New.. Advice would be appreciated!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 3
New.. Advice would be appreciated!
Hi there, I'm new here and I was hoping basically to get some advice. I know it's rather selfish to jump straight in requesting advice when I have contributed nothing but I'm feeling rather desperate so I'll continue on...
I'm 21 and my partner is 26. We've been together for over a year now but have been inseperable for two and a half. He has a drinking problem which he says he realises is a problem but doesn't seem to yet accept it as something that is destructive. I don't like to judge him as I have mental health issues of my own but I'm not sure how I can help him anymore. He drinks 4 or 5 times a week, and each time will get completely innebriated.. he'll act insane.. jealous.. he'll be aggressive and he tries my patience to no end. He doesn't remember the next day.. and when I tell him he is full of apologies and tells me it's going to change. I worry about his health, not just his behavior.. he can't eat or put on weight. I have 'tried' to end the relationship many times before but I get seduced with the promises of change (my fault I know) but I really love him and each time I feel confident it will be different. When things eventually fail I'm angry and it does him no good, nor me. I really don't know what to do anymore.. is my staying with him unhelpful? I love him so much but this is hurting me badly. It's impacting on my life in a big way.. but I feel like i'd just be deserting him to drink himself to death if I break up with him.
I don't know whether I can fix this.. does anyone have any advice for me? It would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for reading.
I'm 21 and my partner is 26. We've been together for over a year now but have been inseperable for two and a half. He has a drinking problem which he says he realises is a problem but doesn't seem to yet accept it as something that is destructive. I don't like to judge him as I have mental health issues of my own but I'm not sure how I can help him anymore. He drinks 4 or 5 times a week, and each time will get completely innebriated.. he'll act insane.. jealous.. he'll be aggressive and he tries my patience to no end. He doesn't remember the next day.. and when I tell him he is full of apologies and tells me it's going to change. I worry about his health, not just his behavior.. he can't eat or put on weight. I have 'tried' to end the relationship many times before but I get seduced with the promises of change (my fault I know) but I really love him and each time I feel confident it will be different. When things eventually fail I'm angry and it does him no good, nor me. I really don't know what to do anymore.. is my staying with him unhelpful? I love him so much but this is hurting me badly. It's impacting on my life in a big way.. but I feel like i'd just be deserting him to drink himself to death if I break up with him.
I don't know whether I can fix this.. does anyone have any advice for me? It would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 36
Hi Lucidiotic
I am new here too. My AH and I married 17 years and I'm just doing a lot of reading right now before I jump in and offer any kind of contribution to anyone but I understand exactly how you feel.
I am at the point where I know that I can't do this for him. I am certainly willing to be there along the way for him because I/we both want this marriage to work. Although I can't offer much advice to you right now please stick around and read what others have to say. Even though our situations are different we are all here for the same reason adn can be here to support each other.
I have set up counselling for myself and am willing to try Al-Anon. Today I spoke with AH and let him know that I would go to open AA meetings with him and he is pleased with that. His biggest problem is not understanding how his actions affect everything around him and how they negatively impact my feelings toward him.
Good luck to you and please stay around and read read read.
I am new here too. My AH and I married 17 years and I'm just doing a lot of reading right now before I jump in and offer any kind of contribution to anyone but I understand exactly how you feel.
I am at the point where I know that I can't do this for him. I am certainly willing to be there along the way for him because I/we both want this marriage to work. Although I can't offer much advice to you right now please stick around and read what others have to say. Even though our situations are different we are all here for the same reason adn can be here to support each other.
I have set up counselling for myself and am willing to try Al-Anon. Today I spoke with AH and let him know that I would go to open AA meetings with him and he is pleased with that. His biggest problem is not understanding how his actions affect everything around him and how they negatively impact my feelings toward him.
Good luck to you and please stay around and read read read.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to SR. In Alanon, therapy and here on this site I learned that I cannot fix anyone but myself. When I realize what I can't do, I can begin to work on what I do have control of- which is myself. I have a few family members with substance/alcohol issues, two of which are now clean and sober. I've dealt with this for many, many years now and it's not always easy but things can improve. This forum is for -you- and I'm sure you will find it very helpful. We have some great members here.
I hope you will read the sticky threads for some resources and information. Codependent No More by M. Beattie is a lifesaving book for somebody living with an alcoholic or addicted person.
Going to Alanon meetings made a huge difference in my life and I don't know how I would have managed without that kind of support and direction. I also learn alot from attending open NA and AA meetings.
I hope you will read the sticky threads for some resources and information. Codependent No More by M. Beattie is a lifesaving book for somebody living with an alcoholic or addicted person.
Going to Alanon meetings made a huge difference in my life and I don't know how I would have managed without that kind of support and direction. I also learn alot from attending open NA and AA meetings.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
Hi and welcome,
Nope...YOU cant fix it. Only he can, and ONLY when he is good and ready.
BUT.............
YOU can fix you, the pain you feel, the fear you have and the anxiety you experience. I do it thru alanon, 12 step program for familes of alkies.
Read all you can about the disease, go to meetings, and keep posting here. There is hope and help waiting for you!!
Nope...YOU cant fix it. Only he can, and ONLY when he is good and ready.
BUT.............
YOU can fix you, the pain you feel, the fear you have and the anxiety you experience. I do it thru alanon, 12 step program for familes of alkies.
Read all you can about the disease, go to meetings, and keep posting here. There is hope and help waiting for you!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, lucidiotic, glad you're here!
I was the same, expecting him to change. One day I finally got it - I couldn't change MYSELF (I kept staying in the same situation), why did I think I could change HIM? Also, why did I think it would be easy for HIM to change when I couldn't? Why did I expect it of him and not of me? I used the alcohol as an excuse, claiming he was hurting himself. The truth is that I was hurting myself far more, and I didn't want to face it.
Keep posting!
I was the same, expecting him to change. One day I finally got it - I couldn't change MYSELF (I kept staying in the same situation), why did I think I could change HIM? Also, why did I think it would be easy for HIM to change when I couldn't? Why did I expect it of him and not of me? I used the alcohol as an excuse, claiming he was hurting himself. The truth is that I was hurting myself far more, and I didn't want to face it.
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR lucidiotic... Glad to meet you.
There is a saying in Al-anon…. We did not cause this, We can not control this and we can not fix this.
A year in a relationship is not so long really, have you thought about stepping back for awhile and taking some time to figure out if you really want to be in a relationship with a person who displays unacceptable behavior when he drinks? I have lived with the disease of Alcoholism all my life… I have watched the progression of this disease through the end which was the death of my Mother… It is not easy in any sense of the word…. My sister is an Alcoholic, My ex husband and numerous boyfriends have been Alcoholic… yea you can say I have a pattern going there…
I have spent most of my life in some type of recovery being therapy, Al-anon, Open AA meetings, CoDA or SR… and I read everything I can get my hands on. Today I would not live in a relationship with an Alcoholic … that is not an option for me today. If you choose to continue a relationship with someone whose drinking effects you I can not suggest Al-anon strongly enough…
But before that … from the heart try to imagine how this will be in 5 years… Alcoholism is a progressive disease so if you think its bad now … try to imagine how much worse it can get… when I first started to work with this disease in a romantic relationship with my ex-AH he would tell me how sorry he was all the time the next day, bring me flowers and make promises of how it will be…. After about 5 years he stopped all that and did not even try to apologize for his behavior and drank daily and smoked pot… When our daughter was born I though for sure he would want to grow up and become a responsible father to her… NOPE…. Silly me with my expectations.. in fact with the added stress of a child it just got worse and now I had to worry about his having an “accident” with my daughter. (always an accident cuz he would tell me always he did not mean to)… in the end after 7 years of marriage and knowing him for 11 years… I took my 2 year old daughter and became a single Mom…
This is just a bit of my thoughts because I felt guilty leaving him and all the other feelings you are probably having… but I did not help anyone by staying and in fact I just added my daughter into the mix of people that have been hurt by this disease…
I look forward to getting to know you … Stick around, there are a lot of very wonderful people here at SR…
There is a saying in Al-anon…. We did not cause this, We can not control this and we can not fix this.
A year in a relationship is not so long really, have you thought about stepping back for awhile and taking some time to figure out if you really want to be in a relationship with a person who displays unacceptable behavior when he drinks? I have lived with the disease of Alcoholism all my life… I have watched the progression of this disease through the end which was the death of my Mother… It is not easy in any sense of the word…. My sister is an Alcoholic, My ex husband and numerous boyfriends have been Alcoholic… yea you can say I have a pattern going there…
I have spent most of my life in some type of recovery being therapy, Al-anon, Open AA meetings, CoDA or SR… and I read everything I can get my hands on. Today I would not live in a relationship with an Alcoholic … that is not an option for me today. If you choose to continue a relationship with someone whose drinking effects you I can not suggest Al-anon strongly enough…
But before that … from the heart try to imagine how this will be in 5 years… Alcoholism is a progressive disease so if you think its bad now … try to imagine how much worse it can get… when I first started to work with this disease in a romantic relationship with my ex-AH he would tell me how sorry he was all the time the next day, bring me flowers and make promises of how it will be…. After about 5 years he stopped all that and did not even try to apologize for his behavior and drank daily and smoked pot… When our daughter was born I though for sure he would want to grow up and become a responsible father to her… NOPE…. Silly me with my expectations.. in fact with the added stress of a child it just got worse and now I had to worry about his having an “accident” with my daughter. (always an accident cuz he would tell me always he did not mean to)… in the end after 7 years of marriage and knowing him for 11 years… I took my 2 year old daughter and became a single Mom…
This is just a bit of my thoughts because I felt guilty leaving him and all the other feelings you are probably having… but I did not help anyone by staying and in fact I just added my daughter into the mix of people that have been hurt by this disease…
I look forward to getting to know you … Stick around, there are a lot of very wonderful people here at SR…
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Van Alstyne Texas
Posts: 13
I'm with Cynay, are you sure you want to stay in this relationship? I've heard pro counselors say alcoholism always progresses. This is most definitely what has happened to my AW. The pros of the relationship may fade while the cons of it may increase. My suggestions: don't let inertia influence the situation.
Steve
Steve
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Welcome to SR!
I would have to second the idea of space from him. You need time to look at yourself, why would you want to be in a relationship like this? Do you have any issues you might need to work on like co-dependency? Also it will give him space to see how his mess affects HIM. You shouldn't feel guilt about his problem as it belongs to HIM not YOU. He had it before you met him and unless h finds help for himself, he'll have it after your gone.
Remember, you didn't cause it and you cannot cure it.
Love
Lily xxxxxxxx
I would have to second the idea of space from him. You need time to look at yourself, why would you want to be in a relationship like this? Do you have any issues you might need to work on like co-dependency? Also it will give him space to see how his mess affects HIM. You shouldn't feel guilt about his problem as it belongs to HIM not YOU. He had it before you met him and unless h finds help for himself, he'll have it after your gone.
Remember, you didn't cause it and you cannot cure it.
Love
Lily xxxxxxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 3
Thank you to everyone who replied.. I really am grateful for your advice. This is really helpful stuff, you have no idea. Lately it's like I'm taking on all these secrets and hiding them and it's just becoming too much. Being able to vent them and have people give me such sound advice is so relieving. I know that I have to accept that I can't change him but it's very difficult.. I do feel like I'm just leaving him to rot which is a horrible feeling.. but I can't stay with him just out of guilt..
Some of the posts on here regarding self-preservation give me alot of hope. If I can at least manage the situation so that I can take a step back to think about where I need to be.. that would be a real positive thing. Thanks again to all of you! I shall lurk around some more
Some of the posts on here regarding self-preservation give me alot of hope. If I can at least manage the situation so that I can take a step back to think about where I need to be.. that would be a real positive thing. Thanks again to all of you! I shall lurk around some more
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Lucidiotic 
He doesn't remember the next day.. and when I tell him he is full of apologies and tells me it's going to change.
Originally Posted by Lucidiotic
I really don't know what to do anymore.. is my staying with him unhelpful?
Originally Posted by Lucidiotic
but I feel like i'd just be deserting him to drink himself to death if I break up with him.
Originally Posted by Lucidiotic
I don't know whether I can fix this..
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I worried that my boyfriend might drink himself to death if I ended the relationship. But then I realized he was drinking himself to death right under my nose.
In the end, he achieved his goal. I'm glad I chose not to watch.
In the end, he achieved his goal. I'm glad I chose not to watch.
paint it black
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: denver, co
Posts: 13
Well, I haven't been on here in a while--been on the road--but every time I see more and more of the same story repeated over & over again.
We are the same age. My alcoholic xboyfriend was the same age. It seems so obvious, when we read these stories via text over the internet, that the man is no good. But I know how it really is: whether he's good or no good, to be in love (or lust) with someone is to be blind to their flaws; or if not blind, eternally deluded that your lover WILL change their ways for you.
But an addict is a merciless creature. The lies and deceit and drinking will get bigger, the burden you will be forced to bear will start interfering with everything else, if it hasn't already. The heartbreak of watching him slide down, despite your best efforts, will become enormous... but let him fall. He will eventually sink low enough that he either wakes up or drowns.
If you care for him, tell him that he needs help, and that you are leaving. You could offer to help him find help. And perhaps as he watches you pack your bags and feels his heart break, the urgency of the situation will finally hit him (as happened to my XABF). Then, if it is meant to be, maybe your roads will meet again, once he is recovered. Good luck.
And really, think about it. We are too young for this crap, anyway.
We are the same age. My alcoholic xboyfriend was the same age. It seems so obvious, when we read these stories via text over the internet, that the man is no good. But I know how it really is: whether he's good or no good, to be in love (or lust) with someone is to be blind to their flaws; or if not blind, eternally deluded that your lover WILL change their ways for you.
But an addict is a merciless creature. The lies and deceit and drinking will get bigger, the burden you will be forced to bear will start interfering with everything else, if it hasn't already. The heartbreak of watching him slide down, despite your best efforts, will become enormous... but let him fall. He will eventually sink low enough that he either wakes up or drowns.
If you care for him, tell him that he needs help, and that you are leaving. You could offer to help him find help. And perhaps as he watches you pack your bags and feels his heart break, the urgency of the situation will finally hit him (as happened to my XABF). Then, if it is meant to be, maybe your roads will meet again, once he is recovered. Good luck.
And really, think about it. We are too young for this crap, anyway.
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