Stuck in the middle
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Stuck in the middle
I'm trying to figure how to not make this a novel. 
My son and his family live with my husband and I as they were having financial difficulties. Recently we found out my son was doing drugs. He had an encounter in the past when he was a teen also. We thought he was all done with that drug chapter in his life (pot, being a teen, etc.). Thought it was teen experimenting, etc.
A few weeks ago he was in a car accident and from the blood work we found out he was using drugs again. After he recovered from the accident (concussion) he went through withdrawal and seemed to be depressed but not using. He began eating again, looking for work, etc. I was cautiously optimistic that this woke him up and he might want to clean up his act. I think it may have but then again I'm not sure. The problem now is that he is having marital difficulties because of his drug use. He has one natural child and one step child who also live with us (ages 2 & 8). I am sympathetic to his wife. When there is a problem we have to solve together she talks to me and seems very sensible. But between problems she isn't mean but she just doesn't talk much. She just acts moody maybe or maybe rude is the right word. Where most people do some small talk to be polite she barely speaks around the house, goes to her room, etc. I guess I'm saying I just don't understand her personality. I don't know her all that well even after 2 years. They did not live with us all that time either. Other relatives often wonder if she likes them or not so it's not just me. She's not a warm type person but that's okay. She loves her children and does right by my granddaughter and her son. Also she acted this way before we found out he was using drugs just to explain.
Today was a horrible day but the bottom line is that I feel stuck in the middle of their mess. On one hand my son says butt out and believe me I'd like to. On the other hand, they've said horrible things in front of the children. So I took the children out and that helps temporarily but I can't take them out all day. I don't want to be involved but they're fighting here. She claims she has nowhere to go but her mom lives closeby. From what I can tell I think mom is kind of fed up with her as she lived with her mom with her son before my son met her. She's a good person I think but her mom wants her own life and had her daughter with one child and now I'm guessing doesn't want two children and her problems again....
I think my son maybe has drank in the last day or so. I think he may be substituting drinking for pot/cocaine or whatever he was on. Plus I know he is seeing druggie friends. When I talk to her I agree with her and when I talk to him I want to believe him but my gut tells me he is lying at least some. Other things I believe.
Finally she got mad at me tonight and I finally figured out what she was thinking. She wants me to kick him out and let her stay cause she has the kids. Also I think if she would stop nagging/pressuring him he might be able to make some progress but I am NOT saying she is responsible for him using or anything like that. She isn't. Then she said she does that cause that's what he needs and I'm being too nice...maybe I'm enabling? She might be right. Then she does stupid things too like gets in his face and tells him he owes her money when she knows he has none to give her. She tells him he'll never see his kids again and all the bad stuff that people say when they're angry. I know she's angry and has every right to be. But still....I feel like saying give it a rest already. He feels bad enough.
I feel stuck in the middle. Right now she is at her mom's for tonight. I'm not sure where he is. When I left them they were in my driveway talking and locked in each others arms hugging!
There is a lot more but I think you get the picture.
We all know they need to be out of my house. She says when she gets her tax refund she is moving 6 hours away with a relative. But they go back and forth. We're getting divorced, we're hugging, we love each other, we hate each other, she's moving, she's staying and they're talking about how to get their own place. The madness just goes on and on and on...
I feel like if I kick my son out then I'm not believing him and he may go live with a druggie friend. But so what if he does I'm thinking. I can't go on like this. What do I owe her as she is the mother of my grandchildren?
I don't want this drama! Any suggestions? I want THEM to come to a conclusion. I swear I try to stay out of it but they're slamming doors around me, having fights in my front yard with neighbors watching not to mention their children. My husband is mostly working but has been doing a lot when he is home and keeping me sane on the phone. He has two full time jobs!
Thanks for letting me vent.
KariSue
My son and his family live with my husband and I as they were having financial difficulties. Recently we found out my son was doing drugs. He had an encounter in the past when he was a teen also. We thought he was all done with that drug chapter in his life (pot, being a teen, etc.). Thought it was teen experimenting, etc.
A few weeks ago he was in a car accident and from the blood work we found out he was using drugs again. After he recovered from the accident (concussion) he went through withdrawal and seemed to be depressed but not using. He began eating again, looking for work, etc. I was cautiously optimistic that this woke him up and he might want to clean up his act. I think it may have but then again I'm not sure. The problem now is that he is having marital difficulties because of his drug use. He has one natural child and one step child who also live with us (ages 2 & 8). I am sympathetic to his wife. When there is a problem we have to solve together she talks to me and seems very sensible. But between problems she isn't mean but she just doesn't talk much. She just acts moody maybe or maybe rude is the right word. Where most people do some small talk to be polite she barely speaks around the house, goes to her room, etc. I guess I'm saying I just don't understand her personality. I don't know her all that well even after 2 years. They did not live with us all that time either. Other relatives often wonder if she likes them or not so it's not just me. She's not a warm type person but that's okay. She loves her children and does right by my granddaughter and her son. Also she acted this way before we found out he was using drugs just to explain.
Today was a horrible day but the bottom line is that I feel stuck in the middle of their mess. On one hand my son says butt out and believe me I'd like to. On the other hand, they've said horrible things in front of the children. So I took the children out and that helps temporarily but I can't take them out all day. I don't want to be involved but they're fighting here. She claims she has nowhere to go but her mom lives closeby. From what I can tell I think mom is kind of fed up with her as she lived with her mom with her son before my son met her. She's a good person I think but her mom wants her own life and had her daughter with one child and now I'm guessing doesn't want two children and her problems again....
I think my son maybe has drank in the last day or so. I think he may be substituting drinking for pot/cocaine or whatever he was on. Plus I know he is seeing druggie friends. When I talk to her I agree with her and when I talk to him I want to believe him but my gut tells me he is lying at least some. Other things I believe.
Finally she got mad at me tonight and I finally figured out what she was thinking. She wants me to kick him out and let her stay cause she has the kids. Also I think if she would stop nagging/pressuring him he might be able to make some progress but I am NOT saying she is responsible for him using or anything like that. She isn't. Then she said she does that cause that's what he needs and I'm being too nice...maybe I'm enabling? She might be right. Then she does stupid things too like gets in his face and tells him he owes her money when she knows he has none to give her. She tells him he'll never see his kids again and all the bad stuff that people say when they're angry. I know she's angry and has every right to be. But still....I feel like saying give it a rest already. He feels bad enough.
I feel stuck in the middle. Right now she is at her mom's for tonight. I'm not sure where he is. When I left them they were in my driveway talking and locked in each others arms hugging!
There is a lot more but I think you get the picture.
We all know they need to be out of my house. She says when she gets her tax refund she is moving 6 hours away with a relative. But they go back and forth. We're getting divorced, we're hugging, we love each other, we hate each other, she's moving, she's staying and they're talking about how to get their own place. The madness just goes on and on and on...
I feel like if I kick my son out then I'm not believing him and he may go live with a druggie friend. But so what if he does I'm thinking. I can't go on like this. What do I owe her as she is the mother of my grandchildren?
I don't want this drama! Any suggestions? I want THEM to come to a conclusion. I swear I try to stay out of it but they're slamming doors around me, having fights in my front yard with neighbors watching not to mention their children. My husband is mostly working but has been doing a lot when he is home and keeping me sane on the phone. He has two full time jobs!
Thanks for letting me vent.
KariSue
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
KariSue,
Welcome to SR. There's great support here, so I hope you'll stick around, read and post some more. If you haven't already read the "stickies" at the top of the page, do so. There's great info in them.
I'd recommend you try and find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting in your town and attend. We say attend at least six meetings before you decide it's not for you. Meetings have helped me tremendously and I know I'd still be miserable if I hadn't added them to my life.
One of the best things I've learned in MY recovery (I'm recovering because my daughter is an addict. She is addicted to drugs and I am addicted to her.)is to set my boundaries. I had to learn that my daughter living in my home only caused both of us great stress. You son is an adult, so I think you must treat him as one despite his using. Maybe give them a deadline to be out of your house, say 2 weeks.
Bottom line is your son will never get back into his recovery as long as you make his life comfortable while he is using. And I say that with such love because I have been that mother who was the chief enabler.
KariSue, you say you're stuck in the middle. Well, no one can move you but yourself. You can take yourself out as soon as chose to do so. It took me a while to realize that, but it's true. I learned about the "truth" of recovery at meetings and on this board. I hope you'll find a meeting.
Hugs and prayers for you and your family,
Hangin' In
Welcome to SR. There's great support here, so I hope you'll stick around, read and post some more. If you haven't already read the "stickies" at the top of the page, do so. There's great info in them.
I'd recommend you try and find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting in your town and attend. We say attend at least six meetings before you decide it's not for you. Meetings have helped me tremendously and I know I'd still be miserable if I hadn't added them to my life.
One of the best things I've learned in MY recovery (I'm recovering because my daughter is an addict. She is addicted to drugs and I am addicted to her.)is to set my boundaries. I had to learn that my daughter living in my home only caused both of us great stress. You son is an adult, so I think you must treat him as one despite his using. Maybe give them a deadline to be out of your house, say 2 weeks.
Bottom line is your son will never get back into his recovery as long as you make his life comfortable while he is using. And I say that with such love because I have been that mother who was the chief enabler.
KariSue, you say you're stuck in the middle. Well, no one can move you but yourself. You can take yourself out as soon as chose to do so. It took me a while to realize that, but it's true. I learned about the "truth" of recovery at meetings and on this board. I hope you'll find a meeting.
Hugs and prayers for you and your family,
Hangin' In
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((KariSue))))
I am sorry you are going thru this. It sounds pretty nerve racking. I think it would be good if you could think about you and your H and what ya'll need.
I guess if she moved 6 hours away it would make seeing your grands more difficult. I think I would need space from this situation. I am glad she went to here mom's house for the night.
I am in a relationship with an addict and I know about the rocking back and forth thing. I do the same thing. It makes me crazy I am glad that I don't have anyone else around to see me going thru this on a daily basis.
I guess the only way you will get out of the middle of this short of you moving is to ask them to leave...take care of yourself.
I am sorry you are going thru this. It sounds pretty nerve racking. I think it would be good if you could think about you and your H and what ya'll need.
I guess if she moved 6 hours away it would make seeing your grands more difficult. I think I would need space from this situation. I am glad she went to here mom's house for the night.
I am in a relationship with an addict and I know about the rocking back and forth thing. I do the same thing. It makes me crazy I am glad that I don't have anyone else around to see me going thru this on a daily basis.
I guess the only way you will get out of the middle of this short of you moving is to ask them to leave...take care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Thanks and I will look for a meeting. In fact, I looked and found one close to me. They meet on Wednesdays so I'll call and see if I can just show up or what.
Do you mean you would tell him to leave and let her stay?
After having such a horrible day today with all of their garbage, I'd like them all out. I just feel she could stay with her mom. Honestly, I think I'd like them both out is how I'm feeling right now. I'll see how my husband feels.
I think maybe my husband and I may be enabling him. It's hard to see where the line is between enabling and giving him one last chance. Up to now we have been telling him that it is his last chance. We helped him out with his teen stuff and have set down some guidelines such as should he get arrested we would not bail him out, hire a lawyer, etc. Been there, done that. I guess we're willing to give him one more chance because we love him plus we have grandchildren in the mix.
This is definitely hard to figure out.
Thank you for your advice. I really will think about what you said.
KariSue
Do you mean you would tell him to leave and let her stay?
After having such a horrible day today with all of their garbage, I'd like them all out. I just feel she could stay with her mom. Honestly, I think I'd like them both out is how I'm feeling right now. I'll see how my husband feels.
I think maybe my husband and I may be enabling him. It's hard to see where the line is between enabling and giving him one last chance. Up to now we have been telling him that it is his last chance. We helped him out with his teen stuff and have set down some guidelines such as should he get arrested we would not bail him out, hire a lawyer, etc. Been there, done that. I guess we're willing to give him one more chance because we love him plus we have grandchildren in the mix.
This is definitely hard to figure out.
Thank you for your advice. I really will think about what you said.
KariSue
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
KariSue,
Oh yes, it's very hard to distinguish between enabling and helping. A good definition someone told me for enabling is this: Doing for someone what they could and should be doing for themself.
One of the wonderful things I've learned through going to Al Anon is about setting boundaries. Boundaries are about me and what is good for me. They are not about controlling the addicted loved one. (And oh, how I loved to control, but it just didn't work. My AD wouldn't do what I said no matter how hard I tried, talked, guilted, whined, threatened, cried, etc.)
No one here can tell you what to do. In recovery we offer our experience, strength and hope and then you can decide what you want to do. That is one of the very best things about meetings. I can go and listen to people who have been walking this road a lot longer than I have. I listen to them and see how they have handled things. I decide what is best for me and my household and then maybe try something they have done in their recovery. And, boy, has that helped me. I just can't tell you how grateful I am for the people in my Al Anon group. They have been there for me, loved me through all my anger, fears, guilt, resentment, etc.
I think it's a good idea for you and your husband to decide what you both want. Remember the 3 C's where your son is concerned: You didn't CAUSE his addiction, you can't CURE it and you can't CONTROL it.
I just know the sooner I started treating my AD like the adult that she is and stopped with the enabling, things began to turn around. Of course there are no guarantees, KariSue, but I was so miserable with the way I was living that I was willing to try it someone else's way. I'm so thankful I did.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
P.S. I wish I had counted them. I think I gave my daughter at least 10 "last chances". Write this down. THAT was enabling!
Oh yes, it's very hard to distinguish between enabling and helping. A good definition someone told me for enabling is this: Doing for someone what they could and should be doing for themself.
One of the wonderful things I've learned through going to Al Anon is about setting boundaries. Boundaries are about me and what is good for me. They are not about controlling the addicted loved one. (And oh, how I loved to control, but it just didn't work. My AD wouldn't do what I said no matter how hard I tried, talked, guilted, whined, threatened, cried, etc.)
No one here can tell you what to do. In recovery we offer our experience, strength and hope and then you can decide what you want to do. That is one of the very best things about meetings. I can go and listen to people who have been walking this road a lot longer than I have. I listen to them and see how they have handled things. I decide what is best for me and my household and then maybe try something they have done in their recovery. And, boy, has that helped me. I just can't tell you how grateful I am for the people in my Al Anon group. They have been there for me, loved me through all my anger, fears, guilt, resentment, etc.
I think it's a good idea for you and your husband to decide what you both want. Remember the 3 C's where your son is concerned: You didn't CAUSE his addiction, you can't CURE it and you can't CONTROL it.
I just know the sooner I started treating my AD like the adult that she is and stopped with the enabling, things began to turn around. Of course there are no guarantees, KariSue, but I was so miserable with the way I was living that I was willing to try it someone else's way. I'm so thankful I did.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
P.S. I wish I had counted them. I think I gave my daughter at least 10 "last chances". Write this down. THAT was enabling!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Thanks for the well wishes and hugs Splendra.
I'm not too worried about not being able to see the grandkids as much as I am getting this chaos out of my house. I'm just a little concerned about my son thinking we are deserting him in his time of need and our daughter in law thinking we are putting the mom of her grandchildren out on the street with our grandchildren. BUT if I tell them all to leave, that might be a better solution. I know the grandchildren will have a safe place to stay with their other grandmother or maybe it would wake my son up to do more also.
I'll have a talk with my husband and we'll figure something out.
This board sure is a soft place to land! At least I can get it out and get ideas.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this addiction thing in your relationship. I think a group hug is in order, lol. Thanks!
KariSue
I'm not too worried about not being able to see the grandkids as much as I am getting this chaos out of my house. I'm just a little concerned about my son thinking we are deserting him in his time of need and our daughter in law thinking we are putting the mom of her grandchildren out on the street with our grandchildren. BUT if I tell them all to leave, that might be a better solution. I know the grandchildren will have a safe place to stay with their other grandmother or maybe it would wake my son up to do more also.
I'll have a talk with my husband and we'll figure something out.
This board sure is a soft place to land! At least I can get it out and get ideas.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this addiction thing in your relationship. I think a group hug is in order, lol. Thanks!
KariSue
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
I really do hear you. Really, really. Especially the "10 last chances" part.
I like the definition of enabling. My problem was that I wasn't sure he could do it himself. I have no experience with the whole addiction thing. I have never even drank or been drunk. It just never appealed to me. But once I had a situational type depression. I remember then that I 'couldn't' or didn't feel I could get out of it by myself. I went to counseling and had some anti depressants prescribed to get me "over the hump." My situation improved and that was the end of all that BUT during that time I felt like I was in some kind of hole and needed help climbing out. I imagine that is what he must feel like so I wanted to help him climb out. Now I'm not so sure. I think he may be conning me and if I think that then he probably is. So maybe it is time to tell him to leave.
Anyway, we'll figure this out and I appreciate all your help. You seem very nice and you have learned a lot. I'm a newbie! Too bad us nice people have to put up with this. I wonder what causes addictive personalities anyway.
KariSue
I like the definition of enabling. My problem was that I wasn't sure he could do it himself. I have no experience with the whole addiction thing. I have never even drank or been drunk. It just never appealed to me. But once I had a situational type depression. I remember then that I 'couldn't' or didn't feel I could get out of it by myself. I went to counseling and had some anti depressants prescribed to get me "over the hump." My situation improved and that was the end of all that BUT during that time I felt like I was in some kind of hole and needed help climbing out. I imagine that is what he must feel like so I wanted to help him climb out. Now I'm not so sure. I think he may be conning me and if I think that then he probably is. So maybe it is time to tell him to leave.
Anyway, we'll figure this out and I appreciate all your help. You seem very nice and you have learned a lot. I'm a newbie! Too bad us nice people have to put up with this. I wonder what causes addictive personalities anyway.
KariSue
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R.,u have come to the right place. i am sorry for all you are going thru. the experience i have had with my addict son is "hands off the addict". i know it is hard with them in your house, until you can decide what to do set the boundries as the others have suggested. read "what addicts do" at the top of the forum. your son is an addict so you can not believe a thing he says.it is hell living with an addict so i understand the drama going on at your house. you are not responsiable for anyone other than yourself. you did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it.your d.i.l. is probley a quite girl with alot of problems & you take it as rude.try to keep the focus on you & what is good for you. your husband does not need as this drama after working all those hrs. either.keep coming back & let us know how u are. i am saying prayers for you & your family. hugs,
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
KariSue,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. You sure must havealot of patience, cause I could never put up with that commotion going on around me!
The bottom line is...you do not HAVE to provide for either of them. I can understand maing sure your grandchild is fed, but other than that, you're taking on THEIR responsibilities.
Start putting the focus on you, and give them a date they are to move, and keep that boundary.
Meetings are SO important. They give you strength, and you learn alot from others experience.
Keep posting, we're all here for you
P.S. I am the mother of 2 addict sons...one sober. One not too sober...
Welcome to Sober Recovery. You sure must havealot of patience, cause I could never put up with that commotion going on around me!
The bottom line is...you do not HAVE to provide for either of them. I can understand maing sure your grandchild is fed, but other than that, you're taking on THEIR responsibilities.
Start putting the focus on you, and give them a date they are to move, and keep that boundary.
Meetings are SO important. They give you strength, and you learn alot from others experience.
Keep posting, we're all here for you
P.S. I am the mother of 2 addict sons...one sober. One not too sober...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Thank you so much for your concern.
I think you are right about "keep your hands off the addict". I think I did that today. It's a start. I went out to put gas in the car (I gave him gas money yesterday and let him drive the car). So the gas was on Empty. Hmmm, wonder where the gas money went.... Anyway I see his wife's moms car in our driveway and I go in. I hear his wife waking him up yelling that she brought his daughter as he was supposed to watch her so why did he stay out late the night before, blah, blah, blah. I shut the door and left and went to the park. I don't want to always have to leave the house but it worked this time. I don't think he will use my car anymore either. I may take him somewhere but not let him take it out on his own.
My gut feeling about his wife is not that she is quiet but I could see where someone could think that. She was a handful herself in the past as I hear and my friend has always called her a "piece of work." Haha. I've always had the "She is my daughter in law so I'll bend over backwards to get along" attitude. Others have told me she is cool or rude but I have always brushed that aside as we are family now. Either way both my son and her are immature in many ways and I'm going to try to be the mature one as much as possible. She has a lot to deal with so I'm hoping we can get along.
KariSue
I think you are right about "keep your hands off the addict". I think I did that today. It's a start. I went out to put gas in the car (I gave him gas money yesterday and let him drive the car). So the gas was on Empty. Hmmm, wonder where the gas money went.... Anyway I see his wife's moms car in our driveway and I go in. I hear his wife waking him up yelling that she brought his daughter as he was supposed to watch her so why did he stay out late the night before, blah, blah, blah. I shut the door and left and went to the park. I don't want to always have to leave the house but it worked this time. I don't think he will use my car anymore either. I may take him somewhere but not let him take it out on his own.
My gut feeling about his wife is not that she is quiet but I could see where someone could think that. She was a handful herself in the past as I hear and my friend has always called her a "piece of work." Haha. I've always had the "She is my daughter in law so I'll bend over backwards to get along" attitude. Others have told me she is cool or rude but I have always brushed that aside as we are family now. Either way both my son and her are immature in many ways and I'm going to try to be the mature one as much as possible. She has a lot to deal with so I'm hoping we can get along.
KariSue
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Well Diane, it hasn't been that long but it's wearing thin fast.
I think the date is a good idea. I do think the strength of others will be good for me. My husband is not the "talk it out" type he says but I'll go myself. I am so thankful I have him. He is great. He grew up with an alcoholic mother and he seems to be the only person my son listens to.
KariSue
I think the date is a good idea. I do think the strength of others will be good for me. My husband is not the "talk it out" type he says but I'll go myself. I am so thankful I have him. He is great. He grew up with an alcoholic mother and he seems to be the only person my son listens to.
KariSue
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