New and Desperate
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hampton Roads, VA
Posts: 15
New and Desperate
I am new to this forum and just found this site today after a devistating experience last night/today. Let me start with a bit of background:
I met my husband about a year and a half ago at a bar(of all places!). I was 27 and he was 32. It was love at first sight and we both enjoyed the party life! After several months, it was aparent that he is an alcoholic. He admited to it and even "boast" about going to rehab while guzzling a beer. After so many promises, I belived he would quit so when he proposed to me last New Years, I said yes!! We were married in September 2007, about 3 months and a week ago. I am 4 months pregnant and I truly believed that a baby and a wife would curb his selfish ways.
I work nights and my husband works days. Last night, after trying to call him unsuccessfully for several hours, I texted messaged him saying I was coming home. He didn't answer the 20+ calls but answered the text, saying that he was asleep and needed to rest. I rushed home anyhow at 10pm and realized that my husband had not even been home from work, let alone sleeping. I was devistated. This of course isn't the first time he has lied but after this past New Years where we got into a physical fight, I thought he would cool it. He lied and he doesn't care. Just two weeks ago, I found empty beer cases in the shed while looking for something to fix the fence. He cussed me out when I confronted him and balmed me for "snooping".
Being off work today, I figured we would talk. I was wrong again. Our talk consisted of him apologizing over a text message and saying he would "try harder". Once he got home from work, he was in a crappy mood and avoided me. I finally got him to talk but all he said was that he would controle the drinking but that he would not stop drinking and if I had a problem with it, "there's the door".
I don't want to raise my son with an alocoholic or in an abusive relationship. My emotions get so worked up when I catch him in a lie that I can't controle myself. I get hysterical. I can't even imaging what I'm doing to my baby. I feel my marraige is over, my trust is broken and forever lost and there is no going back. I feel worse for my unborn son and the suffering he will most likley go through. I feel so lost, so helpless and so alone and so scared.
I met my husband about a year and a half ago at a bar(of all places!). I was 27 and he was 32. It was love at first sight and we both enjoyed the party life! After several months, it was aparent that he is an alcoholic. He admited to it and even "boast" about going to rehab while guzzling a beer. After so many promises, I belived he would quit so when he proposed to me last New Years, I said yes!! We were married in September 2007, about 3 months and a week ago. I am 4 months pregnant and I truly believed that a baby and a wife would curb his selfish ways.
I work nights and my husband works days. Last night, after trying to call him unsuccessfully for several hours, I texted messaged him saying I was coming home. He didn't answer the 20+ calls but answered the text, saying that he was asleep and needed to rest. I rushed home anyhow at 10pm and realized that my husband had not even been home from work, let alone sleeping. I was devistated. This of course isn't the first time he has lied but after this past New Years where we got into a physical fight, I thought he would cool it. He lied and he doesn't care. Just two weeks ago, I found empty beer cases in the shed while looking for something to fix the fence. He cussed me out when I confronted him and balmed me for "snooping".
Being off work today, I figured we would talk. I was wrong again. Our talk consisted of him apologizing over a text message and saying he would "try harder". Once he got home from work, he was in a crappy mood and avoided me. I finally got him to talk but all he said was that he would controle the drinking but that he would not stop drinking and if I had a problem with it, "there's the door".
I don't want to raise my son with an alocoholic or in an abusive relationship. My emotions get so worked up when I catch him in a lie that I can't controle myself. I get hysterical. I can't even imaging what I'm doing to my baby. I feel my marraige is over, my trust is broken and forever lost and there is no going back. I feel worse for my unborn son and the suffering he will most likley go through. I feel so lost, so helpless and so alone and so scared.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by tomuch2handle 
I feel so lost, so helpless and so alone and so scared.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I look back now and wish the first time AH said "there's the door," I had walked through it. That is hindsight, however, and not the answer for everyone.
Read the stickies at the top of the forum. I found Al-Anon very helpful. And keep posting - lots of support to be found here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by tomuch2handle
I don't want to raise my son with an alocoholic or in an abusive relationship. My emotions get so worked up when I catch him in a lie that I can't controle myself. I get hysterical. I can't even imaging what I'm doing to my baby. I feel my marraige is over, my trust is broken and forever lost and there is no going back. I feel worse for my unborn son and the suffering he will most likley go through. I feel so lost, so helpless and so alone and so scared.
Take a deep breath, and let it out. Take a second one, even deeper, close your eyes. Breathe. You will be okay.
I'm sorry you have to find yourself here, but there is a wealth of experience, strength, and hope here -- we've all stood where you're standing, and we've all survived. You can too. You are faced with some very difficult choices right now, but YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT ALL AT ONCE. Small steps are the way to return you to sanity today.....you are still you, your child is still your child, and you have the power and right to have any kind of life you want. Small steps.
It is also not a black-and-white matter --- "leave and forget him" or "stay and suck it up" There are endless shades of gray in between, and with some time, love and tenderness for yourself you will find the right one(s) for you and your child.
Do you have a support system of friends and family who you can gather around you right now? Have you read the "sticky" posts at the top of the forum, and have you read around a bit to learn more about alcoholism and how people are coping with it? That can be REALLY helpful.
Have you considered finding an Al-Anon meeting (for friends & family of alcoholics) near you? I found that sitting in the same room with others who were just as devastated as I was -- sharing ideas and experiences -- was a lifesaver, especially when I could hardly think straight with grief, anger, and sadness.
Stick around, others will be by -- you have found a good place.
Don't forget to breathe.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I second the breathing. It sounds like you are rather overwhelmed right now. Like GiveLove says, you don't have to decide it all right now. We all like to talk in terms of babysteps.
The first think is to learn and seek support. You will find lots of support in here.
The first think is to learn and seek support. You will find lots of support in here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Hi TooMuch and welcome to SR.
I second the advice about attending Al-Anon because, if anything, it might help you to focus on you and the new life you are carrying. Control what you can control and strive for tranquility, especially now.
Stick with us. We're here for each other.
ARL
I second the advice about attending Al-Anon because, if anything, it might help you to focus on you and the new life you are carrying. Control what you can control and strive for tranquility, especially now.
Stick with us. We're here for each other.
ARL
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
I too want to welcome you here.......I am sooo sorry for your situation sweetie.....the first thing I would want to say to you is can we say the word annulment ???? But I realize that with the baby you are carrying this would be too much for you to do......the only other thing that can be suggested to you would be Alanon....check it out and like the others have said read the stickies at the top ok. Remember this tho:
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it......
No matter what you do he won't stop until he is darn well ready and not a moment before. But you can help yourself....so by all means do that much for the baby and yourself okay.
Again welcome.
Janitw - click on any of our names to read our histories ok.
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it......
No matter what you do he won't stop until he is darn well ready and not a moment before. But you can help yourself....so by all means do that much for the baby and yourself okay.
Again welcome.
Janitw - click on any of our names to read our histories ok.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Welcome to SR. You will find so much support, understanding, and many voices of experience here. I hope it helps for now just to know you are not crazy; and you are not alone! My husband would also sneak around and try to hide his drinking; then lie straight to my face about it. My trust was destroyed -- it hurt so bad!!
You do have choices, you may not be able to see them through the pain right now. It might be helpful to get away from the situation, at least temporarily, if you can. Things will be clearer when your emotions are not so strong.
Take care of yourself and the baby!
You do have choices, you may not be able to see them through the pain right now. It might be helpful to get away from the situation, at least temporarily, if you can. Things will be clearer when your emotions are not so strong.
Take care of yourself and the baby!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hampton Roads, VA
Posts: 15
Thank you ALL so very much for your advice and concern and exspecially the reminder to BREATH!! *Whew!* I did take a look last night at the "sticky" post and there were a ton of useful information. I even went as far as printing a few post and reading it late last night to help calm myself. I have never delt with addiction before or an addict and it's even harder when the addict is the person I promised to love, trust and support for a life time.
My husband and I sat down today to talk. Since most of you have been through this, maybe you can give your feedback on the conversation.
I told my husband a I was torn because months ago he said he wanted to quit and needed my support. I immediatly quit drinking, encouraged our friends not to drink around us and would avoid any social gathering that involved alcohol. I'm sure you can image that we lost a lot....no, ALL of our "friends". The hardest part about that was not the lose of friends or not having a "night cap" every now and then, the hardest part was that I had dedicated myself to helping my husband ("to be" at the time) by refraining from drinking when he was sneaking behind my back doing it all along. I would say, "Lets go to (friends) house" or "(Friends) are hanging out at so-and-so, lets go hang out" and he would say "no" because they would all be drinking and it was just to hard for him to be around it. Then a week, 2 weeks a few days later, he would "get mad" at me and take off all night or for several hours and come home drunk. He used his alcoholism as a tool. It was convienent when he wanted to be "recovering" and then when he went out drinking or got caught, it was "well I'm and alcoholic, what do you expect?"
A few days ago, he told me he never asked for help and didn't want help and wasn't going to quit drinking. I told him today that he did indeed ask for my help and I tried to suport him but that he pushes me away when he wants to. He got very angry and yelled at me, saying "I'm a grown man! I can drink a beer if I want to!!" I said that he was right, he can do whatever he wants to but then don't ask me for help if you don't want it. I reminded him of the situation in the past with not hanging out with our friends. He said I was his wife and made a vow to support him. I said that he also made a vow to not lie to me and support ME!! I told him his actions were conflicting with his "promises" and he was confussing me. I told him I couldn't trust him. He said he isn't ashamed iof drinking. I asked him, then, "if you aren't ashamed of drinking, then why do you lie about it to me and your family" and I asked him why he was angry at me when it was him that was lieing and why was he "punishing" me for his actions. He finaly broke down and said he does have a problem and it has gotten out of hand again. He said he slipped again and he is so ashamed of his actions that he attacks me, lies to me and tries to justify his actions. He also said that I can't help him, that this is something he has to do on his own but he doesn't want me to leave and he loves me very much.
I'm sure this is a typical conversation of most alcoholics and thier familes. Where I am now is confussed as to how far do I support my husband in his battle and where do I draw the line and let him fight on his own? Do I ignore his drinking and not say anything when he is drunk (which I feel would almost condone the behavior) or do I let him know i disaprove of his actions and have him lie to me again?? He thinks he can controle his drinkin but everything I read says he never will be able to again. He knows and I know that he does NOT want to stop drinking. He says the hardest thing for him to accept is that he will NEVER be able to drink again.
I just want to say agin, thank you for all the advice so far!!! --having hope!!
My husband and I sat down today to talk. Since most of you have been through this, maybe you can give your feedback on the conversation.
I told my husband a I was torn because months ago he said he wanted to quit and needed my support. I immediatly quit drinking, encouraged our friends not to drink around us and would avoid any social gathering that involved alcohol. I'm sure you can image that we lost a lot....no, ALL of our "friends". The hardest part about that was not the lose of friends or not having a "night cap" every now and then, the hardest part was that I had dedicated myself to helping my husband ("to be" at the time) by refraining from drinking when he was sneaking behind my back doing it all along. I would say, "Lets go to (friends) house" or "(Friends) are hanging out at so-and-so, lets go hang out" and he would say "no" because they would all be drinking and it was just to hard for him to be around it. Then a week, 2 weeks a few days later, he would "get mad" at me and take off all night or for several hours and come home drunk. He used his alcoholism as a tool. It was convienent when he wanted to be "recovering" and then when he went out drinking or got caught, it was "well I'm and alcoholic, what do you expect?"
A few days ago, he told me he never asked for help and didn't want help and wasn't going to quit drinking. I told him today that he did indeed ask for my help and I tried to suport him but that he pushes me away when he wants to. He got very angry and yelled at me, saying "I'm a grown man! I can drink a beer if I want to!!" I said that he was right, he can do whatever he wants to but then don't ask me for help if you don't want it. I reminded him of the situation in the past with not hanging out with our friends. He said I was his wife and made a vow to support him. I said that he also made a vow to not lie to me and support ME!! I told him his actions were conflicting with his "promises" and he was confussing me. I told him I couldn't trust him. He said he isn't ashamed iof drinking. I asked him, then, "if you aren't ashamed of drinking, then why do you lie about it to me and your family" and I asked him why he was angry at me when it was him that was lieing and why was he "punishing" me for his actions. He finaly broke down and said he does have a problem and it has gotten out of hand again. He said he slipped again and he is so ashamed of his actions that he attacks me, lies to me and tries to justify his actions. He also said that I can't help him, that this is something he has to do on his own but he doesn't want me to leave and he loves me very much.
I'm sure this is a typical conversation of most alcoholics and thier familes. Where I am now is confussed as to how far do I support my husband in his battle and where do I draw the line and let him fight on his own? Do I ignore his drinking and not say anything when he is drunk (which I feel would almost condone the behavior) or do I let him know i disaprove of his actions and have him lie to me again?? He thinks he can controle his drinkin but everything I read says he never will be able to again. He knows and I know that he does NOT want to stop drinking. He says the hardest thing for him to accept is that he will NEVER be able to drink again.
I just want to say agin, thank you for all the advice so far!!! --having hope!!
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Life with an alcoholic only gets worse as their disease progresses.
Step 1 of Al-anon: you are powerless over his disease, over him over anything but yourself. From other women who have posted similar stories it seems the choice is leave now or in 20 yrs. He may never choose recovery or he may down the road. You can only operate with the reality as it is today. When we argue w/ reality we lose.
Don't have another thought about what he should be doing. Just do what is best for you and your son. Wishing you the strength + courage to find the best way for you and baby.
Step 1 of Al-anon: you are powerless over his disease, over him over anything but yourself. From other women who have posted similar stories it seems the choice is leave now or in 20 yrs. He may never choose recovery or he may down the road. You can only operate with the reality as it is today. When we argue w/ reality we lose.
Don't have another thought about what he should be doing. Just do what is best for you and your son. Wishing you the strength + courage to find the best way for you and baby.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by tomuch2handle
Where I am now is confussed as to how far do I support my husband in his battle and where do I draw the line and let him fight on his own?
Originally Posted by tomuch2handle
Do I ignore his drinking and not say anything when he is drunk (which I feel would almost condone the behavior) or do I let him know i disaprove of his actions and have him lie to me again??
Though I have nothing to base it on, I think that if one leaves, it's like riping off a bandaid. You face the pain head on, go through it and get it over with. If you stay, you should realize that you are in this for the long haul. It's a slow, painful journey, but it can be done. I decided to stay. My painful journey lasted 22 years. During that time I learned to smile and live a fairly happy and fulfilling life (all while he was wallowing in his disease, progressively getting worse and worse). I never reached the point where I wanted to rip off the bandaid. But I truly believe that I took the path my God intended for me.
Originally Posted by tomuch2handle
He thinks he can controle his drinkin but everything I read says he never will be able to again. He knows and I know that he does NOT want to stop drinking. He says the hardest thing for him to accept is that he will NEVER be able to drink again.
God bless you and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
WOW - Your conversation sounds exactly like the ones I had with my AH. "I can drink if I want to." etc., etc. But mine never admitted that he had a problem, and the day I left he was still denying that he had a problem and "swears" that he wasn't drinking even though I knew for a fact he was lying to my face.
Do you stay, or do you leave? I wish I had the answer for you. I wish someone else had given the answer to me. You have to get to the answer on your own. I did therapy (alone and couples) and I prayed a lot. Eventually I made it through the process and my decision was to leave (about 2 months ago). It was and is still very painful. A saying I heard was that -- "You leave when the pain of staying seems worse than the pain of leaving." It will be painful either way. I was talking to my brother today, who left his AW about 5 years ago. He told me what many here have said too -- it gets a little better every day. I wish I had gone to Alanon before I left, but I have started going now mostly because of the encouragement of those here at SR. I find it to be very helpful.
Good luck to you -- keep coming back!
Do you stay, or do you leave? I wish I had the answer for you. I wish someone else had given the answer to me. You have to get to the answer on your own. I did therapy (alone and couples) and I prayed a lot. Eventually I made it through the process and my decision was to leave (about 2 months ago). It was and is still very painful. A saying I heard was that -- "You leave when the pain of staying seems worse than the pain of leaving." It will be painful either way. I was talking to my brother today, who left his AW about 5 years ago. He told me what many here have said too -- it gets a little better every day. I wish I had gone to Alanon before I left, but I have started going now mostly because of the encouragement of those here at SR. I find it to be very helpful.
Good luck to you -- keep coming back!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hampton Roads, VA
Posts: 15
WOW....I really am amazed at the compasion and empathy that everyone who I have talked to on this site has. I can't express my gratitude enough and I want you all to know, everyone who has posted advice, how truly grateful I am. I am so thankful that I found this site and so many knowledgable people. I don't feel so alone anymore and I can honestly almost cry over how appreciative I am.
Because "we" stopped drinking, I have lost all my friends adn I'm left with no one to talk to. I am very close to my family and I talk to my mom every day, however, there is only so much support you can get from your mother until she begings to hate your husband and pushes for you to leave. She knows he is an alcoholic but I "lie" to her and tell her he isn't drinking when he is. I talk to my husbands mother at times but I feel like I'm "tattling" and I don't what him to think I'm pitting his family against him. I also don't think they can truly help me as this site can.
hope2bhappy: Your words really hit home and gave me hope as well as something to seriously think about. I am an optimistic person and for someone to say "it will NEVER get better" is horrible for me to hear, even if it may be true. I will continue to be optimistic, however, I should also learn to be more REALISTIC.
You guys are GREAT people and this world is a better place for having you all in it. THANK YOU!!
Because "we" stopped drinking, I have lost all my friends adn I'm left with no one to talk to. I am very close to my family and I talk to my mom every day, however, there is only so much support you can get from your mother until she begings to hate your husband and pushes for you to leave. She knows he is an alcoholic but I "lie" to her and tell her he isn't drinking when he is. I talk to my husbands mother at times but I feel like I'm "tattling" and I don't what him to think I'm pitting his family against him. I also don't think they can truly help me as this site can.
hope2bhappy: Your words really hit home and gave me hope as well as something to seriously think about. I am an optimistic person and for someone to say "it will NEVER get better" is horrible for me to hear, even if it may be true. I will continue to be optimistic, however, I should also learn to be more REALISTIC.
You guys are GREAT people and this world is a better place for having you all in it. THANK YOU!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
ToMuch, I'm sorry you are going through all this. Most of us on SR can relate as the diesease follows similar patterns for all A's. One common thread, I think, is that A's very rarely figure it out themseves and get sober and it's not a one and done thing. Living and loving an A is like taking a long road trip. Sometimes the road is smooth and sometimes it's bumpy with bad weather. Sometimes you even feel like giving up and going back home because the trip is unbearable and other times your road trip partners turn out to be different than you thought and you wish you never made the trip with them.
Hope this helps!
Hope this helps!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
Life with an addict or alcoholic is a roller coaster ride. You will know when it is time to get off. It is a tough decision to make but you don't have to make it right now. Learn what you can about his disease, take care of yourself and your baby first. He will only get help when he wants to. I pray for you it will be soon, but be prepared, it is a progressive disease, it does get worse if he doesn't seek help. My husband and I were together 10 years. I ignored alot of red flags in the begining because I loved him. when he was sober he was a wonderful man. We had lots in common and really enjoyed life together. It got worse though...we broke up this year (2007). It was very hard, I still love him, but I need a better life for me and my kids, our trust was gone, and I don't believe I can trust him fully again, even if he was sober for a long time. There is always a chance they will relapse after 1 month, or a year or 10 years...I just can't live wondering when or if he will relapse. That is just my story I hope it helps you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think the best way you can support your husband is to get yourself into alanon and continue to learn as much as you can about addiction.
I understand how you feel with your mom, she is your confident right now but hearing her say leave him is not where you are at now. That's why getting into alanon would help you. Not only would you have this site but meet others going through this and you would have another place to vent.
You are witnessing first hand what being with an alcoholic is like, your world becomes small, people begin to disappear from your life and those voids become filled with his drinking and the life it creates. The lies and half truths you begin to create to hide what is really happening makes your own world small to the point where all you will have left is his drinking. Give alanon a try, at least attend a meeting, get one of the books and read it and keep posting.
I understand how you feel with your mom, she is your confident right now but hearing her say leave him is not where you are at now. That's why getting into alanon would help you. Not only would you have this site but meet others going through this and you would have another place to vent.
You are witnessing first hand what being with an alcoholic is like, your world becomes small, people begin to disappear from your life and those voids become filled with his drinking and the life it creates. The lies and half truths you begin to create to hide what is really happening makes your own world small to the point where all you will have left is his drinking. Give alanon a try, at least attend a meeting, get one of the books and read it and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: MO
Posts: 56
Welcome to SR! I am so sorry you are going through this...especially when you are pregnant and your body and emotions are going through tremendous changes. Take time for yourself and try to relax, letting the thoughts come in one at a time right now honey. You are being way too hard on yourself and as we all know when dealing with alcoholics the manipulation is ENORMOUS. You did not ask for this...you did not cause these behaviors...and most important it is NOT your job to fix them. Your story is so similar to mine...I went through both prenancies with the same set of circumstances and the feelings of abandonement and loss are so great it is hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I have been married to my AH for 12 years...and am just finding the strength to move on. I am relying on my family and friends...but it has taken me twelve years to confide in them. It has definitaly been one of the hardest things to do in my life as I was worried about failure...as a wife..failure in marriage.. and as a mother. I have found journaling to be a tremendous help for me...when the manipulation is getting extra heavy I can look back and see what I was feeling..or am feeling is real. We do not have to live like that...and are we really living when we are 
contantly are on egg shells..worried about our AH drinking and driving, not coming home at night, lying, manipulating, yelling and the list goes on and on. I have also found out in my personal experience that our problems did not all lie in just drinking. My AH has been sober for a month, and I am still gettting the manipulation, yelling, and he is still exercising his all around selfish attitude.
Be at peace with yourself...you will know what to do once you feel like you are able to process all of this madness.
Biggest hugs to you!
g
contantly are on egg shells..worried about our AH drinking and driving, not coming home at night, lying, manipulating, yelling and the list goes on and on. I have also found out in my personal experience that our problems did not all lie in just drinking. My AH has been sober for a month, and I am still gettting the manipulation, yelling, and he is still exercising his all around selfish attitude. Be at peace with yourself...you will know what to do once you feel like you are able to process all of this madness.
Biggest hugs to you!
g
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by tomuch2handle
hope2bhappy: Your words really hit home and gave me hope as well as something to seriously think about. I am an optimistic person and for someone to say "it will NEVER get better" is horrible for me to hear, even if it may be true.
When I first came to this forum, I was just like any other newcomer -- looking for answers, looking for some clue of something I could do to stop my A from drinking. I didn't want to hear all the terrible, negative outcomes. I didn't want to hear that I needed to change me. After all, I wasn't the problem, he was. Turns out, we both had a problem... He had a problem with drinking, and I had a problem with the way I reacted to his drinking. I was unknowingly feeding his illness. This is why so many people here keep encouraging you to get help for youself. Educate yourself about the disease and either 1) go to Alanon, 2) see a therapist who specializes in codependency, and/or 3) post here a lot.
I did say that your A would never be able to drink again if he wanted to stay sober. But that's because there is no such thing as being a little bit alcoholic. You either are, or you aren't.
I'm glad you found us, too. We're all in this together, and I'm glad you feel we've helped you.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hi and welcome! I am living with my abf and am happy. It IS possible. It requires taking your focus off him (don't check up on him, don't question him, don't enable him, stop being a victim, etc) and onto yourself (what makes YOU happy, are you dealing with your own issues, such as codependency, depression, etc, what are you doing to make YOU a happier healthier person?). It is not easy, it is in fact quite painful to look hard at yourself and heal from within. Once he sees you be more independant and more confident, it will quite possibly encourage him to change also.
A true friend would not disown you because you no longer wanted to drink alcohol. A true friend also wouldn't disown you because of the issues your husband has. A true friend would be there for you, be supportive an d would want to be with you because of who YOU are, not because you get drunk with them. Perhaps its time to find some REAL friends?
I agree. I don't talk to my mom about abf's problem anymore. In fact I hardly to talk to anyone about his problem because it will not make me happier, it does not leave me feeling strong, it does not help him heal nor will it help heal me. If you want to talk to your mom about YOU, I am sure she will not feel resentment toward him. Still I feel it is best to try to keep these problems away from parents as they will be one sided in their judgements, they will make judgements which don't help and are bias, and you don't wish to add to their anxiety over you. Al anon and SR are here for you to vent, as you have correctly said!
Living with what is real is a important step. Its so easy to get into the habit of sugar coating our life to make it palatable. Also, as a codependant, I know I alter my reality to play the victim, I lay blame at my abf's feet for MY feelings, which I have learnt cannot come from anywhere but within myself. This makes abf feel resentment toward me and enables me to continue being codie and stops my recovery process in its tracks.
Good Luck to you and keep coming to SR.
Please read up on our histories and links around this site. Its all about YOU not HIM.
Lily xxxxxxxxx
Originally Posted by tomuch2handle
Because "we" stopped drinking, I have lost all my friends adn I'm left with no one to talk to.
Originally Posted by tomuch2handle
I am very close to my family and I talk to my mom every day, however, there is only so much support you can get from your mother until she begings to hate your husband and pushes for you to leave. She knows he is an alcoholic but I "lie" to her and tell her he isn't drinking when he is. I talk to my husbands mother at times but I feel like I'm "tattling" and I don't what him to think I'm pitting his family against him. I also don't think they can truly help me as this site can..
Originally Posted by tomuch2handle
I will continue to be optimistic, however, I should also learn to be more REALISTIC. ..
Good Luck to you and keep coming to SR.
Please read up on our histories and links around this site. Its all about YOU not HIM.
Lily xxxxxxxxx
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
tomuchtohandle - I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I'm living with an alcoholic boyfriend who goes from "yes I have a problem" to "why is it such a big deal that I drink" blah blah. We have had MANY conversations about his drinking and he has promised me MANY things during those conversations - only to break those promises later on down the line.
I can't tell you if your situation will get better but I have seen my boyfriend's drinking get worse in the year and a half that we've been together. I'm a "social" drinker and to be honest - after living with an alcoholic - I wouldn't care if I EVER had another drink as long as I live.
He is exhausting and I'm losing myself slowly. I go back and forth with myself on wanting to ask him to leave. I've held on to "hope" for so long - but I think I'm running out of "hope". I'm getting to the point where I'm mad at ME more than him. Mad for putting myself thru this crap and wasting so much time worrying about him and what he's doing. I'll hedge a bet that you will get to this point too. It may take awhile - but it will happen. I have found that once you lose respect for someone - it's hard to "maintain" a good relationship. And if you are anything like me - how can you have respect for a drunk? (I apologize if I offend anyone with that comment)
Keep posting and take care of you as best as you can.
I can't tell you if your situation will get better but I have seen my boyfriend's drinking get worse in the year and a half that we've been together. I'm a "social" drinker and to be honest - after living with an alcoholic - I wouldn't care if I EVER had another drink as long as I live.
He is exhausting and I'm losing myself slowly. I go back and forth with myself on wanting to ask him to leave. I've held on to "hope" for so long - but I think I'm running out of "hope". I'm getting to the point where I'm mad at ME more than him. Mad for putting myself thru this crap and wasting so much time worrying about him and what he's doing. I'll hedge a bet that you will get to this point too. It may take awhile - but it will happen. I have found that once you lose respect for someone - it's hard to "maintain" a good relationship. And if you are anything like me - how can you have respect for a drunk? (I apologize if I offend anyone with that comment)
Keep posting and take care of you as best as you can.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by denny57
Welcome, tomuch2handle, you are not alone!
I'm sorry you are going through this. I look back now and wish the first time AH said "there's the door," I had walked through it. That is hindsight, however, and not the answer for everyone.
Read the stickies at the top of the forum. I found Al-Anon very helpful. And keep posting - lots of support to be found here.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I look back now and wish the first time AH said "there's the door," I had walked through it. That is hindsight, however, and not the answer for everyone.
Read the stickies at the top of the forum. I found Al-Anon very helpful. And keep posting - lots of support to be found here.
Glad that you found us-And I "Ditto" what Denny stated above-
There is a lot of great support here so please keep coming back-and maybe check out an Al-Anon meeting-I have learned so many new ways to go through my life without having to walk on egg shells anymore-It takes time and it is worth.
Coming here is a great start so keep moving forward..............
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
