The Friends that left me...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 59
The Friends that left me...
You know during my wife's alcoholism (we're still together now) she was very abusive to me physically and verbally at times. Let's just say that many of my long-term friends noticed. Some instead of talking to me about it simply decided they would rather just not speak to me any more and avoid it altogether. A couple of these people were friends that I have been nothing but a brother to over the past 17 years of knowing them. I've been in their weddings, helped them whenever they needed it and just been a good friend. When they just quit emailing, inviting me and my wife to events and not returning my calls it just killed me inside. I couldn't understand why. It still hurts me so badly to this day. My wife has been through rehab, devoted herself to sobriety and is trying to mend her ways. I can't get the past back though. I never told these friends all I've been through with her after they stopped talking to me. I've been through hell and back and never mentioned a word about any of it to them. Luckily I did have some friends that did stay around and support me through all of this.
Now a close friend of all of ours is getting married in a few months. They'll all be at this wedding. I will be there too because this is one of the friends that never gave up on me through all I've been through with my wife. I can't tell you how upset I am at these few people though and how much I would like to just rip in to them and tell them how much I think they suck. Although I know it must have been easier to just let me go then talk to me about it. It still kills me inside.
Honestly them ditching me was a major motivator for me to make the hard decisions about my alcoholic and it could have been a blessing in disguise.
What would you do if you were me when I see them?
Now a close friend of all of ours is getting married in a few months. They'll all be at this wedding. I will be there too because this is one of the friends that never gave up on me through all I've been through with my wife. I can't tell you how upset I am at these few people though and how much I would like to just rip in to them and tell them how much I think they suck. Although I know it must have been easier to just let me go then talk to me about it. It still kills me inside.
Honestly them ditching me was a major motivator for me to make the hard decisions about my alcoholic and it could have been a blessing in disguise.
What would you do if you were me when I see them?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
What would you do if you were me when I see them?
You now know who your true friends are. The others could not understand and will never understand and they were not true 'friends.' Yes there is a difference.
I hope you have found Alanon. This will help you immensely in your own growth. I applaud you on 'sticking it out' that is a great accomplishment on its own. Alanon will help you in so many ways.
These "so called friends" that abandoned you are not 'friends' to begin with. One thing that dealing with addiction shows us, those of us addicted and our loved ones that stick it out...................................we learn who are TRUE FRIENDS are and who are just ouer acquaintances are.!!!! My true friends are still with me, those 'fair weather friends' are LONG GONE.
Please keep posting and let us know how your are doing, we do care!!!!!
Love and hugs,
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by faith12 
Honestly them ditching me was a major motivator for me to make the hard decisions about my alcoholic and it could have been a blessing in disguise.
What would you do if you were me when I see them?
As for what they did... They used boundaries to keep their space at peace. Your commitment to your wife and your sense of friendship... you just didn't do the same.
Will they return?
Maybe.
Some healing may be needed and that takes time.
When they see a continued recovery... they may return.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
It is possible that the friends you lost contact with withdrew because they saw a situation that they recognized they could do nothing about and rather than watch your pain, the whole alcohol infused situation, they decided they had to detach and not enable you in some way. A healthy reaction really and one many of us have or are trying to do with the alcoholic in our lives.
Of course it could also be that they acted because they just didn't want to be involved, wanted to avoid a bad situation or weren't good friends. There's no way of knowing what their motives were without asking them.
Their actions did end up helping you as you pointed out.
So when you see them say hello. See if you want to explore restoring the friendship or not. Do what you think is best for you just as they apparently did what they thought was best for them.
Of course it could also be that they acted because they just didn't want to be involved, wanted to avoid a bad situation or weren't good friends. There's no way of knowing what their motives were without asking them.
Their actions did end up helping you as you pointed out.
So when you see them say hello. See if you want to explore restoring the friendship or not. Do what you think is best for you just as they apparently did what they thought was best for them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
A lot of hurt feelings and misunderstandings in life are the result of ignorance,imho. I have seen it in the reactions/non-reactions of others in response to alcoholism,separation/divorce, and even my mom's terminal illness (cancer) and my miscarriages. As life has gone by,some have come up to me many years later,after finding themselves in a similar position, and apologized for not understanding at the time (when I was in what is now their circumstance).
Glad things are going better for you and your wife. I hope this is a chance to at least "break the ice" with these people, and let the future take care of itself. You may find you are happy to let them stay in the past,or it may be a chance for a new and different friendship.....who knows? Say "hello" and take it from there (and don't "up-stage the day" in drama
) especially since you will all be there to join in celebrating the joyful day of a mutual friend.
Who knows what was/is going on in another's life and how it is often human nature to see it in terms of being all about "us".
The truth will reveal itself. Hope you enjoy a wonderful day!
Glad things are going better for you and your wife. I hope this is a chance to at least "break the ice" with these people, and let the future take care of itself. You may find you are happy to let them stay in the past,or it may be a chance for a new and different friendship.....who knows? Say "hello" and take it from there (and don't "up-stage the day" in drama
) especially since you will all be there to join in celebrating the joyful day of a mutual friend.Who knows what was/is going on in another's life and how it is often human nature to see it in terms of being all about "us".
The truth will reveal itself. Hope you enjoy a wonderful day!
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
It was a huge realization for me when I suddenly looked at everyone around me and found that all of my relationships were codependent...especially my friendships. I gave and gave and *shocker* they didn't give back. The ones that went away and never came back, I let them go. The ones that stayed liked me more when I threw off my codenpendent blanket and it's all good. It made me angry - but like Denny said - step 4 really helped with that and I don't go out of my way for everyone these days 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
Some so-called 'friends' may have distanced themselves from you because acknowledging faults in your AW and in your relationship would mean acknowledging the same faults in their own lives...a form of denial that should not be lost on you, and in time, may not be lost on them...
Just a thought!
Just a thought!
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
Ditto on everything said so far. I also found that some of those friends came back to me later. What I learned is that their own damage/hurts caused them not to know what to do, but they could not watch what was happening to me. So they did nothing and distanced themselves.
While it did not feel good at the time, I cannot judge them for their actions in the past. I have to live in the present. I have had to let go of the hurts. To my surprise, some came back to me after I left my AH and they no longer felt the sting of his alcoholic behaviors.
That is just my story....hope it helps.
While it did not feel good at the time, I cannot judge them for their actions in the past. I have to live in the present. I have had to let go of the hurts. To my surprise, some came back to me after I left my AH and they no longer felt the sting of his alcoholic behaviors.
That is just my story....hope it helps.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Buffalo NY
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by Pick-a-name
As life has gone by,some have come up to me many years later,after finding themselves in a similar position, and apologized for not understanding at the time (when I was in what is now their circumstance).
Those lines on our faces, and the gray hairs, are scars we have earned.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 59
Thanks a ton for the input everyone as it helps a lot. I'm somewhat dreading the day I see them again and honestly should just let it go easy and skip the drama. I need to get over wanting to punish them I think. I honestly have become upset with my other friends that are still friends with them as well as with me today. I feel like they aren't being loyal to me for some reason inside. Yet I don't say that to them. That's probably just selfish on my part and I need to get over it instead of wanting people to take sides. Some times I'm ashamed of these feelings but can't help them.
The other part that is kind of painful is that my wife won't go to the wedding with me. She's too worried what the others will think of her from the past. Plus none of them know what she's gone through in recovery. Not to mention the last time we were at a friend's wedding she got drunk and tried to beat the crap out of me at the reception. It was a pretty memorable experience that horrified most there and was the apex of her alcoholism. I can do it all on my own but I really wish she'd be there with me. I'm proud of her now. Then again alcohol is completely abundant at weddings. It may not be the best for her in that respect either. I may just worry the entire time instead of have any fun.
The other part that is kind of painful is that my wife won't go to the wedding with me. She's too worried what the others will think of her from the past. Plus none of them know what she's gone through in recovery. Not to mention the last time we were at a friend's wedding she got drunk and tried to beat the crap out of me at the reception. It was a pretty memorable experience that horrified most there and was the apex of her alcoholism. I can do it all on my own but I really wish she'd be there with me. I'm proud of her now. Then again alcohol is completely abundant at weddings. It may not be the best for her in that respect either. I may just worry the entire time instead of have any fun.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
Faith - I do hope you are able to resolve your need 'to punish' them. Easier said than done, I know! I am just now beginning to understand how forgiveness is important in healing one's anger and resentments. I, too, struggle with an unhealthy 'need' to make others 'pay' for their unkindness.
In the end, all you can do is hold your head high, be proud of your wife and of YOURSELF, and just be you...you can't force yourself to move any faster to recovery nirvana any more than you can make your old 'friends' see the error of their ways in abandoning you during your time of need.
I hope you tell your wife exactly what you wrote above: that you want her to go to the wedding with you because you are proud of her. That fact, all by itself, would make me want to come along!!
In the end, all you can do is hold your head high, be proud of your wife and of YOURSELF, and just be you...you can't force yourself to move any faster to recovery nirvana any more than you can make your old 'friends' see the error of their ways in abandoning you during your time of need.
I hope you tell your wife exactly what you wrote above: that you want her to go to the wedding with you because you are proud of her. That fact, all by itself, would make me want to come along!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Perhaps this "scene" in your head from the last wedding reception is what is going round and round in your head and heart.
This upcoming wedding may just be the time and place to put it in the past. I am sure if these friends did not know then what was going on nor what has transpired,it could clear away a lot of "stuff" for them. (Kinda "explains" to me why they might have distanced themselves in the past.) I think I'd say,"wow........this reminds me of the last time;what a ride it's been since then" and how things have changed in a good way. jmho
Go and be happy for the couple and for you and your wife and all the improvements in your life. It's inspiring !
You may be an inspiration to someone else,too.who knows?
This upcoming wedding may just be the time and place to put it in the past. I am sure if these friends did not know then what was going on nor what has transpired,it could clear away a lot of "stuff" for them. (Kinda "explains" to me why they might have distanced themselves in the past.) I think I'd say,"wow........this reminds me of the last time;what a ride it's been since then" and how things have changed in a good way. jmho
Go and be happy for the couple and for you and your wife and all the improvements in your life. It's inspiring !
You may be an inspiration to someone else,too.who knows?
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by Pick-a-name
A lot of hurt feelings and misunderstandings in life are the result of ignorance,imho. I have seen it in the reactions/non-reactions of others in response to alcoholism,separation/divorce, and even my mom's terminal illness (cancer) and my miscarriages. As life has gone by,some have come up to me many years later,after finding themselves in a similar position, and apologized for not understanding at the time (when I was in what is now their circumstance).
Years later and I have spoken to two that now have a toddler of their own my daughter is now 9. They have both told me they have a new appreciation of what I went through on my own, how difficult it was for me and they should've been better friends. It was nice to hear, but I didn't rekindle my friendship with them because I felt that was moving backwards. I didn't want to be friends with people who could only be supportive of their friend if they had had a similar experience. I have better friends now!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Hi and welcome to SR! I can relate as my exabf's friends have nothing to do with him because of HIM, not me. Your friends may have become distant due to the circumstances and not you personally.
I'll tell you something i personally experienced. I had a best friend, we met years ago, went away on a trip with a bunch of girls, would go out on weekends, partied and partied till dawn. I personally am a social drinker. My friend drank to get trashed EVERY single occasion, every day and for the most part drank all day till we went out. Eventually i had to sever ties with her because it was WAY too difficult to be her friend. It wasn't because i didn't want to be friends or care about her, it became very hard and i just couldn't do it anymore. She was always drunk, never made sense, passed out in my car and wouldn't get out. It wasn't that i didn't love her to death a my best friend, I couldn't take anymore and watch her destroy herself anymore. She had a husband who was GREAT and had nothing against him at all and lost touch with him. It was because of her drinking that we no longer kept in contact. I was very sad to lose her but just couldn't do it. A couple of years later, we are best friends again. She went to rehab and just had her year of sobriety and we have had MUCH better times hanging out now than ever.
My point is, that your friends i don't think are intentionally trying to hurt you. It's just that sometimes it's hard as an outsider to understand. I personally just got out of a relationship with my boyfriend that was an alcoholic so i also saw the inside of the situation as well. We went to a wedding in May, he didn't want to go because the last wedding he with with all his friends and got so drunk no one could believe it. I told him he should go with his head healt high because within that year he had quit drinking. I told him that maybe his amends would be just going sober and being a good friend back. We went, they were all fine, had fun and it was a great day. I hope your wife decides to go with you
Have you talked to your friends about it? Al anon helped me too.
I'll tell you something i personally experienced. I had a best friend, we met years ago, went away on a trip with a bunch of girls, would go out on weekends, partied and partied till dawn. I personally am a social drinker. My friend drank to get trashed EVERY single occasion, every day and for the most part drank all day till we went out. Eventually i had to sever ties with her because it was WAY too difficult to be her friend. It wasn't because i didn't want to be friends or care about her, it became very hard and i just couldn't do it anymore. She was always drunk, never made sense, passed out in my car and wouldn't get out. It wasn't that i didn't love her to death a my best friend, I couldn't take anymore and watch her destroy herself anymore. She had a husband who was GREAT and had nothing against him at all and lost touch with him. It was because of her drinking that we no longer kept in contact. I was very sad to lose her but just couldn't do it. A couple of years later, we are best friends again. She went to rehab and just had her year of sobriety and we have had MUCH better times hanging out now than ever.
My point is, that your friends i don't think are intentionally trying to hurt you. It's just that sometimes it's hard as an outsider to understand. I personally just got out of a relationship with my boyfriend that was an alcoholic so i also saw the inside of the situation as well. We went to a wedding in May, he didn't want to go because the last wedding he with with all his friends and got so drunk no one could believe it. I told him he should go with his head healt high because within that year he had quit drinking. I told him that maybe his amends would be just going sober and being a good friend back. We went, they were all fine, had fun and it was a great day. I hope your wife decides to go with you
Have you talked to your friends about it? Al anon helped me too.
Last edited by hbb; 01-15-2008 at 07:29 AM.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by cagefree
It was a huge realization for me when I suddenly looked at everyone around me and found that all of my relationships were codependent...especially my friendships. I gave and gave and *shocker* they didn't give back. The ones that went away and never came back, I let them go. The ones that stayed liked me more when I threw off my codenpendent blanket and it's all good. It made me angry - but like Denny said - step 4 really helped with that and I don't go out of my way for everyone these days
It was a big eye opener for me as well. Those that I gave most to were the one's who were gone the quickest. Talk about some resentment. For quite some time I thought about all of the horrible things I would say to them when they decided to contact me again. I longed to give them a good dressing down. Now I'm just thrilled that I don't have that extra baggage associated with being their friend.
Not a bad place to be....
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: LOUISIANA
Posts: 179
Let them go....
This is how I feel about the people who walk away from me during the times that I needed them the most.....
LET IT GO......
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this. When people can walk away from you, let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, "they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. " [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when a person's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay...LET THEM GO!!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you...LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship...LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed ...LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying,
"Take your hands off of it," then you need to...LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing and it's time to release and let go of the old...LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left...think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.
LET IT GO
LET IT GO......
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this. When people can walk away from you, let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, "they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. " [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when a person's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay...LET THEM GO!!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you...LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship...LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed ...LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying,
"Take your hands off of it," then you need to...LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing and it's time to release and let go of the old...LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left...think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.
LET IT GO
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