BBD

As I have posted during the week, we haven't seen or heard from our son since Wed. I know to most of you that would seem normal but since his rehab he has been keeping in touch daily. (almost))...... His phone is going to voicemail automatically(sp)) and I'm a wreck. My husband and I talked today and we were going to check him out at his apartment (1/2 hour away)) and decided not to. He lives alone and the one fear that is killing me is that something has happened. I need some reasurrance here that we have made the best choice. Is he detaching from me?? My conselor has told me repeatedly to let go. This is so hard for me.........what if?? what if???? But, if nothing changes, nothing changes, right???? And I know I need to change. Talk to me ~~~~my stomach is in a knot!! Smiles, Bonnie

ctrom40

Bonnie,

I have no great advice, I am a new rider on this rollercoaster.

As the mother of 2 addicted children, I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain.


Hugs,
Colleen

marle

I went from seeing my daughter and talking to her daily to not seeing her for 7+ months. I worried too but realized that I needed that time to work on me so I did not try to get in touch with her very often. When I texted her, she would answer but it did not make me feel any better because I realized that the feeling of relief was only momentary. I just had to let her go. It is still a struggle some days but addiction is progressive and so is the deterioration in the relationship with the addict. The further they sink into addiction, the less contact. It is what it is and all the worry in the world will only change one thing. That thing is your health, happiness and well being. If you are truly worried about your son, then take that trip. Something might have happened and your mind need to be eased. You may just find that he prefers no contact right now. Then you will know not to be as worried in the future. Hugs, Marle

ms.sunshine

my mom put me in rehab and now im living on my own as well so i know how it is from the other spectrum, but I can definately appreciate your side. its really not in your hands what your son is doing and i would say to just try your best to stay busy w/ your own life. He needs to live his and whether he is doing the right thing or the wrong thing, it's important for it to be his thing. That way he can learn from it on his own. Worrying is just a waste of energy and when you're focused on him, its easy to forget about yourself and what you need or want to do. I spent a lot of wasted energy on other people so I know how that can be...Just remember that you are powerless over him. The only thing/person you can control is yourself, so stay strong and keep your focus where it needs to be.

marle

You could always call the local police department, explain the situation, and have them make a wellness call. I did that with my daughter once, she was mad at me but got over it and learned to answer my calls or texting because she did not want that to happen again. Hugs, Marle

BBD

Thanks marle and ms.sunshine~~~ My son put himself in rehab and it just really makes me sad to think that he may enter that world again. I'm going to let this go till Tuesday and then I'll go out to see if I can see him. If he's not home then its in his hands. I know I have to center pon myself but I'm so into everyone elses happiness. I have a great life, a great husband, another son thats doiong well and grandkids that are the apples of my eye........I just want Chris happy and I know he's the only one that can do that for himself. Thanks for responding. Smiles, Bonnie

BBD

I thought of that merle~~~If his truck is home Tuesday morning (only cause I have a Dr's appointment Monday morning))))) and he doesn't answer the Door I will call the police to assist me. God~~~~let that not happen!!! Thanx~~

grateful2b

oh Bonnie...there are so many parents here who can identify with how you are feeling right this moment. Learning to let go of my AD has been a difficult and painful process for me but I know the brutal truth that If I don't, it ain't gonna get any better AND it may take a long time until it does get better, but it is not up to me anymore. She is my only child and we were sooo close. It is tough and hard and heart wrenching, but apart from the obvious, I have to remember that she does NEED to live her own life, good or bad and its scary for us , the fear we feel for our children is a killer. My way of dealing is to deal with the codie stuff daily, and maintain some perspective and not let what I don't know and what I can't control, drive me mad. You have been told to let go and yes, that is what you must do, but it is not that simple and we all know that. It is a humbling daily struggle and a process you can move through with the help the good folks here and some alanon meetings. This is just too tough to do without some support from people going through it too. So keep posting and hang in there and go and see if he is okay if you need to but keep practicing letting go cuz that's what he needs from you right now. Don't let the whatifs rule...
grateful

BBD

Thanks grateful~~I guess "us" moms do habe to stick together here and I am so grateful for this site. Is it a habit here at all to exchange phone #'s after a while. Kinda like phone buddies for support?? Hugs, Bonnie

laurie6781

Bonnie I will tell you what happened to me.

My parents had reached the end of their rope. I was 33 1/2 years old and they said no more. I could not call, they would hang up (and they did) and if I came to the door it would be closed in my face (and it was). I was told it was my problem and I would have to take care of it.

My mom did not hear from me for 3 years. It took me 2 1/2 years to reach my bottom, the last 1 1/2 living on the streets of Hollyweird. I found sobriety 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday. I waited. I did not call mom until I had 6 months.

When she answered I said "I am 6 months sober, please do not hang up." She said "OH?"

So I proceeded to tell her, how I had been in a recovery home for alcoholic women and now had my own apartment was attending 1 meeting a day during the week and 2 to 3 meetings on the weekends, had a good job, etc. and slowly our relationship changed and became a good one.

It was later I found out, that they knew if they did not let me go, that both mom and day were about to end up in a padded cell in a psych ward. She never stopped loving me, but she had to give me to her HP and just hope for the best. It was that or her sanity.

I say this from the heart, maybe it is time for you to let Chris's HP take care of him. You are driving yourself INSANE.

Are you attending any Alanon meetings? They do help. I understand your fears, and someday I will explain why, but not now and not on this thread.

I do believe if you are this worried, just call the police that have jurisdiction where he lives and ask them to do a wellness check, explaining that you normally hear from him or talk to him daily and it has been since wednesday. The police are more than willing to do that.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care.

Love and hugs,

grateful2b

I haven't hear yet ...pm me if you like, I'm directly overhead you in canada, and maybe we can hook up over ma bell, absolutely
grateful

BBD

Thanks laurie~Your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm so happy your on a wonderful road now and that your parents can sleep well at night and can be proud of you. I am seeing a therapist and going to alanon meetings.I have handed Chris over to his HP but I think my problem is ~~I keep taking him back. It's slowly setting in with all the posts on here that I do have to LET GO!!! Sure wish your mom was my neighbor..LOL Take it easy hon and thanks again. Smiles, Bonnie

Done_With_It

(((BBD)))

I feel like the others do you have to do what you need to do, when you feel like you need to check on him, then that is what you need to do.
Addiction is a Very Selfish thing, and it sucks that he won't let you know he is okay. I disagree that you have to just 'leave him alone' and focus on you and wonder if he's alive or not because he's trying to recover and needs his time. A mom can't help but worry sometimes, no one can tell you how to feel. He's taken enough away from you already. No mother should have to wonder if her son is alive or not. If you feel like you need to check on him, Then Check, Check yourself do a wellness check like Marle suggested, whatever. If you don't, then don't.
Do what YOU need do to do. This part of the addiction, not letting your parents know if you are okay or whatever is the worst part, most selfish part of the addiction there is, it makes me furious.
I am sorry you have to deal with all of this addiction sucks..
There are some great people on here, you will find a second family on here.
:ghug3

BBD

I think I have found a second family on here. Your all so wonderful......

Spiritual Seeker

Yes it will be terrible if he relapses but you are powerless over it.
Why are you making yourself sick with worry?
You are hoping to control it?
It is healthy for a grown man to detach from his mother.
Their lifestyle can make us sick. We have to fight against being drug down with them.
Sometimes all we can do is hope for the best.

BigSis

Hey Bonnie - pull up a chair and grab a cuppa coffee...and relax. You are among friends... friends who really, really understand.

When I first got into recovery, I heard the "rule" - "Hands off the addict!!" It was hard for me to understand... and for many of us to understand. Because of that, it was often stated absolutely and LOUDLY to me.

So I considered it as "THE ONLY WAY TO GET MY KID SOBER!!!" ... here's the thing -

We can't get our kids sober.... No. Matter. What. We. Do.


So. If you need to check on Chris in order to sleep well at night - then go check on him and then get yourself to bed... you hear me?

Like many anons, I have that "black and white" thinking...there is a wrong way and a right way... and very little gray area. As I have been in program a while, I can see where I have gotten stronger on my boundaries with my addict kids - but guess what? It didn't happen all at once, because MY condition of codependency is VERY MUCH like their condition of addiction.

They lie to me (I won't, I haven't, Of course Not! How could you think that...).
I lie to them (I won't tolerate, ... Never again! .... this is the last time... How could you!).

They have compulsive behaviors (drug seeking)
I have compulsive behaviors (double checking and reassurances and spying)

They have obsessive thinking (cravings)
I have obsessive thinking (worrying ALL the time about [fill in the blank]

They had to hear how to do it... over and over.
I had to hear "how" to do it... over and over.

They had to make little changes, at first.
I had to make little changes, at first.

They have to work their sobriety every day.
I have to work MY program every day.

They relapse.
I relapse.


Soooo much alike. And until I got into Alanon - I truly believed THEY had the problem!!

But you can do this, Bonnie. You are taking small steps, and those are exactly right for you tonight. Don't beat yourself up for not being perfect... there is no such thing as a perfect program.



((((hugs)))))

BBD

Thanks for the pep talk BigSis~~I needed that. I was really feeling pretty low this afternoon but after all these heartfelt posts and a chat on the phone with one of the great women here I feel a bit better. Still teary-eyed and sad but tomorrows another day. My hubby and I are going to take a ride to Chris's tomorrow afternoon just to check on him. If he's not there, I'll leave a note~then I am going to 2 meetings this week~ and try to control this feeling of loss. Thats exactly how I feel. I know I can't control any of this anymore and that realization is hitting HARD!!! Smiles, Bonnie

Spiritual Seeker

Bonnie- Hoping it gets easier this week. Having my own addict son for 6 yrs. now I know there will be good and bad weeks depending on how well I do putting it out of my mind.
No doubt about it we have sadness and anxiety. Luckily, we have our community here to express ourselves and get the pep talks like the one BigSis gave
which was AWESOME.