Divorcing my AH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Joliet, IL
Posts: 6
Divorcing my AH
:prayingI was only married for a little less than 3 years. When we were dating, I knew of him smoking pot and drug dealing but overlooked all that! Stup* me! Anyways, we got married. Had a beautiful expensive wedding - we traveled to Mexico with family and friends and had a big fiesta! Everything I could of ever wanted, I had it.. and now all for what? 2 months after we married, I found coke in his pocket of his jeans and that was the first time he ever hit me... I remember as if it was yesterday! I cried and cried and forgave him because he promised he'd never never do it again! Well, our relationship did not get any better... I'd continue to snoop anything that I can think ok in his pockets, I'd question him and then made me feel guilty bcz I was not respecting his privacy! Everytime we argued, he would get so out of control that he would throw things, break things, call me ugly nasty names, hit me, throw me on the couch, slap me and even gave me a black eye... all of this happened while I was PREGNANT with his child!! Unbelievably out of control! And everytime it would get worse. He was really jealous and would manipulate me any way possible. He made me loose my job that I had for 6 years. He stopped working, was always out with his friends, smoking, snorting, partying..., we had our car repoed, filed for bankruptcy, we almost lost of 4 building apartment, and all because he would not work! He refused to get a job bcz he knew he wouldn't pass the drug test. I would work and he would be out with his buddies... weekends came around and he'd get ready to go out and party, go to strip clubs, not answer my calls when I'd call him, tell me if I wasn't pregnant he'd take me with... and I would keep quiet. Until I couldn't take it anymore!
My daughter was getting older and was starting to feel the tension in the house, the fights and arguments and I wasn't doing nothing about it. I asked him to get help, to go as a couple and never wanted to, said he'd do it on his own. I went to talk to a priest, went to talk to a counselor and nothing. It got to the point where he went out during the week till morning hours, tell me he was going to work and not go, not answer my phone calls, I'd find girls numbers and messages of girls that he'd met. We got our other vehicle repoed- he had his money I had mine to make ends meet at the house by myself, he'd only give me enough for the mortgage... when I had nothing, he'd give me $20 for the week, including for diapers... I knew it all along that we would not last - unless he did the majority of the changing... I knew it was very abusive and I was honest to GOD afraid of him... he'd yell and I remember curling up in a corner hoping he would not hit me and he'd get mad at me for being so silly... how could I think he would hit me?!
Finally one day I left him, I went to live with my parents for 3 weeks and he stayed at the house having the time of his life... partying like never b4 - he'd only call me when he wanted to be sexually attached... and I wouldn't fall thru... until one day... he promised me over and over again that he would go get help and htat he would change... then I gave in... We had family coming in for our daughters baptism from CA and I moved back in. 3 days later, we argued over something so stupid and he hit me... in front of our baby! SHe was crying and crying watching him scream and be abusive to me. He puts her in her crib and closes the door behind him. Drags me across the kitchen, dining room and throws me on the couch and hard as he could - got on top of me and started to hit me and yell at me and all I could hear was my daughter screaming and crying. When he finally got off of me, I ran to get my baby and he ran behind me pulling my hair. I don't remember how I got out but I ran out of the house and across the street to our neighbors house to use their phone. I still did not have the courage to call the cops on him. I called his parents to come over. They arrived and he was gone... when he returned, he was calm and was denying most of what happened.
2 weeks later, I filed an Order of protection against him and filed for divorce... and I moved out.
Still now, we are going back and forth to court battling custody and his visitation rights - since he was DENIED visitation on the OP.
This has all been an awful experience and I would not wish anyone this life... I honestly feel that I did the right thing of leaving him altho, I have my doubts but I know in the future it will be for the best. My baby is only 2 years old and she questions her dad but I just hope one day she can understand.
My only concern is him having her for weekend visitation and bringing her around the worng people and things but GOD knows that I've tried everything to make sure she is safe and I only hope he becomes responsible enough to care for him correctly.
As for me, I live with my parents. Honestly I do not know what I would do w/out them and I question myself of why I let these things get this far but I can only tell myself that because I believe deep inside he could be a better person but he chose not to change. I am dedicating my time and effort to my baby and hope to one day be able to overcome this and move on.
It's hard and I understand many of you who have kids and want to hold on and hope that one day they change but I doubt it'll ever happen... it can but only if they want to.
Best of Luck for everyone living and that have lived thru this!!
My daughter was getting older and was starting to feel the tension in the house, the fights and arguments and I wasn't doing nothing about it. I asked him to get help, to go as a couple and never wanted to, said he'd do it on his own. I went to talk to a priest, went to talk to a counselor and nothing. It got to the point where he went out during the week till morning hours, tell me he was going to work and not go, not answer my phone calls, I'd find girls numbers and messages of girls that he'd met. We got our other vehicle repoed- he had his money I had mine to make ends meet at the house by myself, he'd only give me enough for the mortgage... when I had nothing, he'd give me $20 for the week, including for diapers... I knew it all along that we would not last - unless he did the majority of the changing... I knew it was very abusive and I was honest to GOD afraid of him... he'd yell and I remember curling up in a corner hoping he would not hit me and he'd get mad at me for being so silly... how could I think he would hit me?!
Finally one day I left him, I went to live with my parents for 3 weeks and he stayed at the house having the time of his life... partying like never b4 - he'd only call me when he wanted to be sexually attached... and I wouldn't fall thru... until one day... he promised me over and over again that he would go get help and htat he would change... then I gave in... We had family coming in for our daughters baptism from CA and I moved back in. 3 days later, we argued over something so stupid and he hit me... in front of our baby! SHe was crying and crying watching him scream and be abusive to me. He puts her in her crib and closes the door behind him. Drags me across the kitchen, dining room and throws me on the couch and hard as he could - got on top of me and started to hit me and yell at me and all I could hear was my daughter screaming and crying. When he finally got off of me, I ran to get my baby and he ran behind me pulling my hair. I don't remember how I got out but I ran out of the house and across the street to our neighbors house to use their phone. I still did not have the courage to call the cops on him. I called his parents to come over. They arrived and he was gone... when he returned, he was calm and was denying most of what happened.
2 weeks later, I filed an Order of protection against him and filed for divorce... and I moved out.
Still now, we are going back and forth to court battling custody and his visitation rights - since he was DENIED visitation on the OP.
This has all been an awful experience and I would not wish anyone this life... I honestly feel that I did the right thing of leaving him altho, I have my doubts but I know in the future it will be for the best. My baby is only 2 years old and she questions her dad but I just hope one day she can understand.
My only concern is him having her for weekend visitation and bringing her around the worng people and things but GOD knows that I've tried everything to make sure she is safe and I only hope he becomes responsible enough to care for him correctly.
As for me, I live with my parents. Honestly I do not know what I would do w/out them and I question myself of why I let these things get this far but I can only tell myself that because I believe deep inside he could be a better person but he chose not to change. I am dedicating my time and effort to my baby and hope to one day be able to overcome this and move on.
It's hard and I understand many of you who have kids and want to hold on and hope that one day they change but I doubt it'll ever happen... it can but only if they want to.
Best of Luck for everyone living and that have lived thru this!!
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Welcome to SR. I am soooo sorry for what you have been through. I can't even imagine how someone could treat someone so HORRIBLE. Sounds like you did the right thing for yourself and your child.
I know others will be along soon with great advice. Your in a good hands here, keep reading. Have you read the stickies at the top of the pages? Also Al Anon was a great start for me when my exabf (ex alcoholic boyfriend) left me.
Big hugs to you and keep posting
I know others will be along soon with great advice. Your in a good hands here, keep reading. Have you read the stickies at the top of the pages? Also Al Anon was a great start for me when my exabf (ex alcoholic boyfriend) left me.
Big hugs to you and keep posting
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 220
Don't apologize to anyone for doing what you feel you need to do. I stayed for years, hoping he would see the error of his ways, but it only got worse. It is hard to end a marriage, but it is even harder to continue it.
I have lived without him for 17 of the calmest, months of my life. No guilt, no drama, no feeling that horrendous sense of failure for not being able to "help" him. Peace. I don't know how I stayed so long....
I would strongly suggest you find the nearest Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting and start getting some face-to-face support from people who know only too well what you are going through.
Keep coming back here. This is a safe place to share your feelings and learn from others who have already walked down this path.
You have nothing to lose but your pain.
Come on and climb up in our virtual rocking chair....rock with us a while...find some comfort in knowing you are not alone.
((((((Hugs))))))
Babs
I have lived without him for 17 of the calmest, months of my life. No guilt, no drama, no feeling that horrendous sense of failure for not being able to "help" him. Peace. I don't know how I stayed so long....
I would strongly suggest you find the nearest Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting and start getting some face-to-face support from people who know only too well what you are going through.
Keep coming back here. This is a safe place to share your feelings and learn from others who have already walked down this path.
You have nothing to lose but your pain.
Come on and climb up in our virtual rocking chair....rock with us a while...find some comfort in knowing you are not alone.
((((((Hugs))))))
Babs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Joliet, IL
Posts: 6
Thanks for the advice...it's a nice feeling when I read good advice.
I just wish to be able to overcome all these feelings of madness, hate and hurt feelings toward him for alot of things that he did and said to me. I can't understand all tho he made me go thru a lot of B***** I still find myself missing him, even calling him private, just to hear that he's alive... but I don;t get anything out of it -I only remember myself of back when we were still together, I'd be calling him in the middle of the night questioning when he's coming home.
I hope that everythin turns out as it should be and as GOD thinks its best. I really hope that I could get sole custody for our child but it'll be a long and hard battle to get there.
Thanks and take care
I just wish to be able to overcome all these feelings of madness, hate and hurt feelings toward him for alot of things that he did and said to me. I can't understand all tho he made me go thru a lot of B***** I still find myself missing him, even calling him private, just to hear that he's alive... but I don;t get anything out of it -I only remember myself of back when we were still together, I'd be calling him in the middle of the night questioning when he's coming home.
I hope that everythin turns out as it should be and as GOD thinks its best. I really hope that I could get sole custody for our child but it'll be a long and hard battle to get there.
Thanks and take care
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi SS~~~~If the courts realize this man is on drugs believe me~~he will have supervised visits with your child. At least in NY they don't fool around with this at all. I'm sorry you have gone through so much heartache in your life but heres to happier paths. Just stay strong and get some therapy for yourself and get to some Alanon meetings. They will help make you stronger. Hugs and smiles, Bonnie
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 220
What you hate is the drug and the behavior it causes. What you still love and miss is the man inside. Separating the two is the key to moving along on your own recovery journey.
You can, in fact, love the addict while hating the addiction. That's exactly what keeps so many of us tethered to sick situations for so long.
Meetings would help you tremendously with the whole resentment, forgiveness, acceptance path. You don't have to do it alone. In fact, when you hear the stories others tell, it puts your own situation in perspective.
Keep coming back, my friend. We will all be here for you.
MWAH
Babs
You can, in fact, love the addict while hating the addiction. That's exactly what keeps so many of us tethered to sick situations for so long.
Meetings would help you tremendously with the whole resentment, forgiveness, acceptance path. You don't have to do it alone. In fact, when you hear the stories others tell, it puts your own situation in perspective.
Keep coming back, my friend. We will all be here for you.
MWAH
Babs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you get sole custody too. I couldn't imagine letting my child go stay with someone who is using coke. That would be bad bad bad. Last time my son saw his father he was so exhausted and hung over because he had been using coke (he smokes it) for days. We went to a pizza place and he slumped down face first into his salad. I am so glad I insisted on supervising their visit to the park. He couldn't stay awake. How could he watch a two year old! Fight the good fight, slowly surviving. This too shall pass...
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Joliet, IL
Posts: 6
I just hope
I wish as far as supervised visitation that I can get it for ever but according to my attorney, eventually he will get to see her unsupervised! I think it's ridiculous and does not make sense but that's how our court system is out here. I have to put up a great battle for him to get tired and eventually give up but I'm afraid that he won't give up too soon.
I asked my attorney to push his buttons and ask for sole custody with supervised visitation and if he did not want to give it to me then we'd ask the judge to order him a drug and alcohol evaluation. I just hope that he gives up... this is so stressful.
Deep inside I know that he will not try to make things better, I think that instead he will just give me a hard time about things. Not for the best at least. Now, I just feel like he's putting a fight to just put one up - yes, I know he loves and cares for her but in the time that we were living together he was not around all the time for her and it's like now... you're trying to show otherwise? His parents have a lot to do with him putting up a fight, I never had anything against them or them against me, but now that I FILED for a divorce, all of a sudden I'm the bad person. They don't see that their son is the one that caused all this mess...
Anyways, sorry I had to vent. Take Care. And keep on sending me hugs... I appreciate them! :ghug2
I asked my attorney to push his buttons and ask for sole custody with supervised visitation and if he did not want to give it to me then we'd ask the judge to order him a drug and alcohol evaluation. I just hope that he gives up... this is so stressful.
Deep inside I know that he will not try to make things better, I think that instead he will just give me a hard time about things. Not for the best at least. Now, I just feel like he's putting a fight to just put one up - yes, I know he loves and cares for her but in the time that we were living together he was not around all the time for her and it's like now... you're trying to show otherwise? His parents have a lot to do with him putting up a fight, I never had anything against them or them against me, but now that I FILED for a divorce, all of a sudden I'm the bad person. They don't see that their son is the one that caused all this mess...
Anyways, sorry I had to vent. Take Care. And keep on sending me hugs... I appreciate them! :ghug2
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
slowly,
your post is inspiring. it takes such inner resolve to free oneself from that kind of abuse, because there is so little self-esteem left. what you went through is similar to what prisoners-of-war go through. and you made it out. i am moved. keep getting better.
your child: many on this site are probably people who were exposed to addict parents when they were little. i was. my mother left my addict father when i was 4 and to this day i thank her for it. i mean this: that act of bravery by her saved my life. an addict doesn't have to hit a child to abuse. all it takes is the slew of venom that spews from his mouth toward her. and just ONCE can change her forever.
if there is any way at all in the future you can live in another state, please run. put yourself between the addict and the child as if the addict was a wild animal. because he is. you are her only protection.
keep going, slowly. you are heroic.
your post is inspiring. it takes such inner resolve to free oneself from that kind of abuse, because there is so little self-esteem left. what you went through is similar to what prisoners-of-war go through. and you made it out. i am moved. keep getting better.
your child: many on this site are probably people who were exposed to addict parents when they were little. i was. my mother left my addict father when i was 4 and to this day i thank her for it. i mean this: that act of bravery by her saved my life. an addict doesn't have to hit a child to abuse. all it takes is the slew of venom that spews from his mouth toward her. and just ONCE can change her forever.
if there is any way at all in the future you can live in another state, please run. put yourself between the addict and the child as if the addict was a wild animal. because he is. you are her only protection.
keep going, slowly. you are heroic.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Joliet, IL
Posts: 6
I can't believe this.
I am so upset!! It's true atty's are just in it for the money! I rec'd a letter from my atty that in order for me to get sole custody w/ supervised visitation that I have to fork up almost $8,000 before Feb. 28 becasue we are going to trial!! Hello, I am a single mother... I am working but do not make $1,000 a week to take home... I am not getting any type of child support from him... how the heck am I supposed to afford this. I was even thinking about talking to a public defender and see what they can do for me but I do not want to run the risk of me loosing, which I doubt but he's paying his attorney and I'm not... u know? I just wish he would give up but I doubt it! Any advice.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
oh slowly. I'm so sorry. I know how tough it is financially when you are a single mom without help from the father. Just dealing with the things you need to deal with to survive is tough, much less lawyers etc. I don't have any advice for you, but I am sure someone here does. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
((((hugs)))) I wish I had some practical, useful advice for you... I hope someone who has had experience is here and can help you with that. In the meantime I am sending prayers and hugs to you and your daughter and that the answers you need will be coming your way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to s.r. you have done the right thing by leaving him. nobody deserves that kind of treatment. keep yourself & your daughter safe. i would not worry to much about him having her alone. usually they get to the point where they do not want them. they are to busy getting high & do not have the time for them. keep taking care of yourself & keep coming back.hugs & prayers,
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Joliet, IL
Posts: 6
Hi everyone - I'm sorry I have not posted in quite a while but I've had so much going on... our divroce is still not finalized. He will not sign for the life of me and I am getting very inpatient. Yesterday we had court, I had to fire my attorney after talkign to another one and telling me that was too much money that I have been paying him - the case should have been over by then especially because he's got a criminal record. He of course did not show up for court because he's got a $50,000 warrant out for him... yes, he continues to screw himself over! So, we'll see what happens. I am in the process of hiring another attorney to waste more money on this! I just want this to stop.
Yet, he still tells me that he is holding on and that he is changing when I have heard of him sleeping around with other girls and having the life of his time... what a jerk!
Yet, he still tells me that he is holding on and that he is changing when I have heard of him sleeping around with other girls and having the life of his time... what a jerk!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I am heading down the same path I think. I just signed papers and filled out my disclosure docs and it will be his turn next, and I think he won't. It's going to be a struggle, it shouldn't be, but I'm preparing for it. Good luck to you with all this and hope you get it finalized soon!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 64
I just read your entire post. Thanks for sharing your story. I don't have advice, because I am here for the advice myself. I just wated to say that feel for you. I am in a similar situation to what you were. We have a 4-month old. My AB has never hit me (yet), but I am afraid of him. He yells and smashes things. He was yelling the other night and even at 4 months, it is upsetting to the baby. I try to smile and coo to reassure him that everything is ok, but you can see the concerned look on his little face. Hopefully, I will have the courage to follow your lead soon! And, one of my worst fears is that the baby would have to go stay with the ab unsupervised for a weekend or something. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Thanks for posting an update! Sending you encouragement and strength. :-) I have been experiencing the same frustration with attorneys. ERGHH! It takes a lot of determination to deal with them.
(I think this icon looks like someone punching and kicking the cr@p out of some "jerk" and it made me think of your sitation.)
(I think this icon looks like someone punching and kicking the cr@p out of some "jerk" and it made me think of your sitation.)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Thank you. I am trying very hard to leave a marriage of 23 years. All 23 of those years have included sometime of active addiction. my Ah is supposedly not using at this time, but I know it's just a matter of time. Too much has transpired to just let it go and stay with him, but I am finding it incredibly difficult to allow myself to end the marriage. Not sure why. Need support big time.
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