BayAreaPhoenix

I thought that maybe it would be nice to have one place, for a few shares at least, that are specifically for wives and partners of AH. The threads that I have found mixed in with all the others have been enormously helpful. For me, since I'm fairly a newbie into the whole addict world it's been really helpful to read what other partners of AH have gone through and are going through and am able to relate and understand just what it is I'm dealing with. Not that I don't learn from all the other experiences too. If it wasn't for you guys, and alanon, etc. I think that I would have lost my mind! As an example, hearing and reading that others aren't accepting their AH "promises" of this time it's different, I swear I'll get help, etc. and are being supported in boundaries of show me, don't tell me - or the reverse, they believed the AH and what happened?. Amazing help for me. Also the fact that this is something a lot of addicts do. so, last week I got heartwrenching crying and pleading, but I held my own. I wasn't a B_____, but I remembered. I also remembered years and years of promises to be a better partner (I had annual meltdowns begging for friendship, partnership, physical and emotional intimacey) regardless of his responses nothing changed, so why should I believe him this time? Because he's the one crying? So, obviously what I've read here and alanon, NA, therapy, etc. has helped, I feel good. I thank you all because I survived, and survived well from that scene. Knowing what recovery is, for him and me, is key, I realize that too. No recovery in our house yet, for the AH anyway. What do you think? Some shares on how you do what you do and do it so well?!:codiepolice Inspiration and education!

Cupicake

I divorced my addict husband only to end up befriending my recovering addict exhusband. I couldn't do it. I couldn't find my happy place...my serenity and peace with active addiction in my life. I'm a better friend to him now than I would be a wife...if that makes any sense. As a wife I feel I have too much at stake. As a friend...I could send him out the door and stick to my boundaries better so he has the room to make his mistakes and correct them and do what he has to do for himself without me at his side getting impatient or upset. I'm able to let go because what he does won't be directly affecting me anymore.
I have a pet peeve with one of his addict behaviors. Manipulation...using his words as weapons, as I call it. I recognize it now and call him on it and tell him that I don't respond to that. Not this girl...not anymore!
I don't take words or promises to heart...I watch actions. Actions really do speak louder than words.

LITA1978

Amen On That. I Am Sick Of The Broken Promises. I Am Learning To Say "no" Or "what Ever You Say". Today Things Are In One Ear And Out The Other Until He Proves What He Says Or Does What He Says. I Agree About The Words As Weapons. My Ah Knows Just What To Say And When To Say It. I Really Think He Has Got Down Pat And Dont Realize He Is Controling Me.

Nikki2003

This is perfect. Thanks. This place has help me a ton. Because I am unable to get to meetings this is my only place I can come to. So I read and read and read. I tried the boundary thing but I didn't really do it. Not really. I would kick him out, but not really. He would stay in his car, in the drive way and I would bring him food, and blankets and he would have a heater hooked up to the house and come in for showers and ugg. I know. Well last week it all clicked for me. He blew up because of his cell phone bill. It went to collections because he hasn't paid it off after I made him cancel it. Which of course is all my fault. So after he is done on the phone he starts yelling and swearing and so on at me. So I do the usual routine and throw him out. So he goes out with his pump because his tire is flat. He is swearing and name calling the entire time and the kids are right there. He is demading me to get his stuff so of course being the concerned little wife I go down and get his mat and one of the thin sleeping bags(he usually has 3 but I can't carry it all at once) and toss it out the door. As I turn to get the rest he continues his swearing and tells me how lazy I am and so on.

That is when it all clicked and I had had it. Me lazy? ME?

I closed the door and locked it and then when to the other door and locked it too. Then sent the kids to play.

2 seconds later he is at the door ringing the bell of course. He is ticked and so am I. He is demanding his food and blankets and heater and so on and of course swearing his head off at me. I told him in a very calm voice that he had no right to abuse me in this manner. That this language and name calling is abuse and if he continued I would call the police. That since he is out he is a grown man he is not my responsibility. When he is kicked out he is responsible for finding his own shelter, warmth, food, clothing and so on. He has family everywhere, friends every, church friedns everywhere and so on. He is a grown man and as such should be able to fend for himself. I am too busy caring for myself and 3 children to worry about him. And when he is ready to be an adult and can prove it then he can look me up. And then I closed the door in his face.

He yelled at it for a few minutes. And then stormed off. Took off in the car for a while and then came back. He stayed in the drive way all night and I ignroed him. Same with the next day. This went on for 3 days. The first day he just sat in his car. The next two he started to get things done around the yard so it would be ready for when he left, contact teh church so that we would have food for when he was gone, made sure we had people to come and check on us and so on while he was gone. So he earned his way back in for the last several days.

But I figured out that when he is out I will no longer be responsible for him at all. Not even a little. And i will not let myself feel guilty about it either. Well I will anyway, can't help that, but I am learning. I was so proud of myself last week for that. I just hope he ended up learning something from it. I know he was cold with no heater and none of his other stuff and I never let him in the house so he had to go to neighbours and friends places just to use the bathroom and so on but always came right back. So maybe he is learning something. I don't know. My head is so muddle. Is a muddled head normal?
Nikki

BayAreaPhoenix

Nikki2003, I don't know about muddled head, but I know what you mean. But, hopefully, other wives/partners can share some more with you and you can keep getting strength and inspiration and education. That's what I'm going for too. Glad you felt proud of what you did. Keep taking care of yourself, and this place is great! It's the sharing - either what we've been through, the epiphany moment(s), the accomplishments, etc. We can feed each other the strength we need. Those who have extra gain strength from sharing to those that need strength from taking - for a while anyway. Then when we learn something, we have to give it away too. Thanks, I'm looking forward to some more!

holdingouthope

My husband is a recovering cocaine addict and alcoholic. He has been out of rehab for 3 days.

I am working really hard on keeping my boundaries. A big one is not doing things for my husband that he can do himself. Today he asked me to check him in for a flight that he has tomorrow and print off his boarding pass. I thought about it and said "Nope." Before I would get afraid that he would blow up at me, accusing me of being difficult and not helping him on purpose, and then do it for him to avoid confrontation. This time I said No and it worked! It's a tiny example, but I'm taking baby steps on my road to recovery.

The other thing I am working on is being focused on my recovery, not his. Before I used to obsess over my husband's schedule, plan which meeting he should go to, and all but drop him off there. What did he do? He would walk out the door saying he was going to the meeting I found for him but would come home a day later higher than a kite. I didn't force him to go to rehab, and now I don't hover over him about his recovery. I'm just leaving him alone and doing the things that I want to do that make me happy, of which at the top of my list is my NarAnon meetings. I support him 100%, but I've come to realize that nothing I can say or do will make him do it so I should stop wasting my time and energy. I'm not perfect at this, but I am making progress.

Nikki - I know exactly what you mean about a muddled brain. That's where I am about 50% of the time...used to be a lot more

Nikki2003

You wives that stick through with your husbands while they are still using must have the strength of angels. I don't know how you do it. I couldn't. My husband knows that if he has one test, just one that comes up positive not only does he end up in jail for 18 months(it is on his probation papers) but he loses us too. I will not stay with him. I will divorce him. I told him when he came clean about this he would get one chance. Just one. I can't handle any more then that. I really can't. And I will not put my kids through that.

So far he has kept up his end of the deal and has been clean since he told us. Helps having a friend that is a doctor so all the test are free and I can have him tested when ever I want too. So I am involved to an extent. I know it should be his recovery. I will not remind him of meetings and not be invoved that way but I will not have an active user in my home. Nope, not happening. Not with young children here. I do not have that kind of stengthen.
Nikki

bluebelle

My AH is in recovery--it's been about 7 weeks now. As far as I know, things are o.k. I am working on my recovery, but having a hard time. I am reading Codependent No More. It's scary because it describes me so well, and that's not who I want to be. I am so worried that he will relapse, to the point that I'm driving us both nuts. :praying

rose

I was with my husband for almost 24 years married for 20 of those years, we had two sons together and just over 4 years ago he go involved with crack cocaine. Our sons are now 18 and 16 and they were 14 and 12 when this nightmare started. From when I learned of what was going on with him was in July and by the end of Sept he was out of the house and buy Dec only 6 months of him being on this drug he was arrested for 5 armed robberies. He name was in the newspapers and on the radio and the boys and I had to go out and face the world with the stares and the finger points. Before this he had his own trucking company and was well known, plus himself and I both grew up here....it was a total shock for us and for those that knew him. The drug took him down and quick.

He ran off at the age of 43 with an 18 year old postitute and the boys and I caught him with her. He did do some jail time while waiting for his trail date and I stuck by him through it all. But little did I realize just how sick I was getting myself, my beleif was I could get him off this drug and our lives would return to normal.

We went through treatment centers and him spending time in and out of jail....this started in 2003 and he was just released once again after a 4 month stint in jail on Dec 1 I am just waiting now as the judge has the case in his hands, for my divorce. I feel sad but there was not one thing I could do to stop it and beleive me I tried. I am not sorry that I tried and tried, because when it came down to the end of me giving up I knew that I tried . Some how the boys and I had to go on without him there was no more we could do.

Yes I can say that I still do and always will love him, but him not the drug, I just learned that I was not fighting him I was fighting an endless battle with a drug and the drug won.

Through it all it has changed me, I will never be me again, but that is not all that bad because I have learned a lot through it all too and a lot for the good. Not a nice way to have to learn, life takes us down some roads and we have to learn to walk them in any which way we can....believe me, we do learn again how to walk a straight road....


Rose

doctor'swife

I have been visiting here since June when I found out that my husband was taking meds he had prescribed for me and the kids. He raised his right hand and promised he was done and expressed his relief. I think there was theme music playing in the background now that I think about it. He didn't stay clean very long. He was using hydrocodone cough syrup and taking patient's pills at work. I had my doubts but found evidence in August. More of the same from him and then right before Christmas there was more undeniable evidence this time that he actually handed to me. Must have been a God thing. I still don't understand that. Anyway, I left after playing the happy family through the holidays for the kid's sakes. 5, 9, 12 yrs. They were shipped of to his parents and I got out of Dodge. I was just leaving for a break but he was convinced I had left for good. He went a little crazy and said he would go to meetings. I knew it was for the wrong reasons and only for me. I came home and he hasn't missed a meeting yet that he could get to. He now goes for himself and not for me. He got a sponsor yesterday. It is a pharmacist that got busted so he can relate. He wants me to drug test him randomly and told me to get some tests. I am a little nervous about this thinking it will make him resent me but he insists. He has told me that if he fails any he will turn himself into the physician recovery program. This is a group that requires doctors to do aa meetings, drug testing, doctor meetings etc and if you mess up even once you lose your license. We'll see where we go from here. Now I have to bake a cake for the sweetest little 6 year old who is having a birthday party tomorrow. I will not let my husband's mess rob my joy for today. It is his mess and like I tell my kids "I did not make this mess and I'm not cleaning it up!" How's that?! Blessings to all.

MsPINKAcres

My AH & I have been together 16 yrs, married a little over 15.

We have been on every ride in this Amusement Park of Alcoholism/addiction. Merry-go-Round of Denial, Rollercoaster of I quit today, I use tomorrow, The House of Mom's Horror-The realities of throwing phones & smashing dishes, while screaming at the top of her lungs, The Tilt A World of Hide&Seek - I hide my purse, checks, money, keys, medicines, benadryl and the kids' cough syrup while AH Seeks, destroys and finds. The Amazing Room of Mirrors, lies, half-truths, semi kept promises, best of intentions, and broken hearts everywhere.

Some days I have that wonderful, healthy recovery husband in front me and I enjoy his company, but still take care of myself. Somedays I have the full blown addict in front of me, and on those days - I take extra good care of me and limit my time with him.

Yes, not all are able to do this - will I be able to do this forever - probably not - I am on a path following the guidance of my HP's will for my life. I have several options, plans and things that I can do - I know that I will know when it is time to execute one of those plans.

My only suggestion to anyone who has a relationship with an addict/alcoholic is for your own safety & sanity - please consider having some plans B, C, D and even E and Remember YOU always have choices my friend.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

cinderellawkids

Ive learned to set boundaries I know I can keep. To ahve no expectations and enjoy the moment. My Ah (crack and alcohol) and Ive been separated several times this past year, but the person he is now has changed. rehab never helped, my nagging never helped, jail never helped. But Ah deciding he wanted to be a different person has changed everyone greatly. Theres still trial and error on both of our parts.
I have to field my anger into journaling. I had to stop trying to control what he did, stop trying to change things, I had to learn to relax and recognizing nothing I ever did or sad would change things. I had to stop pretending he was my child and my responsibility.
That has made the world of difference for both of us. He sees his own mistakes and makes changes when I say little or nothing, once I open my mouth he turns into defenseive denial mode. So, for example, if he's drinking, I only find things to do and ask him to give me space. The calmer I stay the nicer he is ect. I have boundaries I can stick with and he's developing his own behavior boundaries as he sees for himself what his actions do.

Remember you cant control or change another person, you either accept them as they are or leave...
...but you can control you, your actions, comments and attitude

kj21

I was with my Ah for 10 years. Most of them very happy. He spiraled out of control the fall of 2006. I gave him an ultimatum, rehab or leave. He did 35 day rehab program. It did not help for long. He controlled it a little better but still used. Coke/crack and booze. The lies got worse and worse. This fall he totally lost it. We broke up. Seperated for a few months now. He is doing a 5 week outpatient program right now. We talk almost daily (kids, finances). He seems to be trying a lot harder this time. He seems to really be getting it...but I thought that the first time too! I have learned over the last year and a half that I really have NO control. No amount of crying, begging, snooping, taking the bank card away, nothing I did would ever be able to control his addiction. I learned love has nothing to do with it. We love each other, but it doesn't matter to addiction. I learned to take care of me and my kids no matter how he is doing. I have learned to let go and let god. I learned to never rely on him for anything. I am now feeling much better about my future because I can control that by myself. I know I will be OK with or without him. I miss our old life, but am not willing to wait around to see if he stays clean and gets his messes cleaned up. If he does, and it is meant to be, I have no doubt we will hook up again. But not while we are the people we are today. We both need to make changes within ourselves, and I could not do that with him in my life. It is definetly a journey, not one I would suggest to any new people just dating. If you see a red flag early in the relationship I would have to say RUN. Life with and addict is full of heartbreak and mistrust. ( I may sound a little bitter, working on some anger right now)

splendra

this thread has really been plaguing me. I keep thinking about how I really feel about the situation I am in. There is a lot of opportunity to beat myself up. I am trying very hard to just be very gentle with myself.

It's hard cause I have been stupid waiting around on him to get better. 10 years of my life spent with this man who has done lots of dope, cheated on me and, a bunch of other various and sundry hurtful behaviors.

What the flip is wrong with me for letting this go on. It's killing me and I hate it and it's so unnecessary. Why do I continue to allow this man to wound me?

People say oh you could find another man hell I don't want another man. I looking to help him find someone else...is that sick or what. How could I wish him on anyone?

I feel completely used up. It seems like I have nothing left inside of me. He don't care cause if he did he would certainly treat me better. He has no idea how much I hurt over him why do I give a sh!t how he feels?

I hate drama I really do. I try to avoid it whenever possible. All the addicts(my 3 siblings are also dope addicts) in my life just want me to ignore their drug use. I can detach from it. But I don't want to ignore it cause then they will smash me into the ground. I need to move. I just need to let everything go that I cannot carry on my back and get on with my life. Even though everything is in my name. I know I can start over. I know how to take care of me. Pray for me that I find the courage of my convictions...

kj21

Splendra, I hate to hear you sound so upset. I always appreciate your posts on here. i will pray that you find your courage to do what you need to make yourself happy. You deserve it.

Chrysalis123

"It's hard cause I have been stupid waiting around on him to get better. 10 years of my life spent with this man who has done lots of dope, cheated on me and, a bunch of other various and sundry hurtful behaviors.

What the flip is wrong with me for letting this go on. It's killing me and I hate it and it's so unnecessary. Why do I continue to allow this man to wound me?

I feel completely used up. It seems like I have nothing left inside of me. He don't care cause if he did he would certainly treat me better. He has no idea how much I hurt over him why do I give a sh!t how he feels?"


Splendra, you wrote exactly what I am going through. In my case it has been 18 years of stupidly putting up with his crap and living through all sorts of hurtful behaviors. I am just now realizing how sick I am. Alanon is literally a Godsend for me. My HP is working overtime on my behalf and it seems everyweek something really wonderful/interesting happens that I now realize is related to HP and my recovery. It's like the saying, "If the student is ready the teacher appears."

I need to be gentle with myself as I have mastered the beating my self up part. I feel GUILTY for filing for divorce and I cry a lot. But every day I see one bit more sun than the day before. Every day I remember that I am someone to be cherished and treated as so. I know one of these days not only will I remember this, but I will believe it too. And instead of feeling used up, I will feel full of love and life, and it will spill over onto my kids and everyone I see. I look forward to that.

BayAreaPhoenix

I have to say, all these are helpful. Helps me feel so not alone, helps me know, after years and years of pretending my marriage was fine, to hear makes me wish I had known about this addiction years ago. Maybe we would have had a chance, maybe not, but at least I would have known. Well, spilled milk and all that. Just had to vent out the latest - I can't believe there's more, but I probably shouldn't be. this week I got copies of our tax returns for the last 4 years. I couldn't believe it! I thought he had just been bumping up his deductions so much to artificially take down his take home income (he's self employed) but a CPA and my friend a book-keeper showed me how the deductions really haven't changed, his gross shows he's been either working less, or socking away more cash. I got a copy of a savings account that has my name on it, but he's the only one who contributed to it, so I was going to leave it alone - he's taken out about $25,000 in less than 1.5 years! I thought it was for the pills, but my book-keeper friend says that it looks like he was taking out monthly amounts to cover the normal bills based on his income coming down. That means that had I not reached the end of my rope and said I wanted a divorce, if I hadn't found out about the pills, he probably would have put us in serious financial jeopardy within a year, if not wiped us out. First time since all this that I actually got furious, heart pounding, almost hyper-ventilating. Anger, disbelief, scared of what "could have been". He was always so good about money, I couldn't believe that his addiction had penetrated this far - he has always loved saving money, bragging about how much he's saved, etc. I had to leave the house for the weekend. I'm going to find out more next week, PI - credit report, the whole shebang. I need to know what I'm dealing with. My marriage can't be saved but I want to find out if it's even possible for him to buy me out of the house, or if I have to figure out how to buy him out. Either way, I'm going to come out of this at least something of what I've worked so hard for over the last 10+ years. I don't have the marriage I want, which really means more to me, but dog-gone it! After 2 weeks of melt-downs over the holidays too, he's acting "normal". Either the anti-depressants kicked in, or his back on the pills. Either way - what's next?

I'm done with it

So many of us are going thru the same thing, same drama. I hope we all stay strong and come out of this okay.

My ah and I have come to the conclusion that we shouldn't stay together. During his most recent "episode" I told him that I didn't want to associate with him anymore and that he was an embarrassment to me. I didn't get mad or yell or anything. I told him it wasn't worth getting angry over it because it doesn't do any good. After he was coming off his stuff, he was angry and mad and hurt. But now that he is "normal" we agree that we can't live together and we are going to transition ourselves out of the marriage. I hope it isn't his addiction trying to trick me into something.

wounded

I was with my fiance for 18 years and his addiction to crack was a total surprise to me...I was floored when I discovered about it.
When I did, we broke up and I have to say he never tried to manipulate or use me of which I have to give him credit.
Recently, he finally hit his rock bottom after he had no one left in his life to blame but himself. I still love him and I always will and I let him know this as I feel it is important for him to know that there are good people that still stand behind him. Even after all the things he became during his addiction. I also always let him know that no matter what that the tools for his recovery lie within him and nobody but he can save himself. I have also learned though this forum that by forgiving him and by letting him discover the answers within himself have been more healing for me than if I had stayed and tried to fix him myself. I am still learning and will probably be changed for the rest of my life over this, but at least I am not living in denial or in some false reality as I obviously had for many years but did not know. I know that I do not want to spend the rest of my life fearing or looking over my shoulder for his addiction to encompass me. For this I am thankful and I try to count my blessings everyday no matter how hard it is sometimes when I think of all the broken promises and shattered dreams. I have learned to accept that these were not his dreams anymore, just mine. I am taking one day at a time and trying to live my life at the fullest.