Just want to scream
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: OH
Posts: 20
Just want to scream
I had such a bad day today that I just want to scream! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! There, that feels a little better. Even though I made it very clear to my abf a few days ago that there would be no relationship between us until he decided to quit drinking, he has still been staying at my apartment occasionally (because he really has nowhere else to go.) Last night, he felt he needed to be around family, so I gladly volunteered to give him a ride to his cousin's house. I got home, got comfy and watched some tv, finally getting to relax a little for the first time in I don't know how long.
But what do ya know, here he comes stumbling through the door at 3:00am. Great. (He's making it very easy for me to get over him now.) Anyway, he didn't bother me at all and ended up sleeping on the couch. This morning, however, he wakes up at 9am, cracks open a beer (a regular routine lately) and begins his day of drinking. I mentioned that I was going out to get something to eat and kindly offered if he wanted something. He said yes and I was kind of happy because he hasn't been eating a lot lately.
So he stuffs his face full of food until he can no longer eat any more, chugs down a few more beers, and then proceeds to vomit all over my bathroom. Of course, this is the beginning of a pretty heated arguement. In the end, I threatened to leave the apartment and never come back. At first he said go ahead, but then begged me to stay. He said he now realizes that his drinking is a problem and he needs help, but he's not ready to get help yet because he is scared. He said if he were in my shoes, he would be there for me no matter what until I could get through it. I shared some of the stories that I have heard from others here on SR and actually got him to cry and open up a little. What should I do now? I'm so confused...I know he wants to stop drinking but on the other hand I don't know if he does. I guess if I was going through it, I would probably be scared of going to a hospital or facility, too.
Any advice or suggestions will be greatly appreciated. I feel like he's almost there...he just needs a little nudge.
Thanks.
But what do ya know, here he comes stumbling through the door at 3:00am. Great. (He's making it very easy for me to get over him now.) Anyway, he didn't bother me at all and ended up sleeping on the couch. This morning, however, he wakes up at 9am, cracks open a beer (a regular routine lately) and begins his day of drinking. I mentioned that I was going out to get something to eat and kindly offered if he wanted something. He said yes and I was kind of happy because he hasn't been eating a lot lately.
So he stuffs his face full of food until he can no longer eat any more, chugs down a few more beers, and then proceeds to vomit all over my bathroom. Of course, this is the beginning of a pretty heated arguement. In the end, I threatened to leave the apartment and never come back. At first he said go ahead, but then begged me to stay. He said he now realizes that his drinking is a problem and he needs help, but he's not ready to get help yet because he is scared. He said if he were in my shoes, he would be there for me no matter what until I could get through it. I shared some of the stories that I have heard from others here on SR and actually got him to cry and open up a little. What should I do now? I'm so confused...I know he wants to stop drinking but on the other hand I don't know if he does. I guess if I was going through it, I would probably be scared of going to a hospital or facility, too.
Any advice or suggestions will be greatly appreciated. I feel like he's almost there...he just needs a little nudge.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Remember that actions speak louder than words. Until he stops drinking and gets himself into a recovery program, its only empty words.
If it were me, I would set a time limit for him to take action and have a consequence if its not met. For me that consequence would be he would no longer be living in my place. If that means he ends up with no where to live, maybe that would lead him to change but it wouldn't be my problem. There are places he could go such as the Salvation Army.
But then, I'm a bit of a hard azz these days after having put up with crap from my STBXAH for 2 years of unemployment and daily drunkenness. And it did take me a year to come to the decsion to leave.
If it were me, I would set a time limit for him to take action and have a consequence if its not met. For me that consequence would be he would no longer be living in my place. If that means he ends up with no where to live, maybe that would lead him to change but it wouldn't be my problem. There are places he could go such as the Salvation Army.
But then, I'm a bit of a hard azz these days after having put up with crap from my STBXAH for 2 years of unemployment and daily drunkenness. And it did take me a year to come to the decsion to leave.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: OH
Posts: 20
Thanks a lot. I'm giving him until Sunday to decide whether he wants to quit drinking or not. (Monday is my next day off.) I told him that if he wants my help to quit, I will help him, but if he does not want to quit then I will no longer be there for him and one of us will be leaving.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Trust me. Today he is vomiting in your bathroom. Tomorrow he will be peeing in your shoes. If he is serious about getting help, then great -- encourage him. But if he doesn't, you should move on... or at least move your shoes.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
his actions are screaming loud and clear what his decison is.....why arent you hearing him?
In my home, I have a lock on my door. It is a boundary that I enforce to keep people out that I no longer want in. If you want him out, use it. NO is a complete sentence.
In my home, I have a lock on my door. It is a boundary that I enforce to keep people out that I no longer want in. If you want him out, use it. NO is a complete sentence.
Clyde's Bonnie
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Manchester, CT
Posts: 128
"Even though I made it very clear to my abf a few days ago that there would be no relationship between us until he decided to quit drinking, he has still been staying at my apartment occasionally" by letting him stay there sometimes you are being unclear
'I mentioned that I was going out to get something to eat and kindly offered if he wanted something. He said yes and I was kind of happy because he hasn't been eating a lot lately.' u have to not buy him food if u really care about him, he hasnt been eating much because he has been choosing beer over food, because he know with u he will get to have both.
"He said if he were in my shoes, he would be there for me no matter what until I could get through it." addicts are the best at tring to get us to feel sorry for them arent they?
i hope im not coming off harsh, but ive been there, and the worst u can do is get them comfortable by supplying them with the basic human needs so that they are having the best of both worlds. when hes sober make up some boundaries and consequences for if he breaks them and make him sign it. and stick to it. it will be hard but remember his drinking problem is HIS. u can lead a horse to water but you can not make them drink. u could give him a list of places where there are meetings and places to go to detox medically and safely. but unfortunetly we cant o much if anything FOR our addicts and that is the hardest part when u love one. good luck and best of wishes. stay with us at SR and u will c how strong and smart u get. i promise.:codiepolice
'I mentioned that I was going out to get something to eat and kindly offered if he wanted something. He said yes and I was kind of happy because he hasn't been eating a lot lately.' u have to not buy him food if u really care about him, he hasnt been eating much because he has been choosing beer over food, because he know with u he will get to have both.
"He said if he were in my shoes, he would be there for me no matter what until I could get through it." addicts are the best at tring to get us to feel sorry for them arent they?
i hope im not coming off harsh, but ive been there, and the worst u can do is get them comfortable by supplying them with the basic human needs so that they are having the best of both worlds. when hes sober make up some boundaries and consequences for if he breaks them and make him sign it. and stick to it. it will be hard but remember his drinking problem is HIS. u can lead a horse to water but you can not make them drink. u could give him a list of places where there are meetings and places to go to detox medically and safely. but unfortunetly we cant o much if anything FOR our addicts and that is the hardest part when u love one. good luck and best of wishes. stay with us at SR and u will c how strong and smart u get. i promise.:codiepolice
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
When I gave my boyfriend another chance to get his act together, what I was really doing was giving him another chance to drink, to puke all over my house, to soil his pants, to deceive me, to mistreat me, and take advantage of me in every way possible. And he jumped at the chance to do so every time.
I not only gave him one more chance, I gave him 100 chances. Now that's insane.
I not only gave him one more chance, I gave him 100 chances. Now that's insane.
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