LucyA

What is it? I've read the word so many times on this forum, and I thought I had some understanding of what it meant but I'm not really sure to be honest.

I've seen people recommend the book 'Codependant no more' and I'm going to try to get hold of a copy tomorrow, but I was just hoping someone could give me an idea of what exactly codependant is as opposed to enabling.

This terminology confuses me, help please!

LaTeeDa

Well, there are many definitions out there. The way my therapist explained it to me is this: Codependence and Addiction are simply two different branches on the same tree. The alcoholic has alcohol as the drug of choice, and the codependent has the alcoholic as the drug of choice. So, in these terms I guess a codependent is someone who is addicted to (can't stop) enabling.

I hope you can get a copy of the book because there is so much great information in there. Much more than could ever be covered in a thread on a forum.

L

cagefree

When I read "co-dependent no more", I thought - man, someone wrote a book about me!

The biggest aspects of Codependence I work to change are:
1. Not being able to validate myself, my opions, my self worth
2. Giving and doing for others at the expense of myself - and expecting for them to do the same for me (which is the cause of my resentment toward others)
3. Controlling others, wanting them to see things my way - right-fight.

LucyA

Thanks, to all of you. I'm almost sure now that I can't be described as codependant, but my parents, from what you've all said definately are. (My brother is my A by the way) Would the book be useful to me to help me understand why my parents do what they do for my brother? Is it still worth a read?

I have very definate boundaries where my brother and my parents are concerned, I don't know if theyre right or wrong but they're what I'm happy with - I don't help him in his addiction in any way, be it babysitting my nephew while his dad drinks (although I do look out for him in other ways), or even talking about him with my mum to make her 'feel better' about him, I just dont allow my brother to affect my life any more, and I feel strong enough to do that, but I acknowledge the fact that my parents arent.
Our conflicting attitudes have lead to some friction and atmosphere in the family and I'm looking for ways to get past this, without compromising my boundaries. Would the book be of use to me?

Astro

This is shared at the CoDA meeting I attend, I can relate to about 99.9% of it!

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.


Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.


Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.


Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependance is reprinted from the website Co-dependents Anonymous with permission of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. (CoDA, Inc). Permission to reprint this material does not mean that CoDA, Inc. has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that CoDA, Inc. agrees with the views expressed herein. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships and is not affiliated with any other 12 step program.

geees poncho

Here is a good referance point
www.mhafc.org/codependent.htm
or, Mental Health America of Franklin County (MHAFC)

LaTeeDa

Well, it's unclear to me what you mean by "get past this." But whether you mean changing them (your parents or your brother) or changing your attitude about it, I think the book would be helpful.

L

LucyA

By 'get past this' I mean the friction, I'm talking about my parents and I would like some kind of positive relationship with them, rather than them think I'm against them and my brother because I won't do as they do. If I can read something that helps me understand why they do what they do, or even if I read something that explains to me that I will never understand it, it might help our relationship.
I have no wish to change my parents, I love them as they are, but it hurts me to see them accepting my brothers behaviour towards them, and I probably hurt them at the moment as I'm sure they see me as unsupportive of him.

LaTeeDa

I also found Harriet Lerner's books helpful in dealing with family issues. She has several including "The Dance of Intimacy," "The Dance of Anger," and "The Dance of Fear."

L

Miss Pink

For me it means:

The alcoholic is addicted to alcohol
and I am addicted to HIM.

He was my oxygen, I had no life but him.

shadowwood

Lucy, I am going through very much the same thing right now with my mother and my AB. You may find that you will have to do what is right for YOU and not worry about what your parents think of you. I have chosen to distance myself from my mother because I just CAN'T continue to watch the madness, and I know it's not going to stop.

You may never be able to understand the little tango they are doing, but do all you can to avoid being sucked into it.