hundow08

you know that old saying.... trust your gut? well i hate it b/c it is true. at least for me.... my gut is always right. well a while ago i posted a thread about my husband and his meetings. Today he spilled his guts. He told me everything i thought, yet was hoping i was wrong about. He told me.. yes my brother uses too. He told me ... i Haven't gone to ANY of those meetings. He told me that he got his friend (supposed sponor) using too. It makes my insides hurt to know that i am always right.
I feel so upset. mostly about the meetings, b/c he just recently (suppossedly) started to go and i was thinking finally, something. Now to hear the truth pour from his lips..... that the who time he was gone ( mind you he never left for an hour, more like 5 or 6 hrs) he had no intention of even going. how can someone do that to another person.... look them in the eye and say " i am off to my meeting" kiss and then leave... with NO inclination of even going. probably just laughing about what a stupid b**** i am for "believing" him. He also told me he owed his dad 200.00 for money he borrowed for christmas. All the money he was usuing ( suppossedly for gifts) was what he was using to get high with. He just left.. saying he needed 125.00 to see some counslor or have an assessment done...... or course all the while i was thing.. is that what he is really doing. I feel so numb to this. I cant even say that i care any more. I feel like... WHATEVER. I feel almost dumfounded.. to hear fall from his lips all the things i was secretly thing. So strange. So here i am, falling back down into this cycle.......LIES, LIES, LIES. Today i have decided that i trully am going to find an alanon meeting, and thursday night (first night available) I am going. Oh, yay speaking of those meetings, my AH says those meetings are just telling you to leave. I don't really think that though.. I think it is about helping to change your focus...... i think it is just me telling me to leave..... oh, whatever. i am just so flat on my face, rolling in the stinkin mud confused. what a surprise?!:wtf2

Nikki2003

I am so sorry. When my AH told me about his drug use I didn't know which hurt more the fact that he did drugs or the lieing. I still don't know which hurt more. I think both is equally painful. Sending hugs and prayers your way.
Nikki

BayAreaPhoenix

Hugs. I wish I had some words of wisdom. I myself, as you have seen, am still struggling. I am taking care of myself and taking care of business, and for the most part am proud of my progress, but I have soooo much further to go! Find those meetings, read here, get some books, whatever it is you need to help you help yourself. Good luck to you and I am so sorry!

bluebelle

Sorry you're having to go through this. This is awful! I think the lying bothers me more than anything. The addict can get you all mixed up. You're taught to not trust your feelings--when reality you should have been trusting them all along. I wonder why he decided to tell you this now?

havehope

I'm sorry that he lied, but as we know, that is what addicts do. I know it hurts, and I know you feel dumb for believing him. But werself up o want to believe they want their recovery as much as we do. Don't beat yourself up over this.
I hate what addicts do to those who love them the most.
Sending more hugs.

ANGELINA243

Go to al-anon>there are people there that can help you (I promise). As for your husband, He is active in his addiction--there is absolutely nothing you can do to help him. He must have the desire to change--that desire must come from within him>not because you suggest that he go to a meeting. He must want to go for himself. Al-anon is not about telling people to leave their spouses--it is about showing you what his behavior is doing to you--how it is affecting you. Sure--they talk about alcoholism>but more from the way how it affects those living with an alcoholic. I think it will help you--you will be able to speak to others who are in a similar situation. Alcoholism is a family disease. It just doesn't affect the alcoholic. By him trying to keep you away from Al-anon is another way that he is trying to control you. I think he knows that you will find out some truths about him and his disease--and he is scared about not knowing the outcome. By keeping you involved in his active addiction--he is, in a way, keeping you from finding the help that you so desperately need as well. Enough is enough! Take care of you--for a change. You are worth it!

kj21

I am sorry you are hurting. the lies are what get to me the most. Just like you said, they look you in the eye, and lie! How can some one do that???? Drugs or not, it is horrible. It is time to take care of yourself. try not to obsess if he is using, lying or whatever, focus on what you need to do to be happy. Hugs!

ANGELINA243

Nar-anon is also another group that could help. Pretty much same thing as al-anon--but primary focus is for helping family/friends of people who are addicted to drugs. I'm sorry, I may have mis-read your post earlier. :praying

Done_With_It

Nah, I don't think he thought that. His goal is just to get the drugs, no matter what it takes. He doesn't even have time or energy to think like that. Most addicts are not mean people like that, they are sick people. It seems and appears on the outside that they are mean and that what they are doing is personal to you, but it's not, what they are doing is "ALL ABOUT THEM" and how they can get their next fix. They are no longer themselves, they are a new person, the person they are gets trapped inside.

That's what Alanon and Naranon will teach you is how to distinguish the two.
I hope you do go, it will help somewhat with the pain.
I'm sorry you are going through all this.

mooselips

(hundow08)
No the meetings don't encourage you to leave your spouse. In fact at my meeting, which have Alanon, and AA in the same building, a married couple comes in and kiss goodbye as they separate to go to their individual meetings. In fact, a few weeks ago, they both led the meeting I attend, and it was fabulous.

No meeting, and NObody but you, can make that decision.

AND the best part is...The meetings are all about YOU. What makes YOU happy, how to accomplish serenity, and hope, and loads of experience is sitting in those meetings.

Hugs,

holdingouthope

hundow - once again I find myself relating so much to you.

I am sorry you have to go through this. For me, it's the sting of the lies that stays long after the truth slapped me in the face. That's how I feel anyway. It's insulting to be lied to.

I have been to many NarAnon and Alnon meetings and not one of them have told me to leave my husband.

painter

My, heart breaks for you. Cause I understand what you are feeling. My daughter stole 5,000.00 from me. Had it in her back pack when she came downstairs and kissed me goodbye and said "I love you, Mom". How's that for a slap in the face? But yet, I forgave and still let her abuse me until I came to this site. I have found so much courage here and slowly found strength. So hard but we all have to survive, We, have to grow and move forward. Know you are not alone. Heartbeats to you.

Hangin' In

Hun,

RUN, don't walk, to a meeting. The meetings are about YOU and making YOUR life better. It's not about counseling you as to your marriage. Only you know what you want to do about that. Or maybe you don't know today. That's fine, too.

All I know is after I started attending Al Anon reguarly, my life became manageable and decisions I needed to make became clearer and clearer.

I go to my meetings because I want to take healthy care of me. I hope you'll do the same because you deserve it.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

marshalldillon

i am sorry u r goin through what u are, no 1 likes to be lied too, especially when u try to be honest to them, this is his issue, and i am not saying it is not ur's because u are together so it affects both of u. u are n my prayers, please spend some time praying, god is the only 1 that can give u perspective of what is goin on, the person in your life is hurting himself more than anyone else.

VanessaLee13

I am so sorry you are going through this.

As Done said above, try not to take the lies personally. It is all about getting the drug. Now that my RABF is thinking a little more clearly, he is actually showing remorse for all the lies and the hurt that he caused. He said that at the time, he may have thought for a split second about whether or not he should be taking money from me, lying, etc. But then he would just tell himself that it was fine. They are sick, and their minds don't think clearly. As you may have heard often, an addict's emotional growth is stunted. Think about a child, and the lies they tell. They don't think anything of it.

Anyways, definitely get that meeting. And keep going. It will help!!!
<3, Vanessa