justjo

I pretty much have it together now. (at least I thought). If its not hard enough having a sister who is a cronic alcoholic, my 24 yr old son uses drugs and drinks. He has been fantastic this last year, slowly getting his life right and then I have noticed he is using alot again. He called me today and I ended up hanging up on him after he used abusive language.
Then Im feeling bad and tied up over it. I ask myself why? and why does my son do this when there is so much he could have. I know I cant control it or stop it, but somedays I just dont want to accept it. It can be so cruel, no matter how much you love your kids and want to feel them happy, it just keeps slapping me in the face every now and again.
Just having a bad one today and needed someone. Thanks.

shakarris

Sorry your are having one of those days - we all do. One day at a time is what I keep reading here but somedays - I just want it to be my day.

keep strong
keep posting

shakarris

Spiritual Seeker

I know it is tough. Learning to detach or even wanting to detach takes lots of practice.
I hope you are better today.

CBrown

I don't know why. The choice seems simple, but it could not be more difficult.
But great, big ((((hugs!!)))) to you and wishes that you regain your serenity.

Barbara52

{hugs} Its beyond my experience dealing with a child in this sort of situation. I imagine its even harder than dealing with a spouse. But detaching with love is the best way I know of to save your sanity. One day at a time, even when they are bad days. You can start afresh each day.

denny57

I suspect you know this justjo, but I'll say it anyway: You are not useless, though I understand feeling that way sometime. I have come to learn I have no idea when I'm having an impact on something or someone, just by living the life that is right for me.

Trust in yourself and good things will happen. I believe that.

All the best to you, your sister, your son and everyone you love. Put yourself at the top of that list. ((()))

Pick-a-name

(((justjo))) Sorry you are hurting;what everone has already said to you is so true.

Be gentle with yourself today.

justjo

Thanks. I am old enough to trust my judgements and decisions in most things in my life. Thats the thing, with my son, I still can judge him based on the stupidity of drugs and no matter what encouragement or professional help he still chooses the drug path. I look at him as a grown man, very handsome, love his smile and when hes happy, I feel great. When he is using he becomes like the " dreaded devil from hell " and as bad as it sounds, I dont like that person at all. I guess as a mother, Im still trying to accept that my eldest son whom I love deeply has chosen this path. He has had a very good and lucky upbringing with caring people around him but..... I have talked to him many, many times about why he chooses this and if only he could focus more on what can be for him. He tells me he gets with the wrong friends in a depressive state and there ya go....
So, maybe I have to come to terms with it. All our family and friends know his situation, have put him down, have picked him up so its out there. We just all want whats best and Iguess thats just natural hey.

Its just some days I feel like a hippicrite because I can be in here giving people advise and the next Im needing your help because I feel lost. Cant win hey.

Spiritual Seeker

That's the beauty of SR - it is give and take
We benefit from both sides. We benefit from others, such as yourself, thinking things through with us.

sojourner

Justjo:

I don't know you or your history with this whole thing - but are you forgetting that addiction is a hijacked brain thing - Again, i don't know you, but if you're a reader - have you read "Addiction in the Family" by Beverly Conyers put out by Hazelden?

I too am feeling useless as far as whether my loving detachment has any influence in raising my son's bottom - I think with me it is partly because of having had more-than-usual contact with my son over the holidays and some sort of holiday letdown.... but i think i'll choose faith and hope..


sue

justjo

Thanks Sue, No I havent read it but will look for it. I have given it some thought the last couple of days too - about my son. I think sometimes I question some things because of his age 24. You know, should I be still guiding him, encouraging him etc as he still has alot to learn. I guess as we all get older we seem to be able to see things clearer or maybe not....for some. I had put a stop to enabling him at least 2 years ago (kicked him out, stopped the money, all that stuff) he did get so much better and still came home every couple of weeks to have tea with us or stay a night. He cant hold a job at all. I have 3 sons and he tells me I treat him differently to the others. (that Im too tough on him because he has blown his life the last 7 years) I admit this is true because I dont trust him or his judgements. I try too but the calm before the storm always gets in the way, if you know what I mean. He simply seems ok with the lifestyle he has managed all this time until things like christmas when he realizes he doesnt have money to buy presents or that others are doing better than him.
I guess I thought I was handling things ok (I have a sister who is a cronic alcoholic as well) the two have dragged me down over the years and I opted out after I became sick (or sick and tired of being sick) because of it. I suppose its like loosing family (a death but they arent dead) do you know what I mean. Its always in the back of your mind but I have made a promise that I will work on me this year.

gotta love um

I am here for you cause my AS treats me the same way I haven't been able to detach yet working on it!~ And oh yea the feeling of uselessness !! I adopted my AS at 14 yrs he came to me thro foster care at the age of 10 his bioparents were both addicts and it was in hig genes before he ever started but thats not an excuse! I love him so much and feel I have not given him what I should of after all I rescued him HA HA !
Anywho your in my prayers this web area is going to help me thro so much just all of us sticking together keeping each other strong!
Carol

justjo

Hi Carol,
I read your post the other day too. A week ago I thought everything was looking good for my son. He calls me and I call him but I am concerned because I havent seen him for 3 weeks. This is unusual for him because he always needs contact with me. I called him yesterday and he sounded fine, he has been busy finalizing his 'Youth worker course' which will get him a job. He seems really keen on this because he says he can help other kids like him. I feel really guilty sometimes, because I want to believe in him but I get a knock on the shoulder from my instincts and wonder. I have to be stronger and keep encouraging him. (I can only do that in little doses too - its amazing how well we know them but dont know them at all somedays) Anyway I hope things are better for you this week.
Jo