BayAreaPhoenix

I wrote this at the end of my other thread, but it's a totally different thing - hoping for some helpful words - literally.

OK, here's a question. This is where my communication skills are still not quite up to par. I know I need a boundary here, and I'm not sure how to phrase it that doesn't come out a complete horrid - what the f**** do you care?

I have been staying at an aunts house off and on since all this started - for months. She lives about 3 hours away. It is inconvenient but since "I'm the one that has decided to end the marriage and I'm the one that doesn't want to work on the marriage" it's not up to him to leave. Not worth the arguing, and he never gets it anyway, so for some peace I go every few weeks and my boss has been great about it.

Last week, as I said, I found the money trail and Friday my book-keeper friend put all the pieces together. I had not planned on taking off again for the weekend as I had just come home Monday but I knew if I even caught a glimpse of him over the weekend I would just let it fly and I needed to calm down, it was not time yet to discuss this or anything else financial.

He had said a while ago that I should no longer email him my comings and goings, too hurtful, blah blah blah. So, I came home from work, threw some stuff together and did leave a note on the stairs I'd be back Sunday afternoon. I don't believe in unnecessary worrying either. So, I got an email Friday night or Sat. a.m. saying he would stay out of the kitchen weekend mornings so I could have my coffee. I wrote back thank you and that this weekend he didn't need to worry about it as I wouldn't be back until Sunday afternoon. I then got an email back asking if I was out of town. I don't know why, but I just saw red and did not answer. Where else do I go when I leave?

Today he just emailed something about an IRS notice we received and at the end said "I guess you didnt want to answer my last email I guess when people ask I dont have any idea". Who asks? The neighbors obviously know we are having problems, they know I go to my aunts, no one calls the house phone anymore - they call me on my cell. I feel very baited here. I feel like he's trying to get me to engage in something. I don't know what. So, how do I say mind your own business and/or why do you want to know etc. As I said, I know this is a boundary thing, I just cannot figure out a good firm, non-b****y way to say it. Any suggestions?

tryingtoheal

I am just gonna say: don't respond. I am not alone in being the codie moron who responded to a baited-email and got burned - AGAIN. Make the madness stop!!

He is baiting you, maybe not consciously trying to p*ss you off or anything, but baiting you nonetheless. Your contemplation of what to reply to him, your face going red at his IRS email, etc., proves his bait appears to be working its sick magic...

Seriously! If anyone needs you, they can call your cell!!

BayAreaPhoenix

You guys are right. I'm glad I didn't respond the 2nd time either. As I said I definitely feel baited, for what I'm not sure. There's something about this that smells like codeine to me. It's controlling - subtle, but I think that's what he's always done. Why not answer questions? What's the big deal? that's how I used to look at it (but if I asked him a question, he always said why first), but how and why questions are asked I now understand can work in back-handed ways to make you feel guilty, or whatever - controlled, without realizing it. Dry Druggie (supposedly detoxed over the holidays), or active user again I'm not sure, but something smells funny! Thanks for your help, I'll be interested if anyone would do something different, but for me I think silence is golden on this one. Now I wonder if he'll come and try to talk to me tonight and ask me. I'm trying to think what I will actually say in person if he does ask. I think I might say "why do you ask?". He will then, more than likely, get huffy and say something about well if you don't want to tell me, or I'm still your husband and worry, or something equally high-handed and belligerent. I am going to try to be ready! As always - many many thanks. I think I might be a pain in the butt this week as I think we are getting close to having some real discussions once I get some more info and I'm sort of on overload. Thanks to you all!

Hangin' In

Hey wife,

Heard this in a meeting the other night from a woman who has been in the program for years. She taught me a new phrase. I'm to use a "holy silence". A what? Yep, I said, "holy silence." Maybe say nothing and let your HP get through to him while you're keeping your .... holy silence.

And just to make you smile, let me tell you this. One day I was struggling with what I was going to say to my AD, how to say it, what to say. I rehearsed it, wanted to use what I've learned ... "Say what you mean but don't say it mean." So I just had all this whirling around in my head. I prayed, asking my HP to please let me know what I should say, how to say it, etc.

And honeychild, just as clear as a bell, (ok, so I didn't really hear an audible voice, but you know what I mean...) my HP said, "Hangin', you do not have to worry about what you're going to say. SAY NOTHING!" (Now that just didn't set well with me, the person who loves to go on and on and on and tell everyone how they should live their life. ) But, having figured out that my just having to say something is what had usually got me into messes before, I thought I'd pay attention to what was told me.

Guess what? It worked. I, as a codie, always think I need to be "doing" something, "saying" something. Al Anon has taught me that "doing nothing" can be a very correct choice for me.

Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In

tryingtoheal

Hangin' - that is awesome! Good post!

Codeinewife...I used to envelope myself in intervention plans, obssesssssss over what to say, plan and re-plan the way I would say it, over-analyze exactly when to say what, etc. Turns out (after getting burned again and again by saying anything at all), my silence or short answers to my exabf's questions were way more impactful! I wish I had listened to the advice I'd gotten here in SR when I first started posting, as I'd have saved myself a lot of suffering and lost hours of contemplating that perfect delivery that might finally get through to him!! I guess we all want to believe and cling to the last bit of hope that we are in a different situation with our A's, and I pray that you are (and some are able to finally break through, don't get me wrong), but an addict is an addict as an alcoholic is an alcoholic as a codie is a codie!

BayAreaPhoenix

Yep - tryingtoheal, you said it. I am still learning when it's better to just "shut up" and when it's time to mean what I say but not say it mean. I woke up this morning remembering some of the things that over the years have been turned around, denied and flat out dismissed - Oh he hated it when I would say, just because you say it, doesn't make it so. So, guess that's the good thing, what you guys are saying here is sinking in and hopefully it will just keep sinking! Thanks muchos, I really need these reality checks. Old patterns, they didn't work then, they sure as heck aren't working now!

Hangin' In

I think that is the same thing as our definition of insanity around here:

"Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

Just ain't gonna happen, just ain't gonna happen....