How far to compromise?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 35
How far to compromise?
My AH that I am left 2 months ago after relapsing and I decided I couldnt take anymore has now decided that he wants everything back and has now seen a psychiatrist to start to get his life together. He vows and declares that he wont relapse etc etc... I have moved home to New Zealand and he is in the States. He is throwing all sorts of ultimatums out there for eg, that if I am not back there is 3 weeks then he is going to move on and that I need to be over there to go through this with him and start couples therapy. Also that he wants me back there for our little girls first birthday etc etc. I dont think that I am ready to trust him yet as I have been burnt too many times. I want him to come out here for a bit and he doesnt want to. So really, it is all about him yet again... I dont think I am being unreasonable.
Any experience strength and hope please would be greatly appreciated.
Any experience strength and hope please would be greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Wow - I have no real advice as I don't know what I would do with kids. All I know is everyone keeps talking about action versus words, and I know in my situation, the two are very different. Good luck with whatever you decide - it sounds like a big one. Just wanted to send you courage for whatever your decision!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
I am sorry I can't offer any advice because it is all a personal choice for each person what they what to do in each situation. I too have kids and my husband is in treatment. But what my boundaries are might be totally different then what yours are. But I will offer hugs and prayers and support. And an ear to listen. I hope that will be of some help.
Nikki
Nikki
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
dear jen,
is seeing a psychiatrist the only form of recovery he is pursuing? one on one counseling can sometimes be a safe place for an addict to "hide". there's something about group work which really works for addicts in recovery. but, of course, the addict has to be desperate enough to want that recovery work.
if he is just beginning work with the psychiatrist--who may be hoping to support him in therapy then encourage group involvement once trust is established--my feeling is that it would be much too early for you to attempt living together and working on your marriage. recovery has to come first, before marriage issues are addressed. you don't say how long he was clean before he relapsed, but most books say a solid six months of clean time and recovery before relationship work. and some would say a year. this does not mean you cannot be in contact and supportive and loving. but you can do it as if he were a soldier sent off to war...waiting until he's put in his "tour of duty" in recovery. if you love him and want to try this, you do not need to feel apologetic to anyone for giving it more time, if that is what you want in your heart. only you know what is possible for you.
he is manipulating you with ultimatums and threats, which is addict behavior. addicts also have difficulty waiting for things to happen, hence the "right now." only some months of clean time will change that thinking.
when you get clear about what you are willing to do, what plan you can agree to, then you can let him know with firmness and compassion, keeping in mind that his brain is still in addict-thinking. and don't forget: you do not need to think in ultimatums as he is doing. it's all right to be flexible, to take small, safe steps toward change and possible reconciliation, if that is what you want. if you don't, then you will not have the depth of commitment to stick out the long months of recovery and restoration ahead. you have to really want it, for as everyone here knows, it is serious work. only you can know if you have it in you and really want to walk on that long road. it sounds as if you are pretty tired. life with an addict often has many starts and stops and starts again.
others will have good feedback for you as well. there is a lot of experience here.
sending you the best hope for your best life.
is seeing a psychiatrist the only form of recovery he is pursuing? one on one counseling can sometimes be a safe place for an addict to "hide". there's something about group work which really works for addicts in recovery. but, of course, the addict has to be desperate enough to want that recovery work.
if he is just beginning work with the psychiatrist--who may be hoping to support him in therapy then encourage group involvement once trust is established--my feeling is that it would be much too early for you to attempt living together and working on your marriage. recovery has to come first, before marriage issues are addressed. you don't say how long he was clean before he relapsed, but most books say a solid six months of clean time and recovery before relationship work. and some would say a year. this does not mean you cannot be in contact and supportive and loving. but you can do it as if he were a soldier sent off to war...waiting until he's put in his "tour of duty" in recovery. if you love him and want to try this, you do not need to feel apologetic to anyone for giving it more time, if that is what you want in your heart. only you know what is possible for you.
he is manipulating you with ultimatums and threats, which is addict behavior. addicts also have difficulty waiting for things to happen, hence the "right now." only some months of clean time will change that thinking.
when you get clear about what you are willing to do, what plan you can agree to, then you can let him know with firmness and compassion, keeping in mind that his brain is still in addict-thinking. and don't forget: you do not need to think in ultimatums as he is doing. it's all right to be flexible, to take small, safe steps toward change and possible reconciliation, if that is what you want. if you don't, then you will not have the depth of commitment to stick out the long months of recovery and restoration ahead. you have to really want it, for as everyone here knows, it is serious work. only you can know if you have it in you and really want to walk on that long road. it sounds as if you are pretty tired. life with an addict often has many starts and stops and starts again.
others will have good feedback for you as well. there is a lot of experience here.
sending you the best hope for your best life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 35
thanks so much for your post. Very true that he is an addict and this is how they behave. I am not at all comfortable or willing to go back there this soon. I am over flying 20 hours with a baby to get home everytime he relapses.
Philippines/Canada
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Left Coast
Posts: 454
Sorry to hear about your suffering. An ah needs to take care of himself before he can take care of others. They are in no position to give ultimatums. Sounds like he admits he has a problem which is a start but its only the beginning of a long journey to recovery in mind and spirit. I have really been trying to quit for 5 years. I dont think some time apart is unreasonable to prove if he is serious about recovery.Are living conditions unmanageable for you and your kids when he drinks ? He may be doing you a favor by moving on. The distance is a serious problem. Is there anyway you could live in the same city, monitor his progress, attend counseling, visitation for kids ect.
I need one year of sobriety before i get into any relationship.I don't want to put anyone at risk till i have proven to myself i am recovered. I have five months clean. Anyway i am sure there are wifes of ah that have much better suggestions. Good luck to you and your family.
I need one year of sobriety before i get into any relationship.I don't want to put anyone at risk till i have proven to myself i am recovered. I have five months clean. Anyway i am sure there are wifes of ah that have much better suggestions. Good luck to you and your family.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Please take care of yourself and your baby. He is very manipulative and yes, it's all about him and what he wants and getting his way.
I say be careful because we had a member in a similar situation a while back, who went back to a similar situation as yours and then her partner held her child somewhat hostage so that she couldn't leave. Eventually she and the child got away again but not before a very traumcatic time.
That said, I know it isn't always easy, but let time and actions tell you your answer, not words.
Hugs
I say be careful because we had a member in a similar situation a while back, who went back to a similar situation as yours and then her partner held her child somewhat hostage so that she couldn't leave. Eventually she and the child got away again but not before a very traumcatic time.
That said, I know it isn't always easy, but let time and actions tell you your answer, not words.
Hugs
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by jen960 
thanks so much for your post. Very true that he is an addict and this is how they behave. I am not at all comfortable or willing to go back there this soon. I am over flying 20 hours with a baby to get home everytime he relapses.
grateful
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Sounds like "stinkin thinkin" to me on his part. I don't hear a lot of insight into how this experience has affected you and your daughter. I am married to a recovering crack addict who has 2 1/2 years clean. I know that he/we were told adamantly not to start any type of couple's therapy until he had a year clean. We both were to work recovery programs and focus on ourselves. After that we did do a year of couple's therapy and unearthed the real issues (why he used and why I picked him) and we are back to doing our individual stuff once again.
It was hard enough to work with my RAH living in the same town. If I had had to pick up and move across an ocean I would have been quaking in my boots the whole time.
If in doubt, don't is one of the most life saving statements that I have utilized in my recovery. Also, more will be revealed. Addiction is a chronic disease where relapse is highly likely. Addicts/alcoholics are constantly told to play the tape out...I'd recommend that you do that too - play out all of the potential outcomes and imagine how you'd feel. It's difficult not to just play the rosy one full of all the promises that you dreamed of happening.....also, play the one out of how difficult recovery is. For me, RAH's recovery has been just as difficult as when he was active - just in really different ways. My love for him has survived (barely) but it is an entirely different animal than it was at the beginning. He killed all of that - not when he was in active addiction but when he was in earlier stages of recovery. Addiction is a selfish disease. Unfortunately, we get the disease once we are involved with it. Our addiction is just as dangerous and life threatening....it can take us down. We need to be selfish and come from the place of operation where we first of all consider what we need. It's the only way that I've ever found that works. It was so foreign to me to not put other's first but I've learned that ultimately, no in my world is going to be happy around me unless I am happy. I have to think of my children and myself first.
Thoughts are with you - I'd recommend giving yourself some time to see what's going on before I moved.
Donna
It was hard enough to work with my RAH living in the same town. If I had had to pick up and move across an ocean I would have been quaking in my boots the whole time.
If in doubt, don't is one of the most life saving statements that I have utilized in my recovery. Also, more will be revealed. Addiction is a chronic disease where relapse is highly likely. Addicts/alcoholics are constantly told to play the tape out...I'd recommend that you do that too - play out all of the potential outcomes and imagine how you'd feel. It's difficult not to just play the rosy one full of all the promises that you dreamed of happening.....also, play the one out of how difficult recovery is. For me, RAH's recovery has been just as difficult as when he was active - just in really different ways. My love for him has survived (barely) but it is an entirely different animal than it was at the beginning. He killed all of that - not when he was in active addiction but when he was in earlier stages of recovery. Addiction is a selfish disease. Unfortunately, we get the disease once we are involved with it. Our addiction is just as dangerous and life threatening....it can take us down. We need to be selfish and come from the place of operation where we first of all consider what we need. It's the only way that I've ever found that works. It was so foreign to me to not put other's first but I've learned that ultimately, no in my world is going to be happy around me unless I am happy. I have to think of my children and myself first.
Thoughts are with you - I'd recommend giving yourself some time to see what's going on before I moved.
Donna
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Almost 'me' again
Posts: 102
I was finally able to turn the need for recovery around in our conversations with my AH. Rather than saying how HE is doing, or what his promises or ultimatum is for reconciliation, I put my mind on knowing I needed to base MY reconciliation on MY healing. Even if he was completely healed, if I wasn't we still weren't ready. I promised him that I would always be his biggest cheerleader, and hoped he'd be mine, but until "I" was healed, I would not participate in conversations about reconciliation. I also resisted his pleas to tell him my standards, what he needed to do to get better. I told him that what he needed to do was within his own standards, not mine. If the time ever comes that we are healed at the same time and interested in pursuing a relationship, my choice would not be because he jumped through a certain number of hoops so now I 'have' to reconcile with him...but because he matches the criteria that my 'healed self' will know as a healthy relationship.
Talking like this not only keeps myself focused on 'my' job right now...it also defuses arguements. I takes the 'me vs. you' away.
I have been separated for 2 plus years at this point. I am learning new things about myself daily and still don't feel like I could go into a relationship. The thought of hitting struggles in one instantly brings a panic feeling....sure sign of disaster if I even attempted.
Talking like this not only keeps myself focused on 'my' job right now...it also defuses arguements. I takes the 'me vs. you' away.
I have been separated for 2 plus years at this point. I am learning new things about myself daily and still don't feel like I could go into a relationship. The thought of hitting struggles in one instantly brings a panic feeling....sure sign of disaster if I even attempted.
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