Amrita

I'm having a hard day. I have a little over a year sobriety and have been feeling really cranky, tired... I try to be there for other people but sometimes I can't and I feel guilty about it. I got a somewhat nasty email from a friend in the program - she has like 20+ years in AA, saying you did this, you did that... basically saying that I wasn't there for her. I don't feel like I have a lot to offer these days, its all I can do to hold down a job, go to meetings, pay my bills and do laundry etc. - I need time for meditation and prayer too. She seems really needy. Isn't it better to get help from another old timer or a sponsor? I am grateful for the help and friendship she has given me but at times this person can feel draining. I don't want to get resentful because I hear its really bad for your recovery process. I called my sponsor and was vague about who I was talking about, she told me that sometimes, we get tested by our hp, to see how well we are doing. She also suggested I review my gratitude list which I did. I guess I don't feel like I am doing so well otherwise i wouldn't be so angry and tired all the time. Please, someone tell me that this will pass! I'm going nuts over here.

Anna

Hi Amrita,

I think we all have hard days and it's hard when you're going through a tough time, to believe it really will end.

I do believe that recovery is about give and take. Sometimes we can give and sometimes we can't. It's that simple. I believe it's about nourishing yourself when you feel you have nothing to give. And, that's what you are doing. Taking time for meditation and prayer is super. That's the way to go. Your needy friend has her own issues to deal with and you should carry on moving forward, as you are. Since I began recovery, I have observed that people have come into my life to give me what I need at the time. Sometimes I don't even know that I need what they have to give, but I soon figure out that I do. Maybe I can give them something back, maybe not. That's not what it's about. The giving back I do, might be to someone else entirely. I think that's how it works. And, when you're ready, you will give back, probably not to your needy friend, but to someone else who needs what you have to give.

Amrita

Anna, thank you. I needed to hear what you had to say about taking care of ourselves, and appreciate your validation that I have something to offer others. I feel like - not so much at the moment. But its really ok.

If we knew why people were put in our lives, it would take away the mystery. I feel better. Think I might go take a bubble bath now, have a good evening!

Amrita

Treasure2Find

I think what your going through will pass.

All Good Things,

Amrita

Thanks, Treasure!

Treasure2Find

CarolD

Your first recovery priority must be yourself
or you will not be able to help a newcomer.

Note that I said newcomer.

Treat yourself as you would your best friend
who was exhausted and out of sorts.

Prayer helps me immensley
Blessings

Justme57

I had a very similar thing happen to me when i was about the same time sober. A very needy , very long time sober person "Kidnapped" me, emotionally. Like you , I felt "obligated" to be there for her, and because I had always been the "Queen of people pleasers" , I felt awfully guilty if i needed time for "ME" and she was very good at making me feel I was letting her down.

I was fortunate, that at that time, I had just got a new Sponser, ( still my spons) and she has 34 years and is marvellous. She told me quite bluntly, that I needed to look after me, and that my sobriety came first, and that I was being manipulated , and that i just had to get "brave" and let the person know that I was not always available, because I needed , as you have said , to work at MY recovery .she also reminded me , that I could not continue to give, if i had an "empty tank. It took me about 8 months to finally "get it ", and it was hard, but i was honest, and said just that.

The person concerned, was quite nasty at first, but she soon moved on to another "newcomer", and is still taking people hostage . Looking back, I can see that I was very in awe of her, and since i did not have a licence, she used to quite often take me to meetings, so i DID feel I "owed" her.

Just remember , your sobriety is the most precious thing, and guard it with your life !

Be very kind to you , be aware of the H.A.L.T's

Congrats on your year +

HUGX
Leigh

Amrita

Hi everybody,
Thank you for all of your support & hugs. I talked to my friend today, and it went well - she "got" that I'm in early recovery, said she remembers being tired alot too - we are still friends. I hope that now I will be able to say "no" and not have it be some big deal...we'll see how it goes. People pleasing is a part of my problem too, anyone here surprised? The HALTS, yes, are a real problem lately. I'm exhausted, then get cranky, things escalate, not good! Today I went to a meeting, took two naps (one with my cat, who is a deluxe napper and good nap companion). Just trying to take care of myself, day at a time, right? Praying - good suggestion, one I tend to forget. I need a lot of reminders...
Am grateful to AA, and for having found this site, and for you kind people!

Amrita

Anna

Hi Amrita,

I'm glad that your friend is understanding of your situation.

I was a huge people-pleaser for so long. I tried to be the person who did everything for everyone, especially for my family. I would willingly put my needs aside to help my kids or husband. I really believed that was what I was 'supposed' to do. Little did I know that it would leave me angry, bitter, and most of all empty. Take care of yourself and the rest will follow naturally.

Creekryder

IMO, there are no tests, just the spectre of alcohol that returns to taunt us, even after long periods of sobriety. These episodes remind us that we are always alcoholics, and as a result of that, we must always be prepared to strengthen our resolve and fight the urges. This can be accomplished through your sponsor, prayer or meditation, rest, exercise, or whatever positive method you can muster to win the battle. It sounds like you made it through the evening, so you win again. And for that, my congrats. It's easier sometimes to put the blame on something else, when the problem becomes difficult. But facing the challenge with open eyes is the best way to tackle anything.
Your year of sobriety is an inspiration...I bow to you.

Peace—
Padraic