My recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 141
My recovery
Hi there everyone. Been lurking for a while and thought I would start my posting with something I found in my files tonight.
I went to Al-anon to find a way to get my then bf to stop drinking, although I have to say that I had done enough reading on-line to have a sneaking suspicion to know that I wasn’t going to find THAT answer in the rooms.
On reflection, I think there have been 3 tranches to my recovery, partly al-anon inspired, partly developed from my own wider reading.
Firstly, I needed to get some immediate tools to deal with living with an active alcoholic on a day to day basis. Detachment was, and still is, one of the greatest tools in my tool box. Only when I could stand back and own my own issues and give him the opportunity to own his, was I able to get any kind of clarity on my situation. Quickly following detachment came the issue of boundaries. As I became clearer about what was going on, became more aware of the amount of unacceptable behaviour I was nonetheless accepting, it became much easier to create some simple boundaries for myself. I always remember the first thing I tried to enforce: No empties hidden in the house. After shocking myself with the rage I felt when I found the first empty wine bottle and the way I so easily threw it at his head, I realised that it wasn’t going to work. Speaking with some al-anon people helped me to see that what I had done was create a rule, not a boundary. Boundaries are for me and they require consequences on which I am prepared to follow through. Rules are not conducive to harmonious relationship and so it proved. All I did with rules was provide the environment where it was easier to drink because all we did was fight. I say the word easier, because I had no control over whether he was a problem drinker or not, but I sure did have control over whether I enabled him in his behaviour or not. Learning about enabling was certainly another valuable tool in that early toolbox and all my early boundaries stemmed from “I will not accept unacceptable behaviour” and they all had consequences that were enforced on a regular basis.
The second stage came as I did more work in Al-anon. I began to understand that I had choices. The more detached I became, the more that I could see that this was not the life I wanted to live. I began to see the bigger picture. I began to see that no-one was forcing me to stay in this situation and that, instead of getting him to change so that my life could change, I could initiate the change all by myself. And so I enforced my finally boundary of the engagement “I will not share my life with an active alcoholic.” And I left.
And that brings me to the third stage. This overlapped the second stage, in actual fact, as I was so hungry for information that I moved fast. This stage is an ongoing process and is all about ME. Why I got involved with an alcoholic, why I accepted the unacceptable, why I lost myself along the way. The few years have all about getting to know me, accepting me and focussing on the things I do well and minimising the effects of the bits where I don’t do so well. And how I can live a life in the future that is true to my values and helps me achieve serenity on a more frequent basis. And I’m getting there.
Hopefully I will find some people here to come along for the ride.
I went to Al-anon to find a way to get my then bf to stop drinking, although I have to say that I had done enough reading on-line to have a sneaking suspicion to know that I wasn’t going to find THAT answer in the rooms.
On reflection, I think there have been 3 tranches to my recovery, partly al-anon inspired, partly developed from my own wider reading.
Firstly, I needed to get some immediate tools to deal with living with an active alcoholic on a day to day basis. Detachment was, and still is, one of the greatest tools in my tool box. Only when I could stand back and own my own issues and give him the opportunity to own his, was I able to get any kind of clarity on my situation. Quickly following detachment came the issue of boundaries. As I became clearer about what was going on, became more aware of the amount of unacceptable behaviour I was nonetheless accepting, it became much easier to create some simple boundaries for myself. I always remember the first thing I tried to enforce: No empties hidden in the house. After shocking myself with the rage I felt when I found the first empty wine bottle and the way I so easily threw it at his head, I realised that it wasn’t going to work. Speaking with some al-anon people helped me to see that what I had done was create a rule, not a boundary. Boundaries are for me and they require consequences on which I am prepared to follow through. Rules are not conducive to harmonious relationship and so it proved. All I did with rules was provide the environment where it was easier to drink because all we did was fight. I say the word easier, because I had no control over whether he was a problem drinker or not, but I sure did have control over whether I enabled him in his behaviour or not. Learning about enabling was certainly another valuable tool in that early toolbox and all my early boundaries stemmed from “I will not accept unacceptable behaviour” and they all had consequences that were enforced on a regular basis.
The second stage came as I did more work in Al-anon. I began to understand that I had choices. The more detached I became, the more that I could see that this was not the life I wanted to live. I began to see the bigger picture. I began to see that no-one was forcing me to stay in this situation and that, instead of getting him to change so that my life could change, I could initiate the change all by myself. And so I enforced my finally boundary of the engagement “I will not share my life with an active alcoholic.” And I left.
And that brings me to the third stage. This overlapped the second stage, in actual fact, as I was so hungry for information that I moved fast. This stage is an ongoing process and is all about ME. Why I got involved with an alcoholic, why I accepted the unacceptable, why I lost myself along the way. The few years have all about getting to know me, accepting me and focussing on the things I do well and minimising the effects of the bits where I don’t do so well. And how I can live a life in the future that is true to my values and helps me achieve serenity on a more frequent basis. And I’m getting there.
Hopefully I will find some people here to come along for the ride.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Atlanta GA
Posts: 38
Hi Karma...I understand what you are saying. I have almost the same experience. First detachment and the realization that "I" was the only one I could change. I gave 20 years of my life to false hope and a relationship that was not based on trust or mutual respect. I am on a journey of self discovery and figuring out what kind of life I want for myself. I also learned all I could as fast as I could. It's probably a drop in the bucket of what I still need to know! But for the first time in a many years I sleep well...and I am experiencing something I can only describe as peace. Life still has it's stress and it always will but living with an active alcoholic isn't one of mine anymore. Welcome to SR and keep posting. Maryanne
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 141
Originally Posted by 2Growstrong 
I gave 20 years of my life to false hope
Thank you, Denny, for you welcome. I have read your posts over the past little while - you are a beacon of recovery here.
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