New Here - Alcoholic Husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 2
New Here - Alcoholic Husband
First to introduce myself. My name is Amy and I am 33 years old. I have a 14 month old DD and am 2 weeks away from my due date with DD2. DH and I have been married for a year and a half and have been together a total of about 3 years.
DH is a recovering drug addict and an alcoholic. He went to rehab last February for a month for drugs and alcohol. He has been drug free ever since, but alcohol has been a constant struggle for him.
Let me tell you a little about his M.O. After he got clean drug-wise, he continued drinking every day. He would drink (mostly beer) daily after work to a buzz and once or twice a week would get drunk. It was so irritating to me from the start since I was taking care of DD and really just wanted to be a family...a normal family. Not possible when living with an alcoholic. The worst part of his m.o. is that once or twice a week he goes out and doesn't come back till the next day, so he is gone all night. This has caused me SO much stress and anxiety that obviously has led to some physical ailments as well. A couple of months ago he hit bottom. He admitted that he had no control over alcohol. He asked for help. He started attending AA meetings several times a week. He ripped up his bank card. He came clean to his friends and family so that they could work with him towards sobriety. He talked to his boss about mailing his paycheck to the house rather than handing it to him on Friday afternoon. He took many steps in the right direction. I was SO excited! Were my prayers being answered? He had run out of gas and killed the battery on his truck, so he retired it temporarily.
Well, since then, he has "slipped" 4 times. (The word "slip" just pisses me off to no end also. It makes it sound so insignificant. UGH!) Each of these times, he has taken my vehicle and been gone all night driving around, drinking, parking wherever. He drinks only alone. We are in a tiny little town with no bars, so he just drives around and parks wherever and drinks by himself. Then he passes out and comes home in the morning. Well, obviously this is a HUGE issue cause he is now leaving me and DD home with no transportation. Hello? Nice, pal! He WILL NOT answer his cell phone when he is gone, so if there is an emergency, oh well. He is also spending money that we DON'T HAVE right now since I am out of work on maternity leave. He is in construction and work has been slow for him as well lately, so we are really tight financially getting ready for DD2.
So, last night (after almost 2 weeks sober) he pulled it again. It is now 10:20am and he is still not home. DD and I sit here with no vehicle, trapped in the house, wondering where the heck he is, cause by now he is almost ALWAYS home. I am so livid. I know two things. If and when he returns, he will no longer have access to my vehicle and he will no longer have access to our money. If he wants to go out and get drunk and ruin his life, so be it, but he will not take this family down with him. I am just worried and I want my freaking van back now.
Sorry to vent. I am just looking for support from people that have gone through it or going through it.
Thanks,
Amy
DH is a recovering drug addict and an alcoholic. He went to rehab last February for a month for drugs and alcohol. He has been drug free ever since, but alcohol has been a constant struggle for him.
Let me tell you a little about his M.O. After he got clean drug-wise, he continued drinking every day. He would drink (mostly beer) daily after work to a buzz and once or twice a week would get drunk. It was so irritating to me from the start since I was taking care of DD and really just wanted to be a family...a normal family. Not possible when living with an alcoholic. The worst part of his m.o. is that once or twice a week he goes out and doesn't come back till the next day, so he is gone all night. This has caused me SO much stress and anxiety that obviously has led to some physical ailments as well. A couple of months ago he hit bottom. He admitted that he had no control over alcohol. He asked for help. He started attending AA meetings several times a week. He ripped up his bank card. He came clean to his friends and family so that they could work with him towards sobriety. He talked to his boss about mailing his paycheck to the house rather than handing it to him on Friday afternoon. He took many steps in the right direction. I was SO excited! Were my prayers being answered? He had run out of gas and killed the battery on his truck, so he retired it temporarily.
Well, since then, he has "slipped" 4 times. (The word "slip" just pisses me off to no end also. It makes it sound so insignificant. UGH!) Each of these times, he has taken my vehicle and been gone all night driving around, drinking, parking wherever. He drinks only alone. We are in a tiny little town with no bars, so he just drives around and parks wherever and drinks by himself. Then he passes out and comes home in the morning. Well, obviously this is a HUGE issue cause he is now leaving me and DD home with no transportation. Hello? Nice, pal! He WILL NOT answer his cell phone when he is gone, so if there is an emergency, oh well. He is also spending money that we DON'T HAVE right now since I am out of work on maternity leave. He is in construction and work has been slow for him as well lately, so we are really tight financially getting ready for DD2.
So, last night (after almost 2 weeks sober) he pulled it again. It is now 10:20am and he is still not home. DD and I sit here with no vehicle, trapped in the house, wondering where the heck he is, cause by now he is almost ALWAYS home. I am so livid. I know two things. If and when he returns, he will no longer have access to my vehicle and he will no longer have access to our money. If he wants to go out and get drunk and ruin his life, so be it, but he will not take this family down with him. I am just worried and I want my freaking van back now.
Sorry to vent. I am just looking for support from people that have gone through it or going through it.
Thanks,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome. I hope you find this place as helpful as I have.
The only thing you can do is decide what you want from life for you and your children. A good starting point is reading here and going to AlAnon to learn about alcoholism, how it affects you and what you can do for yourself.
The only thing you can do is decide what you want from life for you and your children. A good starting point is reading here and going to AlAnon to learn about alcoholism, how it affects you and what you can do for yourself.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
When people first get here they sometimes get annoyed by what seem like empty platitudes. I am going to tell you something that seems like one but it's not:
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
You cannot make him change. Mine used to quit for as long as 5 months and then "slip". I hate that effing term too. Like it was an accident or something and the beer fell into his gullet while he was helping a little old lady cross the street.
So the thing is - it's up to you to change. Yes, you can take control of the keys and the money. I think most of us have tried that. I've heard of sleeping with the keys, hiding them, etc. I used to be able to hear them jungle from the other side of the house even if I was dead asleep. I'd jump up and try to stop him from DWI. I also took all the money access away from him. Let me tell you, it was exhausting. That word "exhausting" does not do justice to how it was ... draining, soul-sucking, rage-provoking. I could go on with the adjectives for quite some time.
You may need, like many of us did, to go through this process. Many of us found that, in the end, the relationship had to end. It's too hard when only one person is being responsible. It's like having three kids.
Keep posting. We care and can empathize.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
You cannot make him change. Mine used to quit for as long as 5 months and then "slip". I hate that effing term too. Like it was an accident or something and the beer fell into his gullet while he was helping a little old lady cross the street.
So the thing is - it's up to you to change. Yes, you can take control of the keys and the money. I think most of us have tried that. I've heard of sleeping with the keys, hiding them, etc. I used to be able to hear them jungle from the other side of the house even if I was dead asleep. I'd jump up and try to stop him from DWI. I also took all the money access away from him. Let me tell you, it was exhausting. That word "exhausting" does not do justice to how it was ... draining, soul-sucking, rage-provoking. I could go on with the adjectives for quite some time.
You may need, like many of us did, to go through this process. Many of us found that, in the end, the relationship had to end. It's too hard when only one person is being responsible. It's like having three kids.
Keep posting. We care and can empathize.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: To the East
Posts: 81
Hi and welcome to this great forum. I heard your feelings loud and clear in your post - words like frustrated, stressed, anxiety, anger etc. those are a common feeling I'd say most or not all of us have and do feel being in a relationship with an alcoholic. Our stories are all different but are most definitely all the same, we are sick and tired of being sick and tired and are looking for answers and support from one another.
I love that line "if nothing changes, nothing changes". it is so true - we can only go through everything we have to go through and then make a decision if this is the way we want to live. Alot of folks put up with this sort of behavior for years like myself, (7+ now) but I finally ended the relationship and am now picking up the pieces of my life to get back on track. I'm not saying all folks hear end their relationships because they don't, they find a place inside where they can find some peace, I was never able to do that myself.
You have others to take care of and you have to take care of yourself in all that, very hard to do with the stress of not knowing where your vehicle is, money is, support and responsibility. THose are pretty important things I'd say, most of all a sense of peace and serenity and comfort at home.
thanks for sharing with us and hang in there and go to an alanon meeting, they really help alot. There are no quick fix answers if you want to continue with him, you can't control him at all, or his drinking - ever. It will not happen, we do not have any power over others, that is hard when you want to change someone and have them be what we want them to be. No amount of love can make the drunk stop. It sounds like he might be hitting a bottom but I dont know, he is searching for any "fix" and then binging, not good but it could be a sign. Maybe AA will eventually get him, it got me, I'm a 20 year veteran of AA and his story sounds like mine.
It breaks my heart what this disease does to people. It is a family disease, I was so sick at the end that I had a breakdown and hit a bottom myself. I finally could not and would not take anymore. Once I was at that point, I started to feel better. It didn't even matter to me anymore (finally) if he got help because I had given up. that's where it took me. I'm a major codependent and contributed to 'enabling" him for years. He even went to jail and I took him back. oh what a fool.
So sorry you are hurting, you are amongst friends here. read all you can and take what you want and leave the rest.
L
I love that line "if nothing changes, nothing changes". it is so true - we can only go through everything we have to go through and then make a decision if this is the way we want to live. Alot of folks put up with this sort of behavior for years like myself, (7+ now) but I finally ended the relationship and am now picking up the pieces of my life to get back on track. I'm not saying all folks hear end their relationships because they don't, they find a place inside where they can find some peace, I was never able to do that myself.
You have others to take care of and you have to take care of yourself in all that, very hard to do with the stress of not knowing where your vehicle is, money is, support and responsibility. THose are pretty important things I'd say, most of all a sense of peace and serenity and comfort at home.
thanks for sharing with us and hang in there and go to an alanon meeting, they really help alot. There are no quick fix answers if you want to continue with him, you can't control him at all, or his drinking - ever. It will not happen, we do not have any power over others, that is hard when you want to change someone and have them be what we want them to be. No amount of love can make the drunk stop. It sounds like he might be hitting a bottom but I dont know, he is searching for any "fix" and then binging, not good but it could be a sign. Maybe AA will eventually get him, it got me, I'm a 20 year veteran of AA and his story sounds like mine.
It breaks my heart what this disease does to people. It is a family disease, I was so sick at the end that I had a breakdown and hit a bottom myself. I finally could not and would not take anymore. Once I was at that point, I started to feel better. It didn't even matter to me anymore (finally) if he got help because I had given up. that's where it took me. I'm a major codependent and contributed to 'enabling" him for years. He even went to jail and I took him back. oh what a fool.
So sorry you are hurting, you are amongst friends here. read all you can and take what you want and leave the rest.
L
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Hi Amy, glad you're here. It's true that you can't control what you AH does. You can't take away his bottle, but you can take away what belongs to you -- your van. I hope you do this.
To me, a "slip" is an occasional, very short-term lapse back to the drugging or drinking. A "relapse" is a full-blown fall back into the addiction. Though I have no personal experience, it's my understanding that the A can recover from a slip pretty quickly on his own, whereas a relapse may require going through rehab all over again. I don't want to hear either of these words in my world, but I think I'd rather hear that my AH had "slipped" as opposed to "relapsed."
Best of luck to you, and keep posting.
To me, a "slip" is an occasional, very short-term lapse back to the drugging or drinking. A "relapse" is a full-blown fall back into the addiction. Though I have no personal experience, it's my understanding that the A can recover from a slip pretty quickly on his own, whereas a relapse may require going through rehab all over again. I don't want to hear either of these words in my world, but I think I'd rather hear that my AH had "slipped" as opposed to "relapsed."
Best of luck to you, and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
Relapse and slip....... great discussion point Hope2! I can relate.....my AW has fewer relapses AND slips but chemically and biologically how do they affect the A Long term. Maybe a smart SR member can elaborate on that one...
Amy...I am so sorry for your situation. Do you have afamily close by? If you have a place to stay I would NOT stay with this man in his current state. To be raising two little ones with this stress is crazy. He needs to make a decision on whether he wants sobriety....you can't help him with that but you can make decisions on what YOU want for the lives of you and your children.
Good luck and keep posting!
Amy...I am so sorry for your situation. Do you have afamily close by? If you have a place to stay I would NOT stay with this man in his current state. To be raising two little ones with this stress is crazy. He needs to make a decision on whether he wants sobriety....you can't help him with that but you can make decisions on what YOU want for the lives of you and your children.
Good luck and keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 2
Update....
Thanks all for your words of encouragement. I finally got a call from DH's aunt yesterday around 2pm. He had gone to her house sobbing and begging for help. She had a deacon from her church (who is a recovering alcoholic and addict) come talk to him. They talked for MANY hours. The one thing that DH had never tried was to open up to a higher power and ask God to help. Although he had committed to AA, he had not yet begun working the steps. He had a Back to Basics meeting starting this week where he was going to start working the first steps with his sponsor. He was raised in a church and believed, but had a falling out with God a long time ago and just had too many questions and had seen too many bad things to really want to go back there. I knew he couldn't work the steps without accepting help and turning to a higher power, but he was still stubborn.
Well, after talking to this deacon most of the day he decided that it was the answer. It was what he hadn't tried. He hadn't looked to a higher power for help. He said yesterday, that he was going to go back to church and really concentrate on the steps and building back his relationship with God. He said that if this didn't work, he would walk away from us cause he couldn't continue to hurt us. He wasn't going to stop trying, he was just going to spare us more pain.
For myself, DH no longer has access to my vehicle and does not have access to our money. Apparently he had stolen my credit card Friday night and tried to get cash advances on it, but I had it blocked. That, of course, means that he wasn't just relapsing on alcohol; that drugs were involved as well. I had suspected this for about a month, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. Why? Who knows. I have taken the stand that I will support him in what he is doing, but his problem cannot be my problem anymore. I have to distance myself from it in order to remain sane and healthy. I just want peace in my home. If I cannot get it this way, I will have to distance myself and children from him literally. It may sound cruel that I say his problem is no longer my problem, because I still love him like crazy, but I know what I have to do for my family. In order to stay a good mom to my daughters, I have to think of them and myself and do what is best.
That is my update. I, again, appreciate your input and look forward to hearing more from you all. I know most of you suggested leaving now (well, it is my house, so he would be leaving), but I feel like I can give it this last chance while figuratively distancing myself and knowing that physical distance will have to happen if anything else happens.
Amy
Well, after talking to this deacon most of the day he decided that it was the answer. It was what he hadn't tried. He hadn't looked to a higher power for help. He said yesterday, that he was going to go back to church and really concentrate on the steps and building back his relationship with God. He said that if this didn't work, he would walk away from us cause he couldn't continue to hurt us. He wasn't going to stop trying, he was just going to spare us more pain.
For myself, DH no longer has access to my vehicle and does not have access to our money. Apparently he had stolen my credit card Friday night and tried to get cash advances on it, but I had it blocked. That, of course, means that he wasn't just relapsing on alcohol; that drugs were involved as well. I had suspected this for about a month, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. Why? Who knows. I have taken the stand that I will support him in what he is doing, but his problem cannot be my problem anymore. I have to distance myself from it in order to remain sane and healthy. I just want peace in my home. If I cannot get it this way, I will have to distance myself and children from him literally. It may sound cruel that I say his problem is no longer my problem, because I still love him like crazy, but I know what I have to do for my family. In order to stay a good mom to my daughters, I have to think of them and myself and do what is best.
That is my update. I, again, appreciate your input and look forward to hearing more from you all. I know most of you suggested leaving now (well, it is my house, so he would be leaving), but I feel like I can give it this last chance while figuratively distancing myself and knowing that physical distance will have to happen if anything else happens.
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hampton Roads, VA
Posts: 15
Amy,
Good luck to you and I'm sure you are making the right choice. Don't let anyone tell you what you should or should not be doing when you know and feel what is right in your heart. No one is in your shoes but you so only you can make the best choice!!
Good luck to you and I'm sure you are making the right choice. Don't let anyone tell you what you should or should not be doing when you know and feel what is right in your heart. No one is in your shoes but you so only you can make the best choice!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by kiekoqp 
I had suspected this for about a month, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. Why? Who knows.
I'm glad that he is going to focus on working the program. Don't forget to work on you. Please keep posting.
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