keepingmyjoy

Hi all, I notice so many of the new people asking about codependence. Good for all of you! As you begin your own journeys of discovery about yourselves, you will find out so much about yourselves and hopefully continue to your own recoveries.

I am discovering my own codependence causes and issues now that I have moved out. It has been an amazing and yet frightening experience. As I dig into the causes from childhood on, I see that there is no way I could NOT have turned out codependent! Just to share in brief some things I have discovered:

1. I am the adult child of 2 parents who are adult children of alcoholics and they have never addressed their issues EVER. Dad was emotionally unavailable, Mom was a weeper and nagger control freak.

2. While I was loved as a child growing up, I never was heard or supported emotionally. In fact, you might call it constructive abandonment. They were there, taking care of my physical needs, but not emotionally. (Example: I was always told "don't feel that way", or "you don't really feel that way"). I can mentally accept that they loved me the only way they knew how, I cannot emotionally accept that I felt abandoned and alone most of my life. More work to do here.

3. My parents joined a controlling religion when I was 8 yrs old. The religion told you what to think and feel. Even though it did not "set well" or "feel right", I was obligated as a child to live that life.

4. I was always expected to be the "good girl" and basically ignored--while my brother could do as he pleased and is to this day considered "the golden god".

5. I married in that religion a man who was also raised in that religion from childhood also and who was the most controlling, abusive, violent (and alcoholic) person I have ever met. And, the religion encouraged me to stay with him! I ultimately found the strength to turn my back on the religion and this EXAH to protect myself and daughter.

So, in a nutshell, I was raised to make sure everybody was happy, to never disagree, to not be selfish, do as I was told, blah blah blah.

How could I not be codependent?????? Sheesh.

I am a work in progress. But I thought I would share only some of the things I am discovering in my journey to health. While these things sound so negative, it has been very important to me to look back and learn from my past...

I heard a really great saying from a quoted unknown source: "Use your past as a springboard, not as a sofa". That is what I am trying to do. At least, I can see where my learned codependent abilities were learned from. Now, I begin the process of re-learning how to take care of me. I have started that journey already, but have so much more that needs done.

Thanks so much for letting me share. Love you guys!

Spiritual Seeker

Your progress is awesome.
To become enlightened often we have to learn a new way to live our lives.
For me the pain has been worthwhile because at least is got me to surrender to the old way and begin a life of recovery from it.
your daughter will benefit greatly from this different emotional maturity and way of thinking so that hopefully the cycle can be broken.

Daisy30

great progress!

It really makes me think about myself and about how I am raising my own children.

LostSister

I had never heard of the concept of codependence before joining this forum just before Christmas. Lots of what I have read so far rings bells for me, and I can see that it may apply to quite a few people and relationships within my family.

I'm definitely going to read as much as I can on the forum and get some of the recommended books. Not only to see how this learning could help our family in understanding and dealing with my AS but also, as Daisy 30 quite rightly pointed out, this can help us in how we raise our own children.

Let me know if you come across any good, free codep resources. I'm very interested.

LostSister

Lilyflower

(((((Keeping)))))) I think it's great, you are obviously making lots of progress. Congratulations! Keep digging up those roots, I know it is a painful process.

I am also looking into my past to enable me to grow spiritually. I am eager to heal myself and also to ensure I don't unknowingly teach my daughter, what was taught to me. She is 9yrs old and I can already see codependant traits in her. She is incredibly sensitive to others suffering at such a young age, and will try to make everyone feel better if she can. So far I have suceeded in teaching her well. Now I am trying to be a better role model for her and am 'changing my lesson plan'.

Thanks for sharing
Lily xxxxxxxxx

keepingmyjoy

Lost Sister, So glad you have joined us. I found alot of help at the local library, looking for books I saw recommended here, as well as googling codependence and there are some good sites there too.

Sometimes you can get the books used on Amazon.com for pretty cheap too. Hope that helps.

Rella927

LostSister this is great progress! Pat yourself on the back a few times!

I believe that going through the pain makes us stronger as individuals. We learn as Spritual stated new ways to live our lives in a great way that is comforting to us!

Love this:

Quote:

"Use your past as a springboard, not as a sofa"

A profound statement!

appleblaster

New = Painful. Someone once told me that if you're doing the right thing (in codependency) that its uncomfortable and painful. I am soooo feeling that right now and I want my xabf like a security blanket....a blanket minus the security and one that's full of holes. I want him like an alcoholic wants a drink!

Just when I was making progress. I'm feeling insecure about some other things and I just can't take all of the emptiness and insecurity at once. I'm justifying my reasons.....man, i'm so sick.

I need to get my head out of my a**.

Perfect example of codependence. One day at a time......sigh.