hbb

Hi all!

I realize this is off topic but I find it extremely interesting. I can finally pin point what i've been going through, never knew there was a name for it either.

I went to my therapist on Wednesday and we got to talking about ME (because every other appt. has referred to J). Anyways, we touched upon my suffering from a form of image distorted dysmorphic (when you see something different when you look in the mirror than what other's see you as physically). About several weeks ago Dr. Phil had a show on this and I could TOTALLY relate. Which I also think goes hand in hand with my lack of self esteem issues. And i'm also realizing that this is why i probably chose the people in my past because it was the best for me due to my appearance.

Little background, I’ve had an issue with my weight since freshman year and have struggled with it. Years ago with my other exbf I got rather heavy, then I lost about 70 lbs. when we broke up. BUT this is where it gets twisted, I knew I should have felt I looked better as the drastic appearance difference and I thought I looked "better" but deep down felt that larger sized person mentally. It's weird because now I’m down again, almost my smallest since early high school probably, yet I feel inside that I haven't lost an ounce. And I realize i "look better" but it's tough to once again swallow that there is an appearnce difference. I'm obsessed with the scale as i know i shouldn't as i've been weightlifting for some time now.

So a few weeks back she told me to start with "thank you" WHENEVER anyone gave me a compliment which is huge for me. Usually I would say something like "oh, gosh NO but thanks" or "omg I have like 50 lbs to go". BUT since we talked, I’ve said it EVERYTIME someone has complimented me out of appreciation and they wouldn't say it to just say it...right?!!

I would just like to get to the point where I look into the mirror and actually believe "oh I look pretty good today" which doesn't occur ever. I'm working very very hard on this one! My therapist said she thought I had symptoms of this and we will have to dig DEEP down to really work through this. But I will say, working on ME has been so much better, good or bad....finally the focus is coming off of J.

Anyways, I was just curious if anyone else experienced or has this type of appearance issue. Thanks in advance for any input

hbb

OH TOTALLY...I completely agree with you, it's definately a mindset (as i eat my lettuce wraps for lunch)!!! Perfect example, i have friends and family that are overweight and LOVE life I keep telling myself that if i keep obsessing over my appearance than i'm going to miss out on alot and look back wishing i hadn't. Ok, i'll share here because are all friends RIGHTTTT!!!! I got upto 245 lbs. and i look at pictures and don't recognize myself at times. Now i'm 180 lbs. and said that when J and i were together that if i EVER got back down to 170-180 again that i would TOTALLY appreciate it as i bust my hump EVERYDAY at the gym after work and all weekend. I have accepted the fact that i will never be a size 8 or even close to a supermodel and i'm okay with that. I just want to get comfy in my own skin..you know what i mean! So that means NO 2 for me tonight at my mom's bday party!!!! Ok, maybe a bite, i'm famous for bites and not pieces of anything anymore lol!

Hey, sidenote, i recall a lovely picture of you at one time in your kitchen maybe?? You looked beautiful

Pajarito

Sounds like a breakthrough to me Heather- congrats! And like you, I am trying to focus more on myself- rather than making most sessions about my AH. It's hard! I have not had the same kind of issue with my weight- but I have in a way around my face! My AH wrote a note about the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen- she works with him. What a blow! I thought I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. As a result- I've felt very negative about myself- I think a breakup can do that to a person anyway, but this is different. Intellectually I know I am not ugly- but emotionally I feel I am sometimes. I compare myself to other women and wonder if he'd think she was beautiful. . . Ugh! It is something that is not huge for me- as in consuming my thoughts- but it's there all the same. Self esteem is something I am working on too. I am glad you are going to a good therapist! Have a great weekend!!!

LaTeeDa

I don't think you are off-topic at all. I came into recovery thinking the A was my problem, and trying to find out what I could do about HIM. Slowly, through counseling, reading, and this board, I realized that my problem was not my A, it was me. And my problems would be there with or without him. It's a difficult thing to come to grips with, but it makes a huge difference in my quality of life.

I'm so glad to hear you are focusing your counseling sessions on yourself and no longer wasting them on him! Way to go!

L

Barbara52

Looks like you've had 2 breakthroughs here: Leaving J in the dust in therapy and reconizing a major factor in your life. Congrats! That is the way to make the changes you want to make. {hugs}

hbb

Actually LTD, i thought that after i was done writing and thought, this is probably right on topic as to why i chose J. He was so far gone, yet my weight or appearance didn't seem to bother him. He NEVER commented negative and said i was perfect just the way i was. But i never thought that a healthy man would ever think that of me.....my issues, not theirs. Yet he was the same way and in some twisted way, why would i compliment him and expect him to accept it. If i couldn't, i should have understood why he wouldn't either, as he was the same way as me, not a good combo!!

I was telling my therapist that when i look at someone that is heavier i don't think of them as being heavier. I look at their features such as pretty eyes or cheek bones or love their hair style so i was saying to her that i probably don't give society enough credit that they may be doing the same towards me!

I was saying to her a few weeks ago that when i look in the mirror i see 700 lbs. I"m not kidding, that is what i see and just the other day, i was doing my makeup before getting dressed and actually said out loud "ick". It's frustrating and sad but worth fixing once and for all. I'm so sick of living within these walls of mine of the "perfect image".

hbb

Yup, you always want what you can't have! I always wanted straight hair, always had pin curl hair and all my friends that the AWESOME big 80's hair lol! I couldn't get bangs to stand up like theirs. Anyways, i was sitting here thinking about all the celebrities that get work done to them. Maybe there's alot of them that have this distorted image thing too. I admitted the other day (as i've always wanted lypo) that if i had all the work in the world done i don't think i would be happy. I used to think it would definately "fix" me...nope!

Over the summer i read "From the Inside Out" by Dr. Phil and i'm not a huge fan of his or maybe it's his guests but it was really really good. I highlighted alot in it as i could relate. It would be interesting to go back and re-read what i noted from August to see if i still agree.

CBrown

Wow and wow again! Great post and great progress, Heather!

Um, yes, I have a different view of myself, but sometimes it's the opposite way! I think I'm thinner than I am, and when I look in the mirror I am disappointed! When my daughter tries on my jeans, they're baggy in the butt, and I can't figure out why. She says "mom, you have a bigger butt than me" but I'm in denial about it! R always was preaching that I need to lose 20-30 pounds too, which is true, but I always thought "I don't look THAT bad!"

The worst is when you try on clothes, or BATHING SUITS!!! I get in the dressing room and see the reality and MAN, it makes me want to run screaming!

So Heather, I guess we're in good company. Somehow we need to meet in the middle. BTW, when you had your photo as avatar, I didn't think you looked overweight in the least!

FormerDoormat

Yeah!

CBrown

Did anyone see Carson Kressley's new show "How to Look Good Naked?" I was a little tired of seeing him on "Queer Eye" but I LOVED him in this one! He took a 20 lb. overweight young lady, and in five days her self-esteem was through the roof! He taught her better clothing choices, better make-up and hair, taught her to look at her body as it really was (she thought she was a lot bigger than she really was). I really enjoyed it.

FormerDoormat

Yes! Wasn't it amazing how different the woman looked once she believed she was hot? And she was HOT!

CBrown

You ain't a kiddin', FD!!! Remember how she stood in a line up of about seven women all in panties and bras, and NONE of them were the size of models. To the right were the slimmer women; on the left the more ample. He said "I want you to stand inbetween the two girls where you think your measurements fall. She chose 2nd from the left -- the larger end. According to her measurements, she should have been 2nd from the RIGHT -- she overestimated her hip size by SIX INCHES!!! It was absolutely amazing. She was WAAAAAY thinner than her mind said she was.

tryingtoheal

Heather, just a quick little tidbit from me...even though you may not believe it, I am sure J saw (and still sees) you as the beautiful woman that you are on the OUTSIDE as well as on the inside. I highly doubt he saw the codie tattoo on your forhead and came pursuing you just so he could use and abuse your love and trust! Back in the beginning, before you started getting serious, I am sure he was drawn to your physical beauty as well as your beautiful personality. No one expects to become a part of a toxic relationship, so the codie/alkie issue probably wasn't even a conscious factor at first...am I right?? Keep your discoveries coming...I am so proud of you for getting to the bottom of an issue that has been harming you for quite some time!!

denny57

Good for you, Heather! I found once I started accepting compliments with a simple thank you, I also felt better about myself.

hbb

Thank you Trying. I'm sure he was drawn to something on the outside i guess, because i think there's something on the exterior of anyone that is attracted to another. I'd like to believe he fell in love with both but mostly the inside, i do believe i was caring, loving, supportive and genuine to him.

Its funny, i have to say (and this is where i feel funny and pompous) that most compliments are my eyes. To me they are blue/grey but to everyone else they are a color that is different then the norm. But i say thank you and, to be honest with you, i look in the mirror and say, hmmm they look average to me!!!

I will say that part of me feels like because i did gain weight with J that he didn't see me the same in the end. But i do know that's alot of what's in my mind. Part of me wonders what he would think if he saw me now because i do see pics. from now and then and do see a difference, not huge but a difference. My therapist said that if i portray as happy on the outside that other healthy people will notice. I"m trying. Progress not perfection right??!!!

Oh, and i did have a tiny tiny piece of cake my mum had the big 60 today and we just got back!

FormerDoormat

Hey Heather, the show about body image that was talked about earlier is on now on Lifetime. It's called How to Look Good Naked. Check it out!

hbb

THANKS FD! I happen to have found it too! I'm watching this every week! I can so relate to this and i think it's so ironic that i posted this today and now watching a bunch of ME's!! Very interesting, thought i was rare feeling this way, nice to know i'm not alone thanks again for the heads up.

FormerDoormat

You're not alone. I'll be watching that show right along side you, Heather.

cdk1972

I, too, lost weight and felt great. I am still working out 4-5 days a week, and i have gained some back, but what i am realizing, is although i am not as comfortable as i want to be, working out is the one time in my day that my mind isn't spinning about bad sh** in my life. It totally is an escape mechanism for me (addiction??), because i just breathe and don't have to think about anything. I'm sooooo proud of you, and you look so wonderful right now, as i told the other day. Keep it up, for looking better, but also for making yourself feel better physically. And the posts here are so right on-people do love you for your inside, which is so much more worthwhile than having people love you for your outside only!
KH

hbb

I'm so happy for you too, you look GREAT as well I completely agree, i actually look forward to going to the gym, i only focus on ME there the whole time. I've been spinning 4+ times a week and lifting weights. My therapist also said it's a natural release of toxins and makes you feel better.

I think if i keep on keeping the focus on me than i will pull through all of this. I think of J less and less as each day goes by and i think about the chaos that is no longer bringing me down.....someone else can deal with it now!