Kelly_Jones

My first post was yesturday, and today I feel like writing down the story of my father. I have never known my father to not have a vodka and sprite in his hand. He has one special glass that he uses, and he does not use any other. I was not raised by my father but at the age of nine he started taking me every second weekend. When he would pick me up he had a sprite bottle in the drink holder of the truck every time. Which I knew not to ask for a sip b/c it was UNTOUCHABLE. For years I went to his house repetedly knowing in my head what what was going on with my father and stepmother b/c as night would fall they would turn the radio up louder and they would start to dance, ripping me from the couch at 9 years old to dance with them, turning and throwing me from one to the other, laughing, and singing, while I just bounced back and forth until they would stop and I could sit back down in front of the t.v. This went on for years, so as I got older I took advantage of it because my father still had money at this point and I would spend my weekends using him for his money. I didn't care anymore that he was drinking cause I could get whatever I wanted all weekend long, from expensive cereal that my mother could not afford to a brand new outfit. Eventually this was not enough anymore cause my dad was getting sick, I was getting older and he was getting closer and closer to death. The drink was killing him. As long as I can remember he would go to a rehab near home for a weekend and come back sober for the hour car ride home until he found a liquor store. He just used the rehabs as a rejuvinater. Now the point I am at is living on my own, going to college, in a serious relationship, and I too have a problem with alcohol, that is only when I allow myself to drink. If I dont go out I do good. I have serious problems accepting that the person I am in love with truly loves me, I have anger against many people, and I love my father very much. So here I am going to alanon, writing on here and hopefully heading in the right direction. I want the pattern to stop here with me. I want to kill the disease of alcohol that has affected my father, mother, sisters, and me, so that it does not carry on through me to my children....

dad's angel

Kelly_Jones


I hear you, I wish there was a cure for this disease. I too do not want my dad's disease to ruin my life more than it already has. My dad did make a good living, but now lost our family home, along w/more. I have soo much anger inside sometimes, its unbelievable. I feel horrible the days I take it out on my mother who not has to live w/me, because he also abadoned her for the drink.

I have not seen nor spoke to my father in 5 months, after I embarssed myself, but going to his other home, and asking him to come home, and stop the nonsense. He told me that he did not love my mother (after 30yrs) and did not love me either. That we only held him down, that he was the happiest he has ever been, and walked away from me, to his new girlfriend and grabbed a beer.

I got in my b.f. car and told him just to drive, as I cried my insides out. That night I too was a drunk. The next morning when the sun touched my eyes, I felt soo lost, so alone, I really wanted to die, I had wished I had never woken up. It's amazing how selfish the disease is. And how now I am determined to become selfish too, with my heart, time, and just me. I need to make me happy. We need to try to make sure we put ourselves first. Take care of your own heart, its hard, I have not mastered it yet. But i'm trying.

JT

Kelly and Angel,

I found alot of happiness and serenity by giving myself the things that I felt like I should get from others. Expectations have caused me alot of pain. My parents, my child, husband #1 and my current husband, friends, coworkers. When I take care of myself and expect nothing any small thing that is given to me seems like a gift.

My parents divorced and kind of left me out there hanging alone while they went on to new families. I am suprised I have not drowned in the tears I have shed over that. It causes me pain even today and I am 50. That is a hard one to shake and I am not convinced that revisiting that pain will fix it.

Some say the best revenge is living well and that I do...as a result of Alanon. I have been involved for about 10 years and it gave me back my life....what do I mean back?? It GAVE me a life. I don't attend meeting regularly right now but I can tell you that I went to 3-4 meetings a week for 6 to 7 years and alot of that "stuff' that we talk about here was dealt with in that way. I managed to make some huge headway in fixing me. This board has helped me regain and maintain what my lapse cost me...and have I have gained here too.

So in my humble opinion you are on the right track. It is what I did and it did alot for me.

Hugs,
JT