Understanding the alcoholics behavior

Old 01-19-2008, 02:25 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 14
Question Understanding the alcoholics behavior

Ok, so I have been pretty down lately, and could do with some kind words. I understand the reasons why he does the things he does. He was brought up in a very abusive alcoholic household, as is very emotional damaged from that still, as he has never dealt with it, so carries much anger, fear, resentment around with him everyday, which crops up in every aspect of his life.

We have been together for 3 years, and it took him a long time to really get close to me, but he eventually gave in as we fell madly in love. He had never been that close to anyone before. He is 33. He always kept everyone at a distance. We were in love, best friends, companions, we were everything to each other. He had been sober for 2 years and we had had a very close content, beautiful, devoted relationship. Lately work and life has gotten on top of him, along with his fears, insecurities in his job, about his future, his own feelings of inadeqacy etc, and he started drinking again. He had had a couple of slips lately, which we argued about, as his personality completely changes when he drinks and he becomes cocky, cold and insensitive. My hurt feelings caused me to show anger toward him, and we would fight. I said the next time it happened it would be over.

Of course it happened, and I ended the relationship, because I thought at the time, he didn't love me enough as he has done it again knowing what the outcome would be, so my own insecurities made me walk away. Since I have learned all about alcoholism and I am ashamed of myself, I now know it's not about me, it's because he is an alcoholic and needs to drink in order to cope with his life, at this point in time, as he constantly lives with all his feelings and pain from his childhood, which present themselves in areas of his life every day, and everything just got too much.

We havent spoke for 2 months now. He knows I can't be with him if he is actively drinking as it affects our relationship so much. We both cried so much saying goodbye, to each other. He is so down on himself, and wished he could turn the clock back, but he can't and he knows he can't stop drinking right now! Unknowingly to me at the time, it wasn't just a couple of slips that he had had, he was back to being a hard-core alcoholic, over which he knew he had no control.

So although I understand alcoholism, and can say to myself, this has happened because of this and because he is an alcoholic and because he has no control over his drinking, I still constantly ask myself, how could this happen. We were so in love and so so happy, how can he not see what he is so easily,it seems, giving up. He said he had never been so happy in his life than he was with me, and it brought so much contentment to his life and he loved that. He says he will regret this for the rest of his life. He loved calling me and hearing my voice everyday, it bought so much joy to his life, and I felt exactly the same. So how did this happen? How can he just let me go, when I know he loves me so much, more than anyone else in the world.

I am by no means a stupid person, so why do I have such a hard time accepting the fact, and keep asking myself why all the time. It's like my brain understands it, but my heart simply will not catch up.

Does he even think about what he has lost, and the huge void he told me he had in his life when we first broke up. Does he even think about whats not there anymore, or is he so consumed by the alcohol that he doesn't give it a second thought anymore. How do you go from being so happy and content for 3 years, to suddenly drinking and not caring about anything that meant everything to you before. He is not a happy drunk at all, so it's not as if it's that, so how do alcoholics not look at the fact that they are not as happy now drinking and being alone, as they were in a relationship with someone that meant everything to them and the joy that brought, when they were sober, and the beauty that came out of that loving relationship? They have sober moments right, like in the morning when they wake up, as they are not drinking 24hrs a day, so how does reality not set in then, and make them realize?

I realize I am going around in circles, but please help me clarify, I'm driving myself crazy as you can probably see. I have been going to al-anon for 2 months now and seeing a therapist. I am fine when I am there, but when I am alone again, like now, my mind starts driving me crazy again..... Please help!
Alice Kate is offline  
Old 01-19-2008, 02:42 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
RosieM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Back South where I belong!
Posts: 210
Alice Kate, I am so sorry for your pain. Your story is so similar to mine. My AH told me one time that when he is drinking, nothing else matters. Not me, our relationship - none of it. I guess they just decide to check out. Then the addiction takes over and they become different people. We have to take care of ourselves. I'm told it becomes less painful with time and I think I can see that happening for me and I hope it happens for you, too. R.
RosieM is offline  
Old 01-19-2008, 02:45 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: California
Posts: 112
Alice Kate~

My heart goes out to you. I feel your pain.

You have to remember......he DOES love you....and you love him.

You did NOT break his heart and he did NOT break yours.....alcohol did.

He MUST do this on his own. If you leave, then you are planting a seed toward recovery. It may never happen, but look at it as an act of love. If you go back, you are doing him no favors.

Hang in there.
carolineb is offline  
Old 01-19-2008, 02:49 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
ICU
Member
 
ICU's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Alice Kate,

I'm sorry for the pain and the confusion you are experiencing right now.

Originally Posted by Alice Kate View Post
I am by no means a stupid person, so why do I have such a hard time accepting the fact, and keep asking myself why all the time. It's like my brain understands it, but my heart simply will not catch up.
I have certainly found in my situation with my now ex, that it took a very long time for my heart to catch up to what my brain understood. It takes work for sure. But until that time, I felt torn and confused too.

I'm glad you're giving Alanon a good try. Between that, the therapy you're doing, and by coming here, it will happen, but, not overnight! Keep coming back!
ICU is offline  
Old 01-19-2008, 04:22 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Bottom line:

The pain is what motivates them to recovery, not the pleasure(perceived) of using
steve11694 is offline  
Old 01-19-2008, 04:28 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
bluejay6's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
the life and recovery of an addict has its ebbs and flows. i think it is significant and encouraging that he had two years clean before relapse. relapse is a common occurrence in addiction, and some addicts have to relapse a few times before the recovery really sticks. it always concerns me when partners of addicts end the relationship altogether rather than separating while the addict takes care of business, if the relationship and the recovery are both young. things are not black and white, cut and dry, with an addict, and being able to move with the flow is a necessary part of the relationship, in my opinion, if one is taking the long view. but you have to have the commitment and the desire.

all i can add is that if he returns to recovery sometime in the coming months, and asks you to wait for him to get back on track (maybe a year) and you want to, then do it.
while you are moving through all the pain right now, read all you can about addiction. i believe our thoughts and hearts connect to our addicts through time and space, and the more you are grounded and informed, the better for you both.

the time you had together, clean and sober, was beautiful and my hope is that after some time of misery and terrible isolation, he will do what he has to do. you'll have to wait and see.

all the best. it takes time. lots of it.
bluejay6 is offline  
Old 01-19-2008, 04:30 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Alice Kate View Post
Lately work and life has gotten on top of him, along with his fears, insecurities in his job, about his future, his own feelings of inadeqacy etc, and he started drinking again.
We can't make excuses for them or for why they drink. I've had some really rough patches in my own life, but I didn't start drinking over them. Most of us face life and our problems stone, cold sober. He drinks to excess because he is an alcoholic. Period.

Originally Posted by Alice Kate View Post
I still constantly ask myself, how could this happen. We were so in love and so so happy, how can he not see what he is so easily,it seems, giving up...How can he just let me go, when I know he loves me so much, more than anyone else in the world.
His drinking has nothing to do with you, or what he feels for you. He has let you go because he needs to drink. You have let him go, because you couldn't live that way, and he wouldn't change for you.

Originally Posted by Alice Kate View Post
Does he even think about what he has lost, and the huge void he told me he had in his life when we first broke up. Does he even think about whats not there anymore, or is he so consumed by the alcohol that he doesn't give it a second thought anymore.
Maybe. But his need to drink is greater than his need to be with you. This is out of his control. It's not personal.

Originally Posted by Alice Kate View Post
They have sober moments right, like in the morning when they wake up, as they are not drinking 24hrs a day, so how does reality not set in then, and make them realize?
As long as he is an active alcoholic, every moment of his life (sober or drunk) is spent thinking about that next drink.

Originally Posted by Alice Kate View Post
I have been going to al-anon for 2 months now and seeing a therapist.
Keep it up. Spend your time learning to change circumstances and people you can control -- your own and yourself.

((()))
hope2bhappy is offline  
Old 01-19-2008, 04:34 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
bluejay6's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
just want to add: if his sobriety was achieved without treatment or a support group, then many would call that white-knuckling it, not real recovery. read about real recovery, and don't compromise on the need for that.

take care.
bluejay6 is offline  
Old 01-19-2008, 06:12 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I gave up long ago trying to figure out why in the world my AH chose drinking over his children and his wife let alone everything else that used to be valued in his life. But that's what he did and his reasons certainly weren't the result of reasoning or logic.

Concentrating on yourself will bring you much better results.
Barbara52 is offline  
Old 01-21-2008, 08:38 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Des Plaines,IL
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by Alice Kate View Post
I am by no means a stupid person, so why do I have such a hard time accepting the fact, and keep asking myself why all the time. It's like my brain understands it, but my heart simply will not catch up.

Does he even think about what he has lost, and the huge void he told me he had in his life when we first broke up. Does he even think about whats not there anymore, or is he so consumed by the alcohol that he doesn't give it a second thought anymore. How do you go from being so happy and content for 3 years, to suddenly drinking and not caring about anything that meant everything to you before.
Hi AliceKate:

I think that you are making a big assumption when you say that he was happy and content for 3 years. It sure sounds to me like he was still carrying around a lot of baggage from his childhood as Acoa. I am sure that you brought him a lot of happiness to his life, but apparently it wasn't enough to overcome the misery he was in. I get the feeling that he was not only being consumed by alcohol, but also by his past.
ccirider is offline  
Old 01-21-2008, 10:20 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Recovering Nicely
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Originally Posted by Alice Kate View Post
We were in love, best friends, companions, we were everything to each other. He had been sober for 2 years and we had had a very close content, beautiful, devoted relationship. Lately work and life has gotten on top of him, along with his fears, insecurities in his job, about his future, his own feelings of inadeqacy etc, and he started drinking again. He had had a couple of slips lately, which we argued about, as his personality completely changes when he drinks and he becomes cocky, cold and insensitive. My hurt feelings caused me to show anger toward him, and we would fight. I said the next time it happened it would be over.

He is so down on himself, and wished he could turn the clock back, but he can't and he knows he can't stop drinking right now! Unknowingly to me at the time, it wasn't just a couple of slips that he had had, he was back to being a hard-core alcoholic, over which he knew he had no control.

We were so in love and so so happy, how can he not see what he is so easily,it seems, giving up. He said he had never been so happy in his life than he was with me, and it brought so much contentment to his life and he loved that.

Does he even think about what he has lost, and the huge void he told me he had in his life when we first broke up. Does he even think about whats not there anymore, or is he so consumed by the alcohol that he doesn't give it a second thought anymore. How do you go from being so happy and content for 3 years, to suddenly drinking and not caring about anything that meant everything to you before. He is not a happy drunk at all, so it's not as if it's that, so how do alcoholics not look at the fact that they are not as happy now drinking and being alone, as they were in a relationship with someone that meant everything to them and the joy that brought, when they were sober, and the beauty that came out of that loving relationship? They have sober moments right, like in the morning when they wake up, as they are not drinking 24hrs a day, so how does reality not set in then, and make them realize?
Alice Kate - I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you and the love of your life. If you want to read my posts, you will see my husband and I have had a relationship very similar to yours (except we're together over 20 years) and I am still with him. To try and understand how the alcoholic mind works will drive you insane. Trust me, been there done that and still at times doing it. My husband is not a happy drunk either, actually sometimes sits there and looks at me and cries, yet has no control over when and how much he drinks. He knows I will leave him soon, yet he can't stop either (and he did at one point for over 14 years without a single relapse). Alcoholism is a powerful, cunning and baffling disease that has destroyed so many lives and relationships. As others have said, hopefully your leaving may someday motivate him to want to become sober and happy again. I give you alot of credit for your strength.
queenteree is offline  
Old 01-21-2008, 02:07 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I used to spend obsessive hours wondering why the alcoholic in my life did this thing or that thing. eventually I came to realize it didn't matter why he did or didn't do anything. Reality was that was the situation and I could either value myself enough to take care of myself or go down with him.. so I took care of myself and my life is completely different today in amuch better way.


ngaire
fluffyflea is offline  
Old 01-21-2008, 02:21 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
KMMK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 53
Dear Alice Kate..
your post sounds so much like what i am currently going thru myself.
My bf of over two years, drinks some now due to liver issues, but smokes pot all day long.
I was taking care of myself, not taking on his responsibilities., not revolving around him , not rescuing him in any way.
For two years it was sort of up and down, but then we had a good eight months straight and that was the cunning part of the disease.
i was lulled into thinking things were going to be and stay calm , even though his addictions were running rampant, along with the ever increasing ISMS.
of resentment, self centeredness, pity party..etc.
As i got better, he got more upset with me and upped the ante accordingly..until in oct 07 , he pulled the rug out from under me and said i will never move in with him or marry him and my lifestyle is lame, standing still and going nowhere..
and so, he is moving on to find a life partner who will be with him 24/7 (which i interpret as he wants someone to take on ALL that i would not.)
so, he went and found someone new on a internet dating site...which i see as another reflection of the "disease"..not about Me!
he still emails now and then, keeping that one foot in the door.
No matter what he does,
i know , i am the one he loves.(.as much as he is CAPABLE of loving with his pot infiltrated thinking.)
i know its the disease, and its taken me a long time for my heart to really believe this is not about me..or love..or "us".
It is what the disease does...abandons loved ones.
i ask the same questions you do Alice kate..verbatim.
how can he ..?
all the questions you ask. cunning baffling powerful and patient!
i dont think they feel it as we do because they are half out of it most of the time...there might be moments of clarity/ reality which they quickly dull once again with the substance.
Alice kate..i know how bad you are hurting and how devestated you are, because i am too.
its awful ..
but as CarolineB posted...you love him..he loves you..
but the alcohol came between you...that and the whole disease..of the isms etc.
hang in there sweetie.
you are in my prayers , as is my A and yours too.
big hugs.
kmmk
KMMK is offline  
Old 01-21-2008, 06:35 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
CBrown's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
There are SO many excellent points in this thread I could just copy the whole thing again, and print it too for myself to read and remind myself.

First, Alice Kate, great big hugs for you feeling down. We've walked your walk, know the ups & downs and can empathize with you.

You ask "Does he even think about what he has lost, and the huge void he told me he had in his life when we first broke up. Does he even think about whats not there anymore, or is he so consumed by the alcohol that he doesn't give it a second thought anymore." When my XABF disappeared on me in early 2005, I thought the same thing. He'd said he loved me, wanted a relationship with me, was struggling with things. When I saw him again in Dec. 2006, I had my answers. He didn't even remember my name, had been living with a woman for months and he looked like he was dying. I ceased to exist during that absense, as I'm sure I ceased to exist this final break.

I never got a goodbye, tears or hugged him, my A just disappeared on me. Again. I had to find out through others that I was no longer "engaged" to him, that he had a ring on an ex-girlfriend's finger and that they'll be marrying next month. He has zero consideration for others, and zero remorse. He's a very sick man - mentally and physically.

I cannot make rhyme or reason of it. How can you in his insane world? They truly do not think of anyone or anything but the next drink, and who can take care of them so they can drink. I refused that life, so I was expendable.

ICU is right. It seems to take forever for the heart to realize what the head is telling it. You want to believe in what the A said to you soooo badly. But the proof is right in front of you. There are still things that trigger memories of R for me, and for a while I get to thinking. BUT I HAVE TO STOP that line of thinking, or it would drive me mad and put me back at square one.

Unlike some of the others, I am under no illusions about my XABF anymore. I got tired of believing in him when nothing he said made sense. So I started some sleuthing. I found and talked to his current and former friends and they told me the REAL story of my XABF. It turned out who he was was a mirror image of who he claimed to be.

I had to separate the fantasy from fiction. The truth is setting me free, and I encourage you to do the same with your AH. Remember too, we are trying to deal rationally with those who no longer can think rationally.

More hugs to you ....
CBrown is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:28 AM.