tay-lyn

I am so desperate to quit drinking. It doesn't matter how much I regret the last time I drank, I still manage to pick up another. As strong as my resolve is to quit and never drink again....I still do. I am so frustrated and disappointed with myself. I couldn't feel worse. I'm 37 years old and have been drinking for 20 years, and trying to quit for 20 years. It doesn't matter how hard I hit bottom, I still get back up and pick up a drink. It doesn't matter how important something or someone is to me, I still pick up a drink knowing it will affect that something or someone. I tell myself I don't want to have that drink, I tell myself "DON'T DO IT!", but then I go into Auto-pilot and forge ahead and take that drink. Although I don't drink everyday, once I start, I don't stop. I hurry up and finish the drink I have, so that I can get another. I am heart-sick with regret and feel so lonely. I am tired of trying to make a change. I am tired of failing. I am tired of feeling so hopeless about myself. I am tired of being tired. I feel like there are two people inside of me....this one who I am right now, the one who wants sobriety so much, and then the other person....the one who turns off all reason and logic and picks up a drink at any cost, when she comes out, I have no control over her. I want this ache inside me to stop. I want to feel better. I want to get sober and stay sober.

Anna

Hi Tay-lyn,

You can recover and move forward in your life. There is always lots of hope.

Stopping drinking is really hard and it takes a lot more than just resolving not to drink. Stopping drinking is the beginning of the journey. What happens next is what will keep you sober. For me, I had to really look at myself, deeply and honestly and accept that I was not the person I pretended to be. I had to look at the people in my life, some of who were very toxic, and realize they were in my life because I was attracting that kind of person. I had to let those people go and open myself up to what would come along. I guess what I'm saying is that staying sober involves making a lot of changes in your life. So, keep moving forward and I hope you continue to post.

nogard

Hi Tay-lyn,

Welcome to SR Coming here is corageous and is a step toward sobriety. Keep coming and posting and as Anna said there is so much hope, keep reaching out.

Kevin

tay-lyn

Thanks Anna, the encouragement is needed, and much appreciated. I know the drill......I have quit before, I've done the self-searching, I've made changes in my life, I've been down the AA path, I've gotten sober a few times and I've stayed sober for up to nine months. But in the end, I always end up picking up again. I can't manage to stay sober. I am so afraid of ending up like my mother, she has been a drunk as long as I have been alive and I always wonder how she can continue to drink despite all she has been through due to her drinking. It is so easy for me to take her inventory and yet, I am turning out to be just like her. It makes me sick to my stomach. You make a good point about 'pretending' because I seem to do that. Although I put my Mother down for what she does, I pretend that I am nothing like her when in fact I am. I am so afraid of spending my WHOLE life being a drunk. I've already spent more than half that way. I have absolutely no control over my drinking, and yet I keep trying again and again, hoping for success....what is it that they say? 'what is the definition of insanity???? doing the same thing over and over again, each time hoping for a different result.........' anyways, that is what I do. Thanks again for the encouragement, I am using every ounze of self-control to not pour myself a drink right now, getting some encouragement helps. Thanks.

nogard

so you had a glimpse of sobriety and relapsed, well thats also part of your journey too and wether its AA or some other support you are better equiped to get sober stay sober and get a life with other Alkies than you are downing the booze. Sounds like your little voice is having its way at presenet.

I used to go to meetings in early days (1st 12 months) and a lot of the time I hated it and resisted but I went as I saw and felt that it helped.

Who cares if its cycling down th road singing ba ba black sheep that keeps us sober lets do it.

Kevin

tay-lyn

I have tried AA a few times, I really do dislike it! I can't sit through the meetings without freaking out inside of my head! Hearing the same old sad stories over and over and over again makes me mental. MANY people tell me I will never stay sober without AA, but I just can't do it. I really do hope with all my heart that I can stay sober without AA because I'm not going back.....at least that is what I say right now......then again, I'm haven't hit a 'serious bottom' in awhile, just 'emotional bottoms' lately........I've only ever gone to AA when I've had a serious bottoming out. And yes, I probably should go to AA to prevent another serious bottom, but I just can't. So I'm going to try to stay sober AGAIN on my own.

CarolD

Hello....
Here is a link to the book that convinced me to quit

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Just below that you will find a list of recovery programs.

Please read and keep posting.

Welcome to SR!

nogard

Yeah my point was not about AA it was about not doing it alone, my experience (11 year relapse after 20 years clean) tells me that alone I am quickly insane and will eventually pick up, but even so living with the madness is bad enough, the negative chatter and the acting out....

So Not AA great how about finding another program or some other alkies supporting each other.

Kevin
PS I dont go to AA I go to NA. The groups I go to are fairly balanced not just a drugalog, but more about living in recovery.

Rusty Zipper

taylyn, as kev mentioned...

it so is about living sober, and changing our reactions to life...

aa/na/rr/aunt tillys recovery program, one thing for shure... go'n it alone is hell!

you can do it tay!

try again to chase the voices away, and chase your dreams!

in sobriety, hopes, & dreams are a real possibility!

good wishes tay

xxoo

rz

tay-lyn

I have used every last ounze of will power to NOT pour myself a drink all day and tonight. It is extremely difficult because my husband is having drinks with a friend of ours right now downstairs. I had to grab the laptop and go into our bedroom so that I could resist joining them. What makes it so much harder is that my husband has told me to go ahead and have a drink. He has stood by my side through the worst of my drinking and he always says 'you just need to know when to stop'. Ha! I DO know when to stop....I just don't. Or he says 'if you just had one or two, you'd be fine'. Ha! No Kidding. He doesn't mean to enable me, it is just that I have used my master manipulation skills on him these past 10 years, to convince him that each time I drink too much, there is a very valid reason for it. Anyways, my point is that NOT going to AA does indeed mean I am doing this alone....because not even my husband supports me quitting. And yes, it is going to be hard to quit alone, but my drinking was hard as well. I am trying to choose the lesser of two evils.......drinking is hard and not drinking is hard.....so today I pick the one that causes me the less grief....which is not drinking. So hear I am, curled up in bed with a book and my laptop, alone and not drinking....but sober!

Mcribb

I would go see a doctor, see what personal groups work for you, use local hotlines to help you, of course I have been off the hooch for a whopping 6 days. Listen to the other people they know better

nogard

I would keep posting here so at least you have us and get to a meeting even if you stand at the back mumbling I hate AA.

Later you can focus on get other support.

Seeing myself as different from other addicts kept me mad for quite a while. Look for support, reach out and then take the support when its offered.

Kevin

tay-lyn

I don't know about the AA meeting Kevin, I think I'd rather cycle down the road singing ba ba black sheep! But seriously, I will think about it. I do love the Sunday AA meetings, always did, it was the only one I could tolerate, and actually enjoyed. Plus I'd see a lot of friends there. These past years, during my on again, off again attendance at the meetings, I've been fortunate enough to have quite a few of the 'old timer' gals befriend me and always welcome me with open arms each time I show up. No questions asked. So MAYBE I'll think about a Sunday meeting. And yes, I'll try to stick around these rooms so that I can get some sort of encouragement. Everyone's input is appreciated and it does help knowing I'm not completely alone.

Anna

Hi Taylyn,

Your comments about your mother really hit home with me.

My mother was an alcoholic too, though she always denied her drinking problem. From the time I was a child my goal in life was to be 'not like my mother'. That was my focus and my only ambition. Of course, I was stunned many, many years later when I ended up exactly like my mother. I was shocked and couldn't understand how it could happen. What I realized was, my focus had been negative - don't be like my mother. I needed to move toward something postive, and figure out who I was and what I wanted out of my life.

nogard

nogard

Your turn

Kevin

tay-lyn

Thanks Kevin, now I've got that song stuck in my head!

tay-lyn

Anna, my Mother is still the same, still denying she has a problem. She called about a month ago and said she didn't need treatment again...for the bazillionth time.....but that instead she needed to wean herself off the alcohol....she then told me she should be fine in about a month! lol I almost fell off my chair. She has drank for almost 40 years, smashed every bone in her body, crashed her vehicle more times than I can remember, was in a coma for more than 6 months due to a car wreak she had after passing out at the wheel with a bottle between her legs, in and out of every rehab in Ontario and she still says she doesn't have a problem. That is what I don't want for myself.

nogard

lol, its betetr than a bottle in your mouth.

Reading helps me, Carol listed a book and there are many others but I also look for books on well known people who have struggled with difficulties and found ways through them. Not necessarily Alkies or Addicts, there are many people out there with our dis ease and who are not addicted to any substances.

Anyway it gives me a different perspective.

I also tend to read more of there work. Just finsihed reading just about everything paulo coelho wrote. Anyway you get the idea. I also listen to lots of music. I live alone and have 40 acres nearset neighbour is about 1km away so I can wind it up if I like and I do like.

Point is there are many things we can do in recovery to promote an attitude that screams I am alive and well.

Kevin

CarolD

Gosh Mcribb ....
I sure missed seeing you joining us.

Welcome to SR!

Well done on your sober days!