Fear of failure, not being "good enough"/disappointing if I fail. How to deal with it
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Fear of failure, not being "good enough"/disappointing if I fail. How to deal with it
Hi everyone,
I recently noticed that sometimes I'll get anxiety or fear about something in my life because I worry that if I fail, I wonder what that will mean -- will I still be good? Will I still be accepted? Is it okay?
This fear gets in the way of attempting things, and it may be related to perfectionism and procrastination. I notice that I also put off doing things so that I have a "stockpile" of things that *could* be; a stockpile of things to rely on. I worry that I'll run out of things to do, things to discuss with people, etc. This is especially troubling with relationships, which I get very preoccupied with, and can turn into an almost do-or-die thing. Why?
Can anyone relate to this?
So, why do I test boundaries this way? Why do I almost feel compelled to fail at certain things?
Thank you so much....
I recently noticed that sometimes I'll get anxiety or fear about something in my life because I worry that if I fail, I wonder what that will mean -- will I still be good? Will I still be accepted? Is it okay?
This fear gets in the way of attempting things, and it may be related to perfectionism and procrastination. I notice that I also put off doing things so that I have a "stockpile" of things that *could* be; a stockpile of things to rely on. I worry that I'll run out of things to do, things to discuss with people, etc. This is especially troubling with relationships, which I get very preoccupied with, and can turn into an almost do-or-die thing. Why?
Can anyone relate to this?
So, why do I test boundaries this way? Why do I almost feel compelled to fail at certain things?
Thank you so much....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 80
Another observation: It seems like negative feedback holds a lot more importance for me. I don't enjoy this at all and would like to get to a place where I can listen to negative feedback, and either use it to my advantage or tell the other person to **** off. Any thoughts on that...?
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
hi bragi,
All these things are classic ACOA behavior.
One thing that helped me get over a lot of those horrible negative feelings was to get a hobby that I was good at. I am pretty good at painting! It makes me feel good to paint, and it helps me realize that there is something I can do well. For you it might be photography or yoga or astronomy! Anything you like.
Be sure to read the sticky notes. They are very insightful posts that will open your eyes. Re read them and think about them.
Get into alanon if you can. This way you can learn new *positive* behaviors.
All these things are classic ACOA behavior.
One thing that helped me get over a lot of those horrible negative feelings was to get a hobby that I was good at. I am pretty good at painting! It makes me feel good to paint, and it helps me realize that there is something I can do well. For you it might be photography or yoga or astronomy! Anything you like.
Be sure to read the sticky notes. They are very insightful posts that will open your eyes. Re read them and think about them.
Get into alanon if you can. This way you can learn new *positive* behaviors.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: West End, NC
Posts: 10
Hi Bragi,
Are you sure we are not related? I have been battling such anxiety behaviors for 1/2 my life. I am 27 yrs old and never felt good enough. I seem to always struggle with the way I assume people judge me. I analyze many conversations I have with everyone. I question myself constantly. As an ACOA, I also have to realize that these issues are a result. By the way, I am the worst procrastinator ever; however, when I do accomplish something, I aim for perfection. I clean my whole house at once spotless, but I tend to let things go for a couple of days until I clean it all over again. I don't dare let anyone come over until everything is neat and clean, but if they only knew what was behind closed doors! HA! Hang in there and keep in touch. I am going to visit a doctor on the 23rd to see if I need medication. If I do, I'll let you know how it works.
Yellow
Are you sure we are not related? I have been battling such anxiety behaviors for 1/2 my life. I am 27 yrs old and never felt good enough. I seem to always struggle with the way I assume people judge me. I analyze many conversations I have with everyone. I question myself constantly. As an ACOA, I also have to realize that these issues are a result. By the way, I am the worst procrastinator ever; however, when I do accomplish something, I aim for perfection. I clean my whole house at once spotless, but I tend to let things go for a couple of days until I clean it all over again. I don't dare let anyone come over until everything is neat and clean, but if they only knew what was behind closed doors! HA! Hang in there and keep in touch. I am going to visit a doctor on the 23rd to see if I need medication. If I do, I'll let you know how it works.
Yellow
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Yellow and Wascally Wabbit,
Your replies are extremely helpful, and comfort me greatly. Thank you so much! If I were not at work, I'd probably allow myself to tear up ;-)
I'd love to keep in touch with either of you. Yellow, I'm 27 as well. When I was a kid, my mom brought me to a psychiatrist, and had me put on Ritalin. I've been battling with that diagnosis my whole life, and am finally getting over it now. What an eye-opener all of this (e.g. ACoA) is!! I'm so happy I stumbled onto it (through several years of self-help work, trying to figure out why I feel the way I do!). Thank you so much!
P.s. Sorry I haven't checked back on this thread sooner! It didn't have any replies at first; maybe I was impatient
Your replies are extremely helpful, and comfort me greatly. Thank you so much! If I were not at work, I'd probably allow myself to tear up ;-)
I'd love to keep in touch with either of you. Yellow, I'm 27 as well. When I was a kid, my mom brought me to a psychiatrist, and had me put on Ritalin. I've been battling with that diagnosis my whole life, and am finally getting over it now. What an eye-opener all of this (e.g. ACoA) is!! I'm so happy I stumbled onto it (through several years of self-help work, trying to figure out why I feel the way I do!). Thank you so much!
P.s. Sorry I haven't checked back on this thread sooner! It didn't have any replies at first; maybe I was impatient
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 80
And it was a big relief to understand that my perfectionism and procrastination were a behavior that I can work on!
To feel that I'm a "normal" person with control over my life, and just like everyone else, makes me feel so good and connected and not alone - and okay with how I am. Hallelujah!
To feel that I'm a "normal" person with control over my life, and just like everyone else, makes me feel so good and connected and not alone - and okay with how I am. Hallelujah!
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
bragi, there is so much to the acoa that I don't think the world could hold the volumes of troubles that befall us. But, the great thing is how we learn to take control of our lives instead of letting others control us. My mother is the ultimate guilt donor. And you know what? I always accepted that guilt as though I was truly guilty.
Now, I know better. I see the manipulation for what it is and I respond to her a lot differently.
I have to deal with this "guilt" every time I talk to her. It;s a game she's always played. Only now, I usually ignore her comments and move on to another subject. Before, I would get sick to my stomach and find myself in deep depression over what she said, for days. I mean SO SICK that I would be out of work!
Yeah, it's not worth it. I don't have to respond to that crap any more.
You found a good place here bragi. I love it. It has helped me tremendously.
Keep coming back!
Now, I know better. I see the manipulation for what it is and I respond to her a lot differently.
I have to deal with this "guilt" every time I talk to her. It;s a game she's always played. Only now, I usually ignore her comments and move on to another subject. Before, I would get sick to my stomach and find myself in deep depression over what she said, for days. I mean SO SICK that I would be out of work!
Yeah, it's not worth it. I don't have to respond to that crap any more.
You found a good place here bragi. I love it. It has helped me tremendously.
Keep coming back!
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I can tell you what I learned about this. It took me someone with experience to help me get over the "taking it personal" if I got negative feedback.
I learned to use it to my advantage. Yep, if it is a VALID neg feedback, then it's me who needs to do something to correct it.
Blowing up makes every thing worse. It makes you feel horrible toward yourself and the person issuing the complaint.
I learned to use it to my advantage. Yep, if it is a VALID neg feedback, then it's me who needs to do something to correct it.
Blowing up makes every thing worse. It makes you feel horrible toward yourself and the person issuing the complaint.
Originally Posted by bragi 
Another observation: It seems like negative feedback holds a lot more importance for me. I don't enjoy this at all and would like to get to a place where I can listen to negative feedback, and either use it to my advantage or tell the other person to **** off. Any thoughts on that...?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
HI bragi,
Yeah, this has also been a battle for me all my life.
I don't suffer as much as I used to (most of the time) but I still find myself in that hole too often for comfort. Growing up for me, negative stimulus was so much more "valid" (because it's all I ever received) and so in adulthood it is all I ever took seriously.
I chipped away at it over the years through talking to a counselor, talking to ACoA folks, and really consciously trying to stop myself whenever I started down this road again. Sometimes it took days to realize I was doing it or had done it. Then gradually it would only take a day for it to register -- "oh, damn, I did it again" -- then hours, then minutes, and now I can almost stand beside myself and tap my foot and say, You are falling into your old patterns, how 'bout you not do that?
Strangely, I also had to cultivate my **** you reflex. That isn't as aggro as it sounds.....it's really my shorthand for the ability to stand up for myself inside my own head, and recognize when other people are being disrespectful, disloyal, or just inconsiderate. My inner voice had to be taught to ponder and say, "Well....I've done my best, and have tried hard to find a fair solution for everybody here....but they are still displeased with me. I guess they're just going to have to **** off then."
I always think it with a smile. My brain and heart know that I can't be perfect all the time, and can't please everyone all the time. It was a matter of training my body to do the right thing, again, lots of little practice sessions. Sometimes we just have to do what we know is our best, and if that doesn't turn out to be good enough, shrug and go somewhere else where we are valued and appreciated. Identifying what kinds of people trigger this response in you is an interesting study too.....I learned that many of the people who triggered my anxiety and guilt were NOT people I ought to be spending time with anyway, for my own sanity and safety.
Best to you -- you will get through this and you will find your way to joy, I just know it. Takes a little work but it's so worth it.
GL
Yeah, this has also been a battle for me all my life.
I don't suffer as much as I used to (most of the time) but I still find myself in that hole too often for comfort. Growing up for me, negative stimulus was so much more "valid" (because it's all I ever received) and so in adulthood it is all I ever took seriously.
I chipped away at it over the years through talking to a counselor, talking to ACoA folks, and really consciously trying to stop myself whenever I started down this road again. Sometimes it took days to realize I was doing it or had done it. Then gradually it would only take a day for it to register -- "oh, damn, I did it again" -- then hours, then minutes, and now I can almost stand beside myself and tap my foot and say, You are falling into your old patterns, how 'bout you not do that?
Strangely, I also had to cultivate my **** you reflex. That isn't as aggro as it sounds.....it's really my shorthand for the ability to stand up for myself inside my own head, and recognize when other people are being disrespectful, disloyal, or just inconsiderate. My inner voice had to be taught to ponder and say, "Well....I've done my best, and have tried hard to find a fair solution for everybody here....but they are still displeased with me. I guess they're just going to have to **** off then."
I always think it with a smile. My brain and heart know that I can't be perfect all the time, and can't please everyone all the time. It was a matter of training my body to do the right thing, again, lots of little practice sessions
. Sometimes we just have to do what we know is our best, and if that doesn't turn out to be good enough, shrug and go somewhere else where we are valued and appreciated. Identifying what kinds of people trigger this response in you is an interesting study too.....I learned that many of the people who triggered my anxiety and guilt were NOT people I ought to be spending time with anyway, for my own sanity and safety.Best to you -- you will get through this and you will find your way to joy, I just know it. Takes a little work but it's so worth it.
GL
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