mattdt83

Hi all,

Ill apologise in advance for this, its probably going to be long and disjointed! My name is Matt and im 24. I live in a little sea sidey town in the UK. I've been friends with a chap (whom I'll call Brian) for over 8 years now. For may years myself and our 30+ friends have had a very close knit relationship with each other and treat each other like family more than friends. Brian had been learning Law and proceeded to do his A-Levels and GCSE's.

Around 2002 Brian split up with his long term girlfriend, just around the time that our social group all went various ways to Universities and what not. He handled it pretty badly and has never seen anyone since. He put on weight and lost his physical fitness (he used to be an amateur Karate competitor) quite dramatically, his skin has paled and has really just let himself go.

Now everyone has returned to our town after being in university, our group is again quite close, but Brian seemed to distance himself from us. I have never really had the same close relationship I once had with him since leaving for uni. We see each other in the pub and we exchange pleasantries and see how each other is doing and what not, but no one seems to hang out with him during the daytime, in the pub after work is literally the only time we see him.

Anyhow, we succesfully managed to get him to come to Alton Towers ( a theme park in the Midlands ) last summer, so we all piled on the coach at 7am. It was evident that Brian hadnt been to sleep. He looked awful and stunk of booze and cigarettes. He claimed he had just been at home on his own the night before. On the coach he sat and clutched two small Fanta bottles. These turned out to be more or less filled 70% Vodka to 30% mixer. He was a mess the entire day, opting to stay in various bars around the park instead of going on rides. This was more or less the biggest sign that Brian had a problem with alcohol. Days and weeks would go by people wouldn't see him, he got a job working as an assistant manager in a local pub. We wouldnt see him because it turns out he had a bed there and would often sleep over!?

Then his parents split up, his mother moved away and his Dad bought him a flat to live in on his own. He seemed to get a lot worse, whenever we would see him he would be as white as a sheet, sweating profusely and unfit and out of breath. He started being nicknamed and turned into a bit of a joke to most people in our town. Various members of our group started to tell him to sort his life out and stop drinking as much, but it fell upon deaf ears. Whenever he was actually out people would tell him to stop drinking, offer to come round to his flat and play computer games and hang out without booze, none of which ever made any difference.

A month or two ago, I heard from a friend that he had been rushed into hospital with chest pains. I immediatly went to see Brian about this as I was very very concerned. Brian is after all only 23 years old.

He was very vague, stating that he had been hooked up to various tubes and various wires. I asked if it was down to the drinking and smoking and he said the doctors had told him that they didnt know, and that they havent said to stop drinking. I knew at this point that denial was an issue now. Couple of weeks passed and here we are. I spoke to him again and he now has to have heart surgery in February, involving cracking his ribs open and stopping his heart for 'exploratory reasons'. I asked if he had stopped drinking then as he is on medication every day now, he stated that he hadnt. I asked why and he sadly said that it was evident he 'only had a short shelf life left', and that if he did die anyway no one would be that bothered.

I was furious, I told him to stop being so ridiculous, that everyone loved him dearly and everyone is rooting for him to shake the booze. He shrugged it off, I said that I'd call him the next day and we'd plan to hang out. The following day he said he had to work. :S

Brian now works at the pub constantly, his dad pays his rent and its evident that he isnt going to univerity studying Law like he claims. He is consistently drunk during day times, holding his now trademark Fanta bottles filled with vodka. A friend went round to his flat to pick some things up and found 4 unopened bottles of vodka under his seat. Brian stated that 'he just buys one whenever he's out'.


Now, basically I don't really know how to help Brian anymore. Neither I or any of my friends have been in a situation like this before, and we are desperate to help Brian.

Thats where you guys come in hopefully, can you offer any advice to us? Dont hesitate to ask any more questions I know my story is a little all over the place.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks a lot.

Matt.

grateful2b

Welcome to SR, Matthew and thank you for sharing your story about your friend Brian. You've come to a great place where there are a lot of people in your spot: loving someone who is destroying themselves with alcohol and at a loss as to how you can help them. The truth is that you can't really do much at this point until Brian wants to help himself. Keep posting, you will find a lot of truth and wisdom in the posts here.

Barbara52

As hard as it is to watch someone you care about destroy themselves, there is not a whole lot you can do about it. He has undoubtedly been told by his doctors that he is killing himself. You and your friends have told him the same thing. He knows what he is doing is going to result in his death sooner or later. But only he can decide to change. No one can do that for him.

Continuing to talk to him about it may make you feel better in that you can later tell yourself you did all you could do but if he chooses not to listen and act to save himself, that is his right. He is an adult.

I'm sorry you are having to go thru this. It is so sad to see yet more lives being messed up because of alcohol.

mattdt83

I have planned to go round to his house on his next day off, probably Thursday evening with a friend just to hang out with him. We aim to quietly talk to him and try and persuade him to go to an AA meet with us. Even if its just for a quick look sort of thing. We were thinking along the lines of big interventions too, but i fear this may push him further away.

Does anyone have any opinions on interventions etc? I have read mixed reviews. :S

Thanks for your kind replies so far.

Matt.

Barbara52

Interventions can be effective. But the bottom line is always going to be his desire to save himself. If its not there, the best intervention, the most expensive rehab, everything is not going to work long term.

I hope that you can get thru to him. He's so young to be throwing life away. But I also hope you and your friends take care of yourselves and don't allow yourselves to feel responsible in anyway for your friend's choices, good or bad.

Miss Pink

Interventions has to be strategically planned. There has to be a "or else" lined up...meaning all the important people in his life must agree to stop enabling and supporting him if he chooses NOT to enter treatment. You should also speak with a treatment center before intervening to arrange his stay there. There are professional interventionists whom can arrange things for you and lead the intervention.

I do know a sponsee of mine hired one, flew in her husbands family and performed a very successful intervention, when he has been sober almost 5 yrs now. It can be done, must must be thought out and executed with skill and expertise.

In the mean time, try alanon....good support there.....there is simply nothing you can do to help someone who just doesnt want to be helped.

hope2bhappy

I can understand your sadness. When I first found my way to this group, this is what I was looking for and what I discovered:

* I needed a fix to my problem (the alcoholic). There wasn't one.

* I needed answers about how to help him. There weren't any.

* I needed a solution to make him stop drinking. Nope.

* I needed support. Bingo. Support abounds here.

As much as you want to help him, you can't until he is ready to ask for it.

bluejay6

i know there are different opinions regarding the concept of "hands off the addict". and that many people believe there is nothing you can do until an addict wants help.

i think there are times when an addict is clearly dying right before someone's eyes and still everyone is waiting for that addict to hit the right bottom and to volunteer for treatment.
my feeling on reading your post is that your friend is dying. his health situation is extremely critical and he is irrational, delusional and possibly suicidal as a result of his addiction.
if i had a friend in such a life-or-death situation, i would speak to his family and friends about a professional intervention. he can no longer help himself, it seems to me, as severe depression brought on by alcoholism appears to be present. addiction aside, those who are suffering severe clinical depression require intervention, for they simply cannot help themselves and are at high risk for suicide.

i suggest you to take the extra step to speak to a professional addiction specialist about intervention. i think time is of the essence.

wishing you all the best for your friend's safe return to himself.

mattdt83

Thanks very much for the kind words, we're still waiting for him to be 'free' - apparently he's working a lot. *shrugs*

After our discussion, I think Ill have a better idea on a course of action.

Mair

Hi Matt

I had the same problem with my ab, i thought i could cure him WRONG, im afraid only they can do that. my advise to you and your friends is to learn about the disease, i read a really good book called "under the influence" i got it off amazon. My initial idea was to give this book to my ab to read, instead i read it myself and learnt that alcoholism is a cruel and manipulative disease. after finishing the book i gave it to ab to my knowlege it's gathering dust on the bookshelf.

You and your friends will find that you are wasting time and energy, you will get tierd of his excuses and his lies, all of you need to find ways to stop enabling him and basically the hardest thing to do for a loved one, is let him hit his bottom, let him deal with the consequences of his drinking Hopefully he is young enough to do this.

It's a painful rollercoaster, look after youselfs. i know it sounds selfish but that's all you can do, till he decides he wants to stop.

Keep reading here it's a godsend.

Mair
xx