Can someone please explain....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hampton Roads, VA
Posts: 15
Can someone please explain....
I know this may sound very odd but....what is a Codie (co-dependant). What are the "warning signs" that someone is a codie??
I've had a history of picking the "wounded puppy" and trying to "help" but I don't know if I'm a codie. ANy links would be greatly appreciated!! Thanks!
I've had a history of picking the "wounded puppy" and trying to "help" but I don't know if I'm a codie. ANy links would be greatly appreciated!! Thanks!
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
"trying to help"....sounds like a characteristic
The opposite of a "codie" would be for you to take only your own inventory and change yourself.
Welcome to SR. There's plenty of info about your question here. Also plenty of people who will share their experience.
The opposite of a "codie" would be for you to take only your own inventory and change yourself.
Welcome to SR. There's plenty of info about your question here. Also plenty of people who will share their experience.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
The "warning signs" of co-dependency are when you are so involved with what other people are doing and thinking (like we really know!) that you stop taking care of yourself.
For me, it manifested itself as anger. So, I began to think about why I was angry. And it all came down to the fact that I was trying to control people and things which were outside my control. I recommend Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie as a way to understanding the problem and dealing with it.
ARL
For me, it manifested itself as anger. So, I began to think about why I was angry. And it all came down to the fact that I was trying to control people and things which were outside my control. I recommend Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie as a way to understanding the problem and dealing with it.
ARL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi toomuch,
Welcome to SR. Please take a look at the sticky threads at the top of this forum. There is alot of good information there. One of the threads is called Alanon Self Test and just might give you the answers you are looking for.
Welcome to SR. Please take a look at the sticky threads at the top of this forum. There is alot of good information there. One of the threads is called Alanon Self Test and just might give you the answers you are looking for.
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
It is frustrating (for me) when I tell someone who is not codependent nor has a familiarity with codependency about it. There is a misunderstanding that codependency means that you've got to have a mate and you will not be happy unless you've got someone else in your life. Also i've noticed that codependency is generally thought of as the addiction to "saving people" when really that doesn't even scratch the surface.
How about the addiction to throwing yourself into someone else so much that your identity becomes enmeshed in theirs....and of course since you've chosen an addict/alcoholic part of your identity is a huge problem that you just cannot seem to let go of.
It was very surprising to discover that codependency has a facet of arrogance. Who would have thought that someone so deeply involved in the well being of others could actually be so vain?? But it makes so much sense. Really much of our rescuing, caretaking and "love" is all about us......not the other person(s) involved. We think everything is a reflection of us.
Perfect example: my exabf and I have the same general doctor. during one of his visits he was not satisfied with the way he was being treated by the staff and made a huge scene....yelling at people and upsetting the patients in the waiting room. when it was time for me to go the doctor a couple of weeks later, I felt the overwhelming need to apologize for his behavior and to make excuses for him. but I didn't do it.....i stopped myself because I realized that it was his behavior, not mine. i am not him and not everything is about me. i'm so glad i caught the sickness before i began to apologize to the staff. it took me about 30 seconds to quell the guilt and shame rising up and to realize that in general, people will not hold me accountable for his actions.
it felt so nice to not be responsible for that. it also brought awareness of many times in the past when i have apologized and taken ownership of someone else's behavior......and for what......to save face....my face.
I sort of flew with that thought Tomuch, but I hope sharing that experience brings some insight into codependency. If you google 'codependency' you will find some good sites that have checklists and articles to assist you in determining weather or not you've got codependent tendencies.
Much love to you!!
How about the addiction to throwing yourself into someone else so much that your identity becomes enmeshed in theirs....and of course since you've chosen an addict/alcoholic part of your identity is a huge problem that you just cannot seem to let go of.
It was very surprising to discover that codependency has a facet of arrogance. Who would have thought that someone so deeply involved in the well being of others could actually be so vain?? But it makes so much sense. Really much of our rescuing, caretaking and "love" is all about us......not the other person(s) involved. We think everything is a reflection of us.
Perfect example: my exabf and I have the same general doctor. during one of his visits he was not satisfied with the way he was being treated by the staff and made a huge scene....yelling at people and upsetting the patients in the waiting room. when it was time for me to go the doctor a couple of weeks later, I felt the overwhelming need to apologize for his behavior and to make excuses for him. but I didn't do it.....i stopped myself because I realized that it was his behavior, not mine. i am not him and not everything is about me. i'm so glad i caught the sickness before i began to apologize to the staff. it took me about 30 seconds to quell the guilt and shame rising up and to realize that in general, people will not hold me accountable for his actions.
it felt so nice to not be responsible for that. it also brought awareness of many times in the past when i have apologized and taken ownership of someone else's behavior......and for what......to save face....my face.
I sort of flew with that thought Tomuch, but I hope sharing that experience brings some insight into codependency. If you google 'codependency' you will find some good sites that have checklists and articles to assist you in determining weather or not you've got codependent tendencies.
Much love to you!!
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
One symptom I overcame - vehemently denying and lashing out when anyone suggested I was codependent, instead of taking a good look at myself. I only liked to "help" - or so I believed. It was what was behind this drive that was unhealthy.
I read Codependent No More and it thought "They wrote a book about me!"
I read Codependent No More and it thought "They wrote a book about me!"
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
This was a great intro for me....
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependance is reprinted from the website Co-dependents Anonymous with permission of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. (CoDA, Inc). Permission to reprint this material does not mean that CoDA, Inc. has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that CoDA, Inc. agrees with the views expressed herein. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships and is not affiliated with any other 12 step program.
Copyright © 1998 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Incorporated and its licensors - All Rights Reserved
Print PDF
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependance is reprinted from the website Co-dependents Anonymous with permission of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. (CoDA, Inc). Permission to reprint this material does not mean that CoDA, Inc. has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that CoDA, Inc. agrees with the views expressed herein. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships and is not affiliated with any other 12 step program.
Copyright © 1998 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Incorporated and its licensors - All Rights Reserved
Print PDF
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
At first it was hard for me to realize that arrogance played a huge part in being codependent. How could I have low self esteem and be arrogant at the same time??
In therapy I learned the control issues I was in denial about were all about 'my' knowing what is best for somebody else.
I robbed others of their dignity to make their own choices...by my words or my influence, even if it was limited to just my thoughts of them. Being disturbed, sad or hurt because someone would reject my way of doing things or my advice pointed directly to a desire to be in control.
I had been a 'victim' of others in my life who tried to wield that power over me and was surely not going to be somebody who would do the same to others. It was especially hard for me to realize I was.
It's a wonderful thing to release the burdens of others and focus on things I can change about myself. I can be a better person when I stop judging and measuring others by 'my own' ideas and experience.
I still look out for those old patterns and work to be free of them. Alanon meetings help keep things out in the open and fresh for me.
In therapy I learned the control issues I was in denial about were all about 'my' knowing what is best for somebody else.
I robbed others of their dignity to make their own choices...by my words or my influence, even if it was limited to just my thoughts of them. Being disturbed, sad or hurt because someone would reject my way of doing things or my advice pointed directly to a desire to be in control.
I had been a 'victim' of others in my life who tried to wield that power over me and was surely not going to be somebody who would do the same to others. It was especially hard for me to realize I was.
It's a wonderful thing to release the burdens of others and focus on things I can change about myself. I can be a better person when I stop judging and measuring others by 'my own' ideas and experience.
I still look out for those old patterns and work to be free of them. Alanon meetings help keep things out in the open and fresh for me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
As did Cagefree i read "Co dependant no more" eye opener, ive read it over and over. there is nothing wrong with caring for puppies, it's just knowing when to stop this book will show you how and tell you why you do it. Very interesting. Keep posting here we all help each other.
Mair
Mair
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hampton Roads, VA
Posts: 15
Cynay, Thank you for the info! I went through the list and the two that stuck out the most were: Compliance and Control Patterns. Does this make me a Codie??
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I let things go that upset me so my husband and I don't fight. If he does something that bothers me, i normally won't say anything.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
In the past I would never leave a boyfriend, even a bad boyfriend, because I didn't want to hurt them.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I have dropped out of school in the past to spend more time with my boyfriend. I use to love playing video games on the computer but my husband always makes negative comments so I don't play any more.
I accept sex when I want love.
I've had many partners....looking for love but taking what I can!
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I don't trust my husband to any of the bills or important decissions in the family. I handle all of our finances, I make all of our doc appts and any major decission needs to go through me first.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I'm very oppinionanted and try to sway other's with my beliefs. (wow....that was hard to admit!)
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I alwasy give gifts to those I love and care about. For Christmas, my husband and I said no gifts (we just bought a house). The day before christmas, I went out and bought him a ton of gifts anyhow to show how much I cared!
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
In the past, if I was fighting with a boyfriend, Iw ould try to have sex to make it all better. I've done it a few times with my husband as well.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Feeling needed feels so much better than being liked....or even maybe loved....
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I let things go that upset me so my husband and I don't fight. If he does something that bothers me, i normally won't say anything.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
In the past I would never leave a boyfriend, even a bad boyfriend, because I didn't want to hurt them.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I have dropped out of school in the past to spend more time with my boyfriend. I use to love playing video games on the computer but my husband always makes negative comments so I don't play any more.
I accept sex when I want love.
I've had many partners....looking for love but taking what I can!
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I don't trust my husband to any of the bills or important decissions in the family. I handle all of our finances, I make all of our doc appts and any major decission needs to go through me first.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I'm very oppinionanted and try to sway other's with my beliefs. (wow....that was hard to admit!)
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I alwasy give gifts to those I love and care about. For Christmas, my husband and I said no gifts (we just bought a house). The day before christmas, I went out and bought him a ton of gifts anyhow to show how much I cared!
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
In the past, if I was fighting with a boyfriend, Iw ould try to have sex to make it all better. I've done it a few times with my husband as well.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Feeling needed feels so much better than being liked....or even maybe loved....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
Originally Posted by cagefree 
One symptom I overcame - vehemently denying and lashing out when anyone suggested I was codependent, instead of taking a good look at myself. I only liked to "help" - or so I believed. It was what was behind this drive that was unhealthy.
I read Codependent No More and it thought "They wrote a book about me!"
I read Codependent No More and it thought "They wrote a book about me!"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hampton Roads, VA
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by by myself again
But how can we help not thinking we are a reflection of an AH? It is embarrassing and I have apologised for and made excuses for mine so often and Im preety tired of it. I guess I need to learn to feel differently.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by BohemiMamaof3
Yep! Me too. Another book that totally helped me is Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 84
My inter-net was down and could not get to see my post...wow, thank you so much for information, Hi my name is Redbear and i'm a codie...i faught with my ah that i was not, and did really understand what Codependence ment and now I know what i have to do...i need to get myself to alanon, need to speak to my counsellor and pick up some reading material and check out Co-dependents Anonymous
Thank you, it was tough reading but I needed it.
Thank you, it was tough reading but I needed it.
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