Lalaleah

anyone else have trouble deciphering between the soft spot for addicts and the hatred of the addiction and what it does to families/lives?

This is one thing that I still struggle with. I want to help others, and part of me feels for the addict. I feel sympathy for their pain. The other part of me hates what they are doing and feels angry towards the addict in question.

it is almost like a battle in my head between the sympathy and the anger.


I don't get mad at my XAH anymore, because we don't speak to each other. So, this isn't a thing with my addict, but with addicts in general.

This happens when I watch shows like intervention. I want to hug them and punch them at the same time. =p

Impurrfect

Yeah....I understand it and I am a recovering addict!

I'm trying to learn, from these great people here, how to hate the disease and still love the person. In some ways, I am more compassionate (been there done that), but in other ways I just want to shake some sense into them and yell "why can't you GET IT!!!!" I have to remind myself that I didn't "get it" until I was ready.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

sleepygoat

I'm a recovering addict and I also have mixed feelings when I see my daughter being such a dumb ass and also when I see other recovering addicts relapse or set themselves up to. It's a very frustrating disease - self-inflicted but driven by compulsion, obsession, and weird brain stuff! and then there is the incredible harm we cause others (not to mention ourselves) and the rationalization of it.

Elana

I have a similar issue Leah. I have NO USE for addicts. I just do not. Been thru too much with two of them. Compassion? My compassion is there but it has limits.

I have come around to thinking that every addict should be given ONE CHANCE to get sober on the Government's or Health Insurer's dime and that is IT. They take that and use it or take that and walk away. If they take it and walk away, cut off ALL SOCIAL SERVICES, no matter how long they are sober.. be it 5 days, 5 months, 5 years or 50 years. By losing ALL SOCIAL SERVICES that includes having their children taken from them if they have any. By all social services that includes Medicaid.

Quite honestly, as a tax payer and an employee of a company that has insurance that pays for rehabs, I am tired of paying for it. I paid enough living with them. I don't want to pay anymore and I think I should have a choice about that.

Those who want to support additional rehabs and services can donate to organizations that provide such things.

LiveLife

This has been one of my greatest struggles the past year. I loved the man, but hated what the drugs did to him. I tried to separate the two, but then I couldn't because he chose to put the needles in his arm and he selfishly sold/pawned/lost everything of value that we had. He lied and stole from strangers and ulimately from me and our customers and friends. I wanted to hold him/love him and kill him all at the exact same moment.

Two weeks ago, it became too much for me. The time away from him is giving me clarity and I am starting to heal emotionally. I know I won't ever let an addict or recovering addict so close to my heart and life again. Over the past year, my lover became my predator. I am realizing I allowed myself to be treated that way. My wounds are fresh and right now I can't find compassion for addiction.

I think the tiger is best observed from afar ..... accross the moat and through the fence. There are people who can care for him .... but it's not me. I lost too much by allowing the tiger to roam freely in my house with my children and me.

jlw1971

I'm in this same place right now myself. My brother died of an accidental heroin overdose on New Year's Eve just a few weeks ago. I'm going through so many different emotions right now, with anger and sympathy/sadness being two of the more prominent ones. I'm furious that his addiction killed him, but I know that he was truly tormented by it, and fought it for a large portion of his life. He was 34 when he died, and was in his first rehab at 14.

When he was alive and using, I had so much anger and frustration towards him with all of the behavior that goes along with addiction. But now that he's gone, I feel like I can better empathize with his struggle. It makes me sad that only now that he's gone, did I gain this perspective. He was a good person, even in addiction he was never mean or hateful towards us. At his viewing, people were telling us stories of his kindness, how he would give you the shirt off his back. He *wanted* to be well. I really and truly believe that. He just could not beat his addiction, but not for lack of trying.

Addiction stole my brother from me, which really pisses me off and makes me unbelievably sad. We all feel like we missed out on the "real" son and brother that was buried under the addiction. And that really sucks.

I should add that we feel like his addictive tendencies were there at the beginning. He was adopted (as was I), and as an infant it was as though he was going through drug/alcohol withdrawal that was never disclosed to us. As a three year-old, he had no concept of consequences. If he got in trouble, he would say, "it was worth it". I think that he was born with addiction, and it manifested itself throughout his life. This too makes me so sad and so angry. So many emotions to battle through right now, and they come out of nowhere.

I hated his addiction, but I loved my brother and miss him terribly. So yes, now I do have sympathy for him and his disease like I never did when he was on this earth.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread, but it seemed very timely, given the feelings that I'm going through right now.

Jen

BayAreaPhoenix

This is the hardest thing, and I think where I kept getting stuck. Where and when was I responding or dealing with my H and when was I dealing with AH. I had been looking for an answer, to try to separate the two. It is as much a sympathy/empathy vs. anger, in my mind right now at least, as it is H vs. AH. It is a hard question. If we think of the disease, like a cancer or something, then it seems there is a choice: admit they have the disease and go to the Dr., etc. they need to get better (and we offer sympathy and empathy and support); or continue to be sneaky to not admit it, and then they are making a choice to accept the consequences of not seeking help (then we have to detach, but not hate them for this choice just accept it as their choice). This is simplified obviously, but, if the addiction messes with their thinking, etc. just how much are they resonponsible for? But, I have been learning that he IS responsible. Can't wait to keep on reading everyone's replies -

kj21

I relate to codeinewife. But my problem is when he admits he has a problem, goes to the Dr. and gets councilling but I still feel like I cannot trust him to tell the truth. He says he is recovery...but...I am afraid everything he does or says is to manipulate me into believing he is getting better and setting myself up for being hurt again. Therefore I have a hard time having compassion because it sets me up for pain and heartache.