reyreyuma2

i need some advice. not sure where to go. my fiance is doing cocaine. we have one child and another on the way. i found out he did it once while we were still in the beginning of our relationship and i hated it and then once again in the last two and a half years. i NEVER liked it but it was random and very far and few between. i thought i would deal with it and hope and pray it'll be only that one time. anyway, i know i should have turned around when i first found out, but i can't cry over spilled milk. this is where i am now with two wonderful children and an otherwise wonderful man. he is a hardworker, owns his own business and recently bought a second work truck. he pays pretty much all of the bills and is responsible. he rarely goes out with his friends and has really turned into a family man since we have been together. i have always felt safe with him and confident in his ability to support the family. i work too, but since he owns his own business he brings in more than triple what i do. he says that he should be able to do it if he wants especially if he works hard, he deserves to relax. i agree but i have NEVER liked cocaine, never done it myself and never wanted to be with someone who did. lately, he has been doing it more. everytime he does it i can tell and i ask him. he always denies it at first but a few hours or the next day he'll admit that he did. it is disgusting to me and very unattactive. am i wrong to feel so negatively towards him? because i can tell when he is high everytime i can't be around him. i can't talk to him and i feel so negative inside so i just ignore him or ask him to leave so we don't have to be around each other. i love him but i hate this part of him. what do i do? it is slowly getting more frequent...he probably has done it two times in the last month. he doesn't think i should act this way or treat him this way but i can't help the way it makes me feel and since i am too embarrassed to tell anyone i know, i don't have anyone to talk to about the way i am feeling. please help me understand what i should do. thank you sooo much for your time.

hope213

welcome to S.R. you have come to the right place for support for yourself. this group has alot to offer you with information & we have all been where u r now. my addict is my son. there is nothing you can do for your fiance. he says he does not have a problem & he wants you to accept it. you are powerless when it comes to getting him to stop. as you can tell it is only going to get worse. he is not going to stop using untill he gets ready. read around the board,read what addicts do. get all the info you can. learn to take care of you, those children are going to need you. he has to hit a bottom before he will quit. i am really sorry you are going through this.keep coming back, we are here for you.prayers for you & your b.f.

Ann

Welcome to SR. Sadly, addiction is a progressive disease and if his use has increased it sounds like he is hooked.

My heart and prayers go out for all of you, this isn't a pretty situation and there is no quick cure.

What helped me deal with my son's addiction was to find some meetings and begin working a wonderful program that helped me regain my balance and find tools to cope with an unhappy situation...regardless of how my son was doing with his addiction/recovery.

Take a read around and make yourself comfortable. More will be along to greet you and let you know that you are not alone.

Again, welcome, and I hope you will walk with us on this journey of recovery.

Hugs

mooselips

reyrey,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Like what has been said before me, addiction is a progressive disease.

There is no help for him, unless he wants it, but there is wonderful support for you in the form of Alanon, or Naranon meetings, and coming here.


We're all here for you.
You take care of yourself, and the baby, and baby to come, okay?

Hugs,

kj21

Welcome to SR. You'll find this place is a great place to come for support. May I suggest reading the thread Wives with AH or EXAH It tells most of our stories who are married or living with addicts. It always starts small but it is a progressive disease. I hope you find some help here!!

bluebelle

I agree that it is a progressive disease. My AH started with painkillers sometimes--just for a little high, or to get him through something difficult. It's weird how their using sneaks up on you. I tried to ignore it for a long time, and then all of a sudden it was a big problem. When your AH is on drugs, they are somebody else. They lie, they start only caring about getting more drugs, and they become zoned out of your life. I've been reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and reading this site. I'm amazed how my behavior has slowly become more codependent, and how I have felt more and more responsible for taking care of him and protecting him. I'm at the beginning of this process myself. The only advice I have is to keep reading here, read about codependency, and make sure that you are taking care of yourself and your kids. I've come out of this realizing that I am worrying about him, he is worrying about drugs, & nobody is worrying about me!!!!!

angryandhurt

Hey Reyrey, I am going thru the same with my husband. He has been using coke for a long time, and I just finally figured out that he is completely addicted. It seemed to me that he was using sporadically too, but with cocaine, there really is no such thing. It is a HIGHLY addictive drug and generally is not one that can be used casually without side effects. If it is disrupting your life and those of your children, you need to decide what you will and will not put up with. He is completely wrong in telling you that you should not feel a certain way. If you ask me, that is abusive because it is meant to make you feel guilty and stupid for saying something. I have had to lay down the law with my husband because I refuse to live with, and raise my son with, a cokehead. If you are feeling this way, then you need to do what's right for you and your children and your fiance does not have the right to tell you how you should feel about it. He will remain defensive no matter what you do and you may have to prepare yourself to tell him to hit the highway. Sorry to be so harsh. I think I know how you are feeling. Be strong. I would suggest al-Anon or Nar-Anon as well. It has been a huge help for me. Take care of yourself and those wonderful children. You all deserve the very best life has to offer. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Hangin' In

Hey reyrey,

Welcome to SR. There is great support here, so I hope you'll stick around and learn about recovery for you.

As others have said, there is nothing you can do to stop his using. You can help yourself by reading here and finding some face to face meetings. I attend Al Anon meetings (there are no Nar Anon meetings in my area) and they have helped save my life and sanity. Today I go to two meetings a week and they are a priority in my life. That's because I have decided that MY LIFE is worth saving. As much as I wanted to save my AD, I learned that I can't. She has to save herself. But I did learn I can save me, therefore making myself available and stable for my AD and all the others in my life that I love.

I pray you'll stick around and keep posting and find a meeting near you.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

bluejay6

hello rey,

there is much good advice ahead of me, and you will find so much help reading throughout the site...keep digging.

i have to say that it is possible--not probable, only possible--that your fiance is reacting defensively because he resents not being able to do what he wants to do. not all people who get defensive about alcohol or drug use are addicts. i have seen people get defensive in their marriages over this and they were not--and believe me, time proved it, years and decades proved it--NOT addicts.

there is one major red flag for me in your situation and that is that he is using an illegal drug. he owns his own business, has children, a concerned mate, and yet he is using an illegal drug whenever he wants to take the edge off. THAT is unacceptable. no matter how many people out there are doing cocaine, it is still an illegal drug which will cost him the loss of his professional life, not to mention possibly his marriage, if he is ever caught buying it or with it in his possession. it also means your home--and you--are part of the illegality, if the drug is anywhere in your house.

whether or not he is addicted yet, you have the right to say NO MORE COCAINE IN THIS LIFE. if he cannot sacrifice his "needs" to the greater good of the family, then not only do you have a troubled relationship, you will probably have an addict husband. keep searching for information on drug abuse, rey.....and all the best in your journey. keep your head up.