dad's angel

My dad gets his sentencing next month. My family wants me to go to it, #1 so that his new g.f. can see his family is supportful. #2 so that he knows were there.

He knows. How can he not? I drove him to work, last year after his 2nd owi, for a year. And got an atty for him, amoungst all the shxt I've done now.

I havent answered my fathers calls in a while, they only make me more upset, and so do his messages. I actually asked an uncle to ask his brother (my father) to not call me. I have nothing to say, and am not ready emotionally or mentally to deal w/him.

But I often day dream, and when i'm out wonder, what would I say? What would I do? Where would my arms be? I would have to not cry? I shouldnt cry. What do I say to him?

He'll make up excuses for what he's done,as always, only this time, i'm done. I would appreciate a sincere apologize, and acknowledgment that he was not a good father, that he realizes how much he has hurt me and his family. A thank you for all that I have done to take care of my mother and move her in, and all the things out of their home, before a sherrifs sale, for obtaining status on the home to sell it and pay off the property taxes that he owes and the mortgs that went into default, while he was w/his g.f. and drinking. But most of all I want him to cry. I want him to feel some pain, for the pain he has caused me, I want him to tell me that he knows he has hurt me and he is hurting cuz of the extent of my hurt.

He'll never say that. But what do I do? say? when that moment arrives?

1_day@_a_time

Dad's Angel, read "Letting Go", which I just posted. Also, read the responses you will get to your posts, and read what others are/ have done.

Daria

Dad's Angel - I hear you. Our circumstances are different , in some ways,
but I don't talk to my Dad either - for a long time - because of the wreckage he caused our family. He should have just dropped a nuclear bomb on us - it would have been less painful.

I hear that you are angry and disappointed, and confused about how you should feel. I know those feelings well. I also daydream about things I would like to say to him, and wonder what he feels about what he did to our lives too. How part
of me want to hurt him back just as hard ...

Most of all, I hear you being really sad about the kind of Dad you wished for, but didn't exist. I know that one well also.
I don't know the answer either.
I want him to be sorry and cry too. Maybe they do - and we just don't know it.
Do what your heart tells you. You gave him a great example of someone being there for him - even it he couldn't do the same for you. My heart goes out to
you , because I know how deep this saddness can be.

I am holding the space for you ! Love and Blessings, Daria

dad's angel

there was something strange that my dad asked me when i saw him a few months back, and begged him to come home and stop drinking.

he asked me when did i start caring? I had no answer, I asked him when did he stop?

1_day@_a_time

I hear ya'.............consider this. It has ONLY to do about how YOU feel, not about how anybody else feels. You can't change them, BUT YOU CAN CHANGE YOURSELF, and how you view/ process life and/or others. This has been tough for me to understand, I must admit. It has taken time. I have finally been willing to do the work, on myself............because the pain was too great, the price to high.

JT

The first thing a codependent wants to do is fix it and that is the absolute wrong thing to do. Any person will not stop their destructive behavior untill the consequences of their actions are too painful. Logic tells me, if that is true then the best thing to do is nothing.

If you don't want to talk to him then don't. My father has been in AA for 28 years...he sent and amends letter to my mother (they are divorced) but has never said one thing to me about my childhood. Does he not see it?? Probably not if he has not acknowledged it by now.

For the most part if a memory or a wish or a thought causes me great pain then I try not to go there. I will read a book, go for a walk...anything to get my mind elsewhere. And most of the time I am successful.

Hugs,
JT

elizabeth28

My situation is similar to yours except that my mom divorced my dad 20 years ago as a result of all the behaviors that were caused by his alcoholism.

Now my dad has (finally) checked himself into Betty Ford and I am to go visit him this weekend. I have not answered the phone the 2 times he has called me since he has been there and instead have sent him letters and care packages.

I daydream that maybe he will apoligise to me this weekend when I see him. He has already begun apologising to my brother. But in my imaginings of my reaction to such an apology, I am terrified. I think b/c responding to an apology will require too much emotional vulnerability on my part after years of steeling myself to any hurt he may throw my way.

So I understand about wondering what your reaction would be to your dad if he wever were to apoligize.

I have hoped for this for years but now that it has possibly arrived I am afraid...

dad's angel

good luck to you. I hope he does apologize to you, and that you can forgive him, for yourself, for your life. I have started reading soo many books, and just flying through them. Its really easy to read when you totally understand or can relate to the book. It's my own therapy, i wont go to public w/this. But it does help. hey, I keep reminding myself. I'm me, my dad isn't me. It's too bad he didnt realize what a wonderful daughter he has.