We Teach People How to Treat Us
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
We Teach People How to Treat Us
We Teach People How to Treat Us
If you ever wonder why people treat you the way they do, see Life Law #3: People Do What Works. They do what they do because you have taught them, based on results, which behavior gets a payoff and which ones don’t. If they get what they want, they keep that behavior in their repertoire. If they don’t get the desired result, they drop that behavior and acquire a new one. Understand that here, as in all areas of your life, results, not intentions, influence the people with whom you interact. You may complain or cry or threaten to give them negative results, but if the bottom line is that you reward the behavior by providing a response that the other person values, then the person decides, “Hey, this works. I now know how to get what I want.”
If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, you’re going to want to figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit, or allow that treatment. If you’re involved in a relationship in which someone is constantly abusive, exploitative, or insensitive to you, find out what you’re doing to encourage that behavior, so that you can realign the relationship in a more healthy direction…..
……Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.
By requiring more from yourself and from your partner, you are, in essence, “changing the deal”. And make no mistake: Those with whom you are currently in relationships won’t like it. They will resist your changing the status quo. You taught them the rules, you’ve been rewarding their conduct, and they, like you, have gotten comfortable with the deal. If the price of poker is about to go up, it’s only fair that you warn them about the changes before you begin to respond to their behavior in a different way. If you have taught someone to go on green and stop on red, but not change the rules, he or she is entitled to know about the change.
When I say your partner will resist change in general, and in particular any change that requires more of him or her, do not underestimate the vigor of that resistance. The resistance may range from allegations that “you just don’t care any more”, all the way to emotional extortion. Emotional extortion may take the form of threats to leave if you don’t cave in on your new position, or may even involve agitated threats of suicide. You may well hear a speech similar to this one:
“I can’t believe you are doing this to me!....How long have you hated me?....I’ve tried to make you happy; I’ve given and given….You know how to hurt me and you are doing it…There’s someone else, isn’t there?...Those so-called friends of yours are jealous and filling your head with all this crap, can’t you see that?....What makes you so perfect?....You don’t have any room to talk; do you remember what you did last year?...I’d rather die than lose you.”
Let’s take a closer look at this speech. First of all, it is totally manipulative and self-serving: “I can’t believe you are doing this to me” is victim talk. It is full of attempts to put words in your mouth, in order to create guilt and put you on the defensive. It implies that you are being hurtful; that there is someone else; or that it’s your friends. It is also full of attacks: “You’re doing this”; “I’ve tried, but no….”; “You aren’t perfect”; “You just don’t care”. Finally, it contains the ultimate threat: “I’ll just kill myself”.
This speech may be followed by your partner’s pretending that nothing ever happened, and attempting just to resume “business as usual”; or by a flurry of short term “sweetness and light”. Your partner may also contact your friends and family members, to recruit them to dissuade you from this “craziness”. In any event, the primary thrust of this and almost any attack within a relationship will be based in guilt.
Guilt is a powerful and destructive weapon in relationships, and you must steel yourself against being manipulated by it. Guilt paralyses you and shuts you down. No progress sis made if you are whipping yourself with shame. The healthy alternative is to acknowledge problem behavior; figure out why the problem behavior happens; and make a plan for change. The universe rewards action; guilt is paralysis.
Stay the course. Do not be diverted from your resolve. If your partner threatens to leave or commit suicide, that’s a bluff you must call. If you think the threat to harm him or herself is genuine, your relationship and your partner were much more unstable than you thought. In any event, if you believe they are capable of hurting themselves, call the police or the county sheriff and let the professionals deal with it, but do not cave in. If you back off, you are teaching your partner that you can be “handled”
From “Life Strategies” by Dr Phil McGraw.
__________________
If you ever wonder why people treat you the way they do, see Life Law #3: People Do What Works. They do what they do because you have taught them, based on results, which behavior gets a payoff and which ones don’t. If they get what they want, they keep that behavior in their repertoire. If they don’t get the desired result, they drop that behavior and acquire a new one. Understand that here, as in all areas of your life, results, not intentions, influence the people with whom you interact. You may complain or cry or threaten to give them negative results, but if the bottom line is that you reward the behavior by providing a response that the other person values, then the person decides, “Hey, this works. I now know how to get what I want.”
If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, you’re going to want to figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit, or allow that treatment. If you’re involved in a relationship in which someone is constantly abusive, exploitative, or insensitive to you, find out what you’re doing to encourage that behavior, so that you can realign the relationship in a more healthy direction…..
……Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.
By requiring more from yourself and from your partner, you are, in essence, “changing the deal”. And make no mistake: Those with whom you are currently in relationships won’t like it. They will resist your changing the status quo. You taught them the rules, you’ve been rewarding their conduct, and they, like you, have gotten comfortable with the deal. If the price of poker is about to go up, it’s only fair that you warn them about the changes before you begin to respond to their behavior in a different way. If you have taught someone to go on green and stop on red, but not change the rules, he or she is entitled to know about the change.
When I say your partner will resist change in general, and in particular any change that requires more of him or her, do not underestimate the vigor of that resistance. The resistance may range from allegations that “you just don’t care any more”, all the way to emotional extortion. Emotional extortion may take the form of threats to leave if you don’t cave in on your new position, or may even involve agitated threats of suicide. You may well hear a speech similar to this one:
“I can’t believe you are doing this to me!....How long have you hated me?....I’ve tried to make you happy; I’ve given and given….You know how to hurt me and you are doing it…There’s someone else, isn’t there?...Those so-called friends of yours are jealous and filling your head with all this crap, can’t you see that?....What makes you so perfect?....You don’t have any room to talk; do you remember what you did last year?...I’d rather die than lose you.”
Let’s take a closer look at this speech. First of all, it is totally manipulative and self-serving: “I can’t believe you are doing this to me” is victim talk. It is full of attempts to put words in your mouth, in order to create guilt and put you on the defensive. It implies that you are being hurtful; that there is someone else; or that it’s your friends. It is also full of attacks: “You’re doing this”; “I’ve tried, but no….”; “You aren’t perfect”; “You just don’t care”. Finally, it contains the ultimate threat: “I’ll just kill myself”.
This speech may be followed by your partner’s pretending that nothing ever happened, and attempting just to resume “business as usual”; or by a flurry of short term “sweetness and light”. Your partner may also contact your friends and family members, to recruit them to dissuade you from this “craziness”. In any event, the primary thrust of this and almost any attack within a relationship will be based in guilt.
Guilt is a powerful and destructive weapon in relationships, and you must steel yourself against being manipulated by it. Guilt paralyses you and shuts you down. No progress sis made if you are whipping yourself with shame. The healthy alternative is to acknowledge problem behavior; figure out why the problem behavior happens; and make a plan for change. The universe rewards action; guilt is paralysis.
Stay the course. Do not be diverted from your resolve. If your partner threatens to leave or commit suicide, that’s a bluff you must call. If you think the threat to harm him or herself is genuine, your relationship and your partner were much more unstable than you thought. In any event, if you believe they are capable of hurting themselves, call the police or the county sheriff and let the professionals deal with it, but do not cave in. If you back off, you are teaching your partner that you can be “handled”
From “Life Strategies” by Dr Phil McGraw.
__________________
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 108
When I first moved in with my girlfriend she had an awful relationship with her teenage daughter (who we later discovered was an addict). She would often yell and threaten things, but back down when it came to actual consequences. I counseled her to yell less, but be more firm on consequences. I asked her to tell her daughter she loved her and was proud of things like her good grades, and she did.
We didn't know that she was a heroin addict at the time. Things improved some I guess. But I do think that when she did come out to us about her addiction it was easier to handle because her relationship with her mom was better.
We didn't know that she was a heroin addict at the time. Things improved some I guess. But I do think that when she did come out to us about her addiction it was easier to handle because her relationship with her mom was better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Thanks Done. Good post. Today I realized that if I want Chris to work his program and succeed~~I have to work mine and stick to the bountries. If I goof up it gives him every chance to fail also. Oh~~all this is so confusing but it's starting to sink in. Smiles, Bonnie
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Thanks as usual for a great post. I remember in my earlier days, I would complain that my daughter did this to me or that to me. My therapist quickly told me that I allowed her to do this and that to me. lol
I was a tough but great lesson to learn.
Thanks again for the post.
I was a tough but great lesson to learn.
Thanks again for the post.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Guilt is a powerful and destructive weapon in relationships, and you must steel yourself against being manipulated by it. Guilt paralyses you and shuts you down. No progress sis made if you are whipping yourself with shame. The healthy alternative is to acknowledge problem behavior; figure out why the problem behavior happens; and make a plan for change. The universe rewards action; guilt is paralysis.
I needed to read this today, thanks!
I needed to read this today, thanks!
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Elana this wasn't written for relationships with an addict. It's a book on the Top Sellers List. Just a book for everyone and anyone who wants to read. Has nothing to do with anyone in particular.
I just thought posted it because it's always something that has helped me.
I just thought posted it because it's always something that has helped me.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
My greatest weakness, my biggest obstacle. So thank you for this reinforcement.
When I get angry at either my husbands or my son's behavior toward me I need to look at our past practice. If i honestly take a look its like watching a movie replayed over and over again. Nothing new in their behavior and nothing new in my reaction. Unless I break the cycle.
that is my main goal in my recovery is not to react right away and instead think about my feelings, why I am feeling them and then focus on me and what I really want. And then be patient!!
Because usually I'm good at this for awhile and then I cave again.!!
When I get angry at either my husbands or my son's behavior toward me I need to look at our past practice. If i honestly take a look its like watching a movie replayed over and over again. Nothing new in their behavior and nothing new in my reaction. Unless I break the cycle.
that is my main goal in my recovery is not to react right away and instead think about my feelings, why I am feeling them and then focus on me and what I really want. And then be patient!!
Because usually I'm good at this for awhile and then I cave again.!!
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by Newcomer... 
I'm usually not a fan of Dr. Phil - but that is a great statement. Thank you for that.
lol, Yea a lot of people aren't, but he says some good stuff sometimes.
He's just got a "big" bald head.
This book he wrote, I really like.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
Bump.
I don't usually care for Dr Phil, but occasionally he does have some good things to say. I think this is very powerful. I was having a discussion today with a coworker about a situation with her husband and his daughter from a previous relationship who is a pro at "emotional extortion" and this was the first thing that came to my mind.
I don't usually care for Dr Phil, but occasionally he does have some good things to say. I think this is very powerful. I was having a discussion today with a coworker about a situation with her husband and his daughter from a previous relationship who is a pro at "emotional extortion" and this was the first thing that came to my mind.
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