt want to talk about it.
With us though the less I react to his moods the calmer he is and more he apologizes soon after and snaps out of it.
Is your husband on meds from his doctor or drinking by any chance?
Keep working on you and getting stronger, keep doing the enxt right thing and hopefully it will all come together
I ahve to say with my AH i dont consider using less much more than just that, he's still playing with fire and still trying to learn himself and like yours still doesnt want to talk about it.
With us though the less I react to his moods the calmer he is and more he apologizes soon after and snaps out of it.
Is your husband on meds from his doctor or drinking by any chance?
Keep working on you and getting stronger, keep doing the enxt right thing and hopefully it will all come together
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
dear drained,
i was so glad to see your name on here today. i wasn't a member, several months back when you were posting. but i was reading and hanging on to your posts, for i felt such empathy and concern. your husband was so dreadful, in those posts. the cruel addict behavior which decimates those closest.
i am glad you are back in touch with people here, and so very glad you are in therapy, because isolation with him will bring you down farther than you can imagine, and it can make you as insane as he is. so please continue to help yourself by going to therapy regularly.
sometimes when we do not make choices, life makes them for us. if you cannot choose to change your situation for the better right now, then probably some event will happen which will catapult you into serious and explosive change. living with an addict is like living in a pressure cooker. one day the lid just blows, if one does nothing.
do not feel shame or embarrassment for being unable to take action right now. he is very powerful, your husband, and he has beaten the self-esteem nearly out of you. i pray that your higher power will intervene and do for you what you cannot do for yourself.
be safe....attend to your children's needs (they need counseling)....and above all, keep talking to recovering people. you are going to need a team to be on.
sending much love your way. i am so glad you wrote here.
i was so glad to see your name on here today. i wasn't a member, several months back when you were posting. but i was reading and hanging on to your posts, for i felt such empathy and concern. your husband was so dreadful, in those posts. the cruel addict behavior which decimates those closest.
i am glad you are back in touch with people here, and so very glad you are in therapy, because isolation with him will bring you down farther than you can imagine, and it can make you as insane as he is. so please continue to help yourself by going to therapy regularly.
sometimes when we do not make choices, life makes them for us. if you cannot choose to change your situation for the better right now, then probably some event will happen which will catapult you into serious and explosive change. living with an addict is like living in a pressure cooker. one day the lid just blows, if one does nothing.
do not feel shame or embarrassment for being unable to take action right now. he is very powerful, your husband, and he has beaten the self-esteem nearly out of you. i pray that your higher power will intervene and do for you what you cannot do for yourself.
be safe....attend to your children's needs (they need counseling)....and above all, keep talking to recovering people. you are going to need a team to be on.
sending much love your way. i am so glad you wrote here.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
wife,
It sounds like he's ona teeter totter of going up and down. Maybe he's abusive right before he uses again, who knows.
What I do know is he is unsafe, and I fear for your safety. Also, it's not a great example to be putting in front of the children.
Keep attending your therapy, and hopefully, meetings, and gain strength.
I see the day coming where you are going to make a big decision on where you want YOUR life to be in a year, or 2 years from now. No One deserves to be treated the way he is treating you.
You desreve so much more than this, you really do.
Hugs, and keep safe.
It sounds like he's ona teeter totter of going up and down. Maybe he's abusive right before he uses again, who knows.
What I do know is he is unsafe, and I fear for your safety. Also, it's not a great example to be putting in front of the children.
Keep attending your therapy, and hopefully, meetings, and gain strength.
I see the day coming where you are going to make a big decision on where you want YOUR life to be in a year, or 2 years from now. No One deserves to be treated the way he is treating you.
You desreve so much more than this, you really do.
Hugs, and keep safe.
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
drained....
It took me three and a half years to get to a decision. It's not easy....I still don't understand why but it's just not as easy as it would seem to come to a decision. So many factors keep us hung up in one place until something breaks that rope. That's when we know. That's when we struggle for survival from addiction. But we start to fight harder than we've ever fought before.
I'm hoping that you find peace in whatever decision you make when you are ready. In the meantime...I hope you find some kind of peace from his manipulation and verbal abuse.
It took me three and a half years to get to a decision. It's not easy....I still don't understand why but it's just not as easy as it would seem to come to a decision. So many factors keep us hung up in one place until something breaks that rope. That's when we know. That's when we struggle for survival from addiction. But we start to fight harder than we've ever fought before.
I'm hoping that you find peace in whatever decision you make when you are ready. In the meantime...I hope you find some kind of peace from his manipulation and verbal abuse.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
My exah was very moody and had us all walking on egg shells after a binge. He would start our remorsefuland helpful around the house, then turn angry and mentally abusive. Expecially to my 15 year old son. Then it would be over, and we were all to forgive and forget. Such a roller coaster ride!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
i dont know what the bigger problem here is--is it the drugs..or is it his mental health?? i believe he used the night before he was questioning me and my daughters sports event.
He also did somethign similar on christmas day....its his insecurity and low self-esteem that is causing problems. He expects everyone else to make him feel good about himself because he cant do it himself.
When i give him a compliment or thank him for doing something that he should be doing anyway i.e., helping the kids study..he says that he feels so much more like trying harder...because he NEEDS that appreciation and praise so much more than the rest of us. He has very low self esteem. But i am not going to live my life being afraid to go to the bathroom at my daughters competition because he might get suspicious thinking i am talking to my another dad. THAT is HIS problem, HIS Insecurity that HE needs to deal with. Too bad i am not as strong when it comes to other things...like tomorrow i want to go to a domestic violence support group, but i worry about what he will say.."where are you going, why do you have to go there, what kind of a support group is it...." why cant i just go if i want to??? also, if he touches me and wants to "fool around" why cant i just tell him no....?? sometimes i can, but other times, i just dont want to deal with the way he gets when i reject him.....
He also did somethign similar on christmas day....its his insecurity and low self-esteem that is causing problems. He expects everyone else to make him feel good about himself because he cant do it himself.
When i give him a compliment or thank him for doing something that he should be doing anyway i.e., helping the kids study..he says that he feels so much more like trying harder...because he NEEDS that appreciation and praise so much more than the rest of us. He has very low self esteem. But i am not going to live my life being afraid to go to the bathroom at my daughters competition because he might get suspicious thinking i am talking to my another dad. THAT is HIS problem, HIS Insecurity that HE needs to deal with. Too bad i am not as strong when it comes to other things...like tomorrow i want to go to a domestic violence support group, but i worry about what he will say.."where are you going, why do you have to go there, what kind of a support group is it...." why cant i just go if i want to??? also, if he touches me and wants to "fool around" why cant i just tell him no....?? sometimes i can, but other times, i just dont want to deal with the way he gets when i reject him.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
anvilhead---
it says i am scared of someone who is manipulative..it says i have my own issues...it says i need to get stronger...it says why do hang on to a few positive things, when there are so many negatives....it says that i am too weak and need a backbone.
Does it say im a bad mom...?? maybe....my kids know nothing of the drug use....i know that for a fact....as for the bizarre behavior....there hasnt been much lately in front of them....but that doesnt excuse it or make it right, or make the situation better.
I know...i need help, and my therapist is trying to help me.
it says i am scared of someone who is manipulative..it says i have my own issues...it says i need to get stronger...it says why do hang on to a few positive things, when there are so many negatives....it says that i am too weak and need a backbone.
Does it say im a bad mom...?? maybe....my kids know nothing of the drug use....i know that for a fact....as for the bizarre behavior....there hasnt been much lately in front of them....but that doesnt excuse it or make it right, or make the situation better.
I know...i need help, and my therapist is trying to help me.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Originally Posted by drainedwife 
i dont know what the bigger problem here is--is it the drugs..or is it his mental health??
..its his insecurity and low self-esteem that is causing problems. He expects everyone else to make him feel good about himself because he cant do it himself. THAT is HIS problem, HIS Insecurity that HE needs to deal with. Too bad i am not as strong when it comes to other things...
like tomorrow i want to go to a domestic violence support group, but i worry about what he will say.."where are you going, why do you have to go there, what kind of a support group is it...." why cant i just go if i want to??? also, if he touches me and wants to "fool around" why cant i just tell him no....?? sometimes i can, but other times, i just dont want to deal with the way he gets when i reject him.....
..its his insecurity and low self-esteem that is causing problems. He expects everyone else to make him feel good about himself because he cant do it himself. THAT is HIS problem, HIS Insecurity that HE needs to deal with. Too bad i am not as strong when it comes to other things...
like tomorrow i want to go to a domestic violence support group, but i worry about what he will say.."where are you going, why do you have to go there, what kind of a support group is it...." why cant i just go if i want to??? also, if he touches me and wants to "fool around" why cant i just tell him no....?? sometimes i can, but other times, i just dont want to deal with the way he gets when i reject him.....
You've stated the problem here. I think you have a pretty good handle on him, his insecurities. No one can make him feel better about himself except himself. And for you to continue worrying about that is you being sucked into his addiction and the problems that result from it.
You can't go to a support meeting? You can't tell him no? You can't go to your kids sporting event wthout being accused of talking to other men? Drained, it sounds like you are a prisoner in your own life...a prisoner to your fear.
I, too, was there. Not the same situation as yours, but still a prisoner to my fear. I finally decided I couldn't live like that anymore. I started attending Al Anon meetings and dealing with what was going on inside of me. And that's when I started getting better.
I'm so proud of you for posting here for I know it takes great courage to say these things. Next step is facing them and taking a step, just a baby step, toward improving YOUR life today. You are not responsible for him and his happiness. You said it in your name ... "drainedwife" .... This is sucking the life out of you. And just like he is responsible for his life, you are responsible for yours. I'm praying you can see that you deserve so much more and will take some small step toward making your life better. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Hugs and prayers for you. I know how hard this is.
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere, out there...
Posts: 512
dw,
you are doing what you need to do - for you - for right now - you don't need to do anything - but should you decide that you need to do more you can...
you seem so much better than a few months ago - and the more you try taking care of yourself and keeping the focus on you and your kids - the more your kids will see that and appreciate your strength...
no one has all the answers - and no one has walked a mile in your shoes - you just keep doing what you're doing and things will work out...
love,
s
you are doing what you need to do - for you - for right now - you don't need to do anything - but should you decide that you need to do more you can...you seem so much better than a few months ago - and the more you try taking care of yourself and keeping the focus on you and your kids - the more your kids will see that and appreciate your strength...
no one has all the answers - and no one has walked a mile in your shoes - you just keep doing what you're doing and things will work out...
love,
s
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I haven't been through nearly close to what you've been through, but I have a feeling that things were going to get a lot worse had I not said I had enough. I too wondered, and still do, what and how much is H and how much is the drugs. The one thing I do know, that while it's a thought to ponder in the grand-scheme of this world we're a part of, it doesn't change what is right now. Regardless. The people here have helped me see this, and it's true. Doesn't matter. Now when I wonder about those things, it is of an interest, an education, I like to know things, but in no way does it change or help how I got to where I am or my AH either. Sometimes, at least for me, I have found that I just have to keep taking that next step, even though it's a blind step for me because I don't really understand or know where I'm going, but I take a deep breath, pray, and take that step. I have surrounded myself with people (like here) who have been there and have good advice, and while some things sound impossible at that moment, I have faith that they know and I don't, so I just go forward, and so far it's worked and I have faith that it will keep working. I also agree that your children seeing you take steps to take care of yourself and them is something that will benefit them and be good for them. Good luck to you!
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