New......and mad.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Michigan
Posts: 6
New......and mad.
I'm new.....hurt and mad....so, this got VERY long....sorry.
BF has been sober for 5 and a half months.....I have not drank during that time, to help support him. (I don't want to drink, and don't miss it) He's 37 and I'm 29....
He informed me a month or so ago, that he planned on drinking a neighbor's graduation party...(he's friends with the father/monther) He's not going because of the kid...he's going to drink. Well, needless to say, this did NOT go over too well with me. I think it's totally asinine to drink now.....
Just a few weeks ago, he told me that he had another occasion planned, in which he intended to drink.....we then "compromised", well *he* did at least....he thought if he picked one night, that was better than two.
He picked the other occasion, NOT the graduation party.
So, last night, we're eating dinner.....and he tells me that he thinks that I should go out with my friends this weekend....how I "deserve it" and how he thinks it "would be good for" me. Nothing like trying to justify *his* wanting to drink, is there....????
I'm not handling the thought of him drinking very well now....I don't think the actual night is going to be any better....and I REALLY don't think that by me going out, and adding alcohol to the situation, is going to help at all....(I'm not going out)
I don't know what to do. I don't want to go out, but I also don't want to sit home, while he's next door getting drunk/stoned. I won't be able to handle it......and he doesn't want me to go with him....which creates a whole 'nother problem. I don't want to go with him, but wonder if the only reason he doesnt want me to go, is because he's worried that I'll ruin his "good time", or if there's another reason....
There's ALOT of "history" between my BF and I.....and I mean ALOT.....it's a very long, and very complicated story.....and a VERY painful one. One example....we split up before Christmas, because woman were constantly calling him....and I know of one occasion that he called another woman. He lied about it, and he kept telling me that he had told them all not to call, and that it wasn't his fault that they were......blah, blah, blah. Turns out, he was allowing them to call....to keep them as "back ups".
The last straw (that time) was the night he got drunk, told me he loved me, then told me that he couldn't get his Ex "off of his mind"...then he proceeded to call her (right in front of me), tell her that he loved her, tell her that he hated me and that I "made" him let me move in with him......
There's soooo much more to the story.....The point is, I'm feeling really dumb for believing that this time would be different....and even dumber for moving back in with him.......I was starting to regain an ounce of trust, but that's gone now.......I'm worrying and wondering about what he's doing, where he's doing it and who he's doing it with....I'm sick of having the compulsion to check the caller ID and hit "redial" everytime I walk in the house.
I just needed to vent, thanks for listening....I don't know what I'm going to do....I'm still kind of hoping that his Ex will call and let the kids come this weekend, so that the party won't be an issue...he won't go if they're there.....
????????????
... (I posted this on another board...Margo suggested I come here...TIA :o)
BF has been sober for 5 and a half months.....I have not drank during that time, to help support him. (I don't want to drink, and don't miss it) He's 37 and I'm 29....
He informed me a month or so ago, that he planned on drinking a neighbor's graduation party...(he's friends with the father/monther) He's not going because of the kid...he's going to drink. Well, needless to say, this did NOT go over too well with me. I think it's totally asinine to drink now.....
Just a few weeks ago, he told me that he had another occasion planned, in which he intended to drink.....we then "compromised", well *he* did at least....he thought if he picked one night, that was better than two.
He picked the other occasion, NOT the graduation party.
So, last night, we're eating dinner.....and he tells me that he thinks that I should go out with my friends this weekend....how I "deserve it" and how he thinks it "would be good for" me. Nothing like trying to justify *his* wanting to drink, is there....????
I'm not handling the thought of him drinking very well now....I don't think the actual night is going to be any better....and I REALLY don't think that by me going out, and adding alcohol to the situation, is going to help at all....(I'm not going out)
I don't know what to do. I don't want to go out, but I also don't want to sit home, while he's next door getting drunk/stoned. I won't be able to handle it......and he doesn't want me to go with him....which creates a whole 'nother problem. I don't want to go with him, but wonder if the only reason he doesnt want me to go, is because he's worried that I'll ruin his "good time", or if there's another reason....
There's ALOT of "history" between my BF and I.....and I mean ALOT.....it's a very long, and very complicated story.....and a VERY painful one. One example....we split up before Christmas, because woman were constantly calling him....and I know of one occasion that he called another woman. He lied about it, and he kept telling me that he had told them all not to call, and that it wasn't his fault that they were......blah, blah, blah. Turns out, he was allowing them to call....to keep them as "back ups".
The last straw (that time) was the night he got drunk, told me he loved me, then told me that he couldn't get his Ex "off of his mind"...then he proceeded to call her (right in front of me), tell her that he loved her, tell her that he hated me and that I "made" him let me move in with him......
There's soooo much more to the story.....The point is, I'm feeling really dumb for believing that this time would be different....and even dumber for moving back in with him.......I was starting to regain an ounce of trust, but that's gone now.......I'm worrying and wondering about what he's doing, where he's doing it and who he's doing it with....I'm sick of having the compulsion to check the caller ID and hit "redial" everytime I walk in the house.
I just needed to vent, thanks for listening....I don't know what I'm going to do....I'm still kind of hoping that his Ex will call and let the kids come this weekend, so that the party won't be an issue...he won't go if they're there.....
????????????
... (I posted this on another board...Margo suggested I come here...TIA :o)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Michigan
Posts: 6
Me again.....
phone call....
They need a little message icon, that's pulling it hair out!!
I just called home to see if we're still going to his daughter's softball game tonight....otherwise, I've got plans.
I'm not happy....I'm not in a good mood....and he has the nerve to ask, "what's wrong?"....I didn't want to get into it....so I said, "nothing". He says, "Your lying"....
Well really?!!?!?! Do you really think so?!?!?!? WTF does he think is wrong?!?!?!?!
I told him that I wasn't arguing with him....that that wasn't the reason I called....
Then he asked if I called my one friend (to go out this weekend), I said "No, I will...".
He then proceeds to say...."I probably won't go anyways....'cause it being made into a huge disaster, and it doesn't have to be"
He thinks that he's screwed no mater what he does, I feel the same way.....I can't pretend to NOT mind that he goes, so that makes problems...and so now, if he doesn't go....he'll resent me..
This sucks!!!!!!!!!!! AAArrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They need a little message icon, that's pulling it hair out!!
I just called home to see if we're still going to his daughter's softball game tonight....otherwise, I've got plans.
I'm not happy....I'm not in a good mood....and he has the nerve to ask, "what's wrong?"....I didn't want to get into it....so I said, "nothing". He says, "Your lying"....
Well really?!!?!?! Do you really think so?!?!?!? WTF does he think is wrong?!?!?!?!
I told him that I wasn't arguing with him....that that wasn't the reason I called....
Then he asked if I called my one friend (to go out this weekend), I said "No, I will...".
He then proceeds to say...."I probably won't go anyways....'cause it being made into a huge disaster, and it doesn't have to be"
He thinks that he's screwed no mater what he does, I feel the same way.....I can't pretend to NOT mind that he goes, so that makes problems...and so now, if he doesn't go....he'll resent me..
This sucks!!!!!!!!!!! AAArrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Shiz
There are a lot of names for what he is doing to you, but the one that springs to mind is "abuse".
You don't deserve to be treated like this, and although you may "love' this man, the way you are living will make you sicker as time goes on.
If you haven't been to an Al-Anon meeting or Nar-Anon, please go and meet wonderful people who have been where you are and who can help you get your life back.
And you are not dumb, you are codependent and there is hope.
There is a wonderful book by Melody Beattie called "Codependent No More". Please buy a copy and I guarantee you will see yourself there - I know I saw myself. Also, read the "powerposts" at the top of the Al-Anon and Nar-Anon boards and see a lot of great information about recovery.
Only you can decide if you want to stay or go from this relationship, but if you begin working on your own recovery you will find your balance again and be able to make a healthy decision.
And please continue to join us here on our journey.
Sending hugs and prayers that you can find the strength to look after your own needs.
There are a lot of names for what he is doing to you, but the one that springs to mind is "abuse".
You don't deserve to be treated like this, and although you may "love' this man, the way you are living will make you sicker as time goes on.
If you haven't been to an Al-Anon meeting or Nar-Anon, please go and meet wonderful people who have been where you are and who can help you get your life back.
And you are not dumb, you are codependent and there is hope.
There is a wonderful book by Melody Beattie called "Codependent No More". Please buy a copy and I guarantee you will see yourself there - I know I saw myself. Also, read the "powerposts" at the top of the Al-Anon and Nar-Anon boards and see a lot of great information about recovery.
Only you can decide if you want to stay or go from this relationship, but if you begin working on your own recovery you will find your balance again and be able to make a healthy decision.
And please continue to join us here on our journey.
Sending hugs and prayers that you can find the strength to look after your own needs.
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
shiz
sorry your facing this tuff time.
remember you didnt cause it you cant control it and you cant cure it. He is trying to control his alcohol but if he is truely an alcoholic the sobriety doesnt last.
and..there is nothing you can do , most of us have tried the anger, tears and arguments. THe facts are: alcoholism has nothing to do with us, they may love us and want to please but they continue because it is a disease with no cure.
The good new is AA when they are ready to get honest with themselves and seek recovery, for us there is alanon a program for our own recovery and codependancy. The book Ann mentioned was very helpful to me but usualy I stick with alanon recovery books so as not to get confused by too many outside opinions.
Thinking of you and hoping you will do what is best for yourself.
Hugs
liddy
sorry your facing this tuff time.
remember you didnt cause it you cant control it and you cant cure it. He is trying to control his alcohol but if he is truely an alcoholic the sobriety doesnt last.
and..there is nothing you can do , most of us have tried the anger, tears and arguments. THe facts are: alcoholism has nothing to do with us, they may love us and want to please but they continue because it is a disease with no cure.
The good new is AA when they are ready to get honest with themselves and seek recovery, for us there is alanon a program for our own recovery and codependancy. The book Ann mentioned was very helpful to me but usualy I stick with alanon recovery books so as not to get confused by too many outside opinions.
Thinking of you and hoping you will do what is best for yourself.
Hugs
liddy
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
Ann, you enlighten me again
Ann,
You are always right there, nearly reading my mind, and telling me just what I ned to hear said.
I was reading Shiz's post and surprised at the anger I was feeling well up. I realized that although I hadn't dealt with the exact same scenario, the underlying theme was the same. And it brought back hurts and angers from my relationship with my AH that run all the way through to the early days of our relationship.
The selfishness of the A always disgusts me. It is always about them, and what they want. The way they can manipulate a situation in such a twisted way as to always make things our fault, always make us wrong if we dont't agree with them, and alwasy make what they just did OK (when it was so clearly not OK) -- it is unreal! I have said to my A in sarcasm a few times "It must be great to go through life truly believing everything bad that has ever happened to you has never been your fault. That you never do anything wrong."
But the part I find most damaging, if I can explain it right, is the sheer painful reality that they truly seem to believe the crap they are saying. I am always hurt hurt hurt that he would feel his behavior was ok. That he believes he did nothing wrong. I am constantly asking "do you really believe that? do you really see it that way?" I am so incredulous. Stunned I tell you. And hurt.
And, boy, it is the aspect that works against me most. Because I immediately go into codependent mode and panic that he sees things that way and how can I show him that he is wrong. How can I make him see me as wonderful again. Good grief. I have to laugh at mysefl as I admit this here.
And then, as I was finishing reading Shiz's posts I started thinking how hurtful that all is. How... what's the word?...........
And there you were, Ann, with the word. -- Abusive -- Yup. There it is. I never put that word to it but thats the leap my mind was trying to make.
Now if my heart can see what my mind just realized it should help me with my efforts of detachment. Thanks, as always, Ann, for helping me keep it real.
You are always right there, nearly reading my mind, and telling me just what I ned to hear said.
I was reading Shiz's post and surprised at the anger I was feeling well up. I realized that although I hadn't dealt with the exact same scenario, the underlying theme was the same. And it brought back hurts and angers from my relationship with my AH that run all the way through to the early days of our relationship.
The selfishness of the A always disgusts me. It is always about them, and what they want. The way they can manipulate a situation in such a twisted way as to always make things our fault, always make us wrong if we dont't agree with them, and alwasy make what they just did OK (when it was so clearly not OK) -- it is unreal! I have said to my A in sarcasm a few times "It must be great to go through life truly believing everything bad that has ever happened to you has never been your fault. That you never do anything wrong."
But the part I find most damaging, if I can explain it right, is the sheer painful reality that they truly seem to believe the crap they are saying. I am always hurt hurt hurt that he would feel his behavior was ok. That he believes he did nothing wrong. I am constantly asking "do you really believe that? do you really see it that way?" I am so incredulous. Stunned I tell you. And hurt.
And, boy, it is the aspect that works against me most. Because I immediately go into codependent mode and panic that he sees things that way and how can I show him that he is wrong. How can I make him see me as wonderful again. Good grief. I have to laugh at mysefl as I admit this here.
And then, as I was finishing reading Shiz's posts I started thinking how hurtful that all is. How... what's the word?...........
And there you were, Ann, with the word. -- Abusive -- Yup. There it is. I never put that word to it but thats the leap my mind was trying to make.
Now if my heart can see what my mind just realized it should help me with my efforts of detachment. Thanks, as always, Ann, for helping me keep it real.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 30
Dear Shiz,
I can really relate to those feelings of hurt (anger), frustration (anger), fear (anger) and outright desperation (anger too). There is a reason you are feeling this way. Something is wrong!!!
All I can say is (when you are ready) try to see and accept the situation as it really is, not as you wish it to be. You have good instincts and you have the power to take care of yourself, get help for yourself, value yourself, change yourself. Find someone who has successfully navigated the waters you are in now, and do what they do!! All things happen in there own time. I know when you are ready, you can deal with this....
I can really relate to those feelings of hurt (anger), frustration (anger), fear (anger) and outright desperation (anger too). There is a reason you are feeling this way. Something is wrong!!!
All I can say is (when you are ready) try to see and accept the situation as it really is, not as you wish it to be. You have good instincts and you have the power to take care of yourself, get help for yourself, value yourself, change yourself. Find someone who has successfully navigated the waters you are in now, and do what they do!! All things happen in there own time. I know when you are ready, you can deal with this....
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
Sorry about your fustration
shiz,
I am sorry to read of the misfortune you are going through. You are doing the right thing by coming here and finding people who are going through the same things. I also have an alcoholic husband and it gets so bad that you just want to scream at the top of your lungs!! I have to give you lots of credit because that took alot to sit there and watch your husband make an a$$ of himself to his ex. He is lucky to have you and may never know that till it's too late.
Stay strong and positive. Remember that we can bring a horse to water but we can't make him drink it. He must be ready for him and realize the pain he is putting you through. Isn't that amazing how they have no clue how they effect us? But if the shoe were on the other foot they would be sure to point it out and expect you to do something about it. Double standards, aren't they great?! Take care and I will keep you in my prayers
maryl
I am sorry to read of the misfortune you are going through. You are doing the right thing by coming here and finding people who are going through the same things. I also have an alcoholic husband and it gets so bad that you just want to scream at the top of your lungs!! I have to give you lots of credit because that took alot to sit there and watch your husband make an a$$ of himself to his ex. He is lucky to have you and may never know that till it's too late.
Stay strong and positive. Remember that we can bring a horse to water but we can't make him drink it. He must be ready for him and realize the pain he is putting you through. Isn't that amazing how they have no clue how they effect us? But if the shoe were on the other foot they would be sure to point it out and expect you to do something about it. Double standards, aren't they great?! Take care and I will keep you in my prayers
maryl
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ashland, KY
Posts: 12
I am just curious. Are these selfish behaviors prominent in all alcoholics? My A's mother just said to me,"Have you ever noticed that he seems to be all about himself? It is almost as if everyone around is just there to amuse. He has absolutely no concern for anyone else." I was a little stunned to hear her say this because she is usually very supportive of him and all of his behaviors. Before I let her in on our little family secret(alchoholism) she would have said that he acted this way because he is so incredibly intelligent. I would have secretly thought, Pllleeaase! Now that sit here reading these posts, I look back and think that I just thought it was a personality flaw. I suppose it is part of the disease.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Michigan
Posts: 6
Update......
First of all, I want to say "thank you" for all the replies.....
I don't know what happened a little while after I posted yesterday....but I went to my WeightWatchers meeting (I've lost almost 30 pounds in 15 weeks!!!
) Yeah Me!!!
I was thinking.....and came to this conclusion....
I'm worrying about something that hasn't happened (and may not happen, who knows???)....and about something that I can't control...I decided not to worry about it.....and a calm came over me. (I know that sounds goofy, but it did.)
I went to my meeting, stopped and got some groceries and went home. Things were a little tense, because he expected me to
be b!tchy......I had planned out what I was going to say to him, (I figured, if he wants to go, he can go...I can't stop him, and if I could keep him from going, the resentment wouldn't be a very good alternative).... but then figured that if he didn't want to talk about it, I wasn't going to bring it up....so, I just carried on as usual. Things were fine. I know that most the things I worry about, are because of my own insecurities.....I've been trying to work on that.
I have to work Saturday until noon....I plan on trying to get ahold of his Ex, or the kids (13 and 10) today, and seeing if I can take them for an hour or so on Saturday, so they can get something for their Dad for Father's Day.....and to see if she will let them even just stop by on Sunday for a little bit to see him.....
If I don't get to take them shopping for him Saturday, I figure I'll go and pick something up and take it to them.....THEN, I'm going to rent a couple movies that *I* want to see.....relax, and have some "me time"....
If he goes to the party, he goes....if he doesn't, he doesn't.....whatever happend, we'll just have to go from there.
He's shouldn't be deciding whether I'm happy, or sad.....I should be deciding that.
OK, I've rambled enough......thanks again.
I'm sure you'll hear more from me, sooner or later
I don't know what happened a little while after I posted yesterday....but I went to my WeightWatchers meeting (I've lost almost 30 pounds in 15 weeks!!!
) Yeah Me!!! I was thinking.....and came to this conclusion....
I'm worrying about something that hasn't happened (and may not happen, who knows???)....and about something that I can't control...I decided not to worry about it.....and a calm came over me. (I know that sounds goofy, but it did.)
I went to my meeting, stopped and got some groceries and went home. Things were a little tense, because he expected me to
be b!tchy......I had planned out what I was going to say to him, (I figured, if he wants to go, he can go...I can't stop him, and if I could keep him from going, the resentment wouldn't be a very good alternative).... but then figured that if he didn't want to talk about it, I wasn't going to bring it up....so, I just carried on as usual. Things were fine. I know that most the things I worry about, are because of my own insecurities.....I've been trying to work on that.
I have to work Saturday until noon....I plan on trying to get ahold of his Ex, or the kids (13 and 10) today, and seeing if I can take them for an hour or so on Saturday, so they can get something for their Dad for Father's Day.....and to see if she will let them even just stop by on Sunday for a little bit to see him.....
If I don't get to take them shopping for him Saturday, I figure I'll go and pick something up and take it to them.....THEN, I'm going to rent a couple movies that *I* want to see.....relax, and have some "me time"....
If he goes to the party, he goes....if he doesn't, he doesn't.....whatever happend, we'll just have to go from there.
He's shouldn't be deciding whether I'm happy, or sad.....I should be deciding that.
OK, I've rambled enough......thanks again.
I'm sure you'll hear more from me, sooner or later
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 12
?????
I have a ? for everyone if your SO wasn't an A would this behavior be acceptable??
I would assume the answer to be NO!
Not just the calling "Back up women" but why should he go to a party w/out you? What's the sense of being a couple if your alone?
I would assume the answer to be NO!
Not just the calling "Back up women" but why should he go to a party w/out you? What's the sense of being a couple if your alone?
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
good question bandi
I actually think about that question a lot. You see, my AH says he doesn't have a problem. And this leaves me with two possible scenarios to consider...
1) He is an A and in denial. He certainly matches every single characteristic of an A, and he certainly drinks more than enough. He has been through 3 rehabs and had a DUI last year. Close family and friends also agree he has been addicted to alcohol for many many years. So his drinking illness comes with all these other personality traits that make him an obnoxious human being much of the time (completely self-centered, dishonest, manipulative, irresponsible, etc.).
2) He is a complete jerk. He chooses to drink too much no matter how it hurts those around him. And chooses to drink that way and disregard passengers and others on the road. He has pretended to seek help at great expense to his family, just to 'shut them up' because he never really needed to go into any of those expensive programs. He cares so little about family and friends that he continues his drinking behavior at their social engagements no matter how they feel, often bringing his own beer with him. He is a self-centered, greedy liar who refuses to do anything for anyone but himself.
Hmmm. You see, when I consider scenario 2 it is easy to maintain our current separation and move towards divorce. His denying he has a problem makes him just look worse than if he would admit one.
But theres that scenario 1 that makes it difficult. It makes me obsess over whether my changing all my bad co-dependent behaviors would actually save the marriage. But then, if the best that saving it has to offer is scenario 1, do I really want to save it at all? Anyway, thats where I am, and thats I why your question is on my mind a lot.
1) He is an A and in denial. He certainly matches every single characteristic of an A, and he certainly drinks more than enough. He has been through 3 rehabs and had a DUI last year. Close family and friends also agree he has been addicted to alcohol for many many years. So his drinking illness comes with all these other personality traits that make him an obnoxious human being much of the time (completely self-centered, dishonest, manipulative, irresponsible, etc.).
2) He is a complete jerk. He chooses to drink too much no matter how it hurts those around him. And chooses to drink that way and disregard passengers and others on the road. He has pretended to seek help at great expense to his family, just to 'shut them up' because he never really needed to go into any of those expensive programs. He cares so little about family and friends that he continues his drinking behavior at their social engagements no matter how they feel, often bringing his own beer with him. He is a self-centered, greedy liar who refuses to do anything for anyone but himself.
Hmmm. You see, when I consider scenario 2 it is easy to maintain our current separation and move towards divorce. His denying he has a problem makes him just look worse than if he would admit one.
But theres that scenario 1 that makes it difficult. It makes me obsess over whether my changing all my bad co-dependent behaviors would actually save the marriage. But then, if the best that saving it has to offer is scenario 1, do I really want to save it at all? Anyway, thats where I am, and thats I why your question is on my mind a lot.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Hi again Shiz - boy, don't you love those lightbulb moments? What a difference between your last post and the first. It's a wonderful thing when we get to experience the things we read about in theory, i.e. really "getting it" that we are powerless and then detaching. Although it's hard at first to accept that we are truly powerless, when we do finally accept it we become empowered and so start our own journey of recovery.
Congrats on the weight loss! Keep posting!
Congrats on the weight loss! Keep posting!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Michigan
Posts: 6
New......and confused
be prepared for some rambling thoughts....
I've been reading through the posts.....and I know I have some codependency issues....but I've never really dealt with them. I'm almost 30 years old....and I've probably never been in a really healthy relationship. I've never been married....I have no children. And I wonder WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DOING?!?!?!?
Part of me resists the idea of being "codependent"....why should more things be my fault. Besides, I'm fine when I'm single...I only have these problems when I'm with someone....so, wouldn't that indicate that it's them, and NOT me????? (I'm half-way joking)
How can we tell ourselves to "detach" from the situation, when, because of our personality traits/faults, we put ourselves there??? Doesn't detaching, sound alot like ignoring? If I can/do "work the program"....isn't it kind of self-defeating to stay with A???? What's the point of "being well"...if you continue to be in a sick situation???
I don't know (right now) if the good stuff, outweighs the bad.....I feel like I'm just in for a long, long uphill climb.....and just fighting a losing battle.
Chances are.....even if he doesn't drink tomorrow....there is going to be a lifetime of graduation parties......heartache....disappointments......if not tomorrow, it will more than likely happen sooner, or later.
I want to be (at least "somewhat") happily married....I'd like to have children....I want to be"normal" (whatever that is...) I want to be able to attend family and social functions together....I DON'T want to have to hesitate and swallow that lump in my throat before I say BF's name to family members.....
He's been doing well for the last 5 and a half months of sobriety....and he hasn't done anything wrong (yet)....but the thought that all it's going to take is ONE time....and eventually, we'll end up right back where we started.....well, to be honest, it makes me sick and it scares the he!! out of me...
I foolishly gave up my independance, again.....
Sorry for going on and on.....I just needed to write. (I'm bored at work...)
I'm just trying to figure out what I'm really thinking right now....things are pretty confusing.
Thanks for allowing me to ramble............
I've been reading through the posts.....and I know I have some codependency issues....but I've never really dealt with them. I'm almost 30 years old....and I've probably never been in a really healthy relationship. I've never been married....I have no children. And I wonder WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DOING?!?!?!?
Part of me resists the idea of being "codependent"....why should more things be my fault. Besides, I'm fine when I'm single...I only have these problems when I'm with someone....so, wouldn't that indicate that it's them, and NOT me????? (I'm half-way joking)
How can we tell ourselves to "detach" from the situation, when, because of our personality traits/faults, we put ourselves there??? Doesn't detaching, sound alot like ignoring? If I can/do "work the program"....isn't it kind of self-defeating to stay with A???? What's the point of "being well"...if you continue to be in a sick situation???
I don't know (right now) if the good stuff, outweighs the bad.....I feel like I'm just in for a long, long uphill climb.....and just fighting a losing battle.
Chances are.....even if he doesn't drink tomorrow....there is going to be a lifetime of graduation parties......heartache....disappointments......if not tomorrow, it will more than likely happen sooner, or later.
I want to be (at least "somewhat") happily married....I'd like to have children....I want to be"normal" (whatever that is...) I want to be able to attend family and social functions together....I DON'T want to have to hesitate and swallow that lump in my throat before I say BF's name to family members.....
He's been doing well for the last 5 and a half months of sobriety....and he hasn't done anything wrong (yet)....but the thought that all it's going to take is ONE time....and eventually, we'll end up right back where we started.....well, to be honest, it makes me sick and it scares the he!! out of me...
I foolishly gave up my independance, again.....
Sorry for going on and on.....I just needed to write. (I'm bored at work...)
I'm just trying to figure out what I'm really thinking right now....things are pretty confusing.
Thanks for allowing me to ramble............
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
shiz,
I know what you mean about wanting to be "somewhat" happily married. Am I being idealistic by having that desire? They say that happiness is a choice. I guess we can choose to be happy in whatever life or situation we find ourselves in, but we cannot control the actions and behaviors of others.
I'm feeling rather bummed out today. AH returned from a two week business trip in Europe. He's been sober for four months and we are separated. He's also engaged in inappropriate behaviors/actions for a married man and I believe that he is a sex addict as well. He denies this. Anyway, it's none of my business, but I don't think he drank while he was away.
However, he did leave his e-mail up yesterday after he left from visiting the kids and I peeked. I know, I know....big bad mistake for me. I found a couple of disturbing e-mails in his draft box that were internet ads for "thousands of georgous European women....." They were escort services. And it was dated just a few days before he left.
Ok, he claims to have "lost" his cravings for this sex stuff when he became sober......after seeing what was in his e-mail, would you believe that?
He's desparate to win me back.....saying he's changed and has found God.
This leaves me feeling sad and numb inside. Do I still want to believe him!
Sarah
I know what you mean about wanting to be "somewhat" happily married. Am I being idealistic by having that desire? They say that happiness is a choice. I guess we can choose to be happy in whatever life or situation we find ourselves in, but we cannot control the actions and behaviors of others.
I'm feeling rather bummed out today. AH returned from a two week business trip in Europe. He's been sober for four months and we are separated. He's also engaged in inappropriate behaviors/actions for a married man and I believe that he is a sex addict as well. He denies this. Anyway, it's none of my business, but I don't think he drank while he was away.
However, he did leave his e-mail up yesterday after he left from visiting the kids and I peeked. I know, I know....big bad mistake for me. I found a couple of disturbing e-mails in his draft box that were internet ads for "thousands of georgous European women....." They were escort services. And it was dated just a few days before he left.
Ok, he claims to have "lost" his cravings for this sex stuff when he became sober......after seeing what was in his e-mail, would you believe that?
He's desparate to win me back.....saying he's changed and has found God.
This leaves me feeling sad and numb inside. Do I still want to believe him!
Sarah
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 30
What's the point of "being well"...if you continue to be in a sick situation???
I'm doing really well on my own and the healthier I get through recovery, the more I believe that I will no longer want to involve myself in those sick situations (at least I hope I won't) or if I find myself in one, I'll get out quick. I won't linger and refuse to see the reality of the situation as the months and years pile up behind me. That's my plan anyway. I'm so much more aware than I used to be and it sounds like you are too. When we know better we can do better right!
to Sarah
He's desparate to win me back.....saying he's changed and has found God.
Also, many alcoholics have cross addictions such as a sex addiction, gambling etc... This is very common and as you might imagine this can be a hard pill to swallow. AA is program that requires us to go to any length to recover, not the least of which is being fearlessly and thoroughly honest with ourselves and then telling this truth to another human being. (step 4 and 5). This is a good program for life and if worked earnestly everything should eventually come out in the wash, but it takes time, and nobody can work it perfectly, it's all about progress. Only he can do the work and it is work.
Last edited by Ophelia; 06-13-2003 at 04:03 PM.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
Ophelia,
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your feedback and insight. Your perspective has provided so much comfort to me....just in the fact that maybe I'm NOT crazy.
He says this is the first time that he has been in true recovery, but I'm not trusting it. I set boundaries that he is constantly testing.
Ophelia....we have been married for 20 years. You know the cycle.
And you are right.....he is desparate to move back home. This is the first time we've separated and I think he's in shock. I just got tired of the pain......I "detatched" for so many years....I supported him....and I forgave him....and I trusted him. I just reached a point where I could not put myself at risk for more pain. I'm fearful, but will remain strong.
Thank you, again, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing your perspective with me. I appreciate it!
Deb
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your feedback and insight. Your perspective has provided so much comfort to me....just in the fact that maybe I'm NOT crazy.
He says this is the first time that he has been in true recovery, but I'm not trusting it. I set boundaries that he is constantly testing.
Ophelia....we have been married for 20 years. You know the cycle.
And you are right.....he is desparate to move back home. This is the first time we've separated and I think he's in shock. I just got tired of the pain......I "detatched" for so many years....I supported him....and I forgave him....and I trusted him. I just reached a point where I could not put myself at risk for more pain. I'm fearful, but will remain strong.
Thank you, again, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing your perspective with me. I appreciate it!
Deb
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ashland, KY
Posts: 12
Shiz,
Great job on the weight loss. Doesn't that feel empowering to have that kind of control over your own body?
I am really proud of you for watching movies you wanted to see. I can't count the science fiction and horror movies I have watched when I didn't want to. Not anymore.
I also think that part of being in any relationship has it's ups and downs. It is a cycle. It is very difficult to decide if the downs are worth it. My big moment of enlightenment came when I realized that in our co-dependency, we just expected the other to be there. Our A's expect that we will always be there to take care of them.(self-centered) We expect that we will always be there to take care of them.(This is a learned behavior from living with self-centered people.) Only you can decide what is right for YOU. Meditate and ask God. Your answer will come to you. (These message boards help, too.)
Great job on the weight loss. Doesn't that feel empowering to have that kind of control over your own body?
I am really proud of you for watching movies you wanted to see. I can't count the science fiction and horror movies I have watched when I didn't want to. Not anymore.
I also think that part of being in any relationship has it's ups and downs. It is a cycle. It is very difficult to decide if the downs are worth it. My big moment of enlightenment came when I realized that in our co-dependency, we just expected the other to be there. Our A's expect that we will always be there to take care of them.(self-centered) We expect that we will always be there to take care of them.(This is a learned behavior from living with self-centered people.) Only you can decide what is right for YOU. Meditate and ask God. Your answer will come to you. (These message boards help, too.)
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ashland, KY
Posts: 12
Deb,
I have an analogy for you. I have been married to my A for 13 years. He has recently moved out of my house. This was the moment that I took control of my life.
Your spouse has been around so long, he is like your foot. You love your foot and want to keep it for the rest of your life. You find out you have gangrene in that foot.(alcoholism) You need to have the foot removed. You don't want to, but you know it could save your life. You can't get rid of the infection any other way. What would you do? I had my foot amputated. I may get it re-attached sometime, but I may just get a new foot someday!
As I read this I think: My God! These are the ramblings of an insane person, but that was my rationalization. I just couldn't paint the nails and put on cute sandals another day.
BusyMom
I have an analogy for you. I have been married to my A for 13 years. He has recently moved out of my house. This was the moment that I took control of my life.
Your spouse has been around so long, he is like your foot. You love your foot and want to keep it for the rest of your life. You find out you have gangrene in that foot.(alcoholism) You need to have the foot removed. You don't want to, but you know it could save your life. You can't get rid of the infection any other way. What would you do? I had my foot amputated. I may get it re-attached sometime, but I may just get a new foot someday!
As I read this I think: My God! These are the ramblings of an insane person, but that was my rationalization. I just couldn't paint the nails and put on cute sandals another day.
BusyMom
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