sketscher

I'm taking steps, though not completely emmersing myself, to find a new job and get away from xabf and his toxic energy. A co-worker asked me yesterday. "why do you even give him space in your head?" Wow that is a good question. And I can't really answer it. I do know that whenever I attempt to begin a new relationship though, I start to miss him. And whenever a relationship fails I blame him and remember all the VERY BAD stuff. It keeps happening. And having him invade my physical space at work doesn't help get him out of my head.

Also... I'm still struggling and anxious over my decision to end my relationship with my "Mr. Nice". Was it was necessary to end it? Can I ever revisit this relationship in good conscience? We dated 3 months, I made many mistakes. First one being that I became intimate with him way too early, before even deciding (if ever) whether I really liked him that much. He fell in love quickly. He became attached to me I believe before even meeting me (we met online through eHarmony). He gave me a card our second date telling me how happy I made him and then invited me to a work function 2 months away, that night he also hugged me and said "I really hope you like me as much as I like you". I freaked, it seemed unnatural, and almost ended it then. If I could do it again I'd have really taken it slow. Guess I kind of answered my own questions here.... I need to slow down and stop using other men as an escape from xabf.

denny57

Why not immerse yourself?

karmakoma

What's so scary about embracing you, your recovery and your life? Get stuck in - as they say in AA, half measures availed us of nothing.

BTW, I have read some of your posts about your most recent bf. Does this article ring any bells? Heartless Bitches International - Why "Nice Guys" are often such LOSERS

Barbara52

Yup, that would be a good thing. I would go further and say it might be a good idea to work on your own issues before seeking a new relationship.

I am not open to a new relationship and will not be for quite a while, if ever. First off, I am not divorced yet. More importantly, I know I have many issues relating to being codependent and being an ACOA. Until I work thru those issues I know I would only end up in another unsuccessful relationship, not fair to me or the hypothetical man. Too many people jump from one relationship to another without taking the time to assess their own issues, to discover who they truly are and what they really want from life and a relationship. I do not intend to make that mistake again.

sketscher

thanks for the spelling correction. Holding off the complete obsession with finding a job because I want to carefully plan a jump in career. If I were to blanket the area with resumes I might find myself saying yes to a job, just like I said yes to a relationship, before knowing if I really want that job. That is what I meant by not immersing myself in the job hunt. I am definitely devoting a good deal of time to my resume, researching the market etc. But I'll admit it is scary to think of starting all over at a new company. I really wish that my xabf would just getting fired. He was on the brink once...but I can't hope for that forever.

Barbara52

Heck, I am a contractor and switch jobs all the time. In one year I had 3 employers with short term contracts. The longest I was with the same company was 5 years and that was 10 years ago. If you need to get out while figuring out what you really want to do when you grow up, consider a temp job or short term contract.

sketscher

I'm partly in a hurry because I'm running out of time to have children. I'm 36. How unfair that is to the hypothetical children! Rush into a relationship with a guy partly just to race against my biological clock!

Barbara52

Rushing into a relationship that is likely to fail is not fair to those potential children. JMO

denny57

Obsessing and immersing are two different things. It's tempting - I know, I've done it - to hope something happens to the other person (gets fired, recovers, sees the light) so I don't have to do the hard work. When I do the hard work, though, and take control of my own life, I feel better about everything. Feeling better boosts my self esteem; when I feel good about myself and what I am doing with my life, I attract other healthy people.

There are many ways to have children in my life without having my own. Big Sisters is a start.

sketscher

OH wow!! Much of that article was very true of "mr. nice". For example, he said the last 3 months of his life were the happiest he's ever been. He told me it is his belief that a woman be placed on a pedestal, even worshiped! he was going to bring flowers to the first date but couldn't find a shop. He admitted he was insecure (which didn't bother me so much as I am to a degree). And he in fact was the nicest guy I've ever been with. Which I why I feel so guilty for dumping him! It's kind of like for me, I feel like I'm casting out someone for having the same co-dependent tendencies and what right do I have to fault him for that.

yeah...it's just mixed up.


THANKS FOR THE ARTICLE. It helps me to see that it's natural for that treatment to feel unnatural.