Maybe I am hurting, instead of helping
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington st.
Posts: 51
Maybe I am hurting, instead of helping
My Ah has started going to NA. I am not really sure how i feel about this. I say this b/c since he has begune (he has gone three times) he will be gone all day then go to a meeting at 6:00 and come back at 9:30/ 10:00 and he is always high. I am not sure what i was expecting when the meetings started. Did i think he would go clean, come home clean? i think so, i figured he would try but i haven't seen it yet. I thought that he would at least try to stay clean for a few days. I don't know. i think that he really isn't going, and that he isn't going for himself. I think he is going b/c he is trying to hold on to his family.. b/c i told him to get help. For a while now i can't even hardly speak to him. I feel like.. whats the point. he isn't really listening, he isn't really there he doesn't really care. I just was so angry when he came home late last night, talking about his meeting,. AND HE WAS HIGH. geez, it just seems so wrong. He is still the same, i am still the same. I am trying to figure out how to brake the cycle how to change my focus.. but it seems so hard for me wright now. maybe i shouldn't have posted this thread but i had to get it out of my mind. Any words of wisdom, would be appreciated. thanx.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: DUBLIN, GA
Posts: 35
To Be Honest This Place Is One Of The Best Places You Could Have Chose To Come Too. I Have Been Dealing With An Addict For A Long Time. My Husband. I Have Learned Here That You Have To Stand Your Ground, As Hard As It May Be, And Tell Him That You Dont Want It Anymore And Stand On Your Word. Its Hard Believe Me. Been There And Done That. You Have To Remember He Has To Become Clean For Him And No One Else. You Have To Live For You And Not Him. The Best Advise I Can Give Is To Keep Reading And Keep Posting. I Have Been Coming Here For About 3 Months Now And I Think It Has Helped Me More Than Anything. Me And My Husband Are Seperated Right Now And He Is Making Is Own Choices Now And I Dont Have To Be Responsible For Them Anymore. Everyone Here Has Been Where You Are. If You Have Any Questions Or Need To Vent This Is The Place To Do It. You Have People To Support You On All Sides Here.
Hugs To You
Hugs To You
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
((((Hundow)))
I can't stop the cycle when my son is coming home here. I've found that the only way I can detach when needed is if I leave my front row seat to the using, the not, and all the gray areas in between.
Is there anyway you can arrange for a separation to get time to catch your breath? It doesn't have to be forever, maybe just a break from the chaos caused by addiction.
Just a thought
(((Hugs)))
I can't stop the cycle when my son is coming home here. I've found that the only way I can detach when needed is if I leave my front row seat to the using, the not, and all the gray areas in between.
Is there anyway you can arrange for a separation to get time to catch your breath? It doesn't have to be forever, maybe just a break from the chaos caused by addiction.
Just a thought
(((Hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington st.
Posts: 51
that is what i have been thinking about.. a seperation. It seems so hard to really get myself todo. I have just recently been budgeting things out to see if i can do this and support my in home business.. i am financially afraid, i may lose my business, but i am looking down every avenue right now to see what i can do about that.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
if he is going to meeting he is not working the program. i would say he is not going. how does he think going to meetings will keep his family together? it is him getting high that is the problem. set boundries & stick to them.nothing changes if nothing changes.prayers for you, & him both
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
i hope some recovering addicts will pitch in and help you understand about the meeting mystery. from here it sounds as if he is perhaps not attending at all, and is simply inventing stories when he gets home. on the other hand, i have read many times that addicts don't get clean when they first begin attending meetings but gradually it takes hold over a number of months.
if he is going to meetings because of pressure from you or other family members, though, he is likely not ready to work a recovery program. the addict feels he cannot live without his drug, and until using becomes so painful and life is such a hell for him that even using doesn't make things better, he will try to hang on to the drug. his brain is now wired for that.
if you feel financially vulnerable about being separated, you do not need to move out yet unless you are becoming physically or emotionally quite ill from your marriage. it is good to plan for a possible separation, as you are doing, and to have a good foundation underneath you if you should need to live apart for awhile.
but if you stay for now, you will need to prepare for life with an addict spouse through reading all you can about not rescuing and enabling, and if you can, try to go to al-anon or nar-anon, any meeting that is close by. every person's story is different, every person makes her own choices in relationship with an addict. do not feel pressured to take measures you are not up to taking yet. but emotionally and mentally, you will need support through what is ahead. don't be alone with it. don't isolate. your mind can become very confused.
and if you believe in a higher power, prayer always makes a difference...for me, anyway.
sending faith and love.
if he is going to meetings because of pressure from you or other family members, though, he is likely not ready to work a recovery program. the addict feels he cannot live without his drug, and until using becomes so painful and life is such a hell for him that even using doesn't make things better, he will try to hang on to the drug. his brain is now wired for that.
if you feel financially vulnerable about being separated, you do not need to move out yet unless you are becoming physically or emotionally quite ill from your marriage. it is good to plan for a possible separation, as you are doing, and to have a good foundation underneath you if you should need to live apart for awhile.
but if you stay for now, you will need to prepare for life with an addict spouse through reading all you can about not rescuing and enabling, and if you can, try to go to al-anon or nar-anon, any meeting that is close by. every person's story is different, every person makes her own choices in relationship with an addict. do not feel pressured to take measures you are not up to taking yet. but emotionally and mentally, you will need support through what is ahead. don't be alone with it. don't isolate. your mind can become very confused.
and if you believe in a higher power, prayer always makes a difference...for me, anyway.
sending faith and love.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
I basically quit rehab after 3 1/2 weeks (I was a painkiller addict for two years) because I realized, finally, that I was the one who had to decide to quit using drugs and I was the one who had to change my attitude and behaviors. I did not quit rehab because I wanted to, however. I quit rehab to stay away from three people I considered new friends who were liars and still using drugs/drinking while in rehab.
I am sober today, thank goodness! Yes, I credit rehab for waking me up and giving me some tools, but I had to quit going because of this sad, sad fact (I am sure this doesn't happen often, but it did in my case): I became very good, close friends with three people who started the same day I did. We were in a very well-known, expensive, respected program. I do not use the term 'friend' lightly: I really thought I had found three lifelong buddies! (In rehab, it is very likely that recovering A's will get close to each other very quickly simply because they are free to share their inner-most fears, faults, etc. That alone makes it conducive to bonding quickly.)
Anyway, two of my new recovering friends slowly gained my trust enough so that we started to meet outside of rehab for a movie, shopping, etc. At about week three of rehab, I discovered that those two friends had been using drugs and drinking the entire time they were in rehab! I was hurt for trusting them, felt deceived by the program, etc. Once again, this is nothing against the rehab clinic...but I had the unfortunate experience of witnessing and realizing that some people go to rehab for the wrong reasons...i.e. to get out of work on short-term disability, spouse gives them an ultimatum, they are forced to go to save their job (rehab is mandated by employer because they were caught using at work or soemthing), kids are being taken away, mandated by the state, etc.
My point is this: if he is going to meetings as he says and coming home high, he is probably not being true to recovery. He may be telling the truth about going to meetings, but who knows what happens before, during, after...? He could be sitting in the parking lot for all you know. He may have fallen in with the wrong friends while there who have dope in their car or pass him a swig of whiskey during the meeting...
I am sober today, thank goodness! Yes, I credit rehab for waking me up and giving me some tools, but I had to quit going because of this sad, sad fact (I am sure this doesn't happen often, but it did in my case): I became very good, close friends with three people who started the same day I did. We were in a very well-known, expensive, respected program. I do not use the term 'friend' lightly: I really thought I had found three lifelong buddies! (In rehab, it is very likely that recovering A's will get close to each other very quickly simply because they are free to share their inner-most fears, faults, etc. That alone makes it conducive to bonding quickly.)
Anyway, two of my new recovering friends slowly gained my trust enough so that we started to meet outside of rehab for a movie, shopping, etc. At about week three of rehab, I discovered that those two friends had been using drugs and drinking the entire time they were in rehab! I was hurt for trusting them, felt deceived by the program, etc. Once again, this is nothing against the rehab clinic...but I had the unfortunate experience of witnessing and realizing that some people go to rehab for the wrong reasons...i.e. to get out of work on short-term disability, spouse gives them an ultimatum, they are forced to go to save their job (rehab is mandated by employer because they were caught using at work or soemthing), kids are being taken away, mandated by the state, etc.
My point is this: if he is going to meetings as he says and coming home high, he is probably not being true to recovery. He may be telling the truth about going to meetings, but who knows what happens before, during, after...? He could be sitting in the parking lot for all you know. He may have fallen in with the wrong friends while there who have dope in their car or pass him a swig of whiskey during the meeting...
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I agree with tryingtoheal.....even if he is going to meetings, he is not working at recovery.
I do know of NA meetings where it is a place to score dope....sad fact, but I found out it was true. Of course, no one was really obvious about it, and I didn't realize it was going on until later.
But, like tryingtoheal, I wanted recovery really bad and was willing to do what I had to do, like staying away from people who were still using.
If he really wants to be clean (for himself) he will do it. If he's going to meetings to make someone else happy, he will not get clean. Meetings aren't a "cure"...they don't work if you don't put in the work yourself.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I do know of NA meetings where it is a place to score dope....sad fact, but I found out it was true. Of course, no one was really obvious about it, and I didn't realize it was going on until later.
But, like tryingtoheal, I wanted recovery really bad and was willing to do what I had to do, like staying away from people who were still using.
If he really wants to be clean (for himself) he will do it. If he's going to meetings to make someone else happy, he will not get clean. Meetings aren't a "cure"...they don't work if you don't put in the work yourself.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I am a recovering addict (crack and cocaine) with more than 2 years clean. I knew lots of addicts who would go to meetings and then go get high afterwards. (That was me.) I knew lots who would lie to their families about going to meetings just so they had more time to get high. Most of them didn't need to go to meetings to score dope, because most of them already had connections.
Eventually, I cleaned up but the majority of the addicts I used to hang out with are still playing the same old games two years later. Meetings and using. Or just talking about how they need to quit and still using. Lieing, cheating - you name it. Basically they aren't ready to quit yet because things in their life are not bad enough or they blame everyone else for how bad things are and don't believe it's because they are drug addicts. They don't want to do the work it takes to get clean. Meetings don't keep you clean. They are a tool but you still have to do the work. It's hard work.
It's important to stay in the present when confronting these issues about addiction. There is a really good chance that things will never change. You know the saying "if nothing changes, nothing changes."
That being said, it's really our responsibility to draw boundaries for ourselves, about the kind of behavior that we will or will not accept in our lives and then stick with them. Otherwise, we are just playing games too.
Just remember that you didn't cause his addiction, you can't control his addiction, and you won't be able to cure it either.
Eventually, I cleaned up but the majority of the addicts I used to hang out with are still playing the same old games two years later. Meetings and using. Or just talking about how they need to quit and still using. Lieing, cheating - you name it. Basically they aren't ready to quit yet because things in their life are not bad enough or they blame everyone else for how bad things are and don't believe it's because they are drug addicts. They don't want to do the work it takes to get clean. Meetings don't keep you clean. They are a tool but you still have to do the work. It's hard work.
It's important to stay in the present when confronting these issues about addiction. There is a really good chance that things will never change. You know the saying "if nothing changes, nothing changes."
That being said, it's really our responsibility to draw boundaries for ourselves, about the kind of behavior that we will or will not accept in our lives and then stick with them. Otherwise, we are just playing games too.
Just remember that you didn't cause his addiction, you can't control his addiction, and you won't be able to cure it either.
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