Pilgrim

Last week I read my aso's phone and he is still fooling around. This time it is someone called Gemma. I didn't say anything and I have been praying for help to deal with getting him out of my life (I am his Manager at work still).

We have had some intermittent nice times over the holidays when he has stayed sober.

I am 5 months sober.

He just texted me to ask if I wanted him to come over and we could do a bbq. It would be nice but I don't want the Mr. Sometimes thing anymore.

I am in touch with my sponsor right now but I am calling out for help to deploy the shark nets. Support please.

WantsOut

If you are newly sober, a relationship is the last thing you need. The drama is not good for you, as you know.

I want to support you but I'm not sure what to say except to go to a meeting and let this person go. I know that was much easier to type than to live. There are few easy answers in life, as you well know.

Pilgrim

Well now. I have been trying to get away from him for 6 years. I came from an intensely alcoholic family and I came here for some support because I am not well yet.

No we do not live together and we have been in a casual relationship for a long time. He stayed the night with me after a concert last week. I have not checked on him for many months but I felt strong enough to know the truth. Like I said, I did not tell him I knew and I do not want to discuss anything with him either.

Trying to end it has not worked until now. I thought I would try to come for some support on this board and pray.

Thanks anyway. I will keep asking my HP and sponsor.

hope2bhappy

I'm not exactly sure what you want to hear, but this is what jumps out at me... You are 5 months sober. You are "casually" involved with an active A, who has invited you to his home. You might be strong enough to "handle the truth" (about Gemma), but I'm not sure you are strong enough to hang out with friends/lovers, etc., who are still active in their disease. Your sobriety should be your primary concern. If you stay away from him, then you will protect this AND your heart. It's a win-win situation. I hope you make the right decision for yourself.

nogard

Steph your better than that and desevere so much more. Open the gate for better things by letting him go.

Kevin

bluejay6

i'll have to put in a different view. i think it is perfectly fine for anyone to look for information that her partner is cheating on her, including looking at the man's cell log, if you have a gut feeling something is going on. i do not read your post any other way but that you were looking for evidence of other women, which is your right and your protection. you describe your relationship as "casual", so i am not sure if there is a promise between you to be monogamous. but if there is, then you are right to follow your nose and find out the truth you need to know.

i agree with everyone else: spending time with an unrecovering boyfriend will be a challenge to your sobriety. i know recovering people who did manage to stay clean while their partners continued to use....but eventually the relationship deteriorated anyway because there is so much resentment from both sides.

there is no shame in not being able yet to walk away. we have deep and profound connections to people in our lives that others cannot perhaps understand, and there is no shame when it is a struggle to let go. you said you have been trying, and are still trying, and i say, continue on....keep trying your best to let go until the wheel turns and you actually can. we get there when we get there.

IMO: care about him from a distance. and stick like glue to recovering addicts, for you are in danger of relapse when your emotions are churning. i'm sure your sponsor is repeating the same to you every day.

change your family history. be the one who loves herself enough to bloom like a rose in this world.

much love.

gns

I also agree that sometimes checking cellphone logs or emails can be necessary/therpeutic. When the person you are dealing with is TOTAL liar and there is no way to really understand it is sometimes SO HELPFUL to finally understand.

I read my ex's emails for a few months after we broke up. I no longer do, but he lied to me about so much for 4 years, I needed to know and see what was really true!

Pilgrim, it sounds like a difficult situation - hope you find what is in your soul about this!

karmakoma

Pilgrim, whilst checking his phone IS a massive breach of trust, I do understand why you needed to do it.

Question is, what do you do with this information? If I wanted a committed relationship with someone whom I could trust, then I would set myself free from someone who does not want the same. I would then focus on my own recovery so that I was in the best shape to attract just that kind of guy. Does that sound reasonable?

Pilgrim

Thanks so much everyone.

He texted me yesterday morning to see when we would get together to have a bbq. It would have been so nice but the knowledge of his lies to me is mine to know and it is like my insurance policy right now. It is keeping me safe.

I still don't want to see him or talk to him about 6 years of promises of trying to change himself. He said he would not hurt me and of course he can't keep any of his promises. He knows I expect faithfullness and he told me he had been faithful so I was in limbo waiting for him.

My son calls him Mr Sometimes. He is wonderful sometimes and I am in so much need sometimes. This knowledge of this seedy thing going on with this other women seems to be the thing I need to finally let go.

I replied to his text about the bbq after talking to my sponsor and asking HP. I texted that I was sorry but I couldn't do the casual/sometimes thing any more. I then asked him to take leave for the rest of the week. After that, we travel to Australia where I have made meetings for me then him with the HR manager there.

Sponsor came last night to keep me company which was nice.

He didn't respond at all. I expect maybe he will just totally ignore it and come to work. I have no power over that today so I will just keep doing the next right thing in my recovery and I will keep praying and asking for help.

Thank you again. And bluejay especially thank you.

Dee74

Steph. Sweetie.
Time to let him go...really. How many times have we been here ?

I know it's scary thinking about being alone - but you won't be...not for long.
and as Kev says you deserve better.

D

reader

Your HP let u know what u needed to save yourself... Swim but the hell with the shark net u describe. You deserve so much better. Take care of u. Congrats on your soberity. With love, Kerry

Pilgrim

This is so much worse than I thought. It isn't about trust and privacy and relationships. It is about codependence and violence and control.

The text was important for me to know the sort of person he still is. Now that I am sober, and I don't drink to numb the pain, it is what I needed.

This person has had his nasty grip on me for 6 years.

I have asked that he leave the job. I have begged. I have used all my old ways. He ignores me. He blames me for all his problems. He is an abuser. I have been brainsashed and manipulated for 6 years and my self esteem is rock bottom. I am scared of him.

I have had to call the police and they confisgated his guns. I am admitting the most embarrassing and humiliating thing I have ever admitted. For me, it is even more shameful than being an alcoholic. For all my supposed "I have myself together", I am as powerless over this creep as a lamb. I asked him to stop surfing porn at work. He says he will and does it again the next day.

I used to think people were just sick and needed help and oh how ready I was with 43 years "helping" my family under my belt. Now I just think some people are bad.

I am seeing an employment lawyer tomorrow to get him suspended. I considered resigning today just to get away. He is becoming more and more nasty. I have started hanging out more with fellowship people because I am quite afraid of him.

Great huh? I used to drink and scheme and placate him to keep him happy. Now I don't drink I see what a terrible mess I have been all my life.

So yea - I read his texts. I will do so much more over coming days because I want to survive this. And if anyone is shocked over privacy issues, please go make your complaints on other threads.

O and I went to my first al-anon meeting tonight.

Barbara52

If this is known at work, I'm surprised he hasn't been fired. I don't know of any company that tolerates this even once.

Barbara52

Pilgrim, it seems to me that you have fought so hard for your own sobriety that it would be a shame to risk it through involvement with this active alcoholic. You are worth so much more! Believe that please.

karmakoma

Pilgrim, I am sorry to hear you are still hurting. Glad to hear that you went to al-anon. How was it?

It seems that you have 2 seperate issues here - personal and professional. Whilst I understand that it is very difficult to do, you must seperate them out, otherwise you will get yourself tied up in all sorts of knots, particularly employment law-wise.

Professional - does your company have an IT policy that precludes looking at porn? Is this guy performing satisfactorally at work, and if not, have you followed internal grievance procedures? Do you know the relevant employment law relating to dismissal of employees?

Personal - if this man is violent then you MUST seek advice (and follow it) from DV services and the police in order to keep yourself safe.

Reading back over this thread, it seems to me that in both spheres, you have problems with enforcing boundaries with this man. I think there are some sticky posts that might help on that score. Also, check out the ones on abuse and leaving an abuser.

You know this man is not good for you in all sorts of ways. Perhaps finding another job might take you out of the immediate drama and help you see the wood for the trees. I know that I found it very difficult to focus on my own recovery when I still had to have contact with my ex. It became so much easier when I made the decision to move on and cut all ties.

One word of warning about checking his phone - it may backfire on you legally, depending on privacy laws where you are and it also keeps you kright in the middle of the drama. You know what he is like - why do you need more evidence?

Hope you keep coming back. I know you don't like what everyone has to say - I know I didn't like to hear the stuff that ultimately turned out to be the most valuable.