ElektrykEye

I live next door to my alcoholic/addict brother. He is currently staying with my mom. When I moved here, he was living out of state and she swore he wouldn't be moving home. Of course, he was unable to remain independent for long.

Here's the thing... ever since he moved in next door, my life feels 100% worse than before. My relationship with Mom is strained because I am angry that she's enabling him and I want strong boundaries that she doesn't understand. We fight over things like him hanging out in my yard, using our family truck that is currently in my possession (I can't afford to pay for gas for HIM to use!), etc. I resent him being there in so many ways. I find myself extremely depressed and anxious.

What I don't get is why it bothers me so much. I mean, if Mom wants to allow him to drain every last cent from her, why should I continue to care? If he wants to continue to drink and use drugs and throw his life away, why should it bother me? Why can't I just mind my own business and go happily about my own life?

I am unbelievably angry about the entire situation. I used up all of my savings to move here and won't be able to afford to move again for at least 6 months to a year. I was stupid to think that my family would ever change and would love nothing more than to once again be 1,000 miles away. I resent my AB and my Mom and wish I could just stop caring.

Can anyone relate?

hope2bhappy

It's difficult to detach when it's in your face every day. Just think if you were married to one! You have realized that you can't make your brother sober, and you can't make your mother see reason.

The ideal thing would be if you were able to be more independent from your family, like having a vehicle you didn't have to share, and not living right next door (we've discussed this before). But for financial reasons, you are temporarily stuck. Since you can't move, you could try attending some Alanon meetings to learn how to detach. But your ultimate goal should be getting as far away from this mess as possible. Start saving your money.

aztchr

I had to put the focus back on myself when my parents were enabling my sister.
I started going to meetings and had to start setting boundaries for myself, too with regard to family members.

Once I accepted that I couldn't control or influence other's decisions, especially my family members I was able to let go and keep myself as well as possible.

justjo

Hi, I do relate some. I watched my mother clean after my sister for many years. The house looked like it had a wild pack of dogs go through it and my mum would just go over and clean it up. Do her washing, ironing, shopping and look after her kids. I would tell her that she wasnt helping my sister at all, she was just helping her to drink but oh no, it was all for the sake of morals. Anyway, after telling you this, it will come that your mum will take so much, (depends on her tolerance levels) or your brother will do something bad to affect her and eventually she will make that decision herself.
My sister hurt my mum really badly, used and abused her until the day came.
All you can do is stay right out of it and set some boundaries for both of them.

Rella927

Yup I had to do the same thing too "put the focus back on myself" my parents were enabling my A brother who actually turns 51 today!

I was allowing myself to be overwhelmed and angry that they were helping him so much and he just kept drinking behind their back among many other things! He would sit in the bedroom all day long at my parents home and drink-while he was not well enough to get a job because he was recovering from shoulder surgery from being hit on a major busy street in Florida on his bicycle!

So needless to say bottom line YES it is easy to feel the way that you do-but, you have the choice to take the focus off of them and accept that they will never change and do what is right for you! Set those boundaries!

Lots of luck and strength to you!

ElektrykEye

Thanks for the support. I spoke with my other brother about the situation today and he said the same thing as all of you... that he had felt the same way when he was involved in everything going on with my AB and my Mom and that the best day he's had in a long time was the day he decided to wash his hands of it. He still lives fairly close (about an hour away), but he refuses to be a part of the drama. When Mom tries to talk to him for support (concerning my AB), he tells her that it's between my AB and her... he refuses to get pulled under. He stays out of their business and says he's a lot happier now. I know this has hurt his relationship with Mom, but it seems like personal happiness is the thing that matters. I mean, I could live for everyone else and do what I think they want or need for my entire life and die an unfulfilled, bitter person... I don't want that.

justjo

Your other brother sounds sensible, stick with him if you can.

LucyA

I can really relate to this, I've always been close to my parents. Since my brothers drinking became a problem and he spends some time living off them and with them nowadays (even though he has his own place and a good income of his own) we don't have the same relationship, and I don't think it will ever be the same again.
I won't talk about my brothers problems with my parents anymore, I change the subject or stay silent when they try to.
It's very difficult at times, but I'm managing and hoping for the day when my folks realise they aren't helping anyone and I'll be strong enough to support them because I haven't been worn down by it all.

ElektrykEye

Yes, he is much better at detachment. Of course, I think he learned that from living in the drama for so long. I just moved back (had lived 1,000 miles away for 10 years) so it was like jumping into the fire. I'm learning though!

ElektrykEye

It's really sad to have a relationship with one or more parent suffer as a result of another family member's drinking or drug use. I resent the situation since it feels like it effectively robs me of the relationship I could have with my mom. However, I apparently can't control or change the situation... only myself... so I am trying to accept reality. I just wish I could get beyond the anger because that feels toxic to me.

LucyA

I struggle with the anger too, my parents arent in the best of health themselves and the stress my brother puts on them doesnt help. But they choose to do what they do for him. I choose to keep out of it, but keep in touch with them so I know they're ok. (And I try to focus my angry energy into other things, I run a lot these days and play squash, if you can do something physical like that try it, I find it helps)

shadowwood

My gosh, we should all do lunch sometime! It sounds like we are telling the same story.

I have not talked to my mother since the middle of December, and I feel okay. Whenever I am having a bad day and feel like the Queen of Mean, some information about the situation trickles back to me and I realize that I did the right thing by setting boundaries. I was lied to MANY times, and I am just learning about the other things that my mother has "promised" to my AB (although for the life of me, I don't know how she thinks she's going to pay for this stuff, but that's not my worry.) I have pretty much been given the finger by my own mother.

You won't be sorry for setting boundaries. He is not going to stop drinking and she is not going to stop trying to fix him.

ElektrykEye

Thanks for the validation. Sometimes it's hard to set boundaries, but I do agree that in this situation, it's necessary. I don't want to continue to feel crazy!