Don't want to be here but glad I found you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 36
Don't want to be here but glad I found you
This is really one messageboard that I never wanted to use. Please, don't take offense. My AH is really about to fall I think. We've been married almost 17 years. 3 kids and he's currently sick with bronchitis, home from work and drinking! Given antibiotics which he has not even started. He also suffers from depression and Type 2 diabetes. He's 40 years old and alcohol has been a problem for at least the last 10 years.
I myself am at my wits' end. I don't know how I function every day. It seems he's so different and he blames me for everything. Abuse is there from time to time. We used to be so "normal." It just gets worse and I fear for my kids and what they're going through. He says he's fine with divorce but I really don't want to do that. I want to make it work. I want him to be well but I'm afraid of damage already done. I believe the diabetes and the depression developed because of the alcoholism and it could've been avoided. And I'm rambling so for that I apologize.
He needs help. We all need counselling. I'm embarrassed and ashamed and I don't feel the hurt anymore. I don't know what I feel. I can't even cry and I'm a crier. I just need some support and I hope he'll get the help he needs because he's got physical and mental symptoms that I think he won't recover from and on top of all this he seems obsessed with intimacy which just makes me ill these days.
Thanks for reading and bless you all.
I myself am at my wits' end. I don't know how I function every day. It seems he's so different and he blames me for everything. Abuse is there from time to time. We used to be so "normal." It just gets worse and I fear for my kids and what they're going through. He says he's fine with divorce but I really don't want to do that. I want to make it work. I want him to be well but I'm afraid of damage already done. I believe the diabetes and the depression developed because of the alcoholism and it could've been avoided. And I'm rambling so for that I apologize.
He needs help. We all need counselling. I'm embarrassed and ashamed and I don't feel the hurt anymore. I don't know what I feel. I can't even cry and I'm a crier. I just need some support and I hope he'll get the help he needs because he's got physical and mental symptoms that I think he won't recover from and on top of all this he seems obsessed with intimacy which just makes me ill these days.
Thanks for reading and bless you all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
Welcome Home
Welcome DF I'm so sorry to hear of your situation
the first thing that comes to mind would be
counseling for you and the kids maybe he would follow after awhile.
Take care of your self and maybe things will start to fall in place.
God bless you & may peace find your heart.
the first thing that comes to mind would be
counseling for you and the kids maybe he would follow after awhile.
Take care of your self and maybe things will start to fall in place.
God bless you & may peace find your heart.
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
Welcome, first and foremost take care of you and the kids, it is easier said then done I know , I came out from the same situation 2yrs ago and although things are tough financially, my kids are better off because they have Mom in Recovery, me look up allanon and see if it is something that can help you and your kids,
God Bless and Welcome
God Bless and Welcome
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
thank you for reaching out, df.
yes, he needs help, as do you and most especially your children. the psychological damage to them is far worse than the physical damage to his body.
you do not have much time. he is getting worse, the children are suffering, and you are shutting down. so it is time to take action now. no more waiting for him to take action...he can't, not yet. right now, you are the only one who can act. writing to this board is one of many steps in the right direction. but you need to take a hundred more.
you do not have to think in extremes, as in divorce or stay. addicts think in extremes. you do not have to. there is always temporary separation. "love them from afar", says dr. phil, of addict spouses. it is good advice, i think. the addict needs to find his recovery on his own. and you need to stop rescuing him. and the children need to escape the insane atmosphere of an addict home. but you do not need to think now in terms of endings, but rather in terms of beginnings. make a new beginning for your family and your marriage: see an addictions counselor, attend an al-anon meeting, read books like 'the addictive personality" by craig nakken, and take your children to counseling so they can be healed. they have absorbed it all. they are being damaged every day. make a new beginning.
much love to you as you make your way through the rough seas ahead. you will prevail, but prepare for rough waters.
they will not last. but you will have to ride them out if you want to save your family.
yes, he needs help, as do you and most especially your children. the psychological damage to them is far worse than the physical damage to his body.
you do not have much time. he is getting worse, the children are suffering, and you are shutting down. so it is time to take action now. no more waiting for him to take action...he can't, not yet. right now, you are the only one who can act. writing to this board is one of many steps in the right direction. but you need to take a hundred more.
you do not have to think in extremes, as in divorce or stay. addicts think in extremes. you do not have to. there is always temporary separation. "love them from afar", says dr. phil, of addict spouses. it is good advice, i think. the addict needs to find his recovery on his own. and you need to stop rescuing him. and the children need to escape the insane atmosphere of an addict home. but you do not need to think now in terms of endings, but rather in terms of beginnings. make a new beginning for your family and your marriage: see an addictions counselor, attend an al-anon meeting, read books like 'the addictive personality" by craig nakken, and take your children to counseling so they can be healed. they have absorbed it all. they are being damaged every day. make a new beginning.
much love to you as you make your way through the rough seas ahead. you will prevail, but prepare for rough waters.
they will not last. but you will have to ride them out if you want to save your family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 36
Thank you all for your kindness. It's much appreciated and I can't believe there are so many people here going through the same thing.
He does not want help. I spoke with him this morning. He says he goes back to the drinking because he's not getting what he wants from me. I'm so tired of taking all the blame all the time. Some days I feel like it really is all my fault. I feel like if I can get him to counselling he can overcome all the demons that have plagued him through his childhood and he would understand why it's difficult for me to be close to him but it's getting there that's proving to be the challenge.
One day he'll say yes, he'll go and before I get a chance to set anything up he's changed his mind. He knows this will make him very ill and there's a possibility that he'll end up dying but it seems he doesn't care. Is depression this common with alcoholism? With the support here, I'll keep trying. I'm not giving up. Thanks for the encouragement.
He does not want help. I spoke with him this morning. He says he goes back to the drinking because he's not getting what he wants from me. I'm so tired of taking all the blame all the time. Some days I feel like it really is all my fault. I feel like if I can get him to counselling he can overcome all the demons that have plagued him through his childhood and he would understand why it's difficult for me to be close to him but it's getting there that's proving to be the challenge.
One day he'll say yes, he'll go and before I get a chance to set anything up he's changed his mind. He knows this will make him very ill and there's a possibility that he'll end up dying but it seems he doesn't care. Is depression this common with alcoholism? With the support here, I'll keep trying. I'm not giving up. Thanks for the encouragement.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: by the sea
Posts: 183
DF, I am so sorry for your pain - my soon to XABF says the same thing. if we were more intiamte ona more regualr basis he would have reason to be sober more... HA HA yes nothing more romantic than him falling through the door, verbally abusing me and then expecting me tom well.... eeewwweee
They will blame us for everything including the weather, just so they do not have to take responsibilty for themselves.
You have to take care of you .. what he does sadly, is up to him. It is hard to watch the one you love make this choice but it is a choice for him to stay on this path.. you have to pick yours for your and your children.
keep strong
stay healthy
shakarris
They will blame us for everything including the weather, just so they do not have to take responsibilty for themselves.
You have to take care of you .. what he does sadly, is up to him. It is hard to watch the one you love make this choice but it is a choice for him to stay on this path.. you have to pick yours for your and your children.
keep strong
stay healthy
shakarris
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by darkness_falls 
He does not want help. I spoke with him this morning. He says he goes back to the drinking because he's not getting what he wants from me.
And he can blame you all he wants but that fact is unless you are the one pooring the alcohol down his throat, that is his choice alone.
Its time for you to concentrate on you, what you can do to help yourself understand how his alcoholism is affecting you and what you can do about that.
Do you want your children to continue growing up with him as their example of what it means to be an adult male, father and husband? Do you want them growing up thinking alcoholism is normal, acceptable behavior? They are learning lessons that will take them years to unlearn. I am still unlearning those lessons at 53.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by darkness_falls
Is depression this common with alcoholism?
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR ...DF 
Sorry for what you are going through-Please know that you are not alone and you have come to the right place.
It is easy to feel like we are responsible for our A's in our life but we all have choices in our lives and you have made the choice to come here which is a huge step!
If you can find an Al-Anon meeting I would highly suggest giving it a shot! I was very apprehensive at first when I came here and went to Al-Anon and I can honestly say that both have tremendously saved my sanity and my life!
I have learned that people as I said have the right to live their own lives, have their own opinions and make their own choices-I do not have the right to make any of that for them. I have learned that with A's they will do what they want and put a deaf ear to us if we try to get them to stop doing something that we do not like or approve of!
With the wonderful people here at SR...both codies and A's I have learned that we are all human and we make mistakes-for whatever reason-we are all addicted in our own way and we have the choice as individuals to make our lives better than ever and who ever wants to come along for the ride can! And if they do not that is their choice but, I will no longer allow blame for anyone's actions but my own!
I hope that you find the peace and strength to do what you need to do for YOU and THE KIDS! This is what is important-and being here can be turned around in a little while if you keep posting-from "not wanting to be here" to I'm so happy that I found this place and I feel wonderful!
Blessing to you
Sorry for what you are going through-Please know that you are not alone and you have come to the right place.
It is easy to feel like we are responsible for our A's in our life but we all have choices in our lives and you have made the choice to come here which is a huge step!
If you can find an Al-Anon meeting I would highly suggest giving it a shot! I was very apprehensive at first when I came here and went to Al-Anon and I can honestly say that both have tremendously saved my sanity and my life!
I have learned that people as I said have the right to live their own lives, have their own opinions and make their own choices-I do not have the right to make any of that for them. I have learned that with A's they will do what they want and put a deaf ear to us if we try to get them to stop doing something that we do not like or approve of!
With the wonderful people here at SR...both codies and A's I have learned that we are all human and we make mistakes-for whatever reason-we are all addicted in our own way and we have the choice as individuals to make our lives better than ever and who ever wants to come along for the ride can! And if they do not that is their choice but, I will no longer allow blame for anyone's actions but my own!
I hope that you find the peace and strength to do what you need to do for YOU and THE KIDS! This is what is important-and being here can be turned around in a little while if you keep posting-from "not wanting to be here" to I'm so happy that I found this place and I feel wonderful!
Blessing to you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Hi- and welcome. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm sorry anyone is. . . it's a horrible situation, and you can see there are too many people affected by it. I would have to agree with the others here that you can only take care of yourself and your children. You cannot control what your H does. I have learned that the hard way. I've been with my AH for 17 years. Most of the past 10 years have been affected by his alcohol abuse. I have sadly tried to adjust, accommodate, change him, change myself to figure out how to live with his chaos. I suspect he is depressed, and I know he has anxiety issues. I initiated every counselor we went to- 5 of them- each of which he has dropped when he felt his feet being held to the fire. He has many issues- so do I- mostly from my childhood. However, I have been going to my own therapist, and I have grown. I'm learning what my AH does is out of my control. I also go to al-anon, read, journal, talk to friends and family. I was also very ashamed, but I am finding the more I reach out the more I find people care about me- as well as him, and are willing to offer support. Just knowing I am not alone, and not hiding this huge burden has helped me. You are fighting a losing battle if you think you can get your AH to do anything. You can only control yourself. Please think about the things people have suggested here. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
Very glad you're here. You will find much support and guidance with the situation you're in from many people who are there or who have lived through it.
Don't have much to add that others haven't already covered, except that little piece about sex/intimacy. This was/is something I'm still dealing with as I'm stuck (financially) living with my AH in our home as we await the finalization of the divorce. Without going into detail, this is really the bottom line: Having sex doesn't make people sober, or even want to get sober. No matter what they tell you. Really.
Take care of yourself.
Don't have much to add that others haven't already covered, except that little piece about sex/intimacy. This was/is something I'm still dealing with as I'm stuck (financially) living with my AH in our home as we await the finalization of the divorce. Without going into detail, this is really the bottom line: Having sex doesn't make people sober, or even want to get sober. No matter what they tell you. Really.
Take care of yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 36
I really needed to hear all this especially that last post. God, I really needed that today. Thank you. I vow to get to some meetings and work through this. He's unbearable today in his irrational thinking.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Having sex doesn't make people sober, or even want to get sober. No matter what they tell you. Really.
Also - NOT having sex is no reason for them to drink.
The sex thing was/is a big issue for me too. For years my AH did not come to bed so he could drink and then fall asleep on the couch. I begged him to come to bed- not realizing he was drinking- I took it on myself thinking he didn't want to be with me. Now he's telling me he figured if he wasn't going to get any he just stayed downstairs and got drunk- like it was my fault??? That alone was very damaging to our sex life and my self esteem. What about the connection you might want with your spouse- whether sex or just being close? Unfortunately alcoholism wrecks the connection. My AH became very self-absorbed, and when he quit drinking went looking for another shiny thing to replace the bottle- online poker, the tv, a friend at work. . . but complained up and down about not getting enough sex. For me, alcoholism was a libido breaker- in many ways. I'm just now realizing my AH spent years on the couch drinking and sleeping when he could have been up with me having the sex he complained he was missing. I did not make him drink, I could not control it and I can't cure it!!!
Also - NOT having sex is no reason for them to drink.
The sex thing was/is a big issue for me too. For years my AH did not come to bed so he could drink and then fall asleep on the couch. I begged him to come to bed- not realizing he was drinking- I took it on myself thinking he didn't want to be with me. Now he's telling me he figured if he wasn't going to get any he just stayed downstairs and got drunk- like it was my fault??? That alone was very damaging to our sex life and my self esteem. What about the connection you might want with your spouse- whether sex or just being close? Unfortunately alcoholism wrecks the connection. My AH became very self-absorbed, and when he quit drinking went looking for another shiny thing to replace the bottle- online poker, the tv, a friend at work. . . but complained up and down about not getting enough sex. For me, alcoholism was a libido breaker- in many ways. I'm just now realizing my AH spent years on the couch drinking and sleeping when he could have been up with me having the sex he complained he was missing. I did not make him drink, I could not control it and I can't cure it!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 46
Darkness Falls -- I too believe my husband's drinking has escalated and he's headed for a downward fall.
He's said and done some absolutely unforgiveable things over the past 2 months -- and there was really no way that my kids and I could stay in that situation. Ultimately it just wasn't what I wanted my kids to learn from me about marriage and relationships. My kids are teenagers so I figure I don't have much time left to teach them life lessons before they grow up and leave for college.
I asked for a divorce last week. Kids and I are starting to pack and sort to get ready to sell our house and I'm seeing an attorney Friday. I second guess myself, have bad moments, cry, want to hug him -- every day. But in my heart I know that this has gone on far too long and I should have left 8 years ago when things were also bad.
I like to think that somehow I'm not co-dependent but it seems like I'm as addicted to him as much as he is to alcohol.
In my heart, I know I've got to stop the merry go round and get out. It just breaks my heart.
Stay strong.
He's said and done some absolutely unforgiveable things over the past 2 months -- and there was really no way that my kids and I could stay in that situation. Ultimately it just wasn't what I wanted my kids to learn from me about marriage and relationships. My kids are teenagers so I figure I don't have much time left to teach them life lessons before they grow up and leave for college.
I asked for a divorce last week. Kids and I are starting to pack and sort to get ready to sell our house and I'm seeing an attorney Friday. I second guess myself, have bad moments, cry, want to hug him -- every day. But in my heart I know that this has gone on far too long and I should have left 8 years ago when things were also bad.
I like to think that somehow I'm not co-dependent but it seems like I'm as addicted to him as much as he is to alcohol.
In my heart, I know I've got to stop the merry go round and get out. It just breaks my heart.
Stay strong.
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