Newcomer with alcoholic mom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 8
Newcomer with alcoholic mom
Hi everyone,
I'm new here and am looking for some help in dealing with my alcoholic mother. Most of the resources that I'm finding online about adult children of alcoholics talk about adults who grew up in alcoholic homes. My story is a bit different. My mother did not begin drinking until after I started college and moved away from my home town. That was nearly 10 years ago.
I'm 27 and now live about 700 miles away from my parents, so I don't really know what goes on there on a daily basis. But almost every time over the last 6 years that I've gone home for a visit, I notice my mom drinking. I've tried talking to her and my dad about it, but she always says she's just about to get help, and my dad always tells me that they're taking it day by day and he doesn't know what else to do.
The last time I went home about 3 weeks ago, it seemed to be really bad. I smelled alcohol on my mom as soon as I arrived. I confronted her about it and she denied it. Then I did a little snooping and found bottles of liquor hidden in various areas of the house, some empty and some still with liquid in them. I secretly followed her to the basement where I saw her downing a bottle of rum. I didn't have the courage to confront her at the moment, I was just too sad, and I know this is selfish of me. I emptied all the bottles I could find and later that day she just went out and bought more. I told my dad about it and, in his usual style, he blew up at her, took her car keys and money away, and made her empty the remaining bottles. He hasn't learned yet that this makes no difference-- no matter how loud he screams or if he's taken her car or money away, she finds a way to get alcohol.
I confronted my mom once more just before I left and she told me that she's going into an out-patient rehab that the company she works for runs for their employees. She asked me to just let her get through the holidays without anymore scenes. Now I'm back 700 miles away and I don't know how to confront her or my dad to see if she's followed through on her promise to go to rehab. If she tells me she has, I don't even know if I'd believe her.
I know this has been a long story. My goal in writing this is to say that my dad isn't helping, my brother (who lives 5 minutes away from my parents) doesn't do anything, and I'm too far away to make any real practical difference in their lives anymore. I just don't know what to do. It seems like everyone else is in denial and my mom is not getting the help that she needs.
Things just keep getting worse and I feel like I have no support and can't help my mother. Someone please help me with some ideas. Thanks for listening!
I'm new here and am looking for some help in dealing with my alcoholic mother. Most of the resources that I'm finding online about adult children of alcoholics talk about adults who grew up in alcoholic homes. My story is a bit different. My mother did not begin drinking until after I started college and moved away from my home town. That was nearly 10 years ago.
I'm 27 and now live about 700 miles away from my parents, so I don't really know what goes on there on a daily basis. But almost every time over the last 6 years that I've gone home for a visit, I notice my mom drinking. I've tried talking to her and my dad about it, but she always says she's just about to get help, and my dad always tells me that they're taking it day by day and he doesn't know what else to do.
The last time I went home about 3 weeks ago, it seemed to be really bad. I smelled alcohol on my mom as soon as I arrived. I confronted her about it and she denied it. Then I did a little snooping and found bottles of liquor hidden in various areas of the house, some empty and some still with liquid in them. I secretly followed her to the basement where I saw her downing a bottle of rum. I didn't have the courage to confront her at the moment, I was just too sad, and I know this is selfish of me. I emptied all the bottles I could find and later that day she just went out and bought more. I told my dad about it and, in his usual style, he blew up at her, took her car keys and money away, and made her empty the remaining bottles. He hasn't learned yet that this makes no difference-- no matter how loud he screams or if he's taken her car or money away, she finds a way to get alcohol.
I confronted my mom once more just before I left and she told me that she's going into an out-patient rehab that the company she works for runs for their employees. She asked me to just let her get through the holidays without anymore scenes. Now I'm back 700 miles away and I don't know how to confront her or my dad to see if she's followed through on her promise to go to rehab. If she tells me she has, I don't even know if I'd believe her.
I know this has been a long story. My goal in writing this is to say that my dad isn't helping, my brother (who lives 5 minutes away from my parents) doesn't do anything, and I'm too far away to make any real practical difference in their lives anymore. I just don't know what to do. It seems like everyone else is in denial and my mom is not getting the help that she needs.
Things just keep getting worse and I feel like I have no support and can't help my mother. Someone please help me with some ideas. Thanks for listening!
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Welcome daughter!
I can tell you from experience, as I am sure others will too, that there isn't anything you can do to make your father stop enabling her, and there is nothing you can do to make mom stop drinking.
What you can suggest to your dad is that he gets to an alanon meeting as soon as possible. These meetings are in every city. Call AA in the phone book and they will give a contact number to the nearest meetings.
It's terrible to watch our parents destroy themselves. The best we can do is keep our own selves safe and be careful not to enable the alcoholic.
My mom was the worse kind of drunk. Mean and hateful. She did sober up, only after no one wanted anything to do with her any more.
They have to want it for themselves.
Keep coming back here to post. It helps with all the frustrations!!
Take care,
WW
I can tell you from experience, as I am sure others will too, that there isn't anything you can do to make your father stop enabling her, and there is nothing you can do to make mom stop drinking.
What you can suggest to your dad is that he gets to an alanon meeting as soon as possible. These meetings are in every city. Call AA in the phone book and they will give a contact number to the nearest meetings.
It's terrible to watch our parents destroy themselves. The best we can do is keep our own selves safe and be careful not to enable the alcoholic.
My mom was the worse kind of drunk. Mean and hateful. She did sober up, only after no one wanted anything to do with her any more.
They have to want it for themselves.
Keep coming back here to post. It helps with all the frustrations!!
Take care,
WW
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
It is unfortunately true, daughter......these are adults you are dealing with (your parents) and they will not change their choices because of pressure from you. It is sad to watch them travel this road, but often it is the only way they come to hit bottom and make a change in their lives.
Protect yourself and continue to build a healthy, happy life for yourself....often we lose ourselves in the grief and frustration of watching loved ones battle with alcohol, and that is the greatest tragedy of all.
Read around on these forums, read the sticky posts at the top, and do consider visiting an Al-Anon meeting yourself. There is a wealth of support, ideas, and strength there. I know they helped me a great deal.
Hugs to you in this tough time....
Protect yourself and continue to build a healthy, happy life for yourself....often we lose ourselves in the grief and frustration of watching loved ones battle with alcohol, and that is the greatest tragedy of all.
Read around on these forums, read the sticky posts at the top, and do consider visiting an Al-Anon meeting yourself. There is a wealth of support, ideas, and strength there. I know they helped me a great deal.
Hugs to you in this tough time....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Southampton
Posts: 16
Hi. I have also recently joined and everything you say Daughter hits a nerve with me too. My Mum has been drinking a little longer but it has got worse over the last ten years and my Dad enables it and behaves in exactly the same way as yours - blowing up and then saying he is dealing with it but doesn't really. I have moved 45 miles away in the last month and like you feel that I can't do much being far away and struggle between wanting to know what is going on and being glad that I am not facing the horribleness of the reality of home. The others on here may think that I am not being terribly helpful as I don't have any good advice yet as I am in the same position as you but I thought it might help you to know that there is someone else out there in the same position right now. I am 25. I know it has helped me reading your post and realising that it is ok to be at this stage of life and in this position although it is not a happy place to be. At least we are in a good place with lots of people to support us online here. I am trying to pluck up the courage to go to an Alanon meeting but havent got there yet. Massive hugs to you Daughter. xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 8
Thanks for the replies, everyone! I am sorry to hear that we are all in similar situations with our parents, and it makes me so sad that many of us have had to distance ourselves/detach from them and just let them run their course, so to speak. Thanks to all of you for being so honest in your replies.
Even though I'm new here I already feel great support from all of you and it helps to just get some of my story out.
Sadgirl- I, like you, have not yet built up the courage to go to an Al-Anon meeting. For some reason the whole idea of it scares me- it makes me feel super vulnerable and makes me feel like it's going to be harder to detach from the problem if i'm talking about it in front of a dozen or so strangers. And there's always some excuse: "I don't want to go to a morning meeting cause I'll spend the rest of the day obsessing over it and probably crying and won't get good work done." "I don't want to go to an evening meeting cause I'll be dreading it all day." "What if I see someone from work there?" Or even worse, "what if I see one of my students there?" (I'm a university instructor.) It's always something...
I'm wondering how others have brought themselves to get to Al-Anon and in what ways it's helped. How can I bring myself to say "today's the day for an Al-Anon meeting", and actually get myself to walk in?
Even though I'm new here I already feel great support from all of you and it helps to just get some of my story out.
Sadgirl- I, like you, have not yet built up the courage to go to an Al-Anon meeting. For some reason the whole idea of it scares me- it makes me feel super vulnerable and makes me feel like it's going to be harder to detach from the problem if i'm talking about it in front of a dozen or so strangers. And there's always some excuse: "I don't want to go to a morning meeting cause I'll spend the rest of the day obsessing over it and probably crying and won't get good work done." "I don't want to go to an evening meeting cause I'll be dreading it all day." "What if I see someone from work there?" Or even worse, "what if I see one of my students there?" (I'm a university instructor.) It's always something...
I'm wondering how others have brought themselves to get to Al-Anon and in what ways it's helped. How can I bring myself to say "today's the day for an Al-Anon meeting", and actually get myself to walk in?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
it makes me feel super vulnerable and makes me feel like it's going to be harder to detach from the problem if i'm talking about it in front of a dozen or so strangers.
That being said, there was one comment (which I'd rather not share) which was made that has stuck with me all these years later. So even if you don't do anything but listen, it can still be useful.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Southampton
Posts: 16
Daughter80, my Dad went to his first Alanon meeting last night and told me about it on the phone last night too. He said he wasn't sure it was for him as it was all ladies and him and he doesn't really understand the talking and crying. I told him he sounds exactly like Mum who said she didn't feel she was one of those people at the meeting. I am angry with him for being as bad as her. He has said he will go to a few more before making a decision but I doubt he will stick with it. I am still thinking of going cos it sounds like there are people there that care without needing massive explanations of the whole alcoholic situation but I am scared of going along the first time and speaking to anyone and also I'm not sure I can get to one due to my teaching in the evenings. I am here for you Daughter80. Just thought you should know that. Take care of you first and foremost. xxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1
I just found out that my mom is an alcoholic and drinks in secret everyday. My father is the only other one that knows about her problem, and she is extremely adept at hiding her drinking. Like daughter80, I live hours away from home, and while I feel lucky and blessed that Mom trusted me with her secret, I don't know how to help her. She has been sober only since New Years, but she wants to get better. Apparently, she tried AA before and said it was not for her. This is all so unexpected and new to me that my head is still reeling.
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