Shudi_85

I am new here and quite honestly I don't know what to do right now. So I will give you some background and see if anybody has some advice.
Me and my bf currently have been together for 2.5 years. We used to both drink heavely, a 1.75ml bottle of BV would last two nights maybe between the two of us. I have many alcholics in my family and I have already been to rehab for a past drug addiction that I have been sober from for 4 years now. I knew that i was drinking too much and so I tried talking to my bf about our drinking about 1.5 year ago. I have pretty much stoped drinking except for the occational glass of wine with a nice dinner. My ex on the other hand will admit that he has a drinking problem but he won't do anything about it. He will slow it down to around 5 shots instead of half a bottle for a few days then will start drinking a half bottle again. When he is at that point he will start drinking at 11am and he says it's just to help him relax.

About 6 months after the first discussion about drinking he had gotten really drunk the night before and I tried bringing it up again offering help - AA, rehab, any support he needs, and his family is offering too. He looked really sad like he was going to cry so I went to give him a hug and he pushed me to the ground and started kicking me. I got really scared that night and I left for 3 days. I came back to the apt we lived in and he said he was sorry he had dumped out all the alcohol said that he wasn't going to drink. Within a week he was drinking again.

There have been many fights, there have been concusions from being hit, pushed, shoved, kicked, he tried to choke me a few times, things have been thrown, furniture ruined, many nights of me staying up with him being sick from drinking too much, he accuses me of cheating when I leave for a night because he is beign so beligerant that I fear to be in the same apt as him.

The problem is a KNOW he can be a good man, I know he can!
He has a good heart, I KNow he can't help his drinking and I love him so incredably much and I just want to see him get better and amek something of himself in life.

But i am tired of the crying and the bruises and everthing else.

Do i stay for love and support or do i leave?

I don't know what to do anymore.

~Really Confused & Needing Help~

LaTeeDa

What would you do if you had to accept that he is who he is NOW? What if you had to accept that he may never live up to his potential, and may never become the "good man" you know he can be?

L

P.S. Welcome to SR. This is a great place to be.

geees poncho

Welcome shudi, There are some stickies at the top of the page check em out.
sorry to hear about your predicament, and I don't think you are in a very safe inviroment, you should have in place a safe refuge to retreat to when he gets violent.
That said, If it were my problem I guess I would have to leave until he got some help
with his problem. Obviosly staying is NOT working, If you could, ask him to attend AA with you. It sounds like both of you need some help

Good Luck, and God Bless

Shudi_85

I honestly don't think that i would be with him if I met him with how he is today. I know what he used to be like and that is the man that I wish I could help come back. I miss him a lot.

the other part is that he is not working right now due to an injury that he got while drinking. (He tore a tenden in his knee during a fight with somebody else) and he might have to have surgery on this so if i were to leave him he would have nothing.

hbb

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

There is no excuse for abuse regardless if he's drunk OR sober in my opinion. I don't think that sort of abuse just goes away and ends. Like LaTeeDa said, what if this is him. I wouldn't want to live like that the rest of my life, in fear. If I weren't married or had children with this abusive person, i would seriously rethink my relationship and run. Like mentioned, read the stickies and please take care of yourself. Al Anon was where i started when i was going through my hard time.

queenteree

When I was first w/my AH (before marriage) we used to drink together also. Then I stopped, not because it became a problem for me, but because I also come from a family of alcoholics and didn't want to wind up that way. I finally left him after about 3 years cause I didn't want to subject me or my 3 kids to it. He went to rehab where he worked a program, did what he needed to do, remained sober and was a wonderful, loving, gentle husband and father for over 14 years. 14 very good years of a very good homelife and marriage. My absolute dream come true! Then relapse! My AH drinks like your ex, problem is they don't think they're an alcoholic cause "they can control it." My AH also after a certain point will drink from morning till well into the night.

[QUOTE=Shudi_85;1640589There have been many fights, there have been concusions from being hit, pushed, shoved, kicked, he tried to choke me a few times, things have been thrown, furniture ruined, many nights of me staying up with him being sick from drinking too much, he accuses me of cheating when I leave for a night because he is beign so beligerant that I fear to be in the same apt as him.

The problem is a KNOW he can be a good man, I know he can!
He has a good heart, I KNow he can't help his drinking and I love him so incredably much and I just want to see him get better and amek something of himself in life.

But i am tired of the crying and the bruises and everthing else.

Do i stay for love and support or do i leave?

I don't know what to do anymore.~[/QUOTE]

Back in the earlier days before marriage, that was one reason I left, he was violent at times during his blackouts. I may have loved him, but I had to love myself more, so I left, never to return. But he made good on all his promises after rehab, made his amends, and like I said, was a wonderful "gentle" loving husband.

During the first year or so of his relapse (it's been years now), he was still wonderful. Now he has turned into the mean, jealous (accuses me of cheating also) person he used to be, and I know it can only get worse if I continue on this path. I have been with him over 23 years, and I love him dearly too. We were best friends, lovers, soulmates, etc. and have alot invested in our marriage. It's been a hard decision to leave him (and I still haven't due to timing and financial planning). What helped me was making a list of the pros and cons of staying with him, and the only thing I can come up with on the "pros" side is that I love him and know the man he "could" be. On the con side is everything else. So really, is that "love" or is it "fantasy"? See, that is the question. It's hard, but you'll do what's right for you.

Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

geees poncho

And what are you going to have after he beats you into a coma, or breaks your nose, or rips your hair out, or breaks your arm or leg or throws you out a window or pierces your eye with a broken bottle.
Staying with a violent drunk is NOT good. Someone IS going to get seriously HURT.
I LOVE LIGHTNING, THAT DON'T MEAN I'M GONNA HANG OUT IN THE SAME FIELD

YOU CAN LOVE FROM A SAFE DISTANCE

queenteree

And who's fault is that? Certainly not yours. If you left him and he has nothing, who is to blame? I believe people should suffer the consequences of their actions, including me. So even in my chosing to stay w/my AH at the moment, I have nobody to blame but myself. Correct?

Shudi_85

Queenteree-

I know it wouldn't be my fault but how I keep looking at it is that if I take away everything he has (which i would be doing by leaving him) then how is that going to help him with his problem? It's only going to make it worst.

Geees Poncho-

I have a safe place to go when he gets violent. Do they always say they are sorry the next time they are sober after hitting you? Is that part of Alcoholism too? I can't tell anymore if it's the alcohol and how he reacts to it that makes him so short tempered and hit me or if it's just who he has become.

hbb

That's his responsibility like Queenteree said above, it's his consequences not yours. Take care of YOU first. Nothing changes if nothing changes Make sure your safe first. NO ONE has the right to lay a finger on you, drunk or not, not okay.

geees poncho

DON'T ASK WHY!!! staying with a violent alkie is akin to
walking a tight rope, and someone is trying to knock you off.

Of course some people like to be beat up.

ARealLady

Shudi...welcome to SR. I hope you will find reading, suggestions and advice here about how you can help yourself NOW. So many here will speak to you from their experience.

My XABF never indicated that he could be physically abusive when drinking but it was enough for me to identify the glazed look of a person who was not in control of himself to make me realize he and I were not on the same page when he was drinking. I got tired too of the emotional abuse....the lies, in particular, and the empty promises. He used to go into tirades about the behaviour of other people and make threats as to how he would seek revenge. And when I began to back away, he made similar threats to me.

It was easier to leave him because there was no legal commitment to stay with him and we didn't have children or property together. I encourage you to think seriously about leaving your BF...doesn't sound, from what you say, as if there are any good reasons to stay. Oh...he MIGHT get better but if he doesn't? How much are you prepared to take and how much are you prepared to compromise your physical well-being?

ARL

queenteree

Again, trust me when I say this, I would apply it to my own self and marriage - you need to think of YOU, you are not taking away anything, his actions caused those things to be taken away (gone). But then again, some never learn (such as my AH). I have an order of protection against my AH, got it about 2 months ago. I warned him 3 nights in a row, if he continued on his present path of drinking and harassment (like you, I was leaving the house at times just to get away from him), I was going to court and filing against him. Did he stop harassing me? Absolutely not. Did he think I would go to court? Probably not. Did I go to court? Absolutely. Is that something I wanted to do? No. Was it something I had to do? Yes. In reality, who caused him to now be court mandated to treatment, to be random urine tested, to keep following up in court and when I leave, who caused the break up of our marriage? In his alcoholic mind - I caused all this. In reality - his actions brought all this about. Correct? See what I'm trying to say.

ICU

Welcome to SR Shudi.

I've been where you are and can identify with your story more than you know.

Here is a link to the abuse stickie folder where you can find some information and domestic violence hotline numbers to call.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

Might be worthwhile to call a hotline and get some information so you can formulate a safety plan to implement as needed.

It's just a fact gathering phone call!

Keep coming back.

denny57

Welcome, Shudi, glad you're here!

If you were to stay, what would YOU have?

queenteree

Very well said Anvilhead! Very powerful statement! I think everyone needs to be reminded of that once in a while.

LaTeeDa

I know it goes against everything you think about love, but where addiction is concerned, it could very well be the best thing you could do for him. Addicts only quit when the pain of staying addicted becomes greater than the pain of changing. If you continue to stay and take his abuse, you are essentially telling him that his behavior is acceptable. Therefore, he has no reason or motivation to change.

This in no way means that if you leave him he will hit bottom and get help. What it means is that if you continue to stay and put up with his behavior, the chances are very slim that he will get better and he will probably get worse.

The most important thing here is to take care of you, but if you cannot bring yourself to consider that, then please consider the possibility that leaving him with nothing could be the best thing you could do for him.

L

Barbara52

That is part of being a manipulative abuser! There is not excuse for his violence. None.

You need to ask yourself why you are allowing yourself to be abused and whether you want that to continue in your life. Only you can decide that. Why do you think so little of yourself that you put yourself in harm's way with a man you say you don't even like? You do have alternatives.

Personally I would call the cops the first time it happened and have him thrown in jail. That is what a criminal deserves. I would not stay in a situation where I risked death.

As for him being left with nothing, well, that would be because he made choices in his life that led to that consequence. Maybe it would casue him to look at his life and make a decision to change. Maybe not. But its his problem not yours to deal with.

queenteree

But please try to remember also that if you chose to leave, do not do it with the intentions of making him hit bottom, get help and change. Please understand that does not always happen as LTD says. Do so for you, and if it does happen, it's a plus. Have you tried Alanon?

Shudi_85

Thank all of you for the advice and input on my situation.
Some of the responces were really hard to read but i am really
trying to take it to heart.

I feel like i will be losing a HUGE part of me if i leave him but i know i need to.

I have brought up leaving him before, i have told him to leave before and he get violent. Starts throwing things breaking things and threatens me physically.

I don't know how to get him to leave the apartment in a safe way. I am scared to even approach the subject with him at this point. The apartment is in my name he is not on the lease. He just flat out refuses whenever in the past I have told him to move out.

Do you know anyway that i can get help with removing him from the apartment?