Just needing to vent
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
Just needing to vent
Well finally some good has happened. My AB is out on his own, hasnt asked my parents for money in oer a week. He has found a place to live (with the help of social assistance) and he said he is 6 days clean. Great steps after 7 years of hard addiction.
My parents are doing well too. They can finally breathe again. They have their home back. They have finally let him take responsibility for his life. One side of the family is finally doing ok, so of course thats when the other side falls apart.
My hubbies mom is dead set on sending her AD (or really, having us send her) to live with an uncle (who offered to take her). But all the pressure seems to be coming down on me. I get phone calls where my MIL gives ME lists of phone numbers where she might be, and she wants me to call. She wants ME to send her poems that she wrote for her AD. She wants ME to keep in touch with the police incase someone finds her. She wants ME to get everything straightened out.
But I just cant take it. MIL called last night, long after we were in bed, and talked for almost an hour. Sure I let her, But I feel like I have no choice. MIL is an alcoholic, and she smokes about 10 joints a day, so I guess a pot addictas well. SHE was the one who kicked hr AD duaghter out at 14 years old. And then she wouldnt have anything to do with her. When AD had her first baby (she was not an addict then) MIL was in the hospital that same day. She knew AD was there having the baby, and she said that that wasnt her daughter, and she would never have anything to do with that little sluts spawn. Who could say such a thing?
I always have believed that people CHOOSE to use or not. They have to be responsible for the choices they make. But for poor SIL, she has had a life so hard, I am not suprised inthe least that this is what has happened to her life. She had no one as a child (my hubby and her other sister had gone to live with their dad 1000 kms away). She turned to older friends, mostly men, who were into drugs. She tried them, she got hooked, she had no money, she slept with them for drugs. The tragic story. One of them was HIV positive. So far, SIL tests have been negative.
But now, after 8 years of not being there for her daughter, or living 2 blocks away and not ever visiting her grandchildren, of calling her every horrible name that you could possily imagine, she is now #1 mom who has to save her daughter. It makes me want to puke. I have so much resentment towards her, and it puts me in a very dark place.
Of course, this is all so hard on my hubby as well, and puts a strain on our relationship, as not I have such a negative view of his mom. He loves her, of course, its his mom. And I don't talk down about her in front of him, as I know how much it would hurt him.
I just want a chance for us to live our lives for once, to ot have everyone elses addictions forced onto us. I know we can choose to not let itget to us, but as you all know, its not that easy.
I just hope that someday we will see an end.
My parents are doing well too. They can finally breathe again. They have their home back. They have finally let him take responsibility for his life. One side of the family is finally doing ok, so of course thats when the other side falls apart.
My hubbies mom is dead set on sending her AD (or really, having us send her) to live with an uncle (who offered to take her). But all the pressure seems to be coming down on me. I get phone calls where my MIL gives ME lists of phone numbers where she might be, and she wants me to call. She wants ME to send her poems that she wrote for her AD. She wants ME to keep in touch with the police incase someone finds her. She wants ME to get everything straightened out.
But I just cant take it. MIL called last night, long after we were in bed, and talked for almost an hour. Sure I let her, But I feel like I have no choice. MIL is an alcoholic, and she smokes about 10 joints a day, so I guess a pot addictas well. SHE was the one who kicked hr AD duaghter out at 14 years old. And then she wouldnt have anything to do with her. When AD had her first baby (she was not an addict then) MIL was in the hospital that same day. She knew AD was there having the baby, and she said that that wasnt her daughter, and she would never have anything to do with that little sluts spawn. Who could say such a thing?
I always have believed that people CHOOSE to use or not. They have to be responsible for the choices they make. But for poor SIL, she has had a life so hard, I am not suprised inthe least that this is what has happened to her life. She had no one as a child (my hubby and her other sister had gone to live with their dad 1000 kms away). She turned to older friends, mostly men, who were into drugs. She tried them, she got hooked, she had no money, she slept with them for drugs. The tragic story. One of them was HIV positive. So far, SIL tests have been negative.
But now, after 8 years of not being there for her daughter, or living 2 blocks away and not ever visiting her grandchildren, of calling her every horrible name that you could possily imagine, she is now #1 mom who has to save her daughter. It makes me want to puke. I have so much resentment towards her, and it puts me in a very dark place.
Of course, this is all so hard on my hubby as well, and puts a strain on our relationship, as not I have such a negative view of his mom. He loves her, of course, its his mom. And I don't talk down about her in front of him, as I know how much it would hurt him.
I just want a chance for us to live our lives for once, to ot have everyone elses addictions forced onto us. I know we can choose to not let itget to us, but as you all know, its not that easy.
I just hope that someday we will see an end.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I'm sorry (((Rub)))
You've worked so hard to detach from your AB, it sounds like one more step is needed, in detaching form your MIL. It doesn't matter what your feelings are for her, this isn't personal, its necessary to allow you to live your life.
I would try to talk to your hubby and explain new boundaries. And if you can, meetings may help tremendously for the both of you.
I wish you well
(((Hugs)))
You've worked so hard to detach from your AB, it sounds like one more step is needed, in detaching form your MIL. It doesn't matter what your feelings are for her, this isn't personal, its necessary to allow you to live your life.
I would try to talk to your hubby and explain new boundaries. And if you can, meetings may help tremendously for the both of you.
I wish you well
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
I think meetings are a wonderful idea! You have so much "noise" in your life. It's impossible not to internalize it or have it effect your life and especially your marriage.
Good luck with all this. I am sure you will have some very constructive posts here very soon. Lots of hugs!
:ghug
Good luck with all this. I am sure you will have some very constructive posts here very soon. Lots of hugs!
:ghug
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
Thanks everyone. I really do need to set boundries with my MIL. I would love to even have a boundry that I don't take any evening calls from her (as that is when she is drunk and rude etc etc). But because she is so close with my hubby, I hate to put more of the burden on him. He has enough to deal with in life as well, so I still feel at a loss. What boundries could I set without making it worse for my hubby?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Originally Posted by rub 
He has enough to deal with in life as well, so I still feel at a loss. What boundries could I set without making it worse for my hubby?
I don't mean to sound as if he doesn't matter, but so do you.
What a wonderful gift you could give him to let him maintain his own relationship with his mom without worrying that mom is upsetting you.
There's a good chance the both of you are upset that the both of you are upset...and round and round it goes.
Afterall...don't you have enough to deal with also?
Take care of yourself Rub, the rest may fall into place.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i agree with cece. talk to your husband & let him handle your m.i.l. sounds to me as if she still has an alcohol, drug problem herself. it is sad & i am going to pray for you & the family.hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
Thanks
The problem is that he is never around when she calls, or he is in bed by then. He works 60+ hours a week, running a business. But I will try to find ways for him to deal with her, or should I say, I will just hand the phone over when she calls from now on...
The problem is that he is never around when she calls, or he is in bed by then. He works 60+ hours a week, running a business. But I will try to find ways for him to deal with her, or should I say, I will just hand the phone over when she calls from now on...
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