I don't need anymore on my plate right now
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
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I don't need anymore on my plate right now
This is a tad long but this has been one heck of a weekend.
A friend's mother died Friday. It was a blessing since she had advanced Alheimers and numerous other health problems. But of course she is feeling the loss and I feel her pain.
Another dear friend found out her cancer has returned, invading her heart. B has only a short time with us I'm afraid. I will miss her so. I hope I get the chance to see her to say goodbye.
And to top it off, my sons' father kicked my older son J out of his house and J said this was the last straw and wants nothing more to do with his father. They have had a dysfunctional relationship for many years since his father and step mother are very controlling, negative people and seem unable to allow him to grow up and take control of his own life. J is one of the most loving and tolerant young men I've ever known. I am actually surprised it has taken this long form J to leave his father. He has told me he has wanted to separate from his father and stepmother since he graduate high school but couldn't do it because he didn't want to hurt his father that way. J's pain was so hard to see yesterday. Bu he says he feels relieved to be out of their household.
The incident that brought this about is so trivial and really just masks all the issues between them. J recognized that he had enough to drink that he should not drive and spent the night at a friend's house. His unforgiveable sin? He didn't call them at 2:30am to say he was doing so and they stayed up all night worrying until he woke up and called around 11. J is 23 by the way and had earlier during winter break told them that if he ever thought he shouldn't drive he would stay where he was. All recognize that is the responsible thing to do. But they cannot forgive him not calling.
So now they are not speaking, his father kicked him out and took away his car, J refuses to allow his father to pay his tuition for college going forward, and says he cannot forgive his father for doing this over what amounts to nothing more than being inconsiderate.
So J is going to apply for a student loan even though he knows his father is legally obligated to pay half his tuition as per our divorce agreement.
BTW, this is the 3rd child they have thrown out of their household, one being my now 18 yo son when he was 15 and the other being her then 17 yo son.
The only good news throuhg all this is that I have remained detached from direct involvement in the dispute between father, stepmother and son.
I specifically told my ex I would not be placed in the middle, that the difficulties did not involve me. Of course, now my ex is also ticked off at me since I'm supposed to present a "united front" even when I told them I think they overreacted. {shrug} Such is life. I did divorce him after all, 16 years ago.
I have told my son that I will help him by giving advice and continuing my financial and emotional support but that I will not be put in the middle by him either. I told J that I will always love him and that I hope he and his father can rebuild their relationship at some point in the future. I also told J that getting into counselling could be very helpful as he goes thru a grieving process and works thru his anger. To my surprise he told me he already has an appointment with a therapist when he gets back to college next week. That made me feel so much better.
So the lessons I've been learning are working in yet another circumstance. I thank all of you here for your help in getting me to this point. I think I've handled this fairly well so far. But, please God, no more drama for while!
A friend's mother died Friday. It was a blessing since she had advanced Alheimers and numerous other health problems. But of course she is feeling the loss and I feel her pain.
Another dear friend found out her cancer has returned, invading her heart. B has only a short time with us I'm afraid. I will miss her so. I hope I get the chance to see her to say goodbye.
And to top it off, my sons' father kicked my older son J out of his house and J said this was the last straw and wants nothing more to do with his father. They have had a dysfunctional relationship for many years since his father and step mother are very controlling, negative people and seem unable to allow him to grow up and take control of his own life. J is one of the most loving and tolerant young men I've ever known. I am actually surprised it has taken this long form J to leave his father. He has told me he has wanted to separate from his father and stepmother since he graduate high school but couldn't do it because he didn't want to hurt his father that way. J's pain was so hard to see yesterday. Bu he says he feels relieved to be out of their household.
The incident that brought this about is so trivial and really just masks all the issues between them. J recognized that he had enough to drink that he should not drive and spent the night at a friend's house. His unforgiveable sin? He didn't call them at 2:30am to say he was doing so and they stayed up all night worrying until he woke up and called around 11. J is 23 by the way and had earlier during winter break told them that if he ever thought he shouldn't drive he would stay where he was. All recognize that is the responsible thing to do. But they cannot forgive him not calling.
So now they are not speaking, his father kicked him out and took away his car, J refuses to allow his father to pay his tuition for college going forward, and says he cannot forgive his father for doing this over what amounts to nothing more than being inconsiderate.
So J is going to apply for a student loan even though he knows his father is legally obligated to pay half his tuition as per our divorce agreement.
BTW, this is the 3rd child they have thrown out of their household, one being my now 18 yo son when he was 15 and the other being her then 17 yo son.
The only good news throuhg all this is that I have remained detached from direct involvement in the dispute between father, stepmother and son.
I specifically told my ex I would not be placed in the middle, that the difficulties did not involve me. Of course, now my ex is also ticked off at me since I'm supposed to present a "united front" even when I told them I think they overreacted. {shrug} Such is life. I did divorce him after all, 16 years ago.
I have told my son that I will help him by giving advice and continuing my financial and emotional support but that I will not be put in the middle by him either. I told J that I will always love him and that I hope he and his father can rebuild their relationship at some point in the future. I also told J that getting into counselling could be very helpful as he goes thru a grieving process and works thru his anger. To my surprise he told me he already has an appointment with a therapist when he gets back to college next week. That made me feel so much better.
So the lessons I've been learning are working in yet another circumstance. I thank all of you here for your help in getting me to this point. I think I've handled this fairly well so far. But, please God, no more drama for while!
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Join Date: Oct 2007
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Good grief, what a weekend! This will make Monday look better than it ever has, right?
Very sorry about the loss and the diagnosis. I can understand how the situation between your ex and J would seem "trivial" in comparison. One thing I've come to know in blended-step-alcoholic-family-land is that actions/statements like kicking one out of the house, or "never" speaking to someone again are generally short-lived. The unhealed codependency in these relationships guarantees that someone will cave either out of guilt, shame, loss of "control", or something else.
But that's their problem, as you've so brilliantly perceived and nicely followed through with setting your boundaries. What a relief to know you don't have to jump into the quagmire and set about fixing everyone and everything. They get to struggle with it because it's THEIRS.
Way to go, B52
Very sorry about the loss and the diagnosis. I can understand how the situation between your ex and J would seem "trivial" in comparison. One thing I've come to know in blended-step-alcoholic-family-land is that actions/statements like kicking one out of the house, or "never" speaking to someone again are generally short-lived. The unhealed codependency in these relationships guarantees that someone will cave either out of guilt, shame, loss of "control", or something else.
But that's their problem, as you've so brilliantly perceived and nicely followed through with setting your boundaries. What a relief to know you don't have to jump into the quagmire and set about fixing everyone and everything. They get to struggle with it because it's THEIRS.
Way to go, B52
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There is no alcoholism involved in my first marriage. We divorced because we grew in different directions. I married at 22 and I was much too young. I think I did it to escape from my alcoholic parents.
The dynamics in my ex's household have frequently revolved aorund their need to control everyone and everything around them. It breaks my heart that my older son's relationship with his father is trahsed for now but I do hope they can work toward some sort of relationship in the future. My younger son and his father have a surface relationship at least. But it took almost 2 years and therapy together to get to this point. My younger son still feels a great deal of contempt for his father and step mother from the way he was treated when they tossed him out.
The dynamics in my ex's household have frequently revolved aorund their need to control everyone and everything around them. It breaks my heart that my older son's relationship with his father is trahsed for now but I do hope they can work toward some sort of relationship in the future. My younger son and his father have a surface relationship at least. But it took almost 2 years and therapy together to get to this point. My younger son still feels a great deal of contempt for his father and step mother from the way he was treated when they tossed him out.
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Hugs to you Barbara 
I'm so sorry for all that has come your way this weekend. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your friends and family during this hard time. You sound like your handling things very well.
I'm so sorry for all that has come your way this weekend. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your friends and family during this hard time. You sound like your handling things very well.
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Thanks Heather. I am doing pretty good. Everytime that little voice pops up in my head telling me "do this and it'll fix that for J" I tell it to shut up.
J is an amazing young man really. He's in his third year of college, with a 1 yr break in there because he got encephalitis and it was a long road back to full health and brain function. He's pre-med and works an internship (unpaid unfortunately) with a cardiologist on his winter and summer breaks. He's working solidly toward his goals. I am very proud of him.
J is an amazing young man really. He's in his third year of college, with a 1 yr break in there because he got encephalitis and it was a long road back to full health and brain function. He's pre-med and works an internship (unpaid unfortunately) with a cardiologist on his winter and summer breaks. He's working solidly toward his goals. I am very proud of him.
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Most definatley be proud Sounds like he's definately on the right track. Especially at the early age of 23, so often you see those in their early 20's mixed up in the wrong crowd and head down a not so good path. Good for him, only a matter of time before he reaches those goals for sure
Sounds like he's definately on the right track. Especially at the early age of 23, so often you see those in their early 20's mixed up in the wrong crowd and head down a not so good path. Good for him, only a matter of time before he reaches those goals for sure Member
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barbara, i think you handled the situation wonderfully. you're right, it's something between them that you shouldn't get in the middle of. you stated your stance and i'm sure your son appreciates that you understand his point of view. hopefully, down the road, J and his father can repair their relationship... perhaps after his father makes note of some mistakes he made and works to change so that they don't creep up again.
i'm also so sorry to hear about your friend's cancer and the loss of your other friend's mother. you will all be in my thoughts.
i'm also so sorry to hear about your friend's cancer and the loss of your other friend's mother. you will all be in my thoughts.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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wow what a weekend for you. I too hope you get a a chance to see your friend, wish it was under better circumstances.
your son sounds like a fine young man who knows his boundries, too bad his dad cannot see it- he will and hopefully it wont be too late
thinking of you
**{hugs}}
shakarris
your son sounds like a fine young man who knows his boundries, too bad his dad cannot see it- he will and hopefully it wont be too late
thinking of you
**{hugs}}
shakarris
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I am so sorry for your loss and health of your dear friend! What a weekend! IMO you handled yourself beautifully..in fact, how could you have done better!? Truly you rock! Your son sounds anything but irresponsible, he sounds very motivated and dedicated to his future. A break from his dad and stepmom may be the peace he needs for a bit as a controlling relationship bears it's own hardships. Biggest hugs to you Barbara! You are in my thoughts!
g
g
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I credit my handling this well to what I have learned in here and through my readings and therapy, expecially my learnings about detachment. It has truly improved a great many aspects of my life and relationships.
Of course if the other parties in the relationship cannot deal with conflict and issues in a healthy manner, they just get mad. But I've learned that is not my problem and no longer let myself get pulled into the drama.
I had a email from my ex this morning, telling me what I "have" to do. {rolling my eyes}
Of course if the other parties in the relationship cannot deal with conflict and issues in a healthy manner, they just get mad. But I've learned that is not my problem and no longer let myself get pulled into the drama.
I had a email from my ex this morning, telling me what I "have" to do. {rolling my eyes}
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Barb
Sounds like you handled things in the manner that you needed for yourself! I'm so sorry for your loss's ...sending prayers your way!
Keep your head up..."This too shall pass"
Sounds like you handled things in the manner that you needed for yourself! I'm so sorry for your loss's ...sending prayers your way!
Keep your head up..."This too shall pass"
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 
I credit my handling this well to what I have learned in here and through my readings and therapy, expecially my learnings about detachment. It has truly improved a great many aspects of my life and relationships.
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Thanks Jazzman. I trying to get my son to read son of my books on detaching and boundaries but he's still to angry with his father and not interested. But at least he knows some resources now. Time for me to step back a bit.
Things have calmed down because them 2 ain't talking. And I finally got my ex to stop copying me on his emails to my son after telling him yet again (and again) that their problems are not my problems, leave me out of it.
J knows he has a home with me and he has my loving support. I've made agreements with J so I paid his tuition for the coming semester and I bought a cheap car for him. He's making applications for student loans. He's working toward a more independent future. I can't ask for more.
Things have calmed down because them 2 ain't talking.
And I finally got my ex to stop copying me on his emails to my son after telling him yet again (and again) that their problems are not my problems, leave me out of it. J knows he has a home with me and he has my loving support. I've made agreements with J so I paid his tuition for the coming semester and I bought a cheap car for him. He's making applications for student loans. He's working toward a more independent future. I can't ask for more.
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Thanks gns. Things are better, calmer.
My friend B is doing well enough that they are going to let her leave the hospital in the next few days. She wants to die at home. I haven't been able to see her yet but reports from those who have say she is doing well and is not afraid of her approaching death.
My friend B is doing well enough that they are going to let her leave the hospital in the next few days. She wants to die at home. I haven't been able to see her yet but reports from those who have say she is doing well and is not afraid of her approaching death.
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Join Date: May 2007
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Hospice is a great, great program/support system/source of knowledge and experience. I am sure your friend will be sent home with them involved. My grandmother was sent home with them when she chose to die at home and they did an INCREDIBLE job helping and supporting me. (I was her primary care-taker) They have all the tools to make the transition as painless as possible and the knowledge/compassion to support the family.
My grandmother was not fearful of her approaching death either and we made some beautiful memories getting to say goodbye. I wish you all the very best in terms of coping and healing.
KUDOS to your son!!!
And you for your courage. 
My grandmother was not fearful of her approaching death either and we made some beautiful memories getting to say goodbye. I wish you all the very best in terms of coping and healing.
KUDOS to your son!!!
And you for your courage.
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