noles

I've never posted anything but I think I just need to vent a little... I'm 23 years old and my mom died almost 3 months ago. She was only 50. She was an alcoholic and never really tried to get professional help. I have a younger sister and brother and we all begged her all the time to get help. I used to fight with her all the time about it. Last year she was diagnosed with cirrhosis and spent weeks in the hospital where the doctor said she was lucky to be alive. She promised she was going to get help as soon as she got insurance. She was better for a little while from what I could tell but I guess I didn't know what was really going on. She seemed to be doing good... my sister had a baby in June so she had a new grandaughter, she had finally gotten a new job and she seemed happy... I knew she was still drinking but I didn't think it was that bad. In late October I got a call from my sister saying that mom was in the hospital. Her liver was failing.. by the time I got there she was already on a breathing tube. I stayed by her bed for the next two days... then next thing I knew the doctor was telling us that there was no hope and we had to make the decision to take her off all the medicine and breathing tube. It's all kinda a blur but it was the hardest day of my life. My mom had her problems but she was an amazing woman. We were all very close and I feel completely lost. I'm okay a lot of the time but I think I'm beginning to feel more and more lonely..nothing's the same without her. I still pick up my phone to call her... and I hate not being able to. Sometimes I am so mad at her for leaving me... I feel like I'm just being selfish but I can't help it. I know alcoholism is a disease but I still hate that it was more important in her life than us. I know that she loved us. She was a great mom and I never would doubt that she loved us more than anything in the world. But I am still mad and I'm mad at myself too for not pushing her more to get help.

bluejay6

dear noles,
people will be here soon to talk to you, people with more experience than i have. i just want to send you love from here. you are so young and have been abandoned by the death of your mother. it is a terrible tragedy in your young life, and i am so deeply sorry.

my father died of cirrhosis at age 41. i don't think anyone ever expected him to die, he was so full of life and charisma.

i am trying to live the beautiful life he did not find nor finish, and i think he is proud of me for that.

hang on....others will be here soon to share. be very kind to your grieving heart. you could not save her. others will help you come to know this.

MsGolightly

noles, welcome.

i too am so sorry for your loss. i'm about your age and the thought of losing any family close to me, especially my mom, is terrifying. i can't even imagine what you've gone through during the past few months.

i think the more that you read on here, you'll begin to understand that it was up to your mom to stop drinking... not you or your siblings, no matter how much you pushed for it. it was her disease and nothing you could have prevented, no matter how much you wanted to. that's what makes all of this so sad. but please, don't beat yourself up over it. you can private message me any time you ever want to talk.

please stick around and keep reading. i can't even begin to tell you how much i learned from everyone here, at a time when i needed it the most.

Mair

Hi Noles
So sorry to hear your sad news. Aloholism has so much to answer for, please dont blame yourself there was nothing you could have done, she is at peace now and now you need to find that peace for yourself. Keep reading and posting we are all here for you.

Mair xx

Barbara52

My condolences on your loss Noles. It never easy losing a parent but must be even worse when it was to a disease (cirrhosis) that could have been prevented if you mother had chosen to get into recovery.

I hope you are patient with yourself as you work through your grief. You have every right to feel the anger at all that led to her death. Please understand that there was nothing you coul dhave done to change your mother's story. Only she could have made the choice to fight her addiction.

DesertEyes

Hello there noles, and welcome to this wonderful website

I'm terribly sorry to hear that you lost your mom. That is awful. I lost both my parents to alcoholism, and most of my aunts and uncles too. I know how deeply it hurts.

It took me awhile to work thru that. I had a lot of trouble with the guilt of what I should have done, what I could have done, why I didn't do.... on and on and on. What helped me the most was the program of al-anon. The people at the meetings showed me what my future would have been like because all of them were doing exactly what I was wishing I _had_ done for my parents. At those meetings I heard first-hand just exactly what happens when a family member tries their very best to get an alcoholic to quit drinking.

Today I know that the only person that could have stopped my parents from drinking themselves to death was _them_. Yes, there was a lot of things I didn't try, but I know that it would have made _no_ difference. I tried far more than any sane person would have, and they just had no interest.

I'm praying for you mom, she is no longer a slave to her addiction and she is at peace. And I'm praying that you find a peace of your own.

Mike

CarolD

(+) (+) (+)
Prayers and Hugs

I too am sorry your Mom lost her battle in this world.
Victory is hers in the next.

Blessings to you and your family

cityguy

Hey Noles, you're angry and that's ok and understandable. Parents, unfortunately at times, are not up to the tall order of parenting. We expect our parents to keep us safe, not the reverse. But your mother made her choices, and please don't blame yourself for
her passing. Take care and may you find peace as the days move on.

KMMK

Dear Noles,
very sorry to hear about losing your mom to this dreadful disease.
it is heartbreaking .
Alcoholism brings up so many varied emotions in us, and all of it is ok to feel,
but for me the thing that helped me most was truly internalizing it never was about me.
It is about an addiction, a disease , a sickness.
Yes , i am absolutely certain your mom loved you dearly, but the grip of alcoholism was just too tight on her.
Remember Noles, its not your fault.
She was sick and it was not a personal issue, or a love issue, or anything about you.
i hope this fact will bring you peace as it does to me when dealing with my alcoholic.

Alcoholism is the raging tornado and it effects all in its vicinity.
much love and blessings,
Kmmk

greeteachday

Hi Noles, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. It's awful how this disease can take such beautiful souls so easily. Your anger is so understandable...it's a normal part of giref.
Please don't be angry at yourself...As you work your way through this and learn more about the disease, I hope you will come to realize that there is nothing you could have done. If she wasn't ready to stop drinking, nothing could stop her.
I lost my daughter to addiction so I think I can understand some of your struggle. It helped me to be very gentle with myself...to acknowledge my feelings and to take some of the emotions out little by little and process them when I was ready. I still attend Natanon meetings since the face to face support of people who understand makes all the difference in the world. Little by little, day by day I am working my way thorugh the pain of this loss. Some days are better than others, and that is okay too.
Hugs....praying that you find comfort and peace.

keepingmyjoy

((((noles)))) I am so sorry for your loss. All good advice above, so I won't add to that.

I hope that you can let go of all the things you "coulda, shoulda, woulda....", because it sounds like she loved you kids with all her heart. I am a mom of a daughter about your age, and us moms love our kids so very much! Your mom loved you too, even though she had an addiction problem with alcohol. Her choices were HER choices when it came to alcohol likely caused by her inner issues. None of this is your fault!

I have lost loved ones close to me. It hurts. I hope that by sharing here and remembering the good times and that she loved you so much will help you through the hard parts of your loss.

Sending you a BIG hug...

ICU

(((Noles))),

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom's passing.

As we go through the grieving process, there's a range of emotions we go through, sometimes bouncing back and forth between them as we process it all. It's so hard.

I pray that you are gentle with yourself in the days to come and that you remember above all else, that your Mom loved you!

Spiritual Seeker

Grief ... sorry for your grief. It will take a very long time
Key is knowing you are not responsible for your mother's path, circumstance or passing.
Be sure to talk about your mom and your grief. Sharing helps.

noles

I just want to thank all of you for being so supportive. It's nice to know that people understand the pain that alcoholism causes people. Thanks again for all your kind words.

geees poncho

Noles, my deepest regards & sympathy for you.
Alcoholism is a mind dissease, it thrives on denial.
There is absolutly nothing you could force your mother to do.
Remember all the good and positive things your mom taught you,
and she will always be with you.

May God bless and keep you