LiveLife

My ABF has been on a major downward heroin spiral for the past year. I've stood by him while he deceived me, stole thousands from me, sold everything of value that we owned, lied in my face, stole from others. kicked dope, used, kicked dope, used and on and on. I've watched him turn into a sickly skeleton of a man. I've nursed him through withdrawal after withdrawal. I've found enough syringes, crack pipes and smoke stained aluminum and spoons to fill a small trash can but I miss him ..... because I'm still madly in love with the man he used to be. It's so hard to let go of our beautiful dreams for the future because the great memories of the time we spent prior to his starting using again take up so much of my heart.

We had three amazing passionate years together, but the past year has been a living hell ... for both of us. He says he wants to stop. He does not want to be the junkie he has become. Somehow he cannot find the strength to stop sticking needles in his arm and I no longer have the strength to try to hold the rest of the world together. He says he turned to crack to chase away the heroin, but now I know he fights two demons instead of just one. His addict mother stuck the first needle in his arm when he was only 10 years old. He's 40 now and has used heroin over half his life.

A week ago at 3:00 AM he came through the house and stole $35 from my wallet and left. I called his cell phone as he drove off. He didn't answer and I left a message telling him to never come back. I haven't seen him since, but some things are missing from our yard. I found out that two weeks earlier he had stolen a $1,000 deposit from one of my customers toward work I now need to do. I'm the only one currently working. He's too sick to work.

I miss him so much. I know I'm codependent and I'm trying to learn how to heal. I cry every day and every night. The sadness is overwhelming. In my head I try to tell my self that drugs stole the man I love. That there is no way I can save him from this evil. God knows I tried. He's left four messages in the past two weeks. He's said he's started methadone and that he's waiting to get a spot in rehab. He wants me to leave clothes and toiletries outside my house in a bag. He tells me that he knows I hate him and he doesn't blame me. He promises to be "out of my hair" soon.

But I don't hate him. I love him. I can't answer the phone and I can't call him back because I am so vulnerable to him. I listen to his messages over and over just to hear his voice. If he would hold me and tell me it's all going to be all right, I know I would jump right back on that roller coaster for another ride.

I'm trying to find the strength to end this relationship. I have two young children from a prior relationship and I know they've been effected by all this madness. I just can't help feeling that I'm throwing a human life in the street to die ....... I still love him.

mooselips

LiveLife,
Sorry you're so sad.
Wish there was something I could do to cheer you up.

I can offer a solution to improving your mood, see if you can find some Naranon, or Alanon meetings close to you, and run to one A.S.A.P.

It will show you how to change the focus off of him, onto you.


Please stick around, others in the same situation as you are here too, they will be along shortly.


Hugs,

holdingouthope

LiveLife - no advice just words of encouragement. My husband is an addict and I can relate to what you're going through.

As Moose has suggested, AlAnon/NarAnon have saved my life.

Keep the focus on you and your babies, and you will find the courage you've been looking for. Have you ever heard the serenity prayer? It helps me out when I don't know what else to do....

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference

tryingtoheal

I'm so sorry to hear the pain in your post. You are so strong to have gotten this far! Someone once suggested to me (actually, many suggested this when I first posted here) to write a letter to him pouring out how you feel, all he has done wrong, all he has done right, what you hoped for with each other, how things used to be, how they are now, etc., but DO NOT send it. Tomorrow, or later tonight or in two days or whenever you feel the need, go back and write more to him, edit what you already wrote, etc. Never send it...unless, in a few weeks, months, days, years, you finally get to a point that you are okay and still feel the need to have him receive the letter... If anything, getting your feelings and thoughts down in writing will help you assess your situation as it pertains to him, and not so much as how his situation pertains to you and your kids...

bluejay6

dear livelife,

i like your name. it is what i always said to the longtime- recovering heroin addict i love, before he disappeared: "i want to live life with you." i am still waiting to see how his story unfolds. and whether i will be a part of it again. time will tell. i have found ways to wait.

the book "broken" by william cope moyers is really good, and it helped me gain more knowledge about an addict's overwhelming compulsion to keep using, even though he is losing those whom he cherishes more than anyone in the world.

you may have codependent behaviors...anyone in relationship with an addict will be inclined to because it evokes desperate reactions....but loving him still is NOT codependent. it is beautiful. love is the best thing we have, the best thing we do.

it is a long road with an addict. i know.

he does not steal from you or adandon you because he does not love you anymore. but...he does not care about you when he is controlled by his overwhelming compulsion. he cannot.

i am so sorry you have seen him disintegrate before your eyes. it eats people up.

it is so hard to let them go, when they can't care about us.

i have to say, though, he sounds pretty bad off. i always have more hope of recovery when an addict is in misery and wasting, than when drugs are still fun for him, still working. it sounds as if your addict is not having any fun out there.

anyway...you might like to read that book. do take care. stay connected to recovering people.

raerae6

YOU are not throwing him in the street to die...if you have him near you, it will not keep him from dying...ONLY he can control his life. the only thing you CAN control is the quality of life for yourself and your children. Your kids don't deserve to suffer because of him..do they??

maybe you are hoping for a change and wishing it will change..but usually past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

Keep this in mind..."better a painful ending than pain without end". It is your choice.

hugs

Hangin' In

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but I am so glad you found this board. There is great support here.

I, too, would suggest you find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting. Meetings have saved my life and helped me get my life back to a manageable state. I was just like the alcoholic/addict...my life had become totally unmanageable. Why? Because my AD was addicted to the drug and I was addicted to her. And I could NOT make her stop no matter how hard I tried. And trust me, I tried EVERYTHING there was.

That's when my HP brought meetings and this board into my life and I began to recover. Raerae said exactly what I was thinking. No matter how hard you try or how much you want it, HIS life is not yours to save. He has to want to get clean and only he can do it.

Please stick around and know there are people here who understand exactly what you are going through. And they will love you through it.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

BigSis

No one here (that I know of) has "loved" their addict into recovery.

Many of us have set boundaries and found MORE happiness in our lives.

Would you die if you were kicked out? If you are like me, you would not. You would figure stuff out... you would find resources... you would survive.

Our addicts are addicted, not disabled. They can seek out drugs, steal from us and figure out complex financial information and discover the best hiding places... they are PERFECTLY CAPABLE of figuring out how to live on their own.

My daughter's counselor asked me once - If she has a roof over her head, a warm bed, a hot meal, TV, phone and bathroom AND her drug of choice... WHY would she EVER get clean?


We think we are saving them... but I discovered that, for me, it was all about MY needs. And once I stopped including my addicts in fulfilling those needs (whether I was future trippping, or what-ifing or just not being totally present) once I stopped including the a "sober addict" as the solution to MY dreams... we all got better.


((hugs)))

cece1960

Boy oh boy did that comment jump out at me.

caileesnana

Welcome to SR. I'm sorry you are hurting, addiciton is the devil in disguise.
I have no comforting words as I am struggling myself, but keep posting and reading. Lots of good folks here who will never leave you alone and walk w/ you step by step.
prayers,
susan

splendra

(((((LiveLife))))))

I really feel ya girl. I hope you stay strong. I am sure your children and you do not need this madness. My H is addicted to crack and I have been to hell and back hoping against hope that he will choose to get clean. I clearly see that he has no intention of doing that.

I have loved this man for 10 years and it is hard to let it go but, I know for my own sanity and even safety I need to turn my back on this and run as fast as I can in the other direction. He ain't going to leave until all the material possessions are completely gone so I am starting to sell them off. My mortgage is in serious trouble too....Fortunately I do not have children living with me so at least I do not have that to be concerned about.

He is doing all kinds of things to try and suck me back in but, I see the light on the horizon and it is beautiful and I want it. I have some good memories of being with him but, I can also see that these memories are filled with my own hopes and fantasy of what I thought it could be. After 10 years I can see that I have done all the hoping and praying and he has done all the dope....

I still love my H too but, i am sooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of him sucking the life out of me.

I surmise that it is never too late for me to get a real life if I want it and I do. I hope with all my heart that you do too...

Miss Pink

go to al-anon or nar-anon.

LiveLife

Thank you all for your wisdom and your words of encouragement. It's been two weeks since I last saw my ABF, but the pain of what I believe is grieving a lost relationship and a hope for the future with him cuts like a fresh wound.

We had an amazing relationship. People used to say we were born to be together. We had our own business and our customers loved us and gave us endless referrals. ...... before addiction comsumed our lives.

He called today and left a message. He needed a ride to the city hospital to get in a 12 month rehab program. I listened to his message over and over just to hear his voice, but I did not break my promise to myself that I will not call him back. I am too vulnerable to him. He would have needed cigarettes and $20 for the road and I would have looked into his once handsome dark brown eyes and my insides would have gone all a flutter and I would have tried to "help" him.

I did attend one Nar Anon meeting in November. There were only two other people there ... both 20+ years older than me and their addicts were their grown children. They were very welcoming and encouraging and it was nice to have someone to talk to about my situation, but I think it is different to be the lover/partner than the parent of an addict. I'm not saying one is easier ..... just different.

When I told my ABF that I had gone to the meeting he got very angry that I had shared our troubles with other people. He accused me of sneaking around behind his back and seeking to have an affair with someone at the meeting. This from a man who had not been home for three days...... hmmmm. I never went back.

LiveLife is from my ABF. I had been going through some life issues and my ABF (then sober) saw a headline in the newspaper that said "It's Your Life, Live It." He sent it to me and I've had it taped to my computer the past several years. I see it everyday ... but it is amazing how "His Addict Life" became "My Life." Now it's time to get back to the basics and "Live Life."

Thank you all ... you have helped me more than you will ever know.

Miss Pink

al-anon has a larger fellowship, with an array of ages.

unless you like this suffering, you need help. Nothing changes if no-one changes.