crocodile

My AH checked into rehab last Thursday for a 28 day program at Sacred Heart. I'm very proud of him for taking this step, but I am also very causes about being optimistic. I still kinda feel like he is screwing me over, I have 3 small children at home that are now completely my responsibility. I feel like he went to get "fixed", but now how do I get "fixed". He's the one who caused years of hell for us and now is eveything supposed to be o.k. Is everything going to be about him and his problem still, because I'm pretty sick of everything being about his problem all the time. I have very conflicting emotions lately.

Anyways my biggest question is how do I treat him when he gets home? If I'm mad at him do I yell at him or do I try to keep the peace? Do I assume he will pick up his responsibility with the kids right away or let him take it easy for a while? Do I talk about stressful things with him or not? I haven't been allowed to see him yet, not until this Sunday, so I don't know too much of what is going on yet.

Thanks in advance for any advice that anyone has to offer me.

geees poncho

I would think that it would be best to bring up the heavy and tough subjects while he is in rehab, subject to the counselors opinion.
For you, it would probably be good to pick up some alanon lit. and check out some threads on this site. WELCOME CROCODILE and keep hangin in their,

Miss Pink

why dont you wait til he returns to worry about it?

Live today, not 28 days from now...a million things can occur between now and then...why worry about the future that hasnt come.

justanothrdrunk

It may not be safe to assume he's coming home in 28 days. Sometimes sober living (half-way house, sober house, etc.) is recommended following rehab.

But as was already said, that's a ways from now. Worry about it then. Take care of your kids and yourself right now. Don't worry about him. He's where he needs to be.

Lilyflower

Rightly so, as relapse is always there on the horizon, but it may or may not happen to your AH. I may or may not get killed by a car next week, but I don't allow that possibility effect my behaviour today. Take one day at a time with your AH when he comes home, I think he will want to be treated as normally as possible.

You have time to work on you now. For a long time you probably have been focusing your energy on him, now it's time to focus your energy on you. Have you attended Al-anon? You can also read up on codependency, inner bonding, and many other self help tools.

Co-dependents Anonymous & Inner Bonding: Relationship Help, Relationship Advice, Spiritual Growth, Parenting Advice

He needs to focus on himself for now as he will have an uphill struggle with his addiction when he comes home, and this isn't a bad thing. I know now that in order for me to be able to be happy and functioning with another person, I need to be happy and functioning in myself. If you are in a programme, healing yourself and finding your own recovery, you will naturally find you are focusing on you, you are looking out for your happiness and not relying on any one else to make you feel that way. As hard as it may be to consider, everything is 'about his problem all the time' because you have become used to putting him and his first. I think alot of us in a relationship with an A are guilty of this! You can change that dynamic yourself.

Treat him asif nothing has happened, this is the way I treat my abf. It is not my problem and I cannot help him with it. Also I find this helps me let go of the resentment, which is needed for us to heal and grow.

As I have gone down my own recovery path, I have learnt that I make my own emotions and no one can make me feel anything. So if you are angry, this is coming from within you. There are two ways to express an emotion....

''1) I am sharing my feelings to give information.
2) I am sharing my feelings to blame the person for causing my feelings.

If you were sharing your feelings to give information, you might say, "I'm feeling angry with you, so I'm going out for a walk and try to deal with it."

If you were taking responsibility for your own feelings, you may not say anything about your feelings to the other person. You would go inside and explore what you are telling yourself that is causing you to feel angry, hurt, disappointed, or irritated. You might share information, such as, "I'm feeling stressed, so I'm going to take a bath."

But if you just say, "I'm angry with you," or "You hurt my feelings," then you are not taking responsibility for your feelings - you are dumping your feelings on the other person, and he or she will feel blamed.

"But he did make me angry!" you might be thinking. "She did hurt my feelings." "He did disappoint me." Behind these statements lies a major false belief - the belief that others cause your feelings. ''

From...
Sharing Feelings: Information or Attack?
By Dr. Margaret Paul

Lily xxxxxxxxx

hope2bhappy

I think much of what you are feeling is normal. I had the "what-about-me" feeling for a couple of months after he got home. It did pass.

Recovery is all about him, but this is a good thing for you and your kids. It far outweighs the alternative.

I act normal and treat him normally.

BohemiMamaof3

I'm agreeing with what's been posted so far. I know with 3 kids you're busy enough, but it would be helpful to take some time for you. Reading those good books, finding an Alanon meeting... it will help.