AHs mother coming, do I talk to her????
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Join Date: Jan 2008
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AHs mother coming, do I talk to her????
Just wondering how all of you cope with inlaws. AH mother is wonderful! Knows AH has a problem and says she's not going to enable any longer. She lives far away and comes to help with our twin sons (2 yrs) 1 with diabetes. She is always supportive of me and the 2 boys and my 2 girls. We have parenting issues as well as A related issues. Do I let her know about his last episode when he called my 14 yr old while drinking, or am I just tattling?
It's not getting better and I wouldn't be surprised if a separation is on it's way. He has refused to leave our house in the past. He said he's not leaving, and I have refused to leave as well. I'm at the point where I'll leave him in the 3000 sq ft house alone and take the 4 kids with me.
Any suggestions?
Thanks
It's not getting better and I wouldn't be surprised if a separation is on it's way. He has refused to leave our house in the past. He said he's not leaving, and I have refused to leave as well. I'm at the point where I'll leave him in the 3000 sq ft house alone and take the 4 kids with me.
Any suggestions?
Thanks
I would tell. I know that I hid as much as I could from family and friends because I was embarrassed and ashamed, but also because I was trying to protect my husband. What I now realize is that I should have told to help myself, instead of worrying about him. I found that many already knew and were just waiting for me to acknowledge the truth. We can all use the support from others, particularly if they love us. Your MIL sounds like a sweetie, and might be a great support system for you. And she probably already knows.
That is a tough call
I understand what Peaceteach is saying... about doing for you
How close is your relationship with MIL? I might tell if she asks how things are going? If she opend the door KWIM?
But I am way further back in my recovery than you.....my AH's family doesn't know
Also you sound just like me about leaving.....It's like they know how hard it would be for us to take the kids out of the only home they've ever known....and yet they won't leave
I understand what Peaceteach is saying... about doing for you
How close is your relationship with MIL? I might tell if she asks how things are going? If she opend the door KWIM?
But I am way further back in my recovery than you.....my AH's family doesn't know
Also you sound just like me about leaving.....It's like they know how hard it would be for us to take the kids out of the only home they've ever known....and yet they won't leave
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Call me a snitch. I told my mother-in-law everything. She was the very last person to know what was really going on. He hid it from her, and I bottled it up inside. Once I came clean, I never felt so free. She turned out to be one of my best allies.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I wouldn't go out of my way to tell her but if the subject came up naturally in a converstaion, sure. There is not reason for you to hide what you and the kids are going thru. And perhaps she can be a good support for you.
As a mom, I think I would rather know what my kid was doing...but then, that is just me. I used to hide all the bad stuff about AH's drinking, and that only made matters worse for me with his family later on. But, when I did open up and talk to a few of the supportive ones, I found them to be caring and supportive of both he and I. Good luck with the visit. She may see some things all on her own now that she is alittle clued in.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
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Hard to say,although she sounds very supportive to you.
I mentioned it to my FIL (MIL died a few years earlier) about AH's increased drinking and his temper/moodiness,etc.. He a retired M.D. Sadly,he had his own "issues" with drinking/addictions and comes from a long line of A's. He did not turn out to be helpful;actually just the opposite. At the time,I guess I did not think anyone would ever do that...haha. I've learned a lot more about the family disease of alcoholism since then.
I mention this just to say: try not to have any expectations if/when you share this information.
I mentioned it to my FIL (MIL died a few years earlier) about AH's increased drinking and his temper/moodiness,etc.. He a retired M.D. Sadly,he had his own "issues" with drinking/addictions and comes from a long line of A's. He did not turn out to be helpful;actually just the opposite. At the time,I guess I did not think anyone would ever do that...haha. I've learned a lot more about the family disease of alcoholism since then.
I mention this just to say: try not to have any expectations if/when you share this information.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
I met my ABF's mother for the first time this past fall...she came to stay with us for 2 weeks. I had talked to her on the phone several times before but we live quite a distance from each other. Anyways - she pretty much knew that ABF drank like a fish and yeah we talked about it and yeah I told her some stuff that had went on with us. I did feel better after talking with her and she even talked to BF about his drinking/behaviour but it did NO good. None.
Like I said - I did feel better b/c I had kept some stuff from her, I guess more or less to "protect" my bf - but than I thought "why should I hide stuff about him" - so if the conversation came up - than yeah I spilled the beans.
I guess the only thing it did get me - was more understanding from her about what I put up with and that if I end up kicking her son to the curb - she knows the reasons why now.
ABF didn't like that I had shared some of this stuff with his mom...but frankly by this point - I could care less.
Like I said - I did feel better b/c I had kept some stuff from her, I guess more or less to "protect" my bf - but than I thought "why should I hide stuff about him" - so if the conversation came up - than yeah I spilled the beans.
I guess the only thing it did get me - was more understanding from her about what I put up with and that if I end up kicking her son to the curb - she knows the reasons why now.
ABF didn't like that I had shared some of this stuff with his mom...but frankly by this point - I could care less.
Tough question. Toward the end of my relationship with my XABF, I did contact his mother via email. It was my only link as he was pretty closed-mouth about his mother. We talked on the phone and it was one of the most difficult conversations I've ever had. I expressed my concerns about his health, and she responded in "yes" "no" answers until she said "I think he's trying to commit suicide." From what people have said, and his pattern of dating "mommy dearest" type women, I think there are mom issues there, but who knows?
From my experience with R's mom and my XH, while I was with their sons they were supportive, but be prepared for the possibility of it changing if you separate. The two women I knew changed abruptly when I was no longer their sons' wife or girlfriend. Not saying it will happen, but be aware of the possibility. It seemed like the moms switched into "protect the cub" mode, even though the cubs had really done some rotten things.
(((hugs to you)))
From my experience with R's mom and my XH, while I was with their sons they were supportive, but be prepared for the possibility of it changing if you separate. The two women I knew changed abruptly when I was no longer their sons' wife or girlfriend. Not saying it will happen, but be aware of the possibility. It seemed like the moms switched into "protect the cub" mode, even though the cubs had really done some rotten things.
(((hugs to you)))
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
I'm with Claudia on this one,my AH's Mom is pretty ignorant when it comes to addiction. It was easier to blame me for the problems even after all the unspeakable things he did to me and the kids. This is their child and it may be too painful to see there is seriously something wrong with them. I found out his sister was talking to me pretending to be on my side and I trusted her. She was just gathering info to use against me. Please be careful who you trust.
My MIL knows exactly what I am going through since she went through it, only much worse, with my FIL. They are still together and he is no longer drinking but is a poster boy for white-knuckling. Still very controlling.
MIL and I used to talk all the time about what was happening but since I tossed AH out we have only spoken a couple of times and have not even broached the subject of him!! Very typical for the whole family, dancing around the core of the problem. But I am happy I told her in the beginning. It helped to hear the history of what went on between the two of them and to realize that might be my future as well.
As a mom, I would want to know.
MIL and I used to talk all the time about what was happening but since I tossed AH out we have only spoken a couple of times and have not even broached the subject of him!! Very typical for the whole family, dancing around the core of the problem. But I am happy I told her in the beginning. It helped to hear the history of what went on between the two of them and to realize that might be my future as well.
As a mom, I would want to know.
Aweda raises good points ...
"This is their child and it may be too painful to see there is seriously something wrong with them." One of R's friends told me "They (R's mom and stepfather) aren't going to do anything. They live in their own little world and don't want to face reality." Unfortunately I think he hit the nail on the head. His mom told me "We try to visit him Christmas and Easter, but we missed this past Easter." Maybe it was too painful, maybe too real, maybe like her son she has trouble displaying genuine emotion. Who can blame her? He's a clone of her ex-husband (R's dad) and no doubt she detached long ago to save herself.
"Please be careful who you trust." Definitely. I likened R's friends to a bunch of cutthroat pirates living in a marina. Aweda's AH's family sounds very very familiar, unfortunately.
"This is their child and it may be too painful to see there is seriously something wrong with them." One of R's friends told me "They (R's mom and stepfather) aren't going to do anything. They live in their own little world and don't want to face reality." Unfortunately I think he hit the nail on the head. His mom told me "We try to visit him Christmas and Easter, but we missed this past Easter." Maybe it was too painful, maybe too real, maybe like her son she has trouble displaying genuine emotion. Who can blame her? He's a clone of her ex-husband (R's dad) and no doubt she detached long ago to save herself.
"Please be careful who you trust." Definitely. I likened R's friends to a bunch of cutthroat pirates living in a marina. Aweda's AH's family sounds very very familiar, unfortunately.
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