Hi, New here sick parent. Long post
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 2
Hi, New here sick parent. Long post
Hi, I am a only child of a dad who has been an alcoholic as long as i've been alive. I've never really talked much about this so i don't know what to say really i just have to get this off my chest and see what people think i guess. I am sorry for my punctuation and spelling in advance.
A little background when i was 8 my dad had his first heart attack and stopped working for a while. This is when i first realized for myself there was a problem He never had any medical treatment that i can remember or even took meds long after. He Quit drinking for a month or 2, then went back to work and continued to drink heavy. He prolly drank a case of beer a day. I mean all he cared about it seems in retrospect is drinking he would go str8 to the bar after work and come home and drink himself to sleep. He would even take me to the bar with him to drink and gamble on the regular. Seems the only time he had fun was drinking. I never went to ball games. I played ball and he came but he never really did much with me one on one.
He wasn't much of an angry, violent drunk. I can only remember one blowout fight him and my mom got into. My mom btw is slow, i say shes slow cuz she has trouble reading. People often think she had a closed head injury but she hasn't. I'm not sure what she has. All i know is she enabled him and never really put up much of a fight. I think its cuz he would get mad at her if she didn't do what he said. Not violent mad just an a-hole. I feel alot of anger towards my mother for enabling this. I think she really didn't know though beacuse of her affliction.
Anyway heart attack 2. A While passed i can't remember at this point of it was a year or 2 he had another heart attack and again no meds or opperations. Again a few months pass he starts the drinking again. This second heart attack pretty much changed my life cuz he could no longer work and we lost our house and what little we did have and moved in with my grandma in a apt for a while. He settled with his work to get money so he could rent this craphole house. This is where he started really leaning on my grandma for money. My grandma would get mad at him and my mom cuz he really just blew his money on beer and cigs and stuff. She really tried to help and all my dad wanted it seemed was the money. My grama really is the one even though i didn't live with her that took care of me.
So im now 15ish and my father just sits on the couch in his underwear all day and drinks nonstop. At this point in my life i started down the wrong road. I gave up Basketball, statred not caring about school at all. I started drinking ,smoking cigs, doing coke, pot, acid anything i could get my hands on. I wasn't really paying much attention to what he was doing at this point. I would bring friends over cuz my house was the spot to do drugs cuz my dad was just on the couch drunk in his underwear. This was killing me inside i think. My friends all thought it was funny he would bs with them and what not. They figured he was kool i guess cuz he could drink more then anyone they had ever seen. This goes on for a few years. finally i get turned around, it all kinda happened at once. Like i had a moment of clarity.
Now im 18 i finally graduated from highschool. Start up college with some money i got from a uncle that passed. Around this time my dads mother the one that took good care of me passed my grampa moved with his son far away so my father and mother and me moved into my grandmas house. Which was payed off so they had little bills to worry about. He is still drinking and smoking but not as much. At this point my dads around 58 had a hard life of drinking and smoking and health problems. He's falling down because he won't use a walker and he lost alot of weight. This i'm worryed about but he doesn't seek help at this point hes had several heart attacks and a mini stroke and still never took much meds or had anything else done. This i cant understand to this day.
A few years pass now im 24 dropped out of college. I stopped drinking and pretty much get angry even seeing people drunk. This costs me a 3 year realationship. I just got sick to my stomach watching my girlfriend drink. I hated going to partys. stopped going to bars moved back home and quit my job. Im 26 now i live at home, no job. My mom moved my 91 year old grandma in. She can't take care of anyone imo. My dad now looks 80 but is 67 weighs 100 pounds prolly. The other day he falls in the hall i pick him up he says his leg hurts really bad. I tell him to goto the doctors he says no for 3 days and sits on the couch. I called 911 i just couldnt stand to see him suffer anymore. Seems he broke his hip. I goto the hospital tell him how he did this to himself. B4 this i can't recall ever telling him that i think he pretty much gave up on life. I don't think he understands y we don't have a good realationship. I've never really vented to him i just held it all in. I think he thinks he did a good job. Im so angry, i cant even goto the hospital to see him. I have thoughts wishing him staying in a nusing home so he is cared for better then my mother could. He wants to come home so bad i think just so he can smoke and have a few more beers my mom says. I don't understand how someone could say they would rather die then stay somewhere to get help. This man sat on a couch for 3 days with a broken hip and wouldn't goto the hospital. I fell bad for letting it go that long but i wanted my mom to do something for a change or him to ask for help for once. My mom wants me to go see him i really don't want to i feel crappy about it like im abandoning him. I've just had enough he has never tryed to get better. I'm trying to get a job and move out of here and get my life back. I've sat around for 3 years waiting for somehting bad to happen and it did. Now i feel like it's my get out of jail ticket and that makes me feel inhuman. I have all the simptums of having a alcoholic parent and i need to heal. It has crippled me i just don't know how to deal. I'm hearing my mom say ur father wants to die cuz he can't come home. The breaking point for me i think was when she called the bar he used to frequent to tell them he was sick then they called back an i picked up and the guy asks me if i wanted cards and stuff sent to the house or the hospital. I dunno why but i wanted to hurt that guy. /end of rant
A little background when i was 8 my dad had his first heart attack and stopped working for a while. This is when i first realized for myself there was a problem He never had any medical treatment that i can remember or even took meds long after. He Quit drinking for a month or 2, then went back to work and continued to drink heavy. He prolly drank a case of beer a day. I mean all he cared about it seems in retrospect is drinking he would go str8 to the bar after work and come home and drink himself to sleep. He would even take me to the bar with him to drink and gamble on the regular. Seems the only time he had fun was drinking. I never went to ball games. I played ball and he came but he never really did much with me one on one.
He wasn't much of an angry, violent drunk. I can only remember one blowout fight him and my mom got into. My mom btw is slow, i say shes slow cuz she has trouble reading. People often think she had a closed head injury but she hasn't. I'm not sure what she has. All i know is she enabled him and never really put up much of a fight. I think its cuz he would get mad at her if she didn't do what he said. Not violent mad just an a-hole. I feel alot of anger towards my mother for enabling this. I think she really didn't know though beacuse of her affliction.
Anyway heart attack 2. A While passed i can't remember at this point of it was a year or 2 he had another heart attack and again no meds or opperations. Again a few months pass he starts the drinking again. This second heart attack pretty much changed my life cuz he could no longer work and we lost our house and what little we did have and moved in with my grandma in a apt for a while. He settled with his work to get money so he could rent this craphole house. This is where he started really leaning on my grandma for money. My grandma would get mad at him and my mom cuz he really just blew his money on beer and cigs and stuff. She really tried to help and all my dad wanted it seemed was the money. My grama really is the one even though i didn't live with her that took care of me.
So im now 15ish and my father just sits on the couch in his underwear all day and drinks nonstop. At this point in my life i started down the wrong road. I gave up Basketball, statred not caring about school at all. I started drinking ,smoking cigs, doing coke, pot, acid anything i could get my hands on. I wasn't really paying much attention to what he was doing at this point. I would bring friends over cuz my house was the spot to do drugs cuz my dad was just on the couch drunk in his underwear. This was killing me inside i think. My friends all thought it was funny he would bs with them and what not. They figured he was kool i guess cuz he could drink more then anyone they had ever seen. This goes on for a few years. finally i get turned around, it all kinda happened at once. Like i had a moment of clarity.
Now im 18 i finally graduated from highschool. Start up college with some money i got from a uncle that passed. Around this time my dads mother the one that took good care of me passed my grampa moved with his son far away so my father and mother and me moved into my grandmas house. Which was payed off so they had little bills to worry about. He is still drinking and smoking but not as much. At this point my dads around 58 had a hard life of drinking and smoking and health problems. He's falling down because he won't use a walker and he lost alot of weight. This i'm worryed about but he doesn't seek help at this point hes had several heart attacks and a mini stroke and still never took much meds or had anything else done. This i cant understand to this day.
A few years pass now im 24 dropped out of college. I stopped drinking and pretty much get angry even seeing people drunk. This costs me a 3 year realationship. I just got sick to my stomach watching my girlfriend drink. I hated going to partys. stopped going to bars moved back home and quit my job. Im 26 now i live at home, no job. My mom moved my 91 year old grandma in. She can't take care of anyone imo. My dad now looks 80 but is 67 weighs 100 pounds prolly. The other day he falls in the hall i pick him up he says his leg hurts really bad. I tell him to goto the doctors he says no for 3 days and sits on the couch. I called 911 i just couldnt stand to see him suffer anymore. Seems he broke his hip. I goto the hospital tell him how he did this to himself. B4 this i can't recall ever telling him that i think he pretty much gave up on life. I don't think he understands y we don't have a good realationship. I've never really vented to him i just held it all in. I think he thinks he did a good job. Im so angry, i cant even goto the hospital to see him. I have thoughts wishing him staying in a nusing home so he is cared for better then my mother could. He wants to come home so bad i think just so he can smoke and have a few more beers my mom says. I don't understand how someone could say they would rather die then stay somewhere to get help. This man sat on a couch for 3 days with a broken hip and wouldn't goto the hospital. I fell bad for letting it go that long but i wanted my mom to do something for a change or him to ask for help for once. My mom wants me to go see him i really don't want to i feel crappy about it like im abandoning him. I've just had enough he has never tryed to get better. I'm trying to get a job and move out of here and get my life back. I've sat around for 3 years waiting for somehting bad to happen and it did. Now i feel like it's my get out of jail ticket and that makes me feel inhuman. I have all the simptums of having a alcoholic parent and i need to heal. It has crippled me i just don't know how to deal. I'm hearing my mom say ur father wants to die cuz he can't come home. The breaking point for me i think was when she called the bar he used to frequent to tell them he was sick then they called back an i picked up and the guy asks me if i wanted cards and stuff sent to the house or the hospital. I dunno why but i wanted to hurt that guy. /end of rant
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
One thing that having troubled, helpless, alcoholic parents does to all of us is makes us forget that we have lives of our own, outside of the typhoon of chaos they continue to live in.
Forget about them for just a second.
Pretend they are both in some kind of care somewhere, and they no longer make it your responsibility to make everything all better for them.
What do you want for YOUR life? What do you want to do, be, have, see? What kind of person do you want to be.....when you're 80 and you look back at your life, what are you hoping you'll be able to say about your life? "I was always the kind of person who would do xxxx, I learned how to do xxxx, I was really good at xxxxx." What kind of work would feel good to you.....what makes life feel like it's worth living to you?
You are trapped in their world right now, when you should be planning and building your own world. That's what staying involved so deeply with alcoholic parents does to us. They are adults. And yet YOU have become the parent, taking responsibility for it all.
Is that really what you want for yourself, game? Can you get out of the eye of that hurricane and start focusing on your own life for a while, and let these adults take care of themselves (with government help or whoever) for a while? Is there anybody close to you who you can vent to, and who will help you sift all these damaging thoughts into piles so they stop eating away at you?
I was never a therapist kind of person, but found it really helpful to have a few sit-downs with a therapist who specialized in working with adult children of alcoholics. You'd be surprised at what we all have in common......which is kind of good, because there are solutions that have worked for other folks that might also work for you.
Anyway........I hope you can find some breathing room away from this situation so that you can begin to take care of yourself first, others second. It's always tough for us.....
All the best
GL
P.S. you seem like you're in a state of overwhelm....I can't blame you. I know for a lot of us here, it helped to just take one small thing at a time, and put blinders on while you're focusing on it. Like your one small thing right now can be a job. Forget about doing the right thing with the hospital, forget about anything beyond creating an income for yourself again. Once you've made that step, then you can pick one more small thing to do.
Breathe...there is a way out of this. You've just got to keep taking small, measured steps 'til you get there.
Forget about them for just a second.
Pretend they are both in some kind of care somewhere, and they no longer make it your responsibility to make everything all better for them.
What do you want for YOUR life? What do you want to do, be, have, see? What kind of person do you want to be.....when you're 80 and you look back at your life, what are you hoping you'll be able to say about your life? "I was always the kind of person who would do xxxx, I learned how to do xxxx, I was really good at xxxxx." What kind of work would feel good to you.....what makes life feel like it's worth living to you?
You are trapped in their world right now, when you should be planning and building your own world. That's what staying involved so deeply with alcoholic parents does to us. They are adults. And yet YOU have become the parent, taking responsibility for it all.
Is that really what you want for yourself, game? Can you get out of the eye of that hurricane and start focusing on your own life for a while, and let these adults take care of themselves (with government help or whoever) for a while? Is there anybody close to you who you can vent to, and who will help you sift all these damaging thoughts into piles so they stop eating away at you?
I was never a therapist kind of person, but found it really helpful to have a few sit-downs with a therapist who specialized in working with adult children of alcoholics. You'd be surprised at what we all have in common......which is kind of good, because there are solutions that have worked for other folks that might also work for you.
Anyway........I hope you can find some breathing room away from this situation so that you can begin to take care of yourself first, others second. It's always tough for us.....
All the best
GL
P.S. you seem like you're in a state of overwhelm....I can't blame you. I know for a lot of us here, it helped to just take one small thing at a time, and put blinders on while you're focusing on it. Like your one small thing right now can be a job. Forget about doing the right thing with the hospital, forget about anything beyond creating an income for yourself again. Once you've made that step, then you can pick one more small thing to do.
Breathe...there is a way out of this. You've just got to keep taking small, measured steps 'til you get there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 2
Yea i started going out more and going to the gym. I've been talking to a friend about things somewhat he couldn't possibly understand though. I've tryed to get jobs but in Michigan there isn't much u can do atm let alone get something that would pay for a house. I've had the down payment for a house saved up for some time but ive never got a job that would allow me to make enough to pay the payment and what not by myself. I idon't depend on anyone for my everyday needs right now. No i don't pay rent or billz here and that is lame i know but my parents are not hurting for money at all eaither. I'm sure that will change somewhat when the hospital bills start rolling in. I think im just gunna take baby steps and not make moving out my main thing for a few months. I need to get my health back i've lost alot of weight i think from just stress. I think i can be happy without leaving right now with my dad not being here and me knowing he is taken care of.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome Hego-
Sorry that you are going through this-please know that you are not alone-
I found that when I was living at home (years ago) that making myself busy was the only option that I had! I rode horses, played softball, ski club, cheerleading....etc...and then as I got older I had two jobs, still the horses- and went to the gym.
I found that keeping myself busy helped me remember who I was and forget what was going on in the home! I married young-so I was out of the house at 21 and began to live a much happier life for the most part away from the chaos.
It sounds like you know what you want-which is a great "baby step" in the right direction-
Try to keep yourself busy-maybe even incorporate an ACOA meeting in there-
Please keep posting and do not forget about you-
Sorry that you are going through this-please know that you are not alone-
I found that when I was living at home (years ago) that making myself busy was the only option that I had! I rode horses, played softball, ski club, cheerleading....etc...and then as I got older I had two jobs, still the horses- and went to the gym.
I found that keeping myself busy helped me remember who I was and forget what was going on in the home! I married young-so I was out of the house at 21 and began to live a much happier life for the most part away from the chaos.
It sounds like you know what you want-which is a great "baby step" in the right direction-
Try to keep yourself busy-maybe even incorporate an ACOA meeting in there-
Please keep posting and do not forget about you-
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
hegotgame,
I sure can identify with you, I am also a A.C.O.A.
I'm not sure how to say this, but save yourself. There is nothing you can do to change this situation. You are falling under the spell of enabling, and your anger may be from not being able to stop the madness.
This hospital stay, may in fact be a blessing, for your father. He'll be sober, and may feel he wants to remain sober. But, don't get your hopes too high.
Make a good attempt to get a job, and get away from all the chaos.
Plan your life.
Hugs, and hope,
I sure can identify with you, I am also a A.C.O.A.
I'm not sure how to say this, but save yourself. There is nothing you can do to change this situation. You are falling under the spell of enabling, and your anger may be from not being able to stop the madness.
This hospital stay, may in fact be a blessing, for your father. He'll be sober, and may feel he wants to remain sober. But, don't get your hopes too high.
Make a good attempt to get a job, and get away from all the chaos.
Plan your life.
Hugs, and hope,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hey game,
Sounds like you've got a plan -- that's half the battle
I think it's awesome that you have money saved for a down payment on a house already....I didn't get to buy my first tiny house (no down payment, no good job yet) until I was in my 30s. You're halfway there...you've just got to find work you like doing that has the possibility of increasing your salary as time goes on. That sometimes takes several tries but as long as you're learning something from every try, you're still moving ahead.
Keep chipping away at it. It will all come together if you can get a picture of what you want in your mind, and keep taking small steps toward it no matter what your parents decide to do with THEIR lives.
Good luck!
GL
Sounds like you've got a plan -- that's half the battle
I think it's awesome that you have money saved for a down payment on a house already....I didn't get to buy my first tiny house (no down payment, no good job yet) until I was in my 30s. You're halfway there...you've just got to find work you like doing that has the possibility of increasing your salary as time goes on. That sometimes takes several tries but as long as you're learning something from every try, you're still moving ahead.Keep chipping away at it. It will all come together if you can get a picture of what you want in your mind, and keep taking small steps toward it no matter what your parents decide to do with THEIR lives.
Good luck!
GL
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Just want to say, my Dad did a similar thing...He had throat cancer....tried to die at home...in his bed, suffering for like, 3 months...refusing to go to the hospital...self medicating with alcohol....couldn't eat...the tumors blocked his esophagus...could barely breathe....in the end....the pain got to him....he had to go to the hospital to get morphine...my mom drove him to the hospital....they live in the south and I had moved out west....so I am hearing about all of this on the phone....I wrote my father a letter...forgiving him for all that he had done to me in his life as an alcoholic...he got one of my siblings to read it to him....THE DAY BEFORE he went to the hospital...if I had waited a moment later...he would have missed my letter....he died shortly after that in the hospital.
I want to tell you that, IMHO, I think it is o.k. after all you have been through to NOT visit your Dad in the hospital...if that is YOUR choice...you have choices...My Dad died...and anyone can die at any time...I didn't get to visit my Dad in the hospital and I don't beat myself up about it...My Dad landed himself in the hospital as the end result of all the choices he made and as a result of the disease of alcoholism...
I didn't Cause it...I can't Control it....I can't Cure it....
I understand how you feel...I too thought that somebody would do something...but they didn't and he didn't and when the pain was too much....he went to the hospital...got his morphine and died.
I thought my Dad would get sober in the hospital...come home...and recover somehow.
I struggled for a while....
I want you to know I understand a little....Alcoholics refuse to go to the hospital sometimes....even when seriously injured or sick.
This could be a turning point for you...you don't want to go to the hospital...you are not a bad person...just someone who has had enough...
Keep coming back....Look forward to hearing from you again...
Your Dad might get sober...there is always hope....but you should focus on yourself no matter what the alcoholic does.
Good Luck with You!
Growing
I want to tell you that, IMHO, I think it is o.k. after all you have been through to NOT visit your Dad in the hospital...if that is YOUR choice...you have choices...My Dad died...and anyone can die at any time...I didn't get to visit my Dad in the hospital and I don't beat myself up about it...My Dad landed himself in the hospital as the end result of all the choices he made and as a result of the disease of alcoholism...
I didn't Cause it...I can't Control it....I can't Cure it....
I understand how you feel...I too thought that somebody would do something...but they didn't and he didn't and when the pain was too much....he went to the hospital...got his morphine and died.
I thought my Dad would get sober in the hospital...come home...and recover somehow.
I struggled for a while....
I want you to know I understand a little....Alcoholics refuse to go to the hospital sometimes....even when seriously injured or sick.
This could be a turning point for you...you don't want to go to the hospital...you are not a bad person...just someone who has had enough...
Keep coming back....Look forward to hearing from you again...
Your Dad might get sober...there is always hope....but you should focus on yourself no matter what the alcoholic does.
Good Luck with You!
Growing
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Originally Posted by Growing 
....Alcoholics refuse to go to the hospital sometimes....even when seriously injured or sick.
I think others have given some excellent advice. I am ACOA too. Only, my mom did sober up. I had left home and been gone for 10 years with NO communication. I couldn't take it any more. Then one day she finds me and calls me telling me she's checking her self in, would I watch my sister?
That was her turning point.
The disease pushes us away from those we love. IT's not that we don't love them, it's that if we continue to stay exposed to their disease, we get sick too. Mentally sick.
Do what you have to do to take care of yourself. Expect a lot of guilt trips.
Just don't get sucked into them.
I hope it gets better.
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