Struggles of a codie with aging parents
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Struggles of a codie with aging parents
I’m struggling as I try to make a decision about why my role ‘is’ and ‘isn’t’ with respect to my aging parents, their health issues, and the choices they have made in their lives that landed them where they are now.
I have two older siblings…a brother (we don’t speak anymore) who lives almost 2 hours away and has ‘his own family’, and, a sister, with her family, in the mid-west who has dealt with alcoholism. Don’t know what her status is with that and I don’t inquire. We speak once every two years or so, if that.
So that means that I am the only sibling around (I live less than 5 miles from the folks).
I haven’t spoken with my parents since the incident I posted about earlier on New Year’s Eve. I needed a few days to myself after the last episode. I do worry about them, probably due to a combination of codie issues, but also because of valid concern with their aging and anger issues.
My Dad doesn’t have time to clean, so their house is very messy. With a bad back and bad knee myself, doing ‘heavy’ cleaning is not an option. I have offered to get them a ‘house cleaning service’ to come in and do the first initial thorough cleaning….hand wash the bare floors, wash windows, etc. etc. Then, I would come in once a week and do light maintenance…dusting, vacuuming (if they ever get a vacuum that is), etc. My Dad refused!
The lesson I learned there is it’s his house, his life, her life…not mine! And that led me to the realization that because he accepts little to no help from anyone in dealing with my Mom, that too is his choice. I do go in at least once a week to give him a break so he can go grocery shopping. While there I do whatever dishes are in the sink (the dishwasher is broken), do a general straightening up (safety related like picking up bags and newspapers and junk mail off the floor), emptying trash cans, etc.
I see him wasting away to nothing…he weighs less than I do now. I told myself not too long ago, I can’t make him do anything. He is the type of person that he will stop doing it all when his body/mind gives out. It will be at that time when ‘something’ will have to be done. It was hard for me to accept, but I had to for my own peace of mind.
Now I see that time is rapidly approaching and I’m wondering if I should once again try to intervene, or, keep my thoughts, and yes, fears, to myself and let whatever happens, happen.
I know he hasn’t called me because he’s hurt that I took the dog back home with me. My dog is his ONLY source of happiness. His other dogs were the ONLY ones that received that loving response from my Dad. That’s just the way he is.
My mom will miss not sleeping with my dog too. My Dad tells me this everytime I pick up my dog and bring her back home. But, I do it anyway. For the nights my dog was with me, I gave my mom a snoopy stuffed animal to put on her pillow, hoping that would be a source of comfort for her.
I will be more than happy to bring my dog there during the day for a visit several times a week, but with the anger issue of several days ago between an Alzheimer’s’ mom, and, well, an angry dad, I don’t feel it is right to leave my dog there over night like I used to.
The issue I’m struggling with now is that I’m considering speaking with someone about their issues…a professional that deals with aging issues. Maybe have someone come in a few days a week to help bathe my mom, do her catheterization each night, do some light housekeeping, the laundry, etc. Maybe have my Mom go to adult day care 1 -2 times a week, just to give my Dad some down time. But, my Mom hates to be away from him...worries and crys when he's not there....yeah...I know!
I also want to talk to them about my concern regarding the level of anger within each of them. Quite frankly, I’m almost afraid to go back there and find that they are both dead. Maybe that’s some leftover childhood fear of mine, I don’t know. But at the same token, if I speak to a professional and they investigate, can they have one or both of them removed from their home, and, each other? It might put my mind at ease, but also might hasten their demise.
Then I saw this posting this morning, and, I’m more confused than ever.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nuary-4-a.html
How do I decide what to do, or what not to do? I’m thinking that the anger between them has always been there. My Mom married him, and chose to stay. These are her consequences. My Dad chose not to learn how to deal with his anger more effectively. In a way, he’s getting back from my Mom what he gave to her, and us kids, for all these years. It’s just the way it goes.
Doing for others when they can or should be doing for themselves is wandering through my mind. But, my mom can’t do for herself…am I abandoning her? My Dad is doing for himself, and her, but on a very limited basis. Don’t most kids pitch in and help their aging parents? Isn’t that the way it goes too? Codie issues or not?
And I keep thinking that I might get to that age one day. How would I feel if someone tried to interfere with my life? On the otherhand, what if I really needed help but was too mentally unstable to admit it? Maybe it's a good thing I don't have kids to put that burdon/decision on.
These are my struggles, and I’m anxious to find the ‘right answer(s)’ for us all, if that's even possible. Anyone have any experience to share?
I have two older siblings…a brother (we don’t speak anymore) who lives almost 2 hours away and has ‘his own family’, and, a sister, with her family, in the mid-west who has dealt with alcoholism. Don’t know what her status is with that and I don’t inquire. We speak once every two years or so, if that.
So that means that I am the only sibling around (I live less than 5 miles from the folks).
I haven’t spoken with my parents since the incident I posted about earlier on New Year’s Eve. I needed a few days to myself after the last episode. I do worry about them, probably due to a combination of codie issues, but also because of valid concern with their aging and anger issues.
My Dad doesn’t have time to clean, so their house is very messy. With a bad back and bad knee myself, doing ‘heavy’ cleaning is not an option. I have offered to get them a ‘house cleaning service’ to come in and do the first initial thorough cleaning….hand wash the bare floors, wash windows, etc. etc. Then, I would come in once a week and do light maintenance…dusting, vacuuming (if they ever get a vacuum that is), etc. My Dad refused!
The lesson I learned there is it’s his house, his life, her life…not mine! And that led me to the realization that because he accepts little to no help from anyone in dealing with my Mom, that too is his choice. I do go in at least once a week to give him a break so he can go grocery shopping. While there I do whatever dishes are in the sink (the dishwasher is broken), do a general straightening up (safety related like picking up bags and newspapers and junk mail off the floor), emptying trash cans, etc.
I see him wasting away to nothing…he weighs less than I do now. I told myself not too long ago, I can’t make him do anything. He is the type of person that he will stop doing it all when his body/mind gives out. It will be at that time when ‘something’ will have to be done. It was hard for me to accept, but I had to for my own peace of mind.
Now I see that time is rapidly approaching and I’m wondering if I should once again try to intervene, or, keep my thoughts, and yes, fears, to myself and let whatever happens, happen.
I know he hasn’t called me because he’s hurt that I took the dog back home with me. My dog is his ONLY source of happiness. His other dogs were the ONLY ones that received that loving response from my Dad. That’s just the way he is.
My mom will miss not sleeping with my dog too. My Dad tells me this everytime I pick up my dog and bring her back home. But, I do it anyway. For the nights my dog was with me, I gave my mom a snoopy stuffed animal to put on her pillow, hoping that would be a source of comfort for her.
I will be more than happy to bring my dog there during the day for a visit several times a week, but with the anger issue of several days ago between an Alzheimer’s’ mom, and, well, an angry dad, I don’t feel it is right to leave my dog there over night like I used to.
The issue I’m struggling with now is that I’m considering speaking with someone about their issues…a professional that deals with aging issues. Maybe have someone come in a few days a week to help bathe my mom, do her catheterization each night, do some light housekeeping, the laundry, etc. Maybe have my Mom go to adult day care 1 -2 times a week, just to give my Dad some down time. But, my Mom hates to be away from him...worries and crys when he's not there....yeah...I know!
I also want to talk to them about my concern regarding the level of anger within each of them. Quite frankly, I’m almost afraid to go back there and find that they are both dead. Maybe that’s some leftover childhood fear of mine, I don’t know. But at the same token, if I speak to a professional and they investigate, can they have one or both of them removed from their home, and, each other? It might put my mind at ease, but also might hasten their demise.
Then I saw this posting this morning, and, I’m more confused than ever.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nuary-4-a.html
How do I decide what to do, or what not to do? I’m thinking that the anger between them has always been there. My Mom married him, and chose to stay. These are her consequences. My Dad chose not to learn how to deal with his anger more effectively. In a way, he’s getting back from my Mom what he gave to her, and us kids, for all these years. It’s just the way it goes.
Doing for others when they can or should be doing for themselves is wandering through my mind. But, my mom can’t do for herself…am I abandoning her? My Dad is doing for himself, and her, but on a very limited basis. Don’t most kids pitch in and help their aging parents? Isn’t that the way it goes too? Codie issues or not?
And I keep thinking that I might get to that age one day. How would I feel if someone tried to interfere with my life? On the otherhand, what if I really needed help but was too mentally unstable to admit it? Maybe it's a good thing I don't have kids to put that burdon/decision on.
These are my struggles, and I’m anxious to find the ‘right answer(s)’ for us all, if that's even possible. Anyone have any experience to share?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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ICU -
Although my mom is dead, and dad and stepmom are NOT alcohlics, they truly are dysfunctional, so I understand what you are going through. My stepmom WAS married to an alcoholic for years and is the codie queen.
I am living at home for financial reasons (being an active addict cost me pretty much everything) but am now doing whatever I can to get my own place.
My dad has major anger issues and stepmom is chronically depressed and abuses any kind of med that will make her numb.
I, too, worry about trying to help them....dad is 68, stepmom over 60 and has arthritis pretty severe. I kept thinking that staying here and paying rent is helping them with finances. I also had some guilt for what I put them through when I was active.
However, after a major blowup on Christmas day, I realized that they seem to be content in their misery. Our house is a total mess, too, and stepmom will absolutely NOT throw anything away. She COULD straighten up, but doesn't want to get off the couch or out of bed to do it. Dad got onto me about not "helping" and I told him I wouldn't be "helping"...I would be cleaning up a mess I've not made (I stay in my room). I work full time, as does he.
A friend from here mentioned adult protective services...she thinks dad may be having the onset of dementia and when I looked it up, she may have a point. The problem is, he will not admit a problem, or when he does, won't do anything about it. My stepmom thinks I am abandoning my dad, that if I don't sit around and wring my hands and worry about him 24/7, then I don't love him.
I don't know what the answer is, except that, for me, I have to get out of this situation. Dad has mentioned suicide, but I think it's more a part of his pity party.
Yes, I think that we should try to help our parents, but in my case, it's like banging my head against a brick wall because they won't help themselves. I've finally had to accept that they are comfortable with the life they had (just like I was comfortable with getting high and losing everything). No one could talk me out of my addiction, and I can't talk them into helping themselves.
Don't know that this helps any, but I really do know what you're going through and I know how hard it is. Oh, and I think you did good by bringing your dog home. Dad got really angry xmas night and I thought he kicked one of the cats but he just pushed him out the door with his foot....still, I was furious that he took his anger out on the cat, then turned it on me. We have to protect our furbabies. Besides, they have to learn to deal with the consequences of THEIR actions, just like we do. You aren't punishing them..you're just looking out for your furbaby.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Although my mom is dead, and dad and stepmom are NOT alcohlics, they truly are dysfunctional, so I understand what you are going through. My stepmom WAS married to an alcoholic for years and is the codie queen.
I am living at home for financial reasons (being an active addict cost me pretty much everything) but am now doing whatever I can to get my own place.
My dad has major anger issues and stepmom is chronically depressed and abuses any kind of med that will make her numb.
I, too, worry about trying to help them....dad is 68, stepmom over 60 and has arthritis pretty severe. I kept thinking that staying here and paying rent is helping them with finances. I also had some guilt for what I put them through when I was active.
However, after a major blowup on Christmas day, I realized that they seem to be content in their misery. Our house is a total mess, too, and stepmom will absolutely NOT throw anything away. She COULD straighten up, but doesn't want to get off the couch or out of bed to do it. Dad got onto me about not "helping" and I told him I wouldn't be "helping"...I would be cleaning up a mess I've not made (I stay in my room). I work full time, as does he.
A friend from here mentioned adult protective services...she thinks dad may be having the onset of dementia and when I looked it up, she may have a point. The problem is, he will not admit a problem, or when he does, won't do anything about it. My stepmom thinks I am abandoning my dad, that if I don't sit around and wring my hands and worry about him 24/7, then I don't love him.
I don't know what the answer is, except that, for me, I have to get out of this situation. Dad has mentioned suicide, but I think it's more a part of his pity party.
Yes, I think that we should try to help our parents, but in my case, it's like banging my head against a brick wall because they won't help themselves. I've finally had to accept that they are comfortable with the life they had (just like I was comfortable with getting high and losing everything). No one could talk me out of my addiction, and I can't talk them into helping themselves.
Don't know that this helps any, but I really do know what you're going through and I know how hard it is. Oh, and I think you did good by bringing your dog home. Dad got really angry xmas night and I thought he kicked one of the cats but he just pushed him out the door with his foot....still, I was furious that he took his anger out on the cat, then turned it on me. We have to protect our furbabies. Besides, they have to learn to deal with the consequences of THEIR actions, just like we do. You aren't punishing them..you're just looking out for your furbaby.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
ICU,
I see nothing wrong with consulting with an aging type of agency. Siblings usually have each other to consult with, but it sounds like you are alone on making these difficult decisions and need someone to help you evaluate the situation. Plus, a professional agency will be able to better assess your parents needs, not being emotionally involved as you are. Thirdly, it would be taking care of YOU as well of them to seek help with this situation, right? It's probably like Alanon; you don't see how bad it is until you seek help and others offer you solutions to this increasingly difficult problem. It won't hurt to just start talking with the pros out there, and it could be extremely helpful. I see all kinds of "support groups" advertized for people with Alzheimer's loved ones these days, much like Alanon families. Maybe you could start there, and listen to the words of others going through what you are. Their support and ideas might be just what you need to not feel hopeless in what to do next.
I see nothing wrong with consulting with an aging type of agency. Siblings usually have each other to consult with, but it sounds like you are alone on making these difficult decisions and need someone to help you evaluate the situation. Plus, a professional agency will be able to better assess your parents needs, not being emotionally involved as you are. Thirdly, it would be taking care of YOU as well of them to seek help with this situation, right? It's probably like Alanon; you don't see how bad it is until you seek help and others offer you solutions to this increasingly difficult problem. It won't hurt to just start talking with the pros out there, and it could be extremely helpful. I see all kinds of "support groups" advertized for people with Alzheimer's loved ones these days, much like Alanon families. Maybe you could start there, and listen to the words of others going through what you are. Their support and ideas might be just what you need to not feel hopeless in what to do next.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Amy,
Sounds like you're in a very tough situation too. But it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders as to what is and isn't your responsibility while living there. Good for you!
Yeah, my Dad is the same way as yours. Either he doesn't admit there is a problem, or refuses to do anything about it. It's been over 2 years since the vacuum cleaner broke. I offered to drop it off for repair. NO! I've printed out information on new ones and offered to buy/pick one up for them. NO! You can imagine what the place looks like without vacuuming for so long, especially with a dog that sheds twice a year!
I hope you get your own place soon. That has been a saving grace for me. And thanks for sharing your experience. I feel for you!
Peaceteach, I had thought about an Alzheimers support group, but I've done much reading on it and I think I have accepted the situation as far as how it pertains to my Mom. She is in the anger stage now...and I know she can't help it. She doesn't even recognize that she's home some of the time.
My main issue is with my Dad. He has inappropriate responses to things like that. He keeps telling me that "I" don't understand my Mom's condition. I keep telling him that I do, but he's the one that ridicules her, makes fun of her, and quite frankly incites her anger. He's ALWAYS been like this with us...but not with the dogs!
Example: back in April, they were getting out of the car. My mom has problems standing and walking and leaned on the car for support. My Dad slammed the car door on her fingers accidentally. When she cried out in pain, he yelled at her, called her stupid and would not let up on her! I finally ripped him a new a.h. and told him he wasn't helping. What was important was getting my mom medical assistance...his mouthing off wasn't important!
These are the kinds of issues I'm dealing with with them. I have all the compassion for my mom in the world. I don't have much compassion for my Dad right now. But then again, he was the type of man that would whip me if I woke up crying from a bad dream when I was little. That's who he is.
So, if I step in and tell an aging related agency what is going on, and my concerns, they might be separated from each other. There are both pros and cons to this. So yeah, I've got some thinking to do. I still don't know which outweighs the other in this case.
Thanks for your input too!
Sounds like you're in a very tough situation too. But it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders as to what is and isn't your responsibility while living there. Good for you!
Yeah, my Dad is the same way as yours. Either he doesn't admit there is a problem, or refuses to do anything about it. It's been over 2 years since the vacuum cleaner broke. I offered to drop it off for repair. NO! I've printed out information on new ones and offered to buy/pick one up for them. NO! You can imagine what the place looks like without vacuuming for so long, especially with a dog that sheds twice a year!
I hope you get your own place soon. That has been a saving grace for me. And thanks for sharing your experience. I feel for you!
Peaceteach, I had thought about an Alzheimers support group, but I've done much reading on it and I think I have accepted the situation as far as how it pertains to my Mom. She is in the anger stage now...and I know she can't help it. She doesn't even recognize that she's home some of the time.
My main issue is with my Dad. He has inappropriate responses to things like that. He keeps telling me that "I" don't understand my Mom's condition. I keep telling him that I do, but he's the one that ridicules her, makes fun of her, and quite frankly incites her anger. He's ALWAYS been like this with us...but not with the dogs!
Example: back in April, they were getting out of the car. My mom has problems standing and walking and leaned on the car for support. My Dad slammed the car door on her fingers accidentally. When she cried out in pain, he yelled at her, called her stupid and would not let up on her! I finally ripped him a new a.h. and told him he wasn't helping. What was important was getting my mom medical assistance...his mouthing off wasn't important!
These are the kinds of issues I'm dealing with with them. I have all the compassion for my mom in the world. I don't have much compassion for my Dad right now. But then again, he was the type of man that would whip me if I woke up crying from a bad dream when I was little. That's who he is.
So, if I step in and tell an aging related agency what is going on, and my concerns, they might be separated from each other. There are both pros and cons to this. So yeah, I've got some thinking to do. I still don't know which outweighs the other in this case.
Thanks for your input too!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
ICU,
You probably already know this, but there are forums online/support groups like this one. I know how much I've learned and how helpful it's been for me to just read here and reap the benefits of others' experience and advice. Perhaps you could ask some of the people online what might happen if you were to instigate a preliminary evaluation by a professional/medical group? I found one forum that looks like it has lots of members, but I can't post the link yet (need 15 posts first?) Anyway, when I google the words "eldercare forum online" it comes up first on the list and has the word "infopop" in the link. Maybe you could try it and find some solace just like we do here...
You probably already know this, but there are forums online/support groups like this one. I know how much I've learned and how helpful it's been for me to just read here and reap the benefits of others' experience and advice. Perhaps you could ask some of the people online what might happen if you were to instigate a preliminary evaluation by a professional/medical group? I found one forum that looks like it has lots of members, but I can't post the link yet (need 15 posts first?) Anyway, when I google the words "eldercare forum online" it comes up first on the list and has the word "infopop" in the link. Maybe you could try it and find some solace just like we do here...
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Thanks peachteach.
Doing a search online was going to be my next step. First, I called the Dept. of health services in my area; specifically for senior citizen issues. I have been given a number to contact a social worker when they return to the office this afternoon.
I'll give that online forum a look see! Thanks for the headstart on the info!
Doing a search online was going to be my next step. First, I called the Dept. of health services in my area; specifically for senior citizen issues. I have been given a number to contact a social worker when they return to the office this afternoon.
I'll give that online forum a look see! Thanks for the headstart on the info!
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Location: Arlington, VA
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Its so hard to know when its time to step in with one's aging parents regardless of any other issues!
For me, I think part of my decision would involve a determination from what I see as to whether either is in danger by doing nothing. With advanced Alzheimers, there are very real risks to not only your mother's physical safety but that of your father and the house they are living in. Is the lack of taking reasonable care of the household putting them at risk? Is it to the point where there is a fire hazard? Is it to the point of health risks due to lack of cleanliness?
My mother also has advanced Alheimers and is currently living with my brother J. My other brother, P, just spent 2 weeks there so that the J and his family could spend time away. P was absolutley disgusted at the state of the house and spent the first few days cleaning. We talked and although have come to no conclusions yet, are seriously considering moving mom to a nursing home to get her into a better environment. J is an alcoholic and he and his wife have some unknown issues that have led them to live in such conditions. We have to talk to J and figure out what is going on there and whether action needs to be taken. J and his wife can choose to live in filth but it is not ok for them to inflict that on mom, especially since she pays them to care for her.
I guess my point is that there so often seem to be all sorts of complications in these situations.
For me, I think part of my decision would involve a determination from what I see as to whether either is in danger by doing nothing. With advanced Alzheimers, there are very real risks to not only your mother's physical safety but that of your father and the house they are living in. Is the lack of taking reasonable care of the household putting them at risk? Is it to the point where there is a fire hazard? Is it to the point of health risks due to lack of cleanliness?
My mother also has advanced Alheimers and is currently living with my brother J. My other brother, P, just spent 2 weeks there so that the J and his family could spend time away. P was absolutley disgusted at the state of the house and spent the first few days cleaning. We talked and although have come to no conclusions yet, are seriously considering moving mom to a nursing home to get her into a better environment. J is an alcoholic and he and his wife have some unknown issues that have led them to live in such conditions. We have to talk to J and figure out what is going on there and whether action needs to be taken. J and his wife can choose to live in filth but it is not ok for them to inflict that on mom, especially since she pays them to care for her.
I guess my point is that there so often seem to be all sorts of complications in these situations.
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It is hard to know when to step in for sure. And yes, safety is certainly something that's on my mind...from a household standpoint, lack of cleanliness, abundance of clutter, and if my Dad has another heart attack, my mom is incapable of dialing the phone, not to mention them pushing each other's buttons, etc.
I'm glad you have the support of siblings and can work together, for the most part, to make a united decision. Although it's hard on me by myself, I think adding my siblings to the mix would be counter-productive.
I just got through to the social worker I wanted to discuss these issues with. I was rudely told they were too busy to talk to me and they'd have to get back to me...I mean, 'rudely'! And this is an organization that the township supports! As far as I'm concerned, they left less than a desirable impression in my mind and I'll look elsewhere. That's all I need, reaching out for help for my anger-issue parents to a rude and angry angry social worker! God, I have to laugh....that's just the way my life is going these days! Yes, I need to remember to laugh....
I'm glad you have the support of siblings and can work together, for the most part, to make a united decision. Although it's hard on me by myself, I think adding my siblings to the mix would be counter-productive.
I just got through to the social worker I wanted to discuss these issues with. I was rudely told they were too busy to talk to me and they'd have to get back to me...I mean, 'rudely'! And this is an organization that the township supports! As far as I'm concerned, they left less than a desirable impression in my mind and I'll look elsewhere. That's all I need, reaching out for help for my anger-issue parents to a rude and angry angry social worker! God, I have to laugh....that's just the way my life is going these days! Yes, I need to remember to laugh....
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Originally Posted by ICU 
That's all I need, reaching out for help for my anger-issue parents to a rude and angry angry social worker! God, I have to laugh....that's just the way my life is going these days! Yes, I need to remember to laugh....
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ICU,
my mom is fast reaching the incapable place in her life. I have a real hard time with this because of how I can't stand to be around her for long due to her incessant complaining. It makes me out of my mind. When she's around, there's no where to run.
I have to deal with her in the alanon way. But, I know she is getting old, and now I am confronted with what to do with her. There is no one else to care for her.
Currently she is living with her sister who is 89, and her nephew who is 65. She is always wanting me to move in with her in a house.
All I can say is I can't do it right now. My sanity would be out the window.
Of course, if something serious that needed my intervention happened, I would change my mind. I am just not there yet.
I couldn't let her be harmed or live in a dangerous situation.
I am not looking forward to that day either. I have read that taking care of ALZ. patients takes years off your life due to the overwhelming stress.
Neither of us has a lot of money. We dont' even own our own home! So, paying for someone to help would be out of the question.
You post has brought up a lot of emotions in me, and a lot of wondering what the future will bring.
Personally, I think that people should be left to their own life of their own choosing, until they are no longer able to help themselves. Then the rules change.
my mom is fast reaching the incapable place in her life. I have a real hard time with this because of how I can't stand to be around her for long due to her incessant complaining. It makes me out of my mind. When she's around, there's no where to run.
I have to deal with her in the alanon way. But, I know she is getting old, and now I am confronted with what to do with her. There is no one else to care for her.
Currently she is living with her sister who is 89, and her nephew who is 65. She is always wanting me to move in with her in a house.
All I can say is I can't do it right now. My sanity would be out the window.
Of course, if something serious that needed my intervention happened, I would change my mind. I am just not there yet.
I couldn't let her be harmed or live in a dangerous situation.
I am not looking forward to that day either. I have read that taking care of ALZ. patients takes years off your life due to the overwhelming stress.
Neither of us has a lot of money. We dont' even own our own home! So, paying for someone to help would be out of the question.
You post has brought up a lot of emotions in me, and a lot of wondering what the future will bring.
Personally, I think that people should be left to their own life of their own choosing, until they are no longer able to help themselves. Then the rules change.
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Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
The subject of the cost of care is a tough one. But there is hope. Although it takes searching, there are very good nursing homes, some that specialize in Alheimers and some that allow a couple to stay together, that will accept people who have limited incomes. They take whatever the patient receives from Social Security, Medicare, pensions etc. even if it doesn't match the full costs of the facility. Those place do have waiting lists generally though. It may be worthwhile to start the search before it is needed so that they can get on the waiting list before the need is immediate.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
ICU-
Sweets so sorry you are struggling with all of this now-There has been a lot of great advice shed here so I do not know how much my two cents will do but, I will give you a bit more-
I feel that Ann hit it right on the nose in the other thread:
It is about compassion-I truly believe that-My parents are in their early 70's and live in Florida which is very far away-My two brothers are there as well but, one is an A who just reached rehab again (I lost count how many times this is) and the other has a mental illness who has a life of his own-I worry about my parents often-but they are both still very healthy enough to take care of themselves-My sister (NJ), My other brother (Georgia) and I have discussed if something was to happen to both of them and feel that when that time comes if it even does-then we will seek out professional help-for ourselves to help us be guided in the right direction to care for them.
You stated that you do not have that option to discuss with siblings which leads me to seeking out professional help-This would be doing something for your parents as Ann stated out of "Compassion" . If you feel in your heart that it is leading towards them not being able to care for each other in a healthy way then I would go ahead and discuss this with someone that would help you make the choice/choices that you need to do for them.
I also loved the statement that sometimes roles reverse as our parents get older-and this holds true as well. We as their children and our heads still as healthy as they can be-need to take charge and do the best we can for them, as they did for us. It might not have been what we needed but they did the best that they could. I feel that we need to take on that role with compassion and return the same to them.
Trust me I know this can be a struggle as well as I'm working everyday in recovery with regards to my childhood. However if it came down to it I would hold my head high and try to do the best that I could for them-despite if they would get angry or not....it is about compassion and their HEALTH!
Also if you feel that bringing the dog over would help them to become a bit "happier" why not do that? Do what you feel inside what you want to do! Please do not forget about YOU through all of this!
I know that we can become wrapped up in others lifes and forget about our own all too quickly! IMHO I would talk to someone ASAP and try to move through this situation and hopefully get them to a point/place that will make you feel better and not worry so much about them. Yes they have their own lives to live and respecting that is what we always need to do but, if it comes to a point that you honestly do not feel they are doing that then intervine in a manner by discussing it with someone that has experience in this situation!
I wish you happiness in your life ICU you deserve only the best-Please remember how important you are and your life too! 
Sweets so sorry you are struggling with all of this now-There has been a lot of great advice shed here so I do not know how much my two cents will do but, I will give you a bit more-
I feel that Ann hit it right on the nose in the other thread:
I think aging parents are to be forgiven for their forgetfulness and their fear. I've been through this a couple of times and it's hard to reverse roles but that's what often happens.
What helped me was family support and sharing the responsibilities and visits. Also, there are some great support groups out there, the Alzheimer's Society could tell you of one in your area.
It's not codie to do for others what they cannot do for themselves. At that point it becomes compassion I think.
What helped me was family support and sharing the responsibilities and visits. Also, there are some great support groups out there, the Alzheimer's Society could tell you of one in your area.
It's not codie to do for others what they cannot do for themselves. At that point it becomes compassion I think.
You stated that you do not have that option to discuss with siblings which leads me to seeking out professional help-This would be doing something for your parents as Ann stated out of "Compassion" . If you feel in your heart that it is leading towards them not being able to care for each other in a healthy way then I would go ahead and discuss this with someone that would help you make the choice/choices that you need to do for them.
I also loved the statement that sometimes roles reverse as our parents get older-and this holds true as well. We as their children and our heads still as healthy as they can be-need to take charge and do the best we can for them, as they did for us. It might not have been what we needed but they did the best that they could. I feel that we need to take on that role with compassion and return the same to them.
Trust me I know this can be a struggle as well as I'm working everyday in recovery with regards to my childhood. However if it came down to it I would hold my head high and try to do the best that I could for them-despite if they would get angry or not....it is about compassion and their HEALTH!
Also if you feel that bringing the dog over would help them to become a bit "happier" why not do that? Do what you feel inside what you want to do! Please do not forget about YOU through all of this!
I know that we can become wrapped up in others lifes and forget about our own all too quickly! IMHO I would talk to someone ASAP and try to move through this situation and hopefully get them to a point/place that will make you feel better and not worry so much about them. Yes they have their own lives to live and respecting that is what we always need to do but, if it comes to a point that you honestly do not feel they are doing that then intervine in a manner by discussing it with someone that has experience in this situation!
I wish you happiness in your life ICU you deserve only the best-Please remember how important you are and your life too!
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