AMAZING story of hope... Warning this is really long!
Wounded
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 22
AMAZING story of hope... Warning this is really long!
Hi everyone,
I have not posted in a really long time but I have been lurking around.
I guess I should give some background information since all my earlier posts disappeared.
I was with my fiance for 18 yrs. In 2002 my father passed away and I lost my mother in 2004. I was extremely depressed and my fiance did not live with me so I never saw it coming. In 2006, I started to realize he was withdrawing so much from me and I demanded answers. Well, I didn't get them from him, but I did get my answers that he was into drugs, (crack) very bad.
When I went to confront him, he was high and wanted me to talk to him tomorrow. When I told him I knew what was going on, he told me he never wanted to talk to me again and that we were through. He refused to see me or talk to me for many months and in retrospect I know now that he did it to protect me from him. In 18 yrs together, we had never argued more than 5 times and we never stayed mad at each other. He had always treated me like a queen. I was floored and devastated that he threw our relationship away in that one 15 minute encounter.
He took up with prostitutes, was smoking crack with his pregnant daughter and also dealing drugs. His daughter also was prostituting as well. The man I loved ceased to exist and I basically wrote him off as dead. It was the only way I could deal with it.
Well, he got caught dealing and was arrested and I rescued many of his more valuable possesions from his family (who stole everything else he owned) and stored them for him. I took him and his daughter Christmas leftovers in 2006 and in Jan last year when I found out he didn't bother to appear in court and was basically running from the law, I knew that he was so far gone that I needed to just realize that he was gone. During the time we had broken up, I purchased my own home, and in Feb 2007 had major surgery. While in recovery from my surgery, I actually died for almost 2 mins. when I slipped too deeply under anethesia.
My ex was in a community based rehab and did call me once or twice and to find out if I survived and that was really our only contact.
Almost 1 yr after our breakup, he called me from county jail and said how he had gotten into a fight in the rehab and he was going to be sent to prison. The released him by mistake when the jail became too full and I let him stay a couple of nights on my deck and he did some odd jobs for my BIL until he found a place to stay. He never went back to his court date and again became a fugitive. He worked on and off for my BIL so I did see him from time to time but it didn't affect me at all because I really did not know this person anymore.
I truly believed that this man would never, ever hit bottom.
WELL.......IT FINALLY HAPPENED!
I invited him over to have something to eat after all my Christmas plans were done. (I could not stand to have all this food in the house that I would end up throwing away while someone I know is starving.)
My sis had noticed he had a rash on his body when he was at their house and I inquired to see it. I looked it up on the internet and was convinced he had an std. (which, I was correct about but it is easily treatable). I was concerned foremost because he had been in contact with my family members so I called him to urge him to go to the hospital. I did take him b/c I knew he'd never get around to it and I wanted to be sure my BIL's kids weren't exposed to anything potentially dangerous.
I took him Dec. 30th. On New Year's Eve, the guy he was staying with called me and told me that even though my ex was paid up to the 16th that he was throwing him out b/c they weren't getting along. I went and picked him up and let him stay until the lab results came back from the hospital. It took until the 3rd for them to come in.
I let him stay on my couch and we talked for the first time really since July 06 when we broke up.
He could not understand how I could treat him so decently after all he had done to me. The cheating, betrayal and lies. He cried and confessed to everything and I told him that I had written the man I loved off as dead, but that I had forgiven him long long ago b/c it was unhealthy for me and b/c I knew that nothing I could do to try to hurt him back could be worse than what he did to himself.
For the first time ever, he was accepting his own blame for everything. Not just me, but for his life, for the others he had hurt. I had never ever in all our years together heard him blame himself before. EVER! He finally saw the people he chose to be in his life for what they were and he understood the consequences and price he paid for his own choices!
I told him he had reached an important step to be able to see that and as he begins to accept responsibility for his actions that his next step was to begin to forgive himself. He said he didn't think he could ever forgive himself for the things he had done and I told him that if I could forgive him than he surely could and if he didn't then he couldn't get any better. Then, much to my amazement. He starts talking to me about HP and my experience when I died. (He KNOWS I had NEVER lied to him about anything).
This is a man that has always rejected and refused to hear anything about HP b/c of a bad experience he had in church as a child. He has always been very adament about his non belief.
We talked quite a bit about HP which stunned me b/c he never wanted to hear it at all and then he tells me how he is sick of the way he has been living and he needs to get well and maybe he needs to try the HP thing b/c nothing else has helped him. Then, he asked me the most amazing thing of all.... he had me take him down to the police station to turn himself in. I took him in on the 3rd. We talked almost non stop from New Year's Eve until then. He is hoping not only to take care of this business, but to see if they will place him in a SPIRITUAL based program!
Homeless, alone with no family left for him, wanted and starving was not his rock bottom. His health in danger and the fear he may have put innocent people at risk finally was. Everyone was gone and finally he saw that he was to blame for his own misery. I finally had a glimpse of the person I once knew and once loved.
He understands he broke our relationship beyond repair and we will never be together as I have moved on. But, he does know that I will always be a friend to him and always wish him well.
Honestly, I don't believe he will ever be able to slay all of his demons, but then I never thought I'd see the day when I heard these things come from his mouth. At least I have some hope that he may recover someday and know that if he cannot, I can accept that as well. What has happened so far this year is more than I ever expected in my life to hear coming from him.
It truly is amazing and I feel it's a story of hope for everyone with an addict in their lives.
I have not posted in a really long time but I have been lurking around.
I guess I should give some background information since all my earlier posts disappeared.
I was with my fiance for 18 yrs. In 2002 my father passed away and I lost my mother in 2004. I was extremely depressed and my fiance did not live with me so I never saw it coming. In 2006, I started to realize he was withdrawing so much from me and I demanded answers. Well, I didn't get them from him, but I did get my answers that he was into drugs, (crack) very bad.
When I went to confront him, he was high and wanted me to talk to him tomorrow. When I told him I knew what was going on, he told me he never wanted to talk to me again and that we were through. He refused to see me or talk to me for many months and in retrospect I know now that he did it to protect me from him. In 18 yrs together, we had never argued more than 5 times and we never stayed mad at each other. He had always treated me like a queen. I was floored and devastated that he threw our relationship away in that one 15 minute encounter.
He took up with prostitutes, was smoking crack with his pregnant daughter and also dealing drugs. His daughter also was prostituting as well. The man I loved ceased to exist and I basically wrote him off as dead. It was the only way I could deal with it.
Well, he got caught dealing and was arrested and I rescued many of his more valuable possesions from his family (who stole everything else he owned) and stored them for him. I took him and his daughter Christmas leftovers in 2006 and in Jan last year when I found out he didn't bother to appear in court and was basically running from the law, I knew that he was so far gone that I needed to just realize that he was gone. During the time we had broken up, I purchased my own home, and in Feb 2007 had major surgery. While in recovery from my surgery, I actually died for almost 2 mins. when I slipped too deeply under anethesia.
My ex was in a community based rehab and did call me once or twice and to find out if I survived and that was really our only contact.
Almost 1 yr after our breakup, he called me from county jail and said how he had gotten into a fight in the rehab and he was going to be sent to prison. The released him by mistake when the jail became too full and I let him stay a couple of nights on my deck and he did some odd jobs for my BIL until he found a place to stay. He never went back to his court date and again became a fugitive. He worked on and off for my BIL so I did see him from time to time but it didn't affect me at all because I really did not know this person anymore.
I truly believed that this man would never, ever hit bottom.
WELL.......IT FINALLY HAPPENED!
I invited him over to have something to eat after all my Christmas plans were done. (I could not stand to have all this food in the house that I would end up throwing away while someone I know is starving.)
My sis had noticed he had a rash on his body when he was at their house and I inquired to see it. I looked it up on the internet and was convinced he had an std. (which, I was correct about but it is easily treatable). I was concerned foremost because he had been in contact with my family members so I called him to urge him to go to the hospital. I did take him b/c I knew he'd never get around to it and I wanted to be sure my BIL's kids weren't exposed to anything potentially dangerous.
I took him Dec. 30th. On New Year's Eve, the guy he was staying with called me and told me that even though my ex was paid up to the 16th that he was throwing him out b/c they weren't getting along. I went and picked him up and let him stay until the lab results came back from the hospital. It took until the 3rd for them to come in.
I let him stay on my couch and we talked for the first time really since July 06 when we broke up.
He could not understand how I could treat him so decently after all he had done to me. The cheating, betrayal and lies. He cried and confessed to everything and I told him that I had written the man I loved off as dead, but that I had forgiven him long long ago b/c it was unhealthy for me and b/c I knew that nothing I could do to try to hurt him back could be worse than what he did to himself.
For the first time ever, he was accepting his own blame for everything. Not just me, but for his life, for the others he had hurt. I had never ever in all our years together heard him blame himself before. EVER! He finally saw the people he chose to be in his life for what they were and he understood the consequences and price he paid for his own choices!
I told him he had reached an important step to be able to see that and as he begins to accept responsibility for his actions that his next step was to begin to forgive himself. He said he didn't think he could ever forgive himself for the things he had done and I told him that if I could forgive him than he surely could and if he didn't then he couldn't get any better. Then, much to my amazement. He starts talking to me about HP and my experience when I died. (He KNOWS I had NEVER lied to him about anything).
This is a man that has always rejected and refused to hear anything about HP b/c of a bad experience he had in church as a child. He has always been very adament about his non belief.
We talked quite a bit about HP which stunned me b/c he never wanted to hear it at all and then he tells me how he is sick of the way he has been living and he needs to get well and maybe he needs to try the HP thing b/c nothing else has helped him. Then, he asked me the most amazing thing of all.... he had me take him down to the police station to turn himself in. I took him in on the 3rd. We talked almost non stop from New Year's Eve until then. He is hoping not only to take care of this business, but to see if they will place him in a SPIRITUAL based program!
Homeless, alone with no family left for him, wanted and starving was not his rock bottom. His health in danger and the fear he may have put innocent people at risk finally was. Everyone was gone and finally he saw that he was to blame for his own misery. I finally had a glimpse of the person I once knew and once loved.
He understands he broke our relationship beyond repair and we will never be together as I have moved on. But, he does know that I will always be a friend to him and always wish him well.
Honestly, I don't believe he will ever be able to slay all of his demons, but then I never thought I'd see the day when I heard these things come from his mouth. At least I have some hope that he may recover someday and know that if he cannot, I can accept that as well. What has happened so far this year is more than I ever expected in my life to hear coming from him.
It truly is amazing and I feel it's a story of hope for everyone with an addict in their lives.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My prayers go out to both of you, that you can continue with your recovery and keeping your life focused on what is best for you and that he can conquer his demons and find a better path.
It's sad to see addiction take those we love to such dark places, and it's even sadder when we walk into hell with them. It's heart lifting when any addict, no matter how bad it's been, finally surrender and begin working their way back into the light.
Hugs
It's sad to see addiction take those we love to such dark places, and it's even sadder when we walk into hell with them. It's heart lifting when any addict, no matter how bad it's been, finally surrender and begin working their way back into the light.
Hugs
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Wounded,
Glad you're back with an update, and glad you sound so well.
I hope and pray he decides to go into recovery, what he is saying sounds good. I sure hope he follows through.
Hugs,
Glad you're back with an update, and glad you sound so well.
I hope and pray he decides to go into recovery, what he is saying sounds good. I sure hope he follows through.
Hugs,
.gif)
Wounded
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 22
Thanks everyone for your replies.
I have lurked around this forum so long for a reason I guess and I realize that by detaching and letting him go he found out the answers himself.
I understand everyones concern that I might get sucked in again but first and foremost I have been fortunate that he has never been a manipulative addict and he would prefer never to speak to me again than to draw me into his drama or to use me. He's done some awful things and became someone I could never imagine, but that is one thing he always remained strong about.
Secondly, I know that I have learned so much here and through my experiences in the last year and a half that I do not and cannot allow his addiction to disrupt my life. Even though I will always love him despite the things he has done and become...I know that my choice is not to live looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life.
I still have the codie wanting to help syndrome as is obvious by my post but I have learned to ask myself these questions before I jump in....
1. When I help this person out am I really expecting anything in return and will I feel resentful if I don't get it? Do I have any motives behind this other than trying to be a good friend.
2. If I help this person do I sacrifice myself (ie..money, sleep, time needed elsewhere) Again...will I resent this?
The thing is...now I look before I jump in to help. I know there are more questions I give myself...I just can't think of them at the moment! LOL!
When I follow these guidelines, I know that I can feel good about helping someone out. I believe these are the rules my mom used to make herself the sucessful and beloved codie she was. She was the greatest! I can only hope that I can touch others lives the way she did and still be true to myself as she was.
I have lurked around this forum so long for a reason I guess and I realize that by detaching and letting him go he found out the answers himself.
I understand everyones concern that I might get sucked in again but first and foremost I have been fortunate that he has never been a manipulative addict and he would prefer never to speak to me again than to draw me into his drama or to use me. He's done some awful things and became someone I could never imagine, but that is one thing he always remained strong about.
Secondly, I know that I have learned so much here and through my experiences in the last year and a half that I do not and cannot allow his addiction to disrupt my life. Even though I will always love him despite the things he has done and become...I know that my choice is not to live looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life.
I still have the codie wanting to help syndrome as is obvious by my post but I have learned to ask myself these questions before I jump in....
1. When I help this person out am I really expecting anything in return and will I feel resentful if I don't get it? Do I have any motives behind this other than trying to be a good friend.
2. If I help this person do I sacrifice myself (ie..money, sleep, time needed elsewhere) Again...will I resent this?
The thing is...now I look before I jump in to help. I know there are more questions I give myself...I just can't think of them at the moment! LOL!
When I follow these guidelines, I know that I can feel good about helping someone out. I believe these are the rules my mom used to make herself the sucessful and beloved codie she was. She was the greatest! I can only hope that I can touch others lives the way she did and still be true to myself as she was.
Wounded
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 22
Oh, I tried to add on but I was too late.
I wanted to let everyone know that he did write to me and informed me that he signed up for the AA and NA classes and already had his first NA meeting. He also met with a mental health person and made arrangements to take life skill courses on dealing with life after substance abuse.
He has been incarcerated before but this is the first time he has ever tried to use the resources availiable to him.
As I said before, I cannot be too optimistic in his recovery but this is the very first time that he has ever seriously tried with outside help on his own.
I will be thankful and appreciate that because that alone is a miracle to me.
I wanted to let everyone know that he did write to me and informed me that he signed up for the AA and NA classes and already had his first NA meeting. He also met with a mental health person and made arrangements to take life skill courses on dealing with life after substance abuse.
He has been incarcerated before but this is the first time he has ever tried to use the resources availiable to him.
As I said before, I cannot be too optimistic in his recovery but this is the very first time that he has ever seriously tried with outside help on his own.
I will be thankful and appreciate that because that alone is a miracle to me.
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