We do it to Ourselves
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
We do it to Ourselves
I have been thinking about this for awhile now. Those who don't know me.. I had a BF who all of a sudden decided to up and move out. In the process of breaking my heart and moving out I found out he had been using my house to grow pot and deal drugs. I found the store room where he allegedly kept his photo gear was really a pot growing room (no wonder the electric bill was so high!) and I even found a patch of it growing out back behind my shed. If that was not enough.. about 4 months later I found out for certain he had been cheating on me.
Well, I came here and I got myself better on a lot of fronts.... and I am free of the heart break and free of this.. poor excuse for a man.. this person who used me and has been a drug addict for 40 years.. and likely wil be a drug addict to his grave. I am fine. I truly am.
However, with 20/20 hind sight I must say that the heart break and all the rest was as much me letting it happen as his doing it to me. I did it to me too.
My pain was largely self inflicted. What I thought was "love" was not.. it was some sort of heart wrenching self serving obessesive thing that was as difficult for me to break free from as it is for the drug addict to break free from drugs. Once free of that serpent of obssesion I was free to take care of me, get my head screwed on straight and realize what a FOOL I had been over this man. Yes.. CoDependencey is what I practiced and it was just really as very close to mental illness as one can get.
The bottom line is that the heart ache.. all that pain I felt and went through was SELF INFLICTED because I lost me in the obsession over HIM. That terrible, gut wrenching awful pain when he left is something I know today I will never feel again because I will never again approach a relationship with the same obsessive process.
I look back today and my thinking then was "if he only loved me.. and showed it.. " He did not. He never will. Not to me or to anyone else. Beyond that I can tell you that if he HAD it likely would not have been enough. My addiction to being obsessed with him was as ever escalating in its need as his use of drugs.
I do not know anything, really, about what a parent must go thru when they lose their child to drugs. However, in relationships with another, we codependents do the deed to ourselves. We truly do. We do the deed to ourselves by continuing to obsess over someone who places us, and everything else, behind his desire to get high.
Does it take strength to STOP? yes. It also takes anger. Anger at being second best to some drug and allowing ourselves to be second to a drug. Anger at being treated poorly by others and ALLOWING them to do it. It takes recognition. It takes looking at ourselves and deciding as free thinking and independent human beings we deserve MORE from life than the lies, cheating, cruel words and irresponsible treatment we get from a drug addict. It takes recognizing that we do not own that treatment unless we continue to allow it to happen in the name of this sick obsession we think is love but is, in reality, anything BUT love.
While the drug addicts in our relationships may cause us huge pain.. huge losses.. they can ONLY DO THIS IF WE LET THEM.
To stop the pain we must stop our own addiction and recognize that as long as we accept it we will never be happy.
Hello. My name is NOT Mat and you CANNOT wipe your feet on ME any more.
Well, I came here and I got myself better on a lot of fronts.... and I am free of the heart break and free of this.. poor excuse for a man.. this person who used me and has been a drug addict for 40 years.. and likely wil be a drug addict to his grave. I am fine. I truly am.
However, with 20/20 hind sight I must say that the heart break and all the rest was as much me letting it happen as his doing it to me. I did it to me too.
My pain was largely self inflicted. What I thought was "love" was not.. it was some sort of heart wrenching self serving obessesive thing that was as difficult for me to break free from as it is for the drug addict to break free from drugs. Once free of that serpent of obssesion I was free to take care of me, get my head screwed on straight and realize what a FOOL I had been over this man. Yes.. CoDependencey is what I practiced and it was just really as very close to mental illness as one can get.
The bottom line is that the heart ache.. all that pain I felt and went through was SELF INFLICTED because I lost me in the obsession over HIM. That terrible, gut wrenching awful pain when he left is something I know today I will never feel again because I will never again approach a relationship with the same obsessive process.
I look back today and my thinking then was "if he only loved me.. and showed it.. " He did not. He never will. Not to me or to anyone else. Beyond that I can tell you that if he HAD it likely would not have been enough. My addiction to being obsessed with him was as ever escalating in its need as his use of drugs.
I do not know anything, really, about what a parent must go thru when they lose their child to drugs. However, in relationships with another, we codependents do the deed to ourselves. We truly do. We do the deed to ourselves by continuing to obsess over someone who places us, and everything else, behind his desire to get high.
Does it take strength to STOP? yes. It also takes anger. Anger at being second best to some drug and allowing ourselves to be second to a drug. Anger at being treated poorly by others and ALLOWING them to do it. It takes recognition. It takes looking at ourselves and deciding as free thinking and independent human beings we deserve MORE from life than the lies, cheating, cruel words and irresponsible treatment we get from a drug addict. It takes recognizing that we do not own that treatment unless we continue to allow it to happen in the name of this sick obsession we think is love but is, in reality, anything BUT love.
While the drug addicts in our relationships may cause us huge pain.. huge losses.. they can ONLY DO THIS IF WE LET THEM.
To stop the pain we must stop our own addiction and recognize that as long as we accept it we will never be happy.
Hello. My name is NOT Mat and you CANNOT wipe your feet on ME any more.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: In the City
Posts: 59
A thousand hugs to you Elana. Your posts have been tremendously valuable to me as I am in the midst of my own detachment crisis. Each day is a process of healing and it took nearly a year of chaos and hell for me to begin to recognize what you write above.
Once I recognized that I was allowing this madness to infect my life and the lives of my children, I knew I had to end it. There was no love left in our relationship. Just obesessions. His to get high and mine to bring back that amazing man I fell in love with 5 years ago. Separating from my ABF took many months and now (only two weeks old in my separate journey) each hour of each day I work on healing the emotional and mental wounds .... but this I know for sure .... I will never allow this to happen to me or my children again.
I pray everyone find the strength to find their path through the darkness of addiction. We are stonger than we think we are ...... just look at what we have survived so far....
I've learned I can make my own choices .... It's My Life and I'm Going to Live It!!!!!
Thanks again Elana ... your wisdom is a blessing to me!
Once I recognized that I was allowing this madness to infect my life and the lives of my children, I knew I had to end it. There was no love left in our relationship. Just obesessions. His to get high and mine to bring back that amazing man I fell in love with 5 years ago. Separating from my ABF took many months and now (only two weeks old in my separate journey) each hour of each day I work on healing the emotional and mental wounds .... but this I know for sure .... I will never allow this to happen to me or my children again.
I pray everyone find the strength to find their path through the darkness of addiction. We are stonger than we think we are ...... just look at what we have survived so far....
I've learned I can make my own choices .... It's My Life and I'm Going to Live It!!!!!
Thanks again Elana ... your wisdom is a blessing to me!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Elana - thank you so much for sharing this....you really put it so well. I know that I will never again "love" anyone the way that I did RAH - thank God! It really wasn't love at all, it was obsession. The hurt slowly changes to anger and the anger fueled me to begin to develop the self discipline that I have been lacking. Love does not equal pain. Surprise surprise! The addictive beginnings of a sick relationship are what always used to hook me in....the attractive, bequiling, intensity, and uber connectiveness of the early days lured me into believing that that was what was real - not all the crap that came later with the active addiction. Now I know what was real and what wasn't. Real love grows in a different way. And it doesn't hurt like that used to hurt.
So many people write about the kind, loving, sensitive partner that they fell in love with and how drugs changed everything. And how if they would only stop using that that person would be able to come back. Well, i
f they do quit using something else can develop...that's what recovery is about. However, I've sat in many hours of AA meetings and never have I once heard that anyone has returned to who they used to be. They can develop many wonderful and true good qualities but I believe that addiction alters you in ways that you'd never even begin to believe and spits you out the other side. More than that though, I know how much my partner's addiction/sobriety has changed me. I've never cried so many really wet tears in my life. I've had to grieve for the me that used to be - the one that allowed myself to be treated this way. Yep - I teed myself right up and asked to be kicked....again and again....just like Lucy and Charlie Brown. It is so healing to get to the point where you know not to even bother to kick. At least not with people like "Lucy".
Anyway - thank you so much for your post - Donna
So many people write about the kind, loving, sensitive partner that they fell in love with and how drugs changed everything. And how if they would only stop using that that person would be able to come back. Well, i
f they do quit using something else can develop...that's what recovery is about. However, I've sat in many hours of AA meetings and never have I once heard that anyone has returned to who they used to be. They can develop many wonderful and true good qualities but I believe that addiction alters you in ways that you'd never even begin to believe and spits you out the other side. More than that though, I know how much my partner's addiction/sobriety has changed me. I've never cried so many really wet tears in my life. I've had to grieve for the me that used to be - the one that allowed myself to be treated this way. Yep - I teed myself right up and asked to be kicked....again and again....just like Lucy and Charlie Brown. It is so healing to get to the point where you know not to even bother to kick. At least not with people like "Lucy".
Anyway - thank you so much for your post - Donna
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
We desrve to be treated with respect in all out dealings with other people and especially with anyone we are in a relationship with.
I have come on this board and read situations with addicts I would not let an animal live in.. yet co dependents live in those situations and come back for more.
If they have a relationship with someone in this codependent way who normal.. not a codie and not and addict, their need for ever escalating attention drives the person away.
I have come on this board and read situations with addicts I would not let an animal live in.. yet co dependents live in those situations and come back for more.
If they have a relationship with someone in this codependent way who normal.. not a codie and not and addict, their need for ever escalating attention drives the person away.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Does it take strength to STOP? yes. It also takes anger. Anger at being second best to some drug and allowing ourselves to be second to a drug. Anger at being treated poorly by others and ALLOWING them to do it. It takes recognition. It takes looking at ourselves and deciding as free thinking and independent human beings we deserve MORE from life than the lies, cheating, cruel words and irresponsible treatment we get from a drug addict.
Well stated Elana, thanks...On a little different note, I couldn't help but notice that if I substitute "drugs" for "drug addict" in what you wrote, I can see exactly what the addict has to do to seek recovery too. We're so much the same, even though it seems as if "they" are so different. Ours is the obsession of the mind; the addict faces the physical allergy/dependency and the obsession of the mind. Takes lots of strength and commitment for both addict and codependent to choose to recover. Hugs
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
Thank you so much for your post. I am going through a VERY similar situation, only I left him. Because, as you said, it took anger. He stole everything from me - that finally pushed me over the edge. Should I have seen it coming? Absolutely. Did I? I guess, in retrospect, I kind of did. And I chose to stay... I suppose I learned my lesson there...
I was watching a Dr. Phil show - and I actually can't stand him usually, not really sure why I was watching, but I was. Anyway - he made a comment to a family who had wasted thousands and thousands of dollars - he told them that you pay for education. You pay for college... and classes. And if you learn from that education, it was money well spent. So, I am trying to look at my failed relationship and, what I now see as stupid decisions, as exactly that - an education. An expensive one - but one I will never have to learn again.
I was watching a Dr. Phil show - and I actually can't stand him usually, not really sure why I was watching, but I was. Anyway - he made a comment to a family who had wasted thousands and thousands of dollars - he told them that you pay for education. You pay for college... and classes. And if you learn from that education, it was money well spent. So, I am trying to look at my failed relationship and, what I now see as stupid decisions, as exactly that - an education. An expensive one - but one I will never have to learn again.
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Hey Wildkatz.. ..Pamm.. I will take that hug. I sure have come to love your posts. I truly admire some of the actions you have taken and described here.
Just know there are OTHER wild ones around.
Mewcomer.. My XABF DID teach me photography. I am glad I learned it. However, for the Money it cost me I could have gone to school FT and gotten a degree in it... I agree. I got an education in a LOT more than photography.
C'est la Vie! I learned and learned well. My life is GOOD today because I learned.
He is still the same, I am sure.
Just know there are OTHER wild ones around.
Mewcomer.. My XABF DID teach me photography. I am glad I learned it. However, for the Money it cost me I could have gone to school FT and gotten a degree in it... I agree. I got an education in a LOT more than photography.
C'est la Vie! I learned and learned well. My life is GOOD today because I learned.
He is still the same, I am sure.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
Elana -
Thanks - I agree - for the money it cost me, I could probably have a PhD - or three.... But I'm trying to see it as, if I NEVER have to live my life that way again, then I suppose it was money well spent...
Maybe it's just my way of not completely becoming caught up in the financial ruin I'm climbing out of - but it's getting me through at the moment, so I'll stick with it!
Thanks - I agree - for the money it cost me, I could probably have a PhD - or three.... But I'm trying to see it as, if I NEVER have to live my life that way again, then I suppose it was money well spent...
Maybe it's just my way of not completely becoming caught up in the financial ruin I'm climbing out of - but it's getting me through at the moment, so I'll stick with it!
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