LITA1978

OK LAST NIGHT MY AH CAME OVER TO VISIT OUR DAUGHTER. OF COURSE IT WAS NOT AT THE TIME HE TOLD ME ORIGNALLY. I DONT GET HOME UNTIL 630 AND I PUT OUR CHILD TO BED AROUND 9 OR SO. WELL HE TOLD ME HE WOULD BE THERE AT 7 OR 730. I TOLD HIM THAT WAS FINE CAUSE HE NEEDED TO SEE HER. WELL 730 ROLLS AROUND AND GUESS WHAT.. NO AH YET. THE PHONE RINGS AROUND 745. I AM ON THE WAY. DID I WANT HIM TO STILL COME. I SAID ITS ALREADY LATE I HAVE TO PUT HER TO BED SOON. HE SAID I CAN BE THERE IN 15. I TOLD HIM DO WHAT EVER HE FELT LIKE HE SHOULD DO. WELL I DID NOT HEAR ANYTHING FROM HIM UNTIL 840 WHEN HE CAME PULLING IN THE DRIVE WAY. OH DID I MENTION HE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE BRINGING ME MONEY. ANYWAY. AS SOON AS HE GOT THERE MY LITTLE GIRL WHEN TO CRYING. SHE KNOWS WHEN HE COMES HE IS GOING TO LEAVE. WELL THIS MADE FOR A LOVELY NIGHT. SO AROUND 915 I WENT TO LAY HER DOWN AND SHE JUST CRIED AND CRIED AND CRIED. SHE WAS SO TIRED BUT WANTED TO SEE HIM TOO. I GOT HER CALMED DOWN ENOUGH TO LAY DOWN. IN THE PROCESS OF DOING THAT HE HAD THE NERVE TO SEND ME A TEXT MESSAGE ASKING IF I WAS COMING BACK OUT OR DID HE NEED TO LEAVE. NOOOOOOOOOOOO HE COULD NOT ASK IF HE COULD ASSIST IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING HER TO SLEEP HE WAS JUST WORRIED ABOUT HIMSELF. SO WHILE I WAS IN THERE LOOSING MY MIND BECASUE NOTHING MADE HER HAPPY HE LEFT. THANK GOD!!!! WELL AFTER I GOT MYSELF TOGETHER I CALLED HIM AND LET HIM HAVE IT. AND OF COURSE I HURT HIS FEELINGS BY TELLING HIM LIKE IT IS. I TOLD HIM HE SHOULD NOT HAVE COME SO LATE AND GET HER UPSET. HE WAS LIKE "U SAID I COULD". i TOLD HIM HE SHOULD STOP AND THINK ABOUT US AND HER SCHEDULE AND MAKE A DECISION. HE DOES NOT THINK. IT MAKES ME SOOOOO MAD. I TOLD HIM NO MORE VISITS DURING THE WEEK UNLESS ITS EARLIER THAN 830. I TOLD HIM I WAS TIRED OF BEING NICE AND DOING WHAT RICHIE WANTED TO DO.

OH ABOUT THE MONEY. THIS IS THE FUNNY PART. HE PULLS OUT TEN DOLLARS AND SAYS THIS IS ALL I HAVE. I WANTED TO LAUGH IN HIS FACE. I DID NOT TAKE IT BECAUSE THATS NOT WHAT HE TOLD ME HE WAS GOING TO BRING ME. KEEP IN MIND HE HAS NOT BEEN HELPING WITH SIERRA OR HELPING ME PAY CHILDCARE. SO HE IS WAY BEHIND AND I GUESS HE THINKS TEN DOLLARS WILL DO FOR NOW.

THANKS FOR LISTENING. I JUST WANTED TO VENT A LITTLE.
:praying

rahsue

I would've snatched that ten bucks outta his hand so fast all he would've seen was a flash of green.

LITA1978

Ha Ha. Well I Think I Should Have. At The Same Time. I Could Not Do It. I Am Doing Good Staying Away From Him And Only Talking To Him Once A Day. I Am Slowing Getting Away From Him And Eventually Getting A Divorce. I Cant Do This Anymore. I Think That Is The Best Thing For Me And Him.

mooselips

Lita,
Sure can see why you're upset over his "late" visit.
But, you did a good thing for your daughter by putting up a boundary, and telling him when NOT to visit.

Sometimes, we lose our temper, and get alot of feelings off our chest, and it's not necessarily a bad thing. You've got a grip on it now. You're in a tough situation here, needing the extra money, which would be really nice, and taking responsibility for your daughter.

You're a good mom.

Hugs,

nytepassion

My ex used to do the same kind of stuff. I would get so angry because he would say he was coming by and I'd let the kids know .. and then he wouldn't show.
(well instead of staying in the problem .. I found the solution = I stopped telling them when he said he'd drop by ... (what they didn't know, couldn't hurt them) If he showed they were surprised and happy.

I also had the problem of him calling me up and making arrangements with me to come see them at a certain time.... We all know that addicts rarely if ever show up when they say .. they are generally late .. waaaaaaaaay late ... As I sat around all day waiting for him to show up I'd find myself seething at his utter disrespect for my time .. my solution was that the next time I talked to him .. I let him know that I would no longer put my day on hold and wait around for him .. If he selected a time to be here .. he needed to be here at that time .. if he was late, HIS LOSS ... because if I had things to do I would simply take the kids, leave and go about my day.


I had left him because of his addiction and the behavior ... I had moved into my own place with our children .. and I learned real fast that that I had to set boundaries and stick to them. for me and the kids sake ... Not for him ... If I had not done so I would have just been tossed about .. back and forth by him and his irresponsible behavior.

In the beginning though I tried to accommodate him and be understanding .. but when the behavior kept repeating itself .. I had to clearly draw the line. After all he could only do to me what I allowed him too.

soooo,
I let him know the rules .. if he broke them .. that was on him .. not me.

He learned real quick that my world no longer revolved around him.
He knew what was and wasn't acceptable it was his choice how he played his cards. I was no longer in a no win situation and held the upper hand.
I was in control of my own life (no longer tossed about by his addiction).

****{Hugs}}}
Passion

LITA1978

I Get So Tired And Worn Out By Him Just Tossing Me Around. I Am Just Sick Of It. I Told Him So Too. This Is The Hardest Part Of Having A Husband That Is An Addict. I Love Him So Much But Learning To Love Myself Even More. Believe Me I Am Trying. I Dont Even Cry About It Anymore. That Scares Me Cause His Actions Are Pushing Me Further Away And Making Me Love Him Less And Less. Love Should Not Be This Hard Is What I Tell Myself. I Want Better For Me. I Want Better For Sierra. Thats What I Keep Saying To Myself In My Head. Thats What Pushes Me Not To Enable Him And Not Feel Sorry For Him. Its Working. I Suprise Myself More And More Everyday.

He Called Me A Few Minutes Ago And Told Me He Was Bringing Me Money (150) After 2. We Will See. I Just Said Ok. Talk To You Later.... It Will Be Saturday Before I Get My Money And Probably Only About 20 Of It. Anyway. I Told Him I Dont Ask For Much Just His Share In Taking Care Of Our Child. Thats It.

an'ka

Lita, so many of us can relate to your situation!! Addicts are so selfish and will continue to think only of their own needs until they seek true recovery. We try so hard to understand and be accomodating and put ourselves, and our children (which is even worse), on the backburner. It is challenging to change that pattern of thought, but we've all got to do it.

File for child support--think of your daughter's welfare. I waited 3 years for my AH to finally start giving me money--3 years of wasted energy, frustration, anger and complaining! I finally had to become a b___ and say that if I do not start receiving automatic bank deposits by such and such date, I'm officially filing for child support. You are the caretaker and you need the money, so don't even give him a second thought. Trust me, he's going to be just fine.

LITA1978

Well I Have One Problem With That. We Are Not Divorced Yet And He Gets Paid Under The Table. I Have No Idea In This World Exactly What He Makes. I Know He Makes Anywhere From 500 To 600 Dollars Weekly. So How Do You Get Support If You Are Not Divorce And He Does Not Pay In Taxes Or Get A "regular" Check???

LITA1978

well I have learned not to depend on anything he tells me. I told him if he did not contribute then he want see her. First of all I will not allow him to keep her unless he is straight and he is helping me take care of her. I refuse that. He also knows I mean business whenever it comes to her. She is first no matter what. My bills are paid no matter what. i do without a lot of material things just so i can take care of her. Thank god for the parents that I have and the very close friends i have that have helped me in the past few months because of my husbands choices. Also i thank this save haven here. i love to come here and read. It makes me feel better and know i am making the right choices even though sometimes it feels like they are the the wrong ones.

oh an update. He actually brought me some money about 30 minutes ago. 100 fat ones. ahahahaha. I about had a heart attack. haha. thanks again to everyone here. I love each and everyone that reads and replies.

BrokenBridges24

Good for you!!! :bounce